Guys, I'm a country girl looking for your advice

lindab18181

Hi, I've also posted this on the ladys lounge board for their advice

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. I’m 28. I am actually quite shy, and have always thought myself quite lucky to get the man I did.
He’s a solicitor, plays football and that and is well known, which may be part of the problem.
I’ve gone out with 2 guys before him. I am from the country but went to live in Dublin to go to Uni.
Went with a guy for 6 months after Uni when I was 22, had unprotected sex using withdrawal method with him for first time after 5 months, and a couple of times after that before he left me.
Then had 3 one night stands when I was drunk trying to get over the guy that left me
Never had sex with them the next morning or that. Was really disappointed with myself for having sex, but those guys although I met them afterwards, were not interested in me after this, maybe one or two of them did come over to me at 2am in a disco after exhausting all other avenues
Then met another guy when I was 25, went with him for 6 months on and off, and did it with him after 4 months.
I did sleep – sleep as in sleep with a few other fellas too – but I did think it was normal to go back to bed with guys your with in a disco. Not to have sex. But 3 of them did get out of hand. All in I’ve probably been in bed with 15 fellas.

Most recent boyfriend, did it with him after 3 months, but tried to do things right with him. Make him wait before getting into my bed… etc… but he cant believe that he had to wait 3 months
I now know that firstly I shouldn’t have done those things, and then I shouldn’t have told him I did. Big mistake – he cant get over this…

I should have been smarter and more sensible, but my boyfriend can’t get over that I did this stuff. He did think I wouldn’t have done this for 3 years until I told him, and I wouldn’t have wanted to.
He is comparing me to other girls in his locality who have never left home, or have gone out with guys for long periods of time. I agree that in the discos I go to with him that there are few girls who disappear with guys the night they meet them or shortly afterwards, but Dublin is different than a small country town, isn’t it.

If it was in this town, and everyone knew what I did I would definitely be regarded as a slapper. I’m at my wits end.
He doesn’t want other guys potentially looking at him in a disco if we were to get married saying I shagged your girlfriend.

Any advice? Is what I’ve done normal? Or should he be the one who should be apologising over the way he is about this?, but I do see his point too

Thanks

Stky10

So is he a virgin himself?. I'd guess not. In which case, he can hardly expect you to be.

Its an ancient attitude to have really. You're 28. If I was involved with you, and you were a virgin at that age, I'd think less of you than if you owned up to having about 20.

Borat_Sagdiyev

Erm what the hell is it to him what you did before you were together? Its not any of his business unless you have picked up an STD which could obviously affect him.

He either wants to be with you and accepts you as you are or he doesn't. Its totally unfair to be judging you for totally normal things. Maybe he's a bit on the jealous side of things?

15 guys at the age of 28? Nothing wrong with that IMO, but your past is your past anyway - he should get over it.

OldGoat

Personal Issues forum.

r3nu4l

Okay, original poster, you've posted this in tLL and PI/RI already, I'm not sure there's a reason for it here other than to get a 'male' perspective. You will get both the male and female perspective in PI/RI.

However maybe us Gentlemen could talk about our own expectations when we meet a woman? When I was in my early 20's I was quite insecure so hearing about the previous exploits of women I met did my head in.

These days the person is far more important to me than their history and having made mistakes of my own in the past that I dearly wish I hadn't done, I know that we all make mistakes.

EDIT the tLL post was deleted but I still think it's worth discussing from a general point of view, not directly from the OP...
If it doesn't work we'll just close the thread

tbh

I think it's fine for him to have whatever expectations he has about the OP. What's not fine is for him to judge or admonish her because of it. So he can say "I wish you had been a virgin" (or whatever), but she's not. So he either ends it or deals with it. OP, don't feel like you have to apologise for what you did, your experiences are what makes you who you are. If he has a problem with that, well then it's his problem.

CDfm

The old maxim " confession is good for the soul but bad for the reputation applies".

I know very little about my partners life before we met - well the big things college, work, pets etc.Love life -not much -she knows a bit more about mine as I have kids and am divorced. Why should I know.

I am always amazed that people gab about their previous. The only thing I know is that everyone she dated before me was taller than me. I dont hold any miscellaneous grudges against tall people (except one and thats over a parking space).

The idea that you would talk to someone about your life history in a way that makes them jealous or uncomfortable is something that I find very strange. You find a guy you like and make him feel inadequete and jealous.Thats very smart:rolleyes:

So what if the OP went to Uni in Dublin -that does not imply sophistication. I dont think she was particularly promiscuous any more so than the girls that stayed living in the country. On the indiscreet scale of 1 to 10 -she scores a 10.

It would do my little head in to hear about a person I was close to past and probably affect the intimacy.Now as regards everyone in town knowing about stuff - well they wont know if you don't tell them and I dont imagine whatever lads you went out with are blogging or bragging or if you OP start blogging or bragging about it. People don't do that except in the tabloids & even then its mostly not believed.

homerun_homer

I don't think I'd want to know the ins and outs to an other halfs past sexual exploits. Understanding about their relationships, yes but I wouldn't want comparisons. The intimate details of how and where and how often she might have had sex with a previous partner wouldn't put me off but it's just a topic I wouldn't want to discuss.

However I do think OP's OH is being a bit over the top in his attitude. I wouldn't hold it against someone unless maybe they really shocked me. We've all done things and we all have standards and not everyone's standards see eye to eye.

Eliza Lynch

You are your own person, nothing you did in College was bad per say, you explored your own sexuality and that is none of his business.
Have some more back bone, if he loves you he will love you no matter what and I am sure he is not a virgin. Don't let his small minded views hurt you.

Shane732

So you've been with 15 guys in 8 - 10 years? When you think about how many you've actually been with it's not that many at all. Less than two a year on average! There are people out there who are with a different person each weekend, so the numbers you're talking about are small.

It's got nothing to do with him at all.

Just one question did you actually tell him that you had unprotected sex with one guy? I don't get this at all - Why would you bother giving him the ins and outs (no pun intended, ok there was one intended!) of the actually night?!

If he lets something as trivial as this get in the way of a 3 year relationship then that's his problem.

Finally about your last part – if someone says “I shagged your girlfriend to him” then his simple answer is “Yea, well you’re not shagging her any more”

AnalFistyCuffs

lindab18181 wrote: »

If it was in this town, and everyone knew what I did I would definitely be regarded as a slapper. I’m at my wits end.

....and if it was your BF who was with 15 women,...he would get a slap on the back instead from his mates with shouts of,..'fair play to ya boy!'
It is his attitude that needs to be changed and he needs to get over it.

If he fears a smart comment from one of your old flings,.... and the " I shagged your fiancee / wife " comment is made,....your BF could always turn it to his advantage with a reply like,..' yeah she told me you had a small penis and couldn't make her orgasm! I must be doing something right to please her in that department!!'

questioner

catholic guilt alive and well. you had casual sex, welcome to the human race.

I would wonder about the moral bona fides of you bf, why is he trying to make you feel bad about something that had a heavy effect on you?

on a different and unrelated note, i dont know why people equate physical intimacy with actual intimacy. I think opening your soul to someone is far more intimate than just a bit of bumping of the naughty parts. And if i was with someone for three years and i told them something that had worried me for a long time an they proceeded to inform me that they were now more worried about a potential encounter with some random w@nker in a bar than about my mental wellbeing i would be very pissed. as in p45 pissed.

by the way, congrats on having a honest conscience. i think they're nearing extinction

PCPhoto

did you happen to ask BF how many previous partners he has had ??? ...... Pot.... Kettle....Black !!!

Cabaal

To be honest your boyfriend needs to grow up and stop holding your past against you,