Older Dads

LegacyUser

I'm with my partner for almost a year. We are both very much in love and have dicussed the future. He has been clear from the start that we wants a family, as do I. We have a great relationship and I know he'll be a great dad.
However, he is seven years older than me and by the time we get a house together and get marrie (next two years or so), he'll be late 30s or 40. I don't want to have a baby until I'm married. I wonder if he'll be ok with being 40+ with young children. He says he wishes we had met ten years ago, but this isn't possible!!
What age are dads on here? Is 40+ ok or suitable for a first time dad-he might be 50 by the time we have the three or four we want!

simu

He's not that old! From the title of your post, I was expecting a 70 year old! There's nothing very unusual about a 40 something with young kids - don't worry about it.

40 is a perfectly normal age for a man to begin having babies!

There is absolutely nothing to worry about here

Bugnug

Chill out, 40 is a fine age to have kids at and very much the norm these days. Two of my work colleagues have recently had babies one at 43 and the other 39.

Relax and enjoy your relationship and each other cos when the kids arrive its a whole new ball game.

Good luck

Davidth88

I was 44 when my first little one was born

Love every min !


Good luck

stovelid

Judging by my own circle (and extended circle), it's becoming more and more common to have children when you're in your late 30s. I have myself and I've never felt better.

Pretty_Pistol

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

Quality

I think that as men grow older they learn to have more patience.

Also he will be more settled, As you get older family gets more important.

So these are good things in relation to age.

He is not that old anyway.

My cousin has a child to a 60 year old, he looks like the childs grandfather!! It has been mistakingly said to him a few times too!!:eek:

Dave!

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

If he's around long enough to raise you, then that's his job done... Not sure why your own future children factors into it tbh unless you were hoping he'd babysit from time to time !

Pretty_Pistol

Dave! wrote: »

If he's around long enough to raise you, then that's his job done... Not sure why your own future children factors into it tbh unless you were hoping he'd babysit from time to time !

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

Quality

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

I am glad that the age gap didnt matter to him...

Cause if he had your way of thinking you might not be here at all.:eek:

Pretty_Pistol

Quality wrote: »

I am glad that the age gap didnt matter to him...

Cause if he had your way of thinking you might not be here at all.:eek:

The age gap did bother him. My Mam wanted more kids.

metrovelvet

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

Yes. ITs also nice if he is still around to see you graduate from college.

It does sadden me that my father is not around to see my son and my son has no grandfather figure in his life.

LegacyUser

Thanks!
Maybe I am making too big a deal about this! Had a chat about it last night and he again said he wishes we had met ten years ago but what can we do!! He had been looking to settle down but our paths just never crossed, so we are where we are.
I asked him how he'd feel if we had an unplanned pregnancy, and he siad delighted, even though we are very careful at the moment and its very unlikely, so at least I know where I stand.
I'll just have to ease up on the "you're so old" jokes!

Elle Collins

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

So what do you suggest men do? Write themselves off as far as fatherhood is concerned at the exact and precise age of 45?

Some people do not meet the person they want to have a family with while both parties are in their mid twenties/early thirties or whatever age it is you deem appropriate to start a family.

Are you saying a person would be better off, rather than having an older dad, never having been born at all? - because for the children of couples who don't meet within your designated timeframe, those are the only two options.

Pretty_Pistol

Elle Collins wrote: »

So what do you suggest men do? Write themselves off as far as fatherhood is concerned at the exact and precise age of 45?

Some people do not meet the person they want to have a family with while both parties are in their mid twenties/early thirties or whatever age it is you deem appropriate to start a family.

Are you saying a person would be better off, rather than having an older dad, never having been born at all? - because for the children of couples who don't meet within your designated timeframe, those are the only two options.

Women have a designated timeframe so why shouldn't men. Just because men have the ability to produce a child later than women doesn't mean that they should. There is a difference between someone in their late 30's having a child compared to someone in their late 40's+.

Quality wrote: »

My cousin has a child to a 60 year old, he looks like the childs grandfather!! It has been mistakingly said to him a few times too!!:eek:

That is unfair on the child. Having an OAP for a parent at 5 yrs old. You don't think that's selfish?

I'm just giving my opinion from the childs perspective. It's not like I'm making some ignorant flippant remark. I know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying how I honestly feel. And I'm not the only child of an older person that thinks like this.

Seeing as this is the parenting forum your more than likely looking at it from the parents perspective only but maybe you should look at it from the opposite point of view for a second to see where I may be coming from.

Noffles

The age starts to show when the kids get a little older, especially in school, other kids would ask why the granddad has turned up etc... My lad is 15 and I'm 40, think that's fine really, will still be able to have a pint with him etc and not look like an old git getting in the way...

50 year olds with young kids is ****e though, for both I would imagine...

Hotblack Desiato

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Women have a designated timeframe so why shouldn't men.

Because biology works in different ways for men and women, that's why.

Just because men have the ability to produce a child later than women doesn't mean that they should.

Doesn't mean they shouldn't, either.

That is unfair on the child.

If you want to go down that route, will you take into care every child whose parent takes drugs, or drinks too much, or smokes?

seanybiker

40+ is ok. My father was 38 and mother 37 having me and my twin. If you want kids then, in my opinion there is no problem. My twin brothers partner has an aunt that is 49 and she is pregnant now. She will be 50 when the child is born. Fair enough it was a mistake but she seems happy.

Pretty_Pistol

ninja900 wrote: »

Because biology works in different ways for men and women, that's why.

I'm well aware of how biology works for both men and women. Thanks.

ninja900 wrote: »

Doesn't mean they shouldn't, either.

It does if it affects the child and the parents are just thinking of their own wants.

ninja900 wrote: »

If you want to go down that route, will you take into care every child whose parent takes drugs, or drinks too much, or smokes?

Comparing an older parent and a parent that is a drug addict or alcoholic is not even relevent.

You seem to be going against what I'm saying just for the sake of it rather than having an actual point.

Davidth88

Noffles wrote: »

50 year olds with young kids is ****e though, for both I would imagine...

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

Phil D

There's only seven years between you. In ten years time you'll hardly be a spring chicken yourself. Are you planning on getting rid of him over this and waiting a few more years to find someone else, get to know each other, settle down, get a house. By that point you'll be the same age. If you don't want kids by all means don't have them but how does age change anything about your situation?

dolliemix

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Yes he raised me but that big of an age gap does matter.

And I think it's a nice thing for a grandparent to be around to meet and have a relationship with their grandkids that's all. I wasn't thinking at all about babysitting or anything like that.

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

Women have a designated timeframe so why shouldn't men. Just because men have the ability to produce a child later than women doesn't mean that they should. There is a difference between someone in their late 30's having a child compared to someone in their late 40's+.



That is unfair on the child. Having an OAP for a parent at 5 yrs old. You don't think that's selfish?

I'm just giving my opinion from the childs perspective. It's not like I'm making some ignorant flippant remark. I know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying how I honestly feel. And I'm not the only child of an older person that thinks like this.

Seeing as this is the parenting forum your more than likely looking at it from the parents perspective only but maybe you should look at it from the opposite point of view for a second to see where I may be coming from.

To be honest, I think you are the one coming across as selfish. Of course it's sad that your Dad won't be around for ever, but he loved you and took care of you and was brave enough to have you. It sounds like you have a good relationship with him. You have been lucky to have each other for the time you have! Not everybody has that time with loved ones.

Everybody dreads when their parents are going to die, and there's never a right time. If you have loving parents when you are growing up it is a huge blessing.

I think the fact that you would say that your father was selfish to have become your father is strange and offensive.

Imagine yourself at 45+, you are told you are to become a parent. I reckon in that situation the most unselfish thing to do is to have the child! You love the child, sacrifice for the child and never once think 'maybe this was a mistake'. Then the child grows up and says you were selfish to have them because you are old :eek:

It will happen that people over 45 will have children

Davidth88 wrote: »

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

I don't agree at all with what the poster is saying. Babies are little miracles, as you know. 'Old people' aren't old any more. People live longer and are healthier when they are older. It's very common nowadays that people become parents in their late thirties/ forties. Your daughter exists because you choose to have her. That is the wonder of life!:)

metrovelvet

To be balanced here, with the advances in reproductive aids, women are extending their ages too. I know a 57 year old woman who through IVF got an egg donor from a classical violinist and a sperm from a russian truck driver and has a baby girl.

All in the name of the right to pursue happiness.

dolliemix

metrovelvet wrote: »

To be balanced here, with the advances in reproductive aids, women are extending their ages too. I know a 57 year old woman who through IVF got an egg donor from a classical violinist and a sperm from a russian truck driver and has a baby girl.

All in the name of the right to pursue happiness.

lol! How did she know what jobs the donors had?

My friend did IVF and says you don't get any information like that and told me to stop living in 'Friends' world!

metrovelvet

dolliemix wrote: »

lol! How did she know what jobs the donors had?

My friend did IVF and says you don't get any information like that and told me to stop living in 'Friends' world!

It's America. You can pick and choose your donors like you are ordering from Littlewoods.

She specifically wanted music in the background as her first love was a musician. She also wanted a boy and was disappointed when it was a girl and considered termination after spending 60K on the whole thing.

Pretty_Pistol

dolliemix wrote: »

Imagine yourself at 45+, you are told you are to become a parent. I reckon in that situation the most unselfish thing to do is to have the child! You love the child, sacrifice for the child and never once think 'maybe this was a mistake'. Then the child grows up and says you were selfish to have them because you are old :eek:

I wouldn't have a child in my late 40s just like I would'nt have one when I was a teenager.

You can try and sugarcoat it all you want but having a preschooler when hitting your 50's isn't ok.

Noffles

Davidth88 wrote: »

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

Sorry mate, not intended, just my own opinion is all...

Elle Collins

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I'm just giving my opinion from the childs perspective. It's not like I'm making some ignorant flippant remark. I know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying how I honestly feel. And I'm not the only child of an older person that thinks like this.

Seeing as this is the parenting forum your more than likely looking at it from the parents perspective only but maybe you should look at it from the opposite point of view for a second to see where I may be coming from.

Have you any idea how lucky you are to be the child of an older dad? Have you any idea how lucky you are to have had him all the years you were growing up? Have you any idea how lucky you are to still have your dad? You're upset because (in your view) his age means he won't be around much longer, well here's news - age is no guarantee of how long anyone will be around. I had young parents both of the age you would deem appropriate to start a family and they're both dead - long dead. I am giving my opinion from the childs perspective also. You were lucky, incredibly so, and are just too self-involved to see it.

Sorry but your attitude comes across as extremely selfish and self-centered. It's not enough that your dad gave you life to begin with - he should have timed it so that you got enough of his time as possible! You said earlier that you were well aware of how biology worked for both men and women. I doubt that since you don't seem to have factored the functioning of reproduction into your argument - had your parents had a child ten or fifteen years earlier it wouldn't have been you that was born; it would have been someone else.

I hate arguing and that's not where I want to go with this, but your comments have been offensive to me and hurtful to another poster who is an older dad. Maybe you ought to look at this situation from a different point of view for a second to see where others are coming from.

Jinxi

some people aren't in the position to have children until later in life, both financially and emotionally.
SAYING THAT... my uncle and his partner just had their first children at 54 and 45 respectively. Considering that its a real possiblity that their children will have to consider things like nursing homes and home help when starting out in college is a liitle depressing.

Khannie

Dave! wrote: »

If he's around long enough to raise you, then that's his job done... Not sure why your own future children factors into it tbh unless you were hoping he'd babysit from time to time !

That's a load of muck tbh. My dad had me when he was 40 and died when I was 25. My sisters are a good bit older than me and got 40+ years with him. Their kids got to know their grandfather and mine didn't / wont. etc. etc. Because you spend your teens and early 20's out with your mates (who didn't / doesn't) I didn't really get a chance to know him properly. Also, you're looking at a guy in his late 50's having to deal with a stroppy teenager from time to time. There are definitely downsides.

OP: While there are downsides I wouldn't let it put you off though. Just my 2c.

Khannie

Davidth88 wrote: »

Lord , when I am 50 , my daughter will be 7 .

some of the posts in this thread are actually making me really upset.

Try not to let them. I don't think anyone's saying it's a really bad idea. For what it's worth, my wifes dad was around the same age when she was born. He's well into his 70's now and happy and healthy.

Pretty_Pistol

Elle Collins wrote: »

Have you any idea how lucky you are to be the child of an older dad? Have you any idea how lucky you are to have had him all the years you were growing up? Have you any idea how lucky you are to still have your dad? You're upset because (in your view) his age means he won't be around much longer, well here's news - age is no guarantee of how long anyone will be around. I had young parents both of the age you would deem appropriate to start a family and they're both dead - long dead. I am giving my opinion from the childs perspective also. You were lucky, incredibly so, and are just too self-involved to see it.

I know how lucky I am to have the Dad that I do and that there are plenty of younger Dads out there that are awful but that doesn't mean that I can't have an opinion on how late they continued to have children.

I've already said that I know younger parents can pass away in my first post.

Elle Collins wrote: »

You said earlier that you were well aware of how biology worked for both men and women. I doubt that since you don't seem to have factored the functioning of reproduction into your argument - had your parents had a child ten or fifteen years earlier it wouldn't have been you that was born; it would have been someone else.

You don't think I know that.

Elle Collins wrote: »

I hate arguing and that's not where I want to go with this, but your comments have been offensive to me and hurtful to another poster who is an older dad. Maybe you ought to look at this situation from a different point of view for a second to see where others are coming from.

I can see how it would upset the other poster and it's not intentional but just because I feel differently to you doesn't mean I shouldn't express how I feel and if you look back on the thread I'm not the only one with this view.

Dave!

Khannie wrote: »

That's a load of muck tbh. My dad had me when he was 40 and died when I was 25. My sisters are a good bit older than me and got 40+ years with him. Their kids got to know their grandfather and mine didn't / wont. etc. etc. Because you spend your teens and early 20's out with your mates (who didn't / doesn't) I didn't really get a chance to know him properly. Also, you're looking at a guy in his late 50's having to deal with a stroppy teenager from time to time. There are definitely downsides.

OP: While there are downsides I wouldn't let it put you off though. Just my 2c.

Of course there are downsides, nobody has said that there aren't.

I'm sure any father would love to be around to watch the grandkids grow up, absolutely.

But a father's job is ultimately to raise his own children, so if he does that then excellent.

I'm sure nobody would be more disappointed than him that he doesn't get to play with the grandchildren, etc.

GerardKeating

Davidth88 wrote: »

I was 44 when my first little one was born

Love every min !


Good luck

Same here, well 46 really.

stovelid

While I have reservations about the odd assisted pregnancy stories you hear involving older women, I think 45 is OK.

I grew up with only one grandparent, and while I'm delighted my boy has three left, his relationship with his grandparents is secondary to us bringing him up.

Given the amount of neglect out there, a child is blessed to have loving parents, no matter what their age.

C2

Ok I KNOW this post is a year old but I came across it and was pretty shocked by the attitude of the person who said that having an older dad (from their own experience) was a problem and that they had friends who agreed.

Well here's my point of view- my dad is 89. He had his kids at 48, 53 and 55. He is now a grandad and his grandchildren love him. He has been a total rock to us.

There are many big advantages to being an older dad- he had no loans, mortgages or stresses by that time. He had more time to spend with us. He had a far greater understanding of the world when he had us. We have had a great life, I never have seen my parents argue, we have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with them and see a lot of things and places that families struggling with mortgages etc can't.

And hey, so he mightn't have been as fit as a 30 year old dad but the other stuff made up for it!!

There are advantages and disadvantages to everything in life. You should love and appreciate what you have!

Moonbeam

I think once you are young enough to cope with the kids and you both want them then he isn't too old for them.
One of the best dads that I know is 42 with a 1 year old.

Hotblack Desiato

I've a strong suspicion that many of the odder comments in this thread (a 45-year-old's kids will have to worry about nursing homes when they're 20?!?) are written from the perspective of someone in their mid-20s, at most. 40 seems old then

stovelid

It seems a little selfish to shift the goalposts of parental duty from successfully raising you to add successfully dispensing with grandparent duties too.

Neyite

I had an older dad. He was 43 when he started his family and 59 when the last of us was born. He spent his twenties and thirties working his fingers to the bone to afford a mortgage-free home for his future wife and children. He did this an more - when we came along, he had been made redundant and his redundancy money coupled with his savings and pensions, meant that if he was careful with it, he didnt need to work again.

He had the time to make us our breakfast every morning, I got to come home to a dad at home every day after school. He ate dinner with us as a family every single day. I am truly blessed that he had the wisdom to secure his future financially in order that he could enjoy his children, and we could enjoy our dad. It made me sad when I would hear friends dads barely seeing them because of work. I believe that if I added up all the time spent with my dad, I would still have far more than other girls my age with a dad 20 years younger, purely because their dad would be working until all hours.

He was in his eighties when he died, and for as long as we could, we kept him at home and cared for him during his long illness. As heartbreaking as it was to see him fade, he had good innings, he saw some of his grandkids, and lived to see us all graduate and settled with good partners and in good jobs. That was his simple dream in life - he always put his kids first.

I consider it a priviledge that I got to care for him in his final years. God knows it was the least I could do after all he did for us long before he even met our mother.

Chocholic7

My father was 50 when he and his new wife had my brother. Was funny as I had my first child that year too! I don't think it's selfish having childeren at an older age, I know there is a risk you may not be around for as long as you hope when they are in their mid 20's onwards but as long as the child is loved and grows up in a safe and happy environment then that's all that matters

LegacyUser

I'm 25, my youngest sister is 10, and my father is 62.

When I think back to 15 years ago, when I was a 10 year old, my memories are of a very strict workaholic father. He was self-employed, and I remember when we finished school each day we'd be waiting in the playground for anything from 30 minutes to (often) up to three hours for him to get a chance to collect us from school and bring him home. He was very uptight and tense a lot of the time, and generous with the wooden spoon! Really, we didn't see enough of him to know him too well. I have the odd happy memory of when he would "play" with us, when we were away on holidays etc, and it was so much fun. But we never really got the chance to get close enough to "confide" in him and to get close to him.

Over the years he has mellowed so much, and I now consider him one of my best friends. He is now retired, and I suppose you would call him a "house husband".

I arrived at my parents house the other evening. My father was playing in the front garden with my 10 year old sister and a group of her friends, they were playing piggy in the middle and he was the "piggy". He and they were having the time of their lives - he seemed to have more energy and enthusiasm than a man half his age, teasing and tricking the kids and making them run all over the place, and of course they loved it and were having great fun. I rarely see younger fathers getting so involved with childish games with their kids!

He now has all the time in the world for my young sister along with his other children, and he has the experience to be able to let the small things slide and to chill out a bit - my youngest sister never experienced any strict discipline, and she's probably the best behaved of any of us!

He's certainly a different father to the father I had while I was growing up - but it's not a bad thing. I certainly can't imagine that my little sister will have anything but good memories of him to look back on.

You can't know what the future will bring. He might die tomorrow or he might live to a hundred - but you could say the say about a twenty year old father. I personally think that the age of a person is pretty much irrelevant to what kind of parent they will be.

Victor Meldrew

Pretty_Pistol wrote: »

I don't want to seem like a downer but as a child of an older Dad (late 40's) I think it's kind of selfish to have children after 45.

I love my Dad and he was great when I was growing up. He was very healthy considering his age. But now he is really getting on he seems to be deteriorating quite fast and more than likely won't be around for when any of us have children which makes me sad to think about it.

I know people will say that accidents/disease/death can happen to young parents but I'm just saying this as someone with an older parent.

Don't want to sound crass, but, anything can happen in life.

Early death can be an issue, but, not having a grandparent is not the end of the world. you and your kids will be fine with that.

I lost my Dad when i was 11 long (illness), I'm 38 now and there is a good chance that I will not be there for my kids (4.5 & almost 2) weddings. Losing a parent leaves a huge void in your life, grandparents are a "nice to have" by comparison.

However, marital breakup and resulting estrangement are far bigger risks when embarking on having a family.

This does not stop people wanting kids. better to have them when you are ready psychologically (mature) than at the biologically optimal time (25?).

deman

I find the OP's post almost insulting and very immature. Maybe instead of worrying if a first-time father is too old for a newborn baby, you should be asking if you are ready to take on this huge responsibility. I know quite a few men who became dads for the first time in their early 40 and can handle it much better that men 10 years their junior. I had my first at 28 and my youngest at 40, so know what I'm talking about.

LegacyUser

I'm the child of an older dad (44 when I was born) and it was great. Sadly he passed away when I was 21 (he was 65, which is a bit younger than average for his generation).

I got a father who had been in relationships, been divorced, travelled all over the world and reached the top of his profession. He taught me so much about life that a 20 year old couldn't have.

And yes, it's sad that if I have kids, he'll never meet them - but that has more to do with the fact he died prematurely and I want a family as late as safely possible. A man of his generation could easily have lived another 10-15 years in good health. Still, it's a shame he'll never meet them.

But I can pass on the memory of an amazing man to them - a very different man than the one I would have known if he'd had me when he was twenty years younger.

If I have kids, I can tell them his stories about living in England, Japan, the UAE, American, Canada, Germany and the Netherlands. I can tell them the lessons he learned from his first marriage and divorce.

He would have been a great dad anyway, even if I had been born 20 years earlier. even though I lost him too soon, I'm perfectly happy with the one I got and wouldn't change him for anything

There are huge advantages and disadvantages to both - if you raise your kids in a loving environment and are good parents, then they'll handle the disadvantages just fine!