Outside Opinions Please

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'd just like some non biased outside opinions please, need some other peoples perspectives on what i'm doing.

We've been together for 2 years in April, having met online about 3 years ago. We chatted for hours on end via msn in the beginning and though we lived in different countries, made the effort to go see each other and generally got on fine and there seemed to be a spark. I had been single for a few years and was dying for a girlfriend. We decided to give things a go by living together and moving to the same country the other side of the world.

The problem since early on has been the differences in our personalities and our view on the world. I'm quite laid back about life in general and tend to see the good in people. Having been through a lot of stress and crap during my late teens and early twenties and losing my father has made me just think life is not something to take too seriously when it comes to some things and try not to get angry or stressed about things too much any more. We live in a fantastic place with no real worries apart from the usual occasional money woes and I just want to be happy and enjoy the good times now.

She on the other hand generally assumes people are always out to screw her over, partly I think due to her being badly bullied in school by other girls and also from her Dad who seems to have been quite angry at times. Shes nice underneath but gets really worked up when she thinks people are giving her bad service (bus drivers/waiters/random strangers) or has confrontations with colleagues, friends and often myself about stuff that most people, myself included, just wouldn't get worked up about and would shrug their shoulders and move on. She gets REALLY annoyed at little things that don't even occour to me as bad or extremely stressed about situations that I'm relaxed about and could easily handle.

The problem lies therin that when she gets annoyed or angry at stuff I try and calm her down or offer solutions and that just makes us both get annoyed because she feels i'm not supporting her by simply agreeing with her and seeing her point of view, and me for thinking shes crazy for getting annoyed by a simple thing in the first place. I cant play devils advocate, I just have to listen and say nothing if I want to avoid a row. If I express the fact I think she's actually making something out of nothing or try and tell her a way to fix the problem she gets angry with me.

I just feel everything is doomed because we'll never have the same outlook on life and will always go through the cycle we're in of getting on okay for a while, then something happens to her at work or when we're out and because we don't respond to the problem the same way we end up fighting. We have a big row at least once a month and a few littles ones evey week or two. I grew up in a house where there was never a bad word said and I never fight with friends, family or co-workers, i'm really relaxed and generally just want an easy life. I think that drives her mad sometimes because she feels I dont support her properly because I often think shes' totally wrong to get so worked up about stuff. Shes often got angry or been rude to people when we're out and about and it embarrass me to hell and makes me want to get away from her. I cant' just totally agree with her point of view if I dont' believe it myself but she feels I should do, even if I think its wrong. I just can't! She thinks its something a boyfriend should do but Its just not in me to blindly agree.

I'm also feeling the spark has gone and every time we row i'm wanting more to get away. I dred being single and on my own again, especially in a foreign country but after two years of livng together I just dont feel like we're going to get anywhere. Our sex life is crap and only happens maybe 3-4 times a month, I dont even feel like kissing much anymore. I dont know whether I really love her or not and certainly dont feel I want to have kids with her as she'd be screaming at them to behave and i'd be helping them misbehave! I think I probably should just call things a day but it just feels like two long years of us both making compromise and trying to work things out would be wasted.

Arrrgh. What to do

Cheap Thrills!

She sounds like a bit of a tyrant. People who were bullied sometimes turn into Bullies themselves or maybe she was never really bullied but perceived she was. As you say she is in the habit of making a mountain out of a molehill and has a bit of a persecution complex.

Unless she can gain some insight into her bahaviour, and see what an obnoxious nightmare she is being then this is the end of the road.

If she denies her behaviour then its over.

Barracudaincork

OP this is an extremely unhealthy relationship. Her behaviour is nothing short of brattish and cannot be tolerated and tbh gives other people who were bullied a bad name as many would not use that as an excuse for their behaviour.

As hard as being lonely in a foreign country seems, a life with this women would be a whole lot lonelier. Also being lonely is no excuse to stay with anyone, and not only is it unfair on you, it is also unfair on her.

Also i find once the sex starts to go, its pretty much over, its very hard to get back and its never the same again, especially if you have gotten to the stage of not wanting to kiss her!

Also its not 2 years wasted, its two years research into what you want or dont want in a partner

LegacyUser

Dude,

I've been there and I ended it.

If your world views are that different then you'll never get along.

I was going out with a girl and she like your one had the view that people were trying to get one over on her. She'd be rude to taxi drivers, waiters and people we knew - I found that very difficult to deal with.

It all stemmed from her being deeply unhappy inside and distrustful of people due to her upbringing (long story) - it was unfortunate that it manifested itself as rudeness to others.

I knew I couldn't "fix" her and that we'd never see eye to eye over those little things - so I was always stressed out.

I was living in another country with her. It wasn't that bad when we broke up - I had a few evening classes I went to and friends at work.

I've dumped friends for being rude and obnoxious because to me that is unacceptable behaviour.

Funnily enough though, myslef and the ex are still in touch (have been for the last 10 years). She's calmed down a lot and chilled out and is a good friend of mine now.

Time for you to end it

ManOfMystery

Sounds incredibly like the situation me and my ex were in.

You can't change people, and 2 people with such different perspectives on life will never gel................. we didn't work out and I doubt this will either

StillWaters

I would never ever date someone who is rude to taxi drivers/waiters/bus drivers - inexcusable!

In any case it sounds as if you have no love left for her. Don't stay with her because to leave would be 2 years wasted, those 2 years will end up 3, 5, 20 years, maybe with some children forced to live with this dysfunctional woman.

Make your escape plan.

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for the thoughts, makes me feel good to think i'm not being silly about this. Its like everyones her enemy sometimes and shes even said herself most people irritate her, even a lot of stuff I do irritates her and not very much on this planet irritates me!

I've no idea how to get out of this right now logistically, financially or without breaking her hear (she is very much into me and i'm feeling little for her) but I know its for the best in the long run. Shes going to say shes a bad person and think that its all her fault etc but theres nothing i can do about that. I do love her deep down and do care about her but enough is enough. A hippy cant be with an angry.

The kids thing also freaks me out, plenty of mates are having kids etc and I just wouldnt want to have them with her now or in the future...we'd raise them so differently and fight even more.

Thanks folks!