Am I Depressed?

LegacyUser

i'm 19, female and still live at home. my grandmother owns the house. I was brought up by my mum and granny.

my mother is constantly snapping/barking/sniping at me and my granny. we/i can't ask her anything or say anything to her, because she just snaps at me. i don't know why she is like this, i haven't done anything.

she has credit card debt of around €5k-€7k.

i am on jsa and get €100 p.w. last year, when i got my backdated payment, she asked to borrow €800 euros from me to put towards her credit card debt, as it would give her about three months to get some money together so she could pay of more. her payments were €500 per month, but since nov/dec, they have come down to between €150-€300 per month. my mum earns less than €150 per week. she works part time (afternoons) and is off on wednesday (there isn't enough work for her to be there full time 5 days a week), and she is looking for another job for mornings/weekends. if im honest, i dont know if my mum did actually put the €800 towards the cc debt, i have my suspicions she put it in the bank and spent most of it.

when i had an interview for jsa, my deciding officer told me, my mum (after he'd seen some of her pay/wage documents) could apply for jsb/jsa as she would definitely be able to get it for the hours/days she isn't working. it would be a HUGE help to her financially, and she knows it, but won't do anything about it, because it's "embarrassing". plenty of other people have to do it as they probably would survive otherwise and for them "it's fine", but my mum likes to think she is "above others", she denies this, but it's true. she also likes to give the impression she has money, even though she doesnt. if she lost her job in the morning, i dont know what she'd do, as she wouldnt sign-on/apply for social welfare.

my mother is always calling me "a disgrace", apparently "i am not fit to live in a house". i am very tidy/clean. when i put clothes in the launcdry basket, i fold them, i never leave clothes/shoes/make-up/personal belongings "lying around". they are kept tidily away.

every week (sometimes twice or three times weekly) she buys alcohol (wine/beer/gin). every night, without fail, she drinks. usually between 2-4 drinks. She smokes as well.

every morning when she gets up, she always says "i have a headache" and takes two neurofen plus. And when she comes home in the evening from work (about 7pm), sometimes she takes 1 neurofen. I don't know if she takes neurofen in work (she is the only employee in work, only two people there, herself and her boss. and her boss is out and about sometimes, so my mum is there on her own.

monthly she pays the vhi, which is €160 euro for the two of us. €80 each. before i have offered my share and she says she doesn't want the money. so i asked her to cancel my vhi (she'd save €80 per month, which could do a lot for her, towards bills etc and she'd probably have some left over to put in the bank/credit union).

my granny owns the house and i have offered to give her some money each month to cover my share of the bills and she says no, she says, when i am working and earning more than €100 p.w, then i can contribute, but for now, i am to keep whatever money i have and save it up. i do buy my own food.

everytime i look anything in a shops food, clothes, shoes, books anything at all, she gives me her opinion, which is always negative. i rarely ever get a positive opinion. she gives me her opinion whether i ask for it or not, and i never ask for it, because i know it is negative.

my granny and mam split the bills 50/50, we get bills every two-three months and as the bills are in my grannies name, she get free points/discounts because of her age. so the bills cost about €220 every three months. €110 each.

she's borrowing money of my granny almost every week, and it takes her a few weejs to pay my granny back. my granny said, she can't trust my mum to collect her (granny) pension because she can't be sure if she'll get all the money. my mum sometimes borrows money form my granny's pension, and only tells her after she's done it.

a family member is recently married and my mum gave the couple €600 euros (€300 from her and €300 from my granny), my granny wanted to give them €300 (€150 from mam and €150 from granny), but mam said no, €300 is tight/mean. my granny gave them the moeny (after being pestered by mam to do so) and mam promised she'd pay back the €300, the wedding is almost a year ago, and my granny hasn't seen a penny of the money. also, at xmas '09, it was my granny who paid for the xmas pressies for everyone, as my mam said she didnt have the money to buy present, which is true, she doesn't have money.

i get €100 a week on the dole, i have a small amount of money in the credit union, as i cant put my money in the bank because i cant be sure she wont get take money out. she knows my pin number, i dont know how as i never told her, so i think she may have read my letter from the bank with my pin letter/slip in it. also, when my bank statements are posted out, they are addressed to her (even though i am 19) and the bank say i cant change that until i am 21 (as that what my mam specified when she opened my account when i was a child), and unless she comes in and signs a form to say i can have them addressed to my name, i cant do anything. so now i have had to get online banking and register for e-statements, otherwise, she will know what i buy/where i buy and what i spend (which isn't a lot as i use cash mostly, only use my laser if I have no cash on me, which is rare). this week, i am going to another bank to open an account (which she wont know about) and i am going to put all my money in there. it's a terrible thing to say; but i cannot trust my mother with any of my financial information because i am scared she will take money on me. it hurts to say it, but it is true.

i dont even have my own bedroom or bed. i am stuck sharing a bed and room with my mum as she had the two spare rooms full of her stuff (junk stuff, clothes/shoes she never wears, ornaments that she doesnt need) but "just in case she decides she likes them" she keeps them. she keeps promising to clear one/both of the rooms, but it never happens. i've asked her, granny has asked her and it goes in one ear and out the other. in one spare room, i have a 6-drawer chest, in which, all of my clothes/make-up/ etc are kept. my shoes are all in shoe boxes, neatly kept in a corner. i have no where else to put them.

my grandmother said she will buy me a bed and pay for my room to be decorated, but nothing cna be done until my mother clears the room(s) out.

i know this is a truly awful thing to say, but if my granny passed away tomorrow, i honestly do not know what would happen to my mother.

if i ask my mother to do something (which i never/rarely do) she just says "f**k off and do it yourself", but when she asks me to do something for her, i have to do it, otherwise she starts a big agument, and then my granny is caught in the middle. which isnt fair on her, she is an elderly woman and doesnt need the guff.

my mum also won't allow me to do housework. the only time i can do some housework (wash/dry dishes), is when my mam is at work, the floors/strairs are usually done 1-2 times a week as they take about 2hrs to do. i dont know why i am not allowed to do any hosuework when she is around. i am 19yo, well able and willing to help around the house, but for whatever reason, i am not allowed to.

i want to move out and get my own place, but i cant, i have looked into it and was told that because i am intentionally making myself homeless, iw ould not get rent allowance or anything, other than the jsa. and i couldnt afford to pay rent and bills with just €400 a month.

i constantly feel i have a headache, although i think it is just stress and tension. i have had some health problems recently, abd have still to undergo more tests.

i have no one to talk to, no friends, my family would laugh, blab back to mum and i'd be in serious trouble. i dont know what to do. a few times i have though about suicide, but then though "no, that's a cowards way out", every day i just "hang in there" and day by day i am feeling more and more down. i spend hours crying each day because i feel like i am stuck and things will never change. i just cant much for much longer, i really cant. i stay up/awake until the early hours and sleep until the afternoon as those are the only times i can ignore her. it's getting to teh stage now, where i wont/cant speak to her unless she speaks to e first. it's that bad.

my mum needs help, and she wont get it, i know she wont, i have mentioned it to her before (about the alcohol and neurofen) and she says "will you go and f**k off". if i talk to my doctor, he will most likely ask her to come in and see him, then when she comes home, she'll absolutely eat me alive.

i feel, if i moved out, our relationshiip could improve, but i wont know until it happens, if it happens. i have no education and no work experience. i am on jsa for almost a year and havent applied for one job because there is no jobs where i live, places are closing down/letting staff go, not hiring staff. i want to do some voluntary work experience to increase my chances of gaining paid employment in the future, but the social welfare said i cant because i have to be available for work 6 days a week. i feel even if i could get voluntary for even a few hours a week, it would be a start/help, but it's not allowed. i cant do a fas course cos i have no state exams & the waiting lists are as long as 6mths+.

what can i do?

thanks for any help.

Whynotme

Gosh you have it rough. My heart goes out to you for living such a life at such a young age.

While not excusing your mother, I can somewhat understand her. If she has financial problems this would in part account for her moods. If she is in debt with no hope of sorting it out she is probably drinking to forget. As a result of that, she has probably become reliant on the pain killers to numb the headaches, so basically she is caught in a vicious circle. Only she can sort these out, maybe with a bit of assistance from you.

First off, I think you need to get yourself to Al-Anon. There you will learn that you are not alone, you will get the support to deal with the issues you are having problems with. You will learn that your mother is responsible for herself. That she has to want to change and that only she has control over that.

Maybe get leaflets from MABS and leave them lying around so that she will see there is help out there for financial problems. However, in order to get on top of her credit cards she needs to cut them up. Again that has to be her choice.

Whoever gave you the info on voluntary work is talking bull. Yes you need to be available, but not 24/7. Maybe help out in your local nursing home in the evenings? Or join Vincent De Paul. There are plenty of charities that just ask for 1 evening a week.

Have you applied for a medical card? Have you spoken to your gp? Not about your mother, about yourself? Sometimes it is good to talk and I think in your case you need to.

You need to tell your mother the next time she verbally abuses you that you don't need her abuse, that you do not deserve it. No-one does. If she persists, leave the room or house if necessary. Tell her in no uncertain terms that if she is unhappy to sort it out but not take it out on you and your grandmother.

Do the housework. Do help out. Do give your grandmother something, even if it is only €5 a wk, this will make you feel better about yourself and will also let her know you appreciate her. If she won't take it, buy her flowers. Anything.

Look for jobs anywhere. Start looking after yourself. Do a distance learning course, do an on-line ecdl course, anything. Give yourself some hope.

Wishing you the very best of luck. x

LegacyUser

Op here

she is sorting the debt out, but it will be a number of years until it is sorted out (unless she miraculously gets loads of money), she is keeping up with her payments, and every few months they decrease (so she says) as she hasnt missed any, never been late etc.

it is the only debt she has. so, if she went to the social welfare, she would be able to get something from them (jsa/jsb) which would help her out even more, she knows this, but wont do anything about it. she thinks she isnt entitled to anything, but the deciding officer said she is definitly entitled to something. for her the claiming social welfare is embarrassing, and for her, maybe it is. however, there are plenty of other people who have had no choice but to swallow their pride and sign-on, so i dont know why she feels she is different.

to be honest, i don't believe she has headaches at all, i think she is just so used to saying that and taking neurofen and now, it has beome part of daily life for her and she wont change that.

i do understand that she has to want to help herself, and only when she accepts that, can she get help. but it is so hard to see and live with this every day.

i am starting to resent her.

i have piss off self confidence, self esteem. my skin is dull, i have dark circles under my eyes, i am starting to get wrinkles form lack of sleep/too much stress/worry. i always feel tired. the back of my neck/top of my shoulder are always sore/stiff, which is probably form tension.

i asked the social welfare inspector/officer about the volentuary work and it was he who told me about needing so be free 24/7, 6 days a week.

thank you for letting me know the info was bull, i will go back to the social welfare later this week when i am in town and speak to them about it.

yes, i do have a medical card. no, i havent spoken to my gp as i am afraid he will call my mother in to speak to her and she will eat me when she gets home.

thank you, i think i will have to stand up to her because as aforementioned, i cant put up with this behaviour much longer, it is so draining, and i dont know if she realises that.

if my grandad was still alive she wouldn't behave like she is. because he would have told her straight to sort herself out or else move out.

every time i try to do housework when mam is here, she shoves me out of the way and does it herself. i have asked her time and time again why am i not allowed to do housework and i never get an answer, only "i dont have to explain myself to you". there are plenty of people out there who would be grateful for help with hosuework, so why my mam is different, i dont know.

she doesnt like flowers/chocolates lol. i do buy some foods that they like (i like them too) and thats it, because she wont take money, no matter what.

mam also doesn't pay rent. only money for bills & food.

i am looking for jobs all over.

where can i do a distance learning course or an online course? i know there are some with fas, but i cant do fas courses cos i have no state exams. do you have a links?

thank you, i appreciate you taking the time to reply.

i feel slightly better now that i've 'spoken' about this, even if it is on an internet forum, it is a start. hopefully things will get better, but i dont know.

Shelga

Why haven't you applied for any jobs? You are on jsa for a year and have not applied for a single job, to be honest I find it hard to muster sympathy for you in that respect. If there are no jobs within a suitable distance, is college an option? Sounds like it would be beneficial for you, give you a qualification and get you out of the house.

You sound like you are too wrapped up in your home life, as a result every problem is amplified hugely and you, your mam and your granny perhaps rely on each other too much. Have you friends you can speak to about your current situation?

The bank statement thing is rubbish, my bank statements have been addressed to me ever since I opened my first account at 16. Just tell them you want them addressed to you; you don't have to take everything your mother tells you at face value. Also you can change your pin within 3 minutes at any atm, if I remember correctly.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to start taking responsibility for your life, applying for jobs or college courses, and getting out of the house. Your mother sounds difficult to live with and her drinking sounds excessive. As another poster suggested, perhaps AA would help you deal with this?

Take care.