How To Forgive Myself? / Make It Right

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Long story short, I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago (a couple of months ago now), and the circumstances were awful.

Basically we broke up, and after a few weeks she got in contact, and we said that we wanted to be f buddies. Within a day, she said that she didn't want to. This wrecked my head, and that night I sent a horrible text message with some horrible things said to her. Some choice words if you will. Since then I have had no contact from her.

I realize that to be in contact with her would be a bad thing, and that she was wrong in certain things she did, and I was with stuff I called her.

I just need to know, is there any way I can make it right in your opinion / experience? How do I forgive myself? I feel guilty as it was so out-of-character, but I was pushed to the limits.

Thanks

KillerKity

All kinds of horrible things are said during/after a break up :rolleyes: Can you just say sorry to her?

Chinafoot

OP121 wrote: »

Basically we broke up, and after a few weeks she got in contact, and we said that we wanted to be f buddies.

You say we. Can I ask who suggested the fúck buddy set up?

OP121 wrote: »

Within a day, she said that she didn't want to.

She's entitled to change her mind. Tbh, she's probably made a sensible decision if your relationship ended badly or if there were unresolved feelings on either side.

OP121 wrote: »

This wrecked my head, and that night I sent a horrible text message with some horrible things said to her. Some choice words if you will. Since then I have had no contact from her.

I have to say, with such an extreme reaction you have probably made this girl realise that she was 100% right in her decision to do a u-turn on the fúck buddy situation. Yeah, its annoying when people change their minds like that but she most certainly didn't deserve abuse for it.

OP121 wrote: »

I realize that to be in contact with her would be a bad thing, and that she was wrong in certain things she did, and I was with stuff I called her.

Changing her mind isn't "wrong". She probably had a think about the discussion you had, maybe mentioned it to a friend, and realised it really wasn't what she wanted. She's allowed do that. I'd have to question why you reacted so badly to your ex changing her mind on a no-strings sex situation.

OP121 wrote: »

I just need to know, is there any way I can make it right in your opinion / experience? How do I forgive myself? I feel guilty as it was so out-of-character, but I was pushed to the limits.

How were you pushed to the limits? Had she changed her mind on being fúck buddies multiple times then I might feel a little sympathy, but you said she changed her mind the same day that you had decided to go down that road. Again, a very extreme reaction to someone having a rethink.

If you want to ease your guilt then maybe send her an email (or even a quick text) and apologise for your overreaction and tell her you were completely out of order. Leave it at that.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I didn't exactly give the whole situation.

I suggested the f buddy set up because she had texted me a few days before that looking for sex (which I declined). She agreed to being f buddies. It was just so hard to accept that within a few hours that she changed her mind. It felt like she was playing with my head.

Before this she tried to be friends, when she broke up with me first. I didn't want to be friends, and she kept saying she wanted to be friends. But she didn't even want to go to a gig over Christmas that we were supposed to go to. What sort of friend does that?

Part of me is dying to email her to say sorry, but another part of me is saying that she messed me about.

Chinafoot

OP121 wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't exactly give the whole situation.

I suggested the f buddy set up because she had texted me a few days before that looking for sex (which I declined). She agreed to being f buddies. It was just so hard to accept that within a few hours that she changed her mind. It felt like she was playing with my head.

Equally she could argue that you were messing with her head by declining her offer of sex and then a few days later deciding you wanted her to be your fúck buddy. She did the same thing, only in a shorter space of time. Did you feel that you were messing her around? I'm guessing not since you seem to be placing full blame on her here.

OP121 wrote: »

Before this she tried to be friends, when she broke up with me first. I didn't want to be friends, and she kept saying she wanted to be friends. But she didn't even want to go to a gig over Christmas that we were supposed to go to. What sort of friend does that?

Wait, ok so she wanted to be friends and you kept saying no, then you wanted to go to a gig with her and she didn't. So now she's entirely in the wrong? Look, if I was trying to be friends with an ex I wouldn't be going to gigs or to pubs straight off. I'd be meeting him for a coffee every now and then, a few texts or calls here and there. You sound incredibly inflexible.

OP121 wrote: »

Part of me is dying to email her to say sorry, but another part of me is saying that she messed me about.

If you think she messed you about then you messed her about too. You changed your mind and so did she. You are both entitled to do that. She most certainly didn't deserve to get a text from you full of abuse.

I wouldn't advise apologising to her because you can't see the part you have played in this. Forget her and move on, because you can be guaranteed if she has any sense she'll have forgotten you after that message.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot,

I am not shirking any responsibility for anything I have done. I feel bad for what I have done. I am sorry for what I have done, and am accepting some of the blame. I CAN see the part I have played in this, and that is why I am sorry.

I do not have any other motive, nor do I believe that we are a good match (upon retrospect). I simply want to apologize. She didn't deserve that, it was written in a moment of emotion, and it was stupid. It was very out-of-character.

So I can't make it right? How do I go about forgiving myself?

meditraitor

OP121 wrote: »

Chinafoot,

I am not shirking any responsibility for anything I have done. I feel bad for what I have done. I am sorry for what I have done, and am accepting some of the blame. I CAN see the part I have played in this, and that is why I am sorry.

I do not have any other motive, nor do I believe that we are a good match (upon retrospect). I simply want to apologize. She didn't deserve that, it was written in a moment of emotion, and it was stupid. It was very out-of-character.

So I can't make it right? How do I go about forgiving myself?

Dont beat yourself up about it, you were not compatible, and there is little chance of being friends in the short/medium term so dont bother with an apology.
Forget about her and move on.

Good Luck

Chinafoot

OP121 wrote: »

I simply want to apologize.

Well then apologise. Once its not "I'm sorry but..."

You should just move on and forget it though tbh. I'm sure she has.

LegacyUser

Did it ever occur to you that she might have feelings for you? She may have known that you weren't that into her but still hoped, that might be why she wanted to remain friends and agreed to the f buudy situation only to realise that she wanted more. By the sounds of it you don't know what you want. If your going to contact her do it because you want to make amends for the way you treated her and to resolve any issues not to make yourself feel better. Maybe ask to meet up and talk openly and honestly and go from there.