Confused about ex etiquette?

LegacyUser

Hi

Looking for advice from people who have possibly gone through something similar and want to share their experiences and opinions?

Myself and my OH of 7 years broke up three weeks ago. We both decided that the relationship was going no further and while we were both very upset and are still in love we know it was for the best. So we did not speak for a full two weeks, no contact. We were friends before dating so this was the longest we had not spoken for in over 10 years which was very strange.

Anyway, last weekend we agreed to meet to chat and we decided that we would stay friends and keep in touch. We also ended up sleeping together. My OH suggested that we could maybe have an "arrangement" whereby we can continue to sleep together & stop if either of us meet other people.

I'm considering this but am very confused about staying in touch and the arrangement. I fear it may be prolonging the inevitable - one of us will meet someone else & we will end up getting hurt. I'm also not sure i want to be just that with this person, as we have spent so much time together, im not sure if i would feel cheap about this arrangement. Obviously there are benefits but im not sure if its the right thing to do

Any suggestions?

sporina

well this arrangement will as you said, delay the inevitable. If you want to grieve and adjust to no longer being together i would suggest you move on now. Ive been there twice - and have learned now its best to move on,,,

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I haven't been through anything similar, however I would be of the opinion that you should leave it. You have been broken up just three weeks and you say you are still in love so your feelings are still raw and very much there.

I think if you kept sleeping with him then you would regret it. If you do sleep with him, your feelings are unlikely to go away because you would still be sharing that intimacy which you no doubt have shared during your relationship. I think it would be a big mistake.

When he starts seeing someone else (and he will eventually) you might feel resent, jealousy and/or pain at how easily and quickly the arrangement may end.

Similarly if you start seeing someone else then he may feel one or all of these things. And if one person feels like this, the friendship you both want to maintain will be severed. Nothing good can come of this IMO. It will end in tears from one of you.

You would prob be better cutting contact for a while and sorting your head out. Figure out what you want. Do things you've put off doing. Keeping busy will help time pass quicker and time is the best healer.

Best of luck, OP.

CR

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, I agree with you both and I guess I was looking for someone to tell me to go for it - even though deep down I know its the wrong decision.

It's probably an easy option short term but will not end well. I have thought about this though and I still want to be friends with him, whether or not i take up this offer of the "agreement". Only problem is we have amazing sexual attraction to each other and I know that if I meet him again something will happen.

It's a bit of a catch 22!

Miss Fluff

Quit while you're ahead. You have the advantage of having gone through an amicable break up. Being demoted from girlfriend to fcuk buddy will only mess things up. How would you feel if he unceremoniously "dumps" you as soon as he meets a girl he falls for? Avoid this at all costs. If you're looking for sex, you will have no problem finding a willing FB, you don't need to sleep with an ex. As someone else pointed out, you should probably avoid contact for a while as it will let you get on with things with a clearer head.

sporina

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Quit while you're ahead. You have the advantage of having gone through an amicable break up. Being demoted from girlfriend to fcuk buddy will only mess things up. How would you feel if he unceremoniously "dumps" you as soon as he meets a girl he falls for? Avoid this at all costs. If you're looking for sex, you will have no problem finding a willing FB, you don't need to sleep with an ex. As someone else pointed out, you should probably avoid contact for a while as it will let you get on with things with a clearer head.

LOL... could not have said it better... fair play

LegacyUser

i broke up with my ex and went back to him a alotta times because i missed him and we both obviously missed the intimacy but if he ever had asked me to be his fb i would have been seriously offended.i dunno how u even considered it.my goin back to my ex was because i wanted him back.i assume when ur having sex with him u still want him back? if u dont want him back have no contract with him for a while until u get your head sorted.i take it u dont have kids r anything with this guy so count urself lucky u can do that and move on.he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Barracudaincork

Will this "arrangement" mean you are free to see other people if so, how do you feel about having sex with him 12 hours after he has had sex with someone else (like a FB could)? Could you be with him knowing he was with someone else so recently? If the answer is yes and that you will be out there having your fun too then go for it, but if there is any tiny wee bit of you that would be miffed if he had sex with you and another women in a 24 hour period, then stay well clear!

LegacyUser

Just lookin at the replies and I completely see the problems this can raise. I had thought about the situation where he may sleep with someone else & me within a few days and that has put me right off. I dont think he would, but then again I wouldnt be in a position to ask him either.

The suggestion was only made as we had ended up together at the weekend and we decided to be friends, i said that what we had just done would complicate things and he said it would but we could from time to time. It would not be a buddy situation i dont think, more like when we really needed to. My logic is that it would be better from him rather than going to sleep with a randomer. Anyway have decided against the agreement now but confused as to how I can be friends and what way we should act as friends.

We both know the break up is for the best but i miss his friendship incredibly. He literally is the other half of me & i cant imagine not having him in my life but should we leave it a while before or just act as I would with other guy friends?

sporina

while you want to be friends - it will not happen while you still have feelings for him. You need to grieve - and dissolve those feelings before you can be friends.
People usually say they wanna be friends just to end it amicably - dont not mean that ye are ready to be friends actively..

Miss Fluff

confused??? wrote: »

We both know the break up is for the best but i miss his friendship incredibly. He literally is the other half of me & i cant imagine not having him in my life but should we leave it a while before or just act as I would with other guy friends?

You HAVE to have a transitional period before you can make a successful go of being friends. There are going to be a lot of residual feelings/memories after 7 years and you can't just turn on a virtual switch which will shift the dyamic from you being a couple to friends overnight. It doesn't work like that.

While it may seem terribly difficult, the very best thing you can do is to actually not see each other/have any contact for a while. Release yourself on the big bad world as a person in your own right. Work on being you again, embrace your single status. ON YOUR OWN. Of course you can be friends with him again and have him in your life, but as an independent human being. And that's something you should allow yourself the time and space to do after being with the one person for so long.

And good work on deciding not to go with the FB option. I can absolutely guarantee you it would wreck your head.