Worried about my social life

Peps

Hi there.

I figured this is probably a common topic on these boards, and usually will receive the same answers the same answers. However, I'm afraid if I continuously tell my few remaining friends how I feel, they'll get extremely annoyed at me. Why? Because I've been feeling like this for ages and it hasn't really changed whatsoever. I figured by talking about it with complete strangers, I might be able to get some non-biased advice and more experienced suggestions.

Firstly, for some background. A few weeks ago, I've broken up with my first girlfriend whom I was with for just over two years (she's 18, I'm 20). To be honest, it was quite sudden. I thought we were both happy, she probably thought she was happy as well I'd imagine, until the night before the breakup, she was talking to a friend of hers, and that friend noted she hasn't said a nice thing about me at all that night. It then snapped to her that she was apparently unhappy in our relationship, and refuses to try and fix the problems. Obviously, this was a heart-breaking disaster for me, and took me a while to get some form of stability back in my life.

It was a long-distance relationship. She lives in Dublin, I live in Athlone. I went to see her every weekend, and stayed over there every weekend. We often went out to town, meet other people, or simply enjoy each other's company while doing whatever activity in the house. We shared a good few hobbies, such as animé and gaming, and shared similar tastes on stuff like films, game genres and whatnot. Neither of us were the going-out or drinking much type either. To be honest, I know it sounds horrible, but I depended on her for a social life. But do let me finish.

Before I met her, I already fell out from a bunch of friends who just insulted me a lot for no reason. So a friend of mine from Wexford, decided to force me to hang out with him, a friend of his, and a girl and some of her friends he met on Bebo, after meeting briefly at Eirtakon (animé convention in Dublin). Naturally, the original aim for me going was to get experience talking to girls. And it did work... somewhat. The girl we were all interested in (namely my ex), was already with someone at the time. She had a bit of interest in me after a few weeks of talking, and when she broke up with that boyfriend (a month or so after me meeting her), we decided to get together.

I do have some friends who are local. Only problem is, they're either working, or at home in another county. In other words, most of the time, I have noone to talk to, or noone to hang out with. Naturally, it's quite depressing. Also, even if I were able to hang out with them, it would seem desperate to constantly go to their place. Seems healthier to try and get a bit of diversity in there. About my personality in general, I'm somewhat shy and I'm absolutely terrible with conversations (I never know what to say). I'm always told I'm a nice and interesting guy by others, but I just don't see it. Even my ex-girlfriend told me I'm awesome, but said she just didn't love me the way she used to.

I'm worried that I'll never make more friends, and that I'll never meet anyone better than my ex-girlfriend, ever. I know what you're thinking, "oh, you'll always think that after a break-up", but trust me, the circumstances are much different (at least in my view anyways). The friends I have are similar to me, in that they don't go out much, or have many people to hang out with. They're also busy with their own girlfriends and/or work/going home. As for meeting girls, nothing like that day out to meet random girls will happen ever again. And if I do happen to meet new girls, most likely they won't be interested in me because I'm dull, I'm small, and I have "different" hobbies. Not to mention, they'd probably be nothing like what I'd be looking for (which my ex matched almost perfectly). I don't see it as a lack of confidence issue. More like it's fact.

I just want to be happy. I want to feel loved again, or at least know there's a chance in the future I will be, and that there's better people out there. I want to have friends whom I can hang out with on a frequent basis who are local. I want to enjoy my life. But at the moment, it just looks it's getting progressively worse. At the moment, I'm terrified of the Easter Holidays, and even more terrified about the Summer. Most likely, most people I know will be working and/or at home in another county, and I'll be lonely, all day, every day. I know what the usual advice is, go to events and clubs, go get a job. But unfortunately, this being Athlone, there's practically nothing, not even in college. =/ And since it's end of semester almost, I definitely can't see the summer going well. Not to mention, I'm not the type who will just get up randomly, and go to the gym or whatever, or to go to a nightclub alone, or to go to the library to meet people, you get the idea. Not saying I wouldn't, it's just not exactly in my nature.

It's nothing to do with the fact I haven't gotten over my ex-girlfriend or anything. It's moreso to do with the fact I'm very lonely. For the past few weekends, the majority of my time was basically on the laptop browsing random stuff on the internet. I just don't have much motivation for anything else really. Even when I was with my ex-girlfriend, I noticed how dull and depressive my life was.

I'm probably ranting a bit at this rate. So any advice? =/ Thanks.

Eve_Dublin

Hey OP, sorry to hear your lonely. Listen, all I'm going to say is that deciding what is in your nature and what is not at 20 years old is a little foolish. Your at a funny age...a transition period between adolescence and adulthood. I know very few 20 year olds who are comfortable in their own skin, even if they come across that way. I would definitely have put myself down as quite shy at your age....9 years later I'm a very different person to what I was then. I think it's fatal deciding to give up on even trying at your age. You've already dismissed the inevitable advice your going to hear from posters regarding getting out there and joining things because it's not in your nature. Yes, some people remain shy their whole lives but shyness is something that can be overcome to a large degree and the only way you'll do that is by putting yourself in situations where you challenge yourself and learn to sink or swim.

To be honest, I think your making excuses for yourself...Athlone, a reasonably big town by Irish standards has NOTHING going on? I find that very hard to believe. Your making excuses to avoid pushing yourself for and in turn, are making your life very difficult for yourself in the long run.

You sound like a very articulate and clever guy...it's all in there but you need practice getting it out and the ONLY way your going to learn social skills is by forcing yourself to socialise. This is really the only advice anyone can give you....you HAVE to stick your neck out because people won't coming knocking on your door looking for your friendship.

Man, you're only 20....so young and so much self-discovery ahead of you but YOU have to make it happen. Don't box yourself off at this stage of your life or you'll miss out. You have enough self-awareness to spot your issue, now you need to sort it out and no one in here can do that for you. There must be something you can throw yourself into heart and soul over the Summer? How hard have you looked really?

Come on OP, be brave and get out there!

LegacyUser

I sympathise. I'm single, most of my friends are in jobs and new social circles in Dublin while I'm in a different city. The few friends that are around have jobs and girlfriends/boyfriends and have also managed to make new friends through work. I am in a course where no-one has any interest in being friends, and none of my course mates make an effort or have much in common with me. I spend an awful lot of time in my room on the net. I'm not really the best for going to clubs or anything by myself, too self conscious. I'm very lonely too.

But what I will say, and this is what I've been telling myself, is that everyone goes through difficult periods like that but something always happens to change it. You say you're not much for drinking or that sort of thing. But maybe if you just make a small bit of an effort to go out once or twice when your friends are in town, you might enjoy it.

Or if possible, organise for them to join you at some animé related events that are on in Dublin or wherever. If that's where you came into contact with your ex, I guarantee you there are more people like her to be met. It just takes time. Don't wallow. I'm trying not to.

For my part, I've been trying to travel up to my Dublin friends when I can afford it so that we don't totally lose contact and so that their new groups are aware of who I am. I'm going to circuit training at my uni gym when I can. Not all the time, but its something that gets me out of the house a bit. I'm also organising more movie nights, etc. so that I can see my friends more.

What I'm saying is that you're not the only one that feels like this, but its temporary. It takes effort to pull yourself out of your rut and try to improve things. College doesn't last forever. There will be new stages in your life. I'm sorry if that feels hollow or if you've heard it all before, but its what I'm telling myself and it's what I've been doing and I think things in my life are improving. Hope that helps in a small way and best of luck.

Firetrap

You sound like a lovely guy who hasn't got a lot of confidence in himself and that's a real shame. The problem is that new friends won't just appear at your doorstep (wouldn't life be so much more simple if they did!). You are right about the internet being a drain at times - how many hours have we wasted away on sites like Boards (sorry :eek:) when we could have been doing more useful things with our lives...

You are going to have to step outside your comfort zone and start being proactive in order to meet new people. I don't blame you for not wanting to go near a pub or a nightclub alone but there surely has to be something in Athlone that you can look into joining. Even if it's not something you'd thought of before, why not broaden your horizons. As someone who's discovered new things I like as I've gotten on a bit, never rule out anything. Tag rugby? (do they do stuff like that out in Buccaneers' ground?), the sub aqua club, indoor football, film club. Are there any local charities looking for volunteers to help out? Any classes running during the summer? Keep an eye on the local papers up there or even the Westmeath forum here on Boards.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Peps

Thanks for the support guys. It does mean a lot to me that people will listen to my problems.

In relation to currently existing friends. They're also like me, and don't go to clubs or drink or anything like that. In their spare time, they're either with their girlfriends, or playing games. I sometimes go over and hang out and play games. It does help depending on my mood. But when they're busy most of the time, it's just a reminder of how lonely I am. Especially now that it's Easter holidays, I definitely won't be able to hang out with them (different counties).

On a related note, it also depresses me even further when my friends all have girlfriends, and me realising that I'll never find anyone for years upon years. To hear that my ex just didn't love me the way she used to, just kicks that confidence down the drain even more. It could be possible I was just being used by her all along for all I know, as she's the lonely type as well (until recently).

I don't mind going to events and whatnot whenever they are held (preferably not going alone anyways). But even at events, I honestly cannot picture myself talking to strangers, even if there's one line of topic. Unfortunately though, there's no animé events until the end of summer anyways, or any gatherings or anything that I'm aware of. Same story with Athlone, as far as I know, there's no "clubs" of people interested in stuff like animé or games who hang out now and then. If they do exist, same in Dublin, it'd be one of those word of mouth things I guess.

As for other activities, if they do exist, they're making it difficult for new people to find them. :P I'm not a very fit person, fairly thin and short. To take up a sport would be the same thing as suicide almost. I'd be much more interested in stuff like animé clubs, or book clubs, or whatever really. But unfortunately, as far as I know, they don't exist in Athlone.

I know it does sound like I'm making up excuses for myself. If I were living in Dublin, it'd be a much simplier matter to meet people I'd imagine (after all, I'd still have the friends I met through my ex who live in Dublin).

I just don't know what to do anymore. Each day feels like it's getting worse. It's only the morning, and it already feels unbearable. =/

Eve_Dublin

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low but listen to me, you're young. You won't realise how young you are 'till you look back on this time. When I was 20 I thought I'd reached my pinnacle of maturity and thought I'd everything sussed . Of course you'll find someone you love and who loves you and I'm guessing it'll happen more than once. I was single at your age and I've been in and out of relationships throughout my whole twenties and I've no regrets, it's been great, lots of fun and a massive learning curve.

Okay, I'm almost 10 years older than you admittedly but I recently started a book club in my area (I live in Spain). I had a look to see if there were any book clubs in English in the city and there were none to suit my schedule, so I stuck an ad up in the local ex pat paper and got 5 or 6 responses from people of a variety of different nationalities and age groups...there's one guy in the group who's your age. We met up a few weeks ago and they were a lovely bunch. We're all booky type people but the real reason were all there is not just because we love books so much but because we want to meet more people...it's the main motivation for people joining clubs and in turn, they're are more open to making new friends...and it's so much easier when you have something in common. I was so nervous that no one would turn up and I'm usually a follower, so I was nervous about leading the group for the first week...but I did it and I'm delighted with myself now. I have my own little book club here in Spain.

If you can't find a club that's suits you, start your own. You don't need any money to start a book club...just put an ad up in the local paper or even on the Boards books and literature section (not sure of exact name of forum) and organise a place to meet (coffee shop?). You can do the same with an animé club...I'm SURE you're not the only fan in your area? I'm all about starting new clubs and groups now after realising how easy it was...wish I didn't wait so long to get started.

OP you sound like an incredibly articulate, intelligent and sensitive fella and I don't mean just for your age. Seriously. You know something? It was always the clever guys and gals who didn't always fit in at school and college that are the most successful, interesting and biggest hit with the ladies/lads at my age and older. I promise you will have your day in the sun. The best years of your life are only beginning and if force yourself to stick your neck out, it will get easier and you'll have fun in the process.

Ruby-J

Peps have you gone onto to meetup.com. they have groups almost everywhere. There are tonnes of things happening and like Eve_Dublin has said if there isnt a group to suit you, start one. You will be amazed the amount of people out there in the same situation looking to meet and make new friends. I myself got involved in a new creative writing group and its a small group but it just took one person to say it and others followed so to speak. I was in a longterm relationship and found i lost a lot of friends and my own interests and hobbies. BIG MISTAKE, but i went and did something about it rather then wallowing in it that im on my own and have no friends and interests anymore. i got back out there and looked for groups, to suit my hobbies that is. And like that if there wasnt any i went about trying to make one or start one. Boards is a great way of meeting people as there are so mant topics and threads. Dont box yourself off, you have so much to give and also to receive. I promise you are not the only person out there with your interests either male or female.

i know easier said then done but stay strong and have some belief in yourself.