Older man...14 year age gap

LegacyUser

I can't believe I'm even asking this as I've responded to a few other poster's posts asking if their particular age difference would be a problem and I always responded no, go for it. Age is just a number and all that but....

met a guy about a month ago...nothing has happened so far but it very nearly did last night when we went out for drinks and it's just a matter of time really except one thing is stopping me....his age. I'm 30 and from my calculations he's about 43. Never asked him straight out but from what he's told me, I'm guessing he's around that age. 13 or 14 year age gap...I don't live in Ireland and neither of us are from the country we live in. He's amazing, kind, cool, clever, liberal minded etc etc. You know the craic. I like him a lot. I told my friends back home, who are a very open-minded bunch normally and I was surprised at their reaction. They reckon he's too old and advised me to avoid. My good friend, who's male, said he'd be an easy lay because he wouldn't believe his luck scoring a girl 14 years younger than him and that I should try for someone who's not so available. Another friend said you'd have to wonder why he's still single at 44. I got a little annoyed with them and they agreed I should do what I want but I'm still shocked that people would react that way. I thought it didn't matter in your 30s.

Honestly guys, if one of your friends was seeing a guy 14 years older, what would you think? I know I shouldn't care what others think but if this is going to be hard work and i'm constantly going to have to defend my case, then I'm not going there. Just want to live my life how I want without being judged. I'd be interested in hearing your views guys. Promise I won't take offence ;-)

Neyite

there was 19 years between my mum and dad - he was mid forties, she was mid twenties. they were lifelong soulmates, until he died a few years ago.

if you care about each other, then whats the problem? i genuinely dont see one. my OH is only a year older than me, but if he was 20 years older i wouldnt care.

there could be any number of reasons why he is still single, maybe he was focused on his career, or just never met the right person. there could be a million reasons.

if you allow peer pressure to influence your decisions instead of listening to yourself, you will always wonder if it 'could' have worked out had you really tried.

go be happy!!

Alessandra

What's the big problem? It's not like you have to marry him! Why don't you go with the flow. Get to know him a bit more and see if his age is something you can overcome. In the meantime enjoy yourself. I'm 24 but I wouldn't necessarily rule out men pushing 40! Nevermind what others say, you don't have to tell them your business or let on exactly how much older this man is. If you have good chemistry then that's all that matters.

NoQuarter

Youngerlady wrote: »

Another friend said you'd have to wonder why he's still single at 44.

Sure if your still single by 30 then you can surely be still single at 44?!

I dont think it matters in your 30's as you said! Go for it!

Agent J

You like him. Thats what counts.

Your friends opinions are just that. Opinions and theirs.

You want to know what age he is and why he is still single? Ask him.

Reeni

I wouldn't worry bout the age gap if you guys like each other. Go for it, sure the worst that could happen is it doesn't work out.

tommyboy2222

He's amazing, kind, cool, clever, liberal minded etc etc. You know the craic. I like him a lot.

Your friends who have never met this guy are telling you he's too old for you ?

It sounds like you like him. Do you need your friends permission ???? At 30 ???

Miss Fluff

It would only be an issue if you were 15 and he was 29. You're both mature adults who obviously like each other. Don't worry about what your friends think/say, if you get together with this guy and he makes you happy, they will see that and the age gap won't even register with them anymore.

LegacyUser

Ehhh....no, don't think I mentioned that I need my friend's permission in my original post so please, less of the patronising tone tommyboy 2222. I told them about him (not asking their permission) and they commented he was too old and that might cause problems out of genuine concern for me (having children could be a problem...I want them, he might not). They don't live in the same country, but I do respect their opinion as they're my friends who have always looked out for me. Perhaps they can foresee problems I'm probably blind to because I like him so much. I don't know....I just don't want unnecessary drama in my life.

wylo

Youngerlady wrote: »

I like him a lot. I told my friends back home, who are a very open-minded bunch normally and I was surprised at their reaction. They reckon he's too old and advised me to avoid. My good friend, who's male, said he'd be an easy lay because he wouldn't believe his luck scoring a girl 14 years younger than him and that I should try for someone who's not so available. Another friend said you'd have to wonder why he's still single at 44.

Im surprised at your friends reaction , given theyre open minded, especially the last one there. Its an extremely judgemental thing to say.

Anyway, heres what I think, from your thread title, I was thinking "woh 14 years is quite a bit," then I read your thread and realised your circumstance, you are 30 now, its not like your 18, at your age , even with that gap you will still want the same things in life, so if you really do like him go for it.
Your friends will get used to it VERY quickly.

Barracudaincork

There is an old saying:

"Better to be an old mans darling,
than a young mans slave"

Actual age is just a number on your birthcert, mental age is another thing entirely and as you guys have clicked, Id say go for it!!!!

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

Im surprised at your friends reaction , given theyre open minded, especially the last one there. Its an extremely judgemental thing to say.

Anyway, heres what I think, from your thread title, I was thinking "woh 14 years is quite a bit, then I read your thread and realised your circumstance, you are 30 now, its not like your 18, at your age , even with that gap you will still want the same things in life, so if you really do like him go for it.
Your friends will get used to it VERY quickly.

I was surprised at their reaction too and a little peed off but honestly, I've a habit of picking the wrong man and they were concerned. My friends aren't the catty, bitchy kind...I think they got a shock when I told them. My friend who made the comment about "you'd wonder why he's single at 44" was SEMI joking and he's a few years younger than me and I what he actually meant was perhaps he's settled in his ways and is not open to a relationship as he might be if he was younger. He has a point....do you think this might be the case to some extent?

I really don't know how the mind of a 44 year old man works. I know he's very self-sufficient and is very happy in his own company doing his own thing (he's a musician) but he is definitely pursuing me.

wellies

Why worry about what other people think! You obviously like the guy and he likes you. Age doesn't come into it.
Go out with him, enjoy each other's company. Life is too short.
I know a girl who was living with a guy and she met another fellow by accident. Two months later she ditched her bf for the new guy and they are very happy. He is 15 years older than her.
So, go for it. You don't need your friends' permission to live your life your way.

wylo

wellies wrote: »

I know a girl who was living with a guy and she met another fellow by accident. Two months later she ditched her bf for the new guy and they are very happy. He is 15 years older than her.
way.

how long have they been together now?

katie99

They are together 9 months and are very happy. I've never seen her so happy and relaxed.

LegacyUser

I'm 30 and my husband is 44. Age has never been a problem for us.

cafecolour

I don't think there's any problem with the age gap. Different people hit different life periods at different ages.

I think a concern about "why is he still single at 44" might be more whether he's a lifelong commitment-phobe. Ie if he actually wants to settle down if he meets the right girl, or if he's happy enough dating someone for a while and then moving on if they get too close. It could be either way - he could be getting tired of being single, or he could be happy as, only you will be able to tell.

MJ23

heard on the radio that anything inside a half plus 7 is okay
Him 40, her 27, half plus 7

jimmycrackcorm

If two people are compatible and enjoy each others company then I don't see why an artificial barrier such as age would come into it. I don't think there is a huge gap in maturity levels between someone in their thirites and someone in their forties.

Emme

Don't mind your friends. Maybe they're jealous deep down - I think you're very lucky. If you and he get on the age gap shouldn't matter and to be honest the relationship between you (30) and him (44) probably has a better chance of working out than if you were both 30 or 44. A 30 year old man might not want to settle as much as a 30 year old woman, and if a 44 year old man wants a family a 44 year old woman wouldn't be a good choice for him.

I can't understand your friends attitude actually, that sort of age gap between the man and woman is very common in Ireland.

Good luck.

KillerKity

You're 30 OP! You well able to make up your own mind and by this stage in your life you know yourself and what you want. Trust your own judgement and give it a go! Mentally if this guy is on par with you then why the hell not!

Novella

I don't think that's a major age gap at all. If someone makes you happy and your life just kind of works with theirs, you have the same views on things like marriage and kids etc., I don't see why it wouldn't work out in the long-term.

we'llallhavetea_old

14 yrs is not that big of a gap really. i think should just go with the flow and see what happens. i don't see any problem as long as he makes you happy

good luck op

Zaph

I'm 42, my girlfriend is 24, and as I've posted elsewhere, age is completely irrelevant as long as both parties are happy in the relationship, the age difference doesn't bother them and, most importantly, they both have the same aspirations and plans for the future. I know couples much closer in age who have struggled with their relationship because there's a complete disparity between what each of them want in the future, whether that's kids, careers, travelling, whatever. I've been lucky enough to meet someone who shares the same hopes and dreams as I do, the fact that she's significantly younger than me has never been an issue as a result.

Stu

I think it could be a good thing dating an older man especially as a 30 year old women. I read somewhere that most men are at their most maternal around 40 and are mature enough and want children and are ready for the responsibility.

A lot of women around the age of thirty would be thinking along the same lines as a 44 year old man. A lot of 30 year old men are still in the mindset of living the carefree lifestyle and just enjoying themselves.

I'm a 32 year old man and just don't want children yet. I don't think i'll be ready for another 5 years because there is still lots i want to do. I know that some of my mates think exactly the same way and those that are married and have kids wish they'd waited a bit longer especially as they had children in their 20's and weren't really financially secure.

Its not just about having children though. Its really about having the same aspirations and generally being on the same page. If the chemistry is there then go for it.

rbag

Hi - I went through something similiar when I met someone 16 years older than me (I'm in my early thirties) recently - we're dating now.

We are getting on really well now and I'm glad that I didn't pay too much attention to the age difference.

I want to have kids at some point and we did have that talk quite early (after a month) - and he wants children.


It's nice to get opinons from other people, but

Age is irrevelant at the end of the day - go for it.. life's too short...

LegacyUser

Just to say,I'm not getting permission for going ahead with this...I'm independent to the extreme and have always done what I wanted to do regardless of what others thought but I guess I've made so many wrong choices with men in the past that I don't trust my own judgement anymore and I really do value my friends' opinion. They're great friends and always have been...have always had my best interests at heart and have never spoken out against any one I've seen before....I just wanted to see if their remarks were justified to some extent, so thanks everyone for giving me your stories and setting me straight. This man is lovely and we're most definitely on the same wave length..the only thing I'm about worried about is if he's so settled in his ways (which I know he is), that he'll only be open to something casual, which is not what I'm looking for at my age. None of you can advice me on that, I guess but thanks for your words of support and for being so open-minded.

Emme

youngerlady wrote: »

the only thing I'm about worried about is if he's so settled in his ways (which I know he is), that he'll only be open to something casual, which is not what I'm looking for at my age. None of you can advice me on that, I guess but thanks for your words of support and for being so open-minded.

How long have you been together? I would think he is definitely interested in you. Men of that age rarely stay after one or two dates if they're not interested, they just move on to the next woman because at that age it's very easy for men to get women.

The fact that you're still young enough to have children is a big plus. A man in his 40s is more likely to want to date a much younger woman than a woman his own age.

That's not the point, if you get on well and things are going well that's a good sign. If that continues I think you'll be together for a long time. Good luck.

rbag

I totally agree with Emme... the fact that you are young enough to have children will be an added plus - however don't be afraid to have a chat with him early on about aspirations like that either.

Best of luck.

Liam Byrne

Youngerlady wrote: »

My good friend, who's male, said he'd be an easy lay because he wouldn't believe his luck scoring a girl 14 years younger than him and that I should try for someone who's not so available. Another friend said you'd have to wonder why he's still single at 44.

Sounds like a really narrow-minded bunch!

The "older man" you're talking about could be me in a few years' time, and I'd much prefer to be single than to be with the wrong woman.

I'd also have a bit more self-respect than to take whatever was going; if I were sceptical, I'd nearly suggest that your "good friend, who's male" has a soft spot for you and is trying to make you look in your own age group for that reason.

If you like him and fancy him, and vice-versa, then go for it.

Whether it lasts a week, a month, a year or forever, if it makes you happy then there's nothing wrong with it.

SarahSassy

If you do want a family just be sure that he would be willing to go down that route in his mid forties.. A lot wouldnt. Also, if he says he is not sure, give him a timescale to decide in and if he doesnt after that then move on and find someone who does..

The age gap doesnt matter.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

If you do want a family just be sure that he would be willing to go down that route in his mid forties.. A lot wouldnt. Also, if he says he is not sure, give him a timescale to decide in and if he doesnt after that then move on and find someone who does..

The age gap doesnt matter.

i have been with my OH for over ten years now and we have 2 kids 6 and 5yrs. there is a 15 year age gap and at first all her "friends" told her it wouldnt work but we are still together and expecting a third child, so her pals were wrong.
if you want to give it a try go ahead and never mind what others think.
as for the quote who said anything about marriage kids etc. she is just getting to know him for gods sake give her a chance BTW i'm 45 OH is 30