No interest in marriage or kids?

jake la motta

Hi. I'm a thirty year old male. A couple of my mates are younger than me, early to late twenties and a couple are older, early to mid thirties.

One of my mates mates in his twenties has a baby girl with his girlfriend and my other younger mates girlfriend recently had a miscarriage but they will be trying again soon and marriage seems to be on the horizon for both if the talk down the pub is anything to go by.

It just seems all my mates, relatives and co-workers start to plan for marriage and kids in and around the thirty year mark but I seem to have no interest at all.

I feel I will could easily go another ten to fifteen years before I even consider it, is this normal for a lot of men or do I need to grow up?

I'm mature and responsible enough, I have a mortgage and a steady job, I do drink every Saturday night but I'm not the usual rowdy drunk scumbag you see our streets plagued with. I have my pints and fun and then I go home.

Been told I'm relatively good looking (8/10 I usually get) and I look mid twenties rather than thirty. I like watching the footy, I eat healthy and exercise a lot (cardio and weights) so I'm very lean and athletic so I do my own thing a lot, runs swim and gym and the Saturday out with the lads is a non debate, it has to happen, I go stir crazy if I don't go out and blow off some steam. I haven't missed a Saturday night out in years.

All of my ex girlfriends have said to me at one stage or another "do you even want a girlfriend" they tell me I come across as I could go without them, don't get me wrong, I treat them well, never cheat, have remained good friends with most of them and none of them would consider me a cheating/lying ****er etc...........but they all do say they get the sense "I go off the relationship quickly" which I think is true.

I do like my own space and tell girls this at the start of every relationship. I have them stay over about four nights a week but thats usually it. I need at least three nights on my own, although one of my mates is renting from me so I'm not totally alone in the house and even he, who is 24 says he would love to be settled down with a kid now and hopes to be before he hits the thirty year mark. Have never lived with a girl and don't think I could handle it.

Am I just one of those people who will happily go childless and wifeless their whole lives? because right now marriage and kids have zero appeal for me.

Maybe I haven't meet the right woman but I'm not even worried about this, I could honestly see myself happily remaining unmarried and childless for another fifteen years.

Are there any other men or even women out there that feel the same way I do or is everyone else around the thirty mark planning for kids and marriage?

iguana

You don't sound like you are in a relationship, so why would you be thinking of getting married? You marry somebody because you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them as their legal family. If you haven't met somebody who you feel like this about then you shouldn't be thinking of marriage. It might seem like it is to a casual observer, but it's not a rite of passage that you must do at a certain point.

As for having children there is only one reason in the whole world that anybody should ever decide to have children, and that is because you really, really, really want them. To have a child is to create a brand new person with a huge amount of needs and wants, it's a phenomenal responsibility. Unless you desperately want to take that on, you shouldn't choose to.

If you are happy being childfree and single then that's what you should be, aged 30 or 80.

iptba

I'm not sure if it's relevant but there are some people who could be classed as asexual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual .

Mezcita

iptba wrote: »

I'm not sure if it's relevant but there are some people who could be classed as asexual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual .

Yeah you're right, that's totally irrelevant.

OP I say fair play. If you're happy in your own skin and doing your own thing, there's nothing wrong with that.

I know plenty of guys and gals who got married young and have since started fooling around or have split up with their other halves. Iguana makes a good point though. The whole marriage and babies idea should not really be considered unless you really love the girl.

We live in a world where the expectation is that we will all settle down and raise babies. There's nothing wrong with you not considering that at the moment. The difference is that unlike the ladies, blokes can get away with being single into their 30's and beyond.

jake la motta

I am in a realationship actually, care about the girl and all that but could never see myself asking her to move in let alone anything more serious. My whole point with the post is that there seems to be a certain age people start to think and plan for marriage/kids and its around the thirty early thirties mark.

Friends of mine say you dont want to be to old having kids and your not getting any younger and should hold onto women rather than being so casual with them.

Iguana makes a good point about how it shouldnt be on your mind unless you are in a realationship but thats the point, I am and its not an option now or in the next decade but everyone else seems to be timing it so they dont do it in their forties but now.

I know there is no right age to do this, its when your ready really and of course I would never have kids or get married just for the sake of it but it seems the majority of people feel the thirties is a good age to start, not too young and you wont be told old when the kids are grown up.

Its just none of these urges are there, I cant see it in the future or ever. Was wondering really are there any people out there with the same feelings or fears?................

..............people that are pushing on and all around seem to be setteling down but they have no plan on doing so but maybe a little worried they will leave it too late and miss the boat and nobody wants to end up a lone dove.

As for this

Originally Posted by iptba
I'm not sure if it's relevant but there are some people who could be classed as asexual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual .

no idea where that came from and yes its totally irrelevant to this topic.

L31mr0d

OP, in your social circle do you have a lot of relatives? I mean are your parents still alive, and do you see them as well as your siblings frequently? Do you live in close proximity to your original nuclear family and even your extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins... etc)?

Wibbs

I'd be the same as the OP and Ive got 12 years on him. Once or twice I was deeply in love and I felt like "maybe", but looking back Im glad I didnt. The norm of course would be fall in love, get engaged, married and have kids and that's cool and well done if you can make it work. I used to think it was cynicism and that would be part of it, but not all of it. I just seem to be outside the norm on this score. Seems to be a nature or nurture thing too. The men in my family marry late more often than not.

The majority of my mates my own age are married with kids, so I see their lives and again fine, but it just doesnt fit with me at all. One of my ideas of hell would be an evening spent with married couples with a wife in tow. Maybe Im just anti social! With the advantages of companionship and all that stuff also comes that low level bickering that seems to be endemic to most long term couples. They dont even see it themselves for the most part. IMHO the norm of long termers is not for good partner choices. Too many jump for horniness, chemistry, circumstantial and social reasons than for objective ones. And yes I think I can be objective at this stage. I've learned to switch off the "love" part and look at the person.

I suppose to take up Iguana's angle, if I was really in love then yes I would go that route, but I am way more fussy about what love means and emotionally independent than I see others being.

Wibbs

PS you could argue that these days the reasons for attaching long term are less strong than they once were. Sex is easy enough to get and companionship can be covered by more social avenues than before, so unless you want children you dont need the construct of marriage. Even there you can still have kids and not be with the other person. More so for men choice wise, but the reasons for being "tied into" marriage are a lot less.

Tail Wagger

jake la motta wrote: »

Hi. I'm a thirty year old male. A couple of my mates are younger than me, early to late twenties and a couple are older, early to mid thirties.

One of my mates mates in his twenties has a baby girl with his girlfriend and my other younger mates girlfriend recently had a miscarriage but they will be trying again soon and marriage seems to be on the horizon for both if the talk down the pub is anything to go by.

It just seems all my mates, relatives and co-workers start to plan for marriage and kids in and around the thirty year mark but I seem to have no interest at all.

I feel I will could easily go another ten to fifteen years before I even consider it, is this normal for a lot of men or do I need to grow up?

I'm mature and responsible enough, I have a mortgage and a steady job, I do drink every Saturday night but I'm not the usual rowdy drunk scumbag you see our streets plagued with. I have my pints and fun and then I go home.

Been told I'm relatively good looking (8/10 I usually get) and I look mid twenties rather than thirty. I like watching the footy, I eat healthy and exercise a lot (cardio and weights) so I'm very lean and athletic so I do my own thing a lot, runs swim and gym and the Saturday out with the lads is a non debate, it has to happen, I go stir crazy if I don't go out and blow off some steam. I haven't missed a Saturday night out in years.

All of my ex girlfriends have said to me at one stage or another "do you even want a girlfriend" they tell me I come across as I could go without them, don't get me wrong, I treat them well, never cheat, have remained good friends with most of them and none of them would consider me a cheating/lying ****er etc...........but they all do say they get the sense "I go off the relationship quickly" which I think is true.

I do like my own space and tell girls this at the start of every relationship. I have them stay over about four nights a week but thats usually it. I need at least three nights on my own, although one of my mates is renting from me so I'm not totally alone in the house and even he, who is 24 says he would love to be settled down with a kid now and hopes to be before he hits the thirty year mark. Have never lived with a girl and don't think I could handle it.

Am I just one of those people who will happily go childless and wifeless their whole lives? because right now marriage and kids have zero appeal for me.

Maybe I haven't meet the right woman but I'm not even worried about this, I could honestly see myself happily remaining unmarried and childless for another fifteen years.

Are there any other men or even women out there that feel the same way I do or is everyone else around the thirty mark planning for kids and marriage?

you should post this on Web Dating, all the women will be getting in touch with you, especially when they see you have a home and a job..

3hn2givr7mx1sc

I'm a teenager, and tbh I can't see myself being able to live without a wife and children. I'd get lonely.:o

jake la motta

OP, in your social circle do you have a lot of relatives? I mean are your parents still alive, and do you see them as well as your siblings frequently? Do you live in close proximity to your original nuclear family and even your extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins... etc)?

Not really, I see the odd cousin now and again at family events, for instance my mothers 60th birthday a couple of months ago I saw two of my younger cousins both female with one kid each, my older male cousins have a couple of kids at this stage.

Yes both my parents are still alive, I drop over to the house occasionally but I wouldnt stay long, I live about 15 miles away from them. As for my sibling I'd only see them at family functions or if I bumped into them out on the town.

I guess I fit some typical male profile here, the loner type or something but I would say were not really a close family.

MBW

You say :- "I am in a realationship actually, care about the girl and all that but could never see myself asking her to move in let alone anything more serious."

Is your present girlfriend aware that you don't see your relationship progressing any further?

Wibbs

jake la motta wrote: »

I guess I fit some typical male profile here, the loner type or something but I would say were not really a close family.

Might be something to that. I'd be similar. Not a close extended family at all. Rarely see them unless its a funeral Only child as well. Immediate family close alright. So yea maybe not growing up with the "family" thing compared to others could have left me out of the loop on the whole "I want to repeat what I see"? I would have a lot of friends of both genders that kinda replaced that in my life.


So thinking on this, in my case anyway, being emotionally independent from an early age, choosing relationships outside the narrow definition of family, not having great expectations of love due to experience(mine and others) and not wanting kids, I can see why I never bought into the fall in love get married have kids thing. I have fallen in love, but less than most my age, so maybe that plays a part too.

The funny thing is I am the very first person people I know go to with relationship/love issues. That would be one of my social roles. Maybe its actually because Im more outside it people reckon I'll give a more objective opinion? I will say I woudnt take love or relationship advice from someone in love or in the first 3 years of a relationship. They're rarely capable of objectivity.

MBW wrote:

Is your present girlfriend aware that you don't see your relationship progressing any further?

That's defo a consideration, if you feel like that. Most people want the long term commitment marriage family kids* thing. I would say that goes double for women. More men will stay in a relationship stage. The "we're together, I love you, why think ahead" status quo thing. So if the GF has mentioned really long term, its not fair to her to let her think youre on the same page. IME when the initial stages are passed, more women than men think practically of the long term. Ive split with two women in my past for this very reason. I was right too, as I was never gonna marry them. Both are now long termered up and one is hitched and Im happy for them.



*Though the kids thing varies with age even among the ladies. Women I've known who swore they didnt want kids at 24 wanted them at 34, while others remained the same. More the former though.

jake la motta

Originally Posted by MBW
Is your present girlfriend aware that you don't see your relationship progressing any further?

Yes and I usually mention this at some stage during a realationship, a few months in usually, the current has no interest in kids either so it doenst bother her but with women a couple of years could see a big change in this attitude in comparrison to a man.

My last girlfriend used to say mid thirties was the deadline for kids and she used to say it bugged her I didnt want any of those things but it wasnt a realatoinship ender. She used to ask if I didnt want marriage where did I see us going? I said "dont take it personally, I couldnt see myself marrying anybody" and it never turned into a cause of arguments or anything but she casually mentioned it about three times.

Snowie

the only thing i fear is the hole going for dinner, and talking about hoildays :eek: and foot ball and talking about other people and well just.... it all seems a little boreing.. not that my friends are boreing.. but ummmmm yeah i woul possibly get married but id rrather it mean something then nothing....

sam34

op, i am your female equivalent!

the whole married-bliss-and-kids thing just really really isnt for me

i've pretty much always known this

in the past, i've therefore chosen relationships where, for various reasons, "forever after" was not on the cards

my attitude has been something thats been subjected to criticism, questioning and ridicule from others at times

it seems those who dont sheepishly comply with the relationship and kids thing are thought of as odd or in need of some direction in life

i have always known i am not interested in having kids, and i know that will never change

there are a variety of reasons behind that, too many to go into now

re relationships, like yourself, i enjoy some aspects of them, but having said that i need my independence, my time and space

i cannot imagine living with someone and having someone around 24/7, that to me is just smothering and oppressive

(i know for some people that its all tehy ever wanted, but thats my opinion)

i've been lucky enough to find a man who shares my view, who doesnt want teh 24/7 thing either, who doesnt want kids, so i'm very fortunate

dont worry about other people's opinions - if you dont want to marry and have kids, then dont. it'd be crazy to do it just because most people do so, or expect you to do so

Snowie

hey sam34 I know a girl like you and she whe went travelling for a year and then we where chating last weekend she turned round and said she wants kids... At which point I told her i felt uncomfortable about the conversation and asked could we change it....

but I know one other girl whos like that shes got tons of independence... Or just is happy on her own kinda thing.. I dont question it really I think its cool... plus being on your own gives you time to your self living with soem one day in day out i dont think its healthy....

actually this has given me an idea, that if im ever married i mayget my self a small aprament so i can have a days peace and she can too kinda like a day of from each other... i think that could be healthy...

CDfm

I have kids but kids were never a make or break for me and I would probably have been very happy in a relationship without kids.

Darlughda

jake la motta wrote: »

I feel I will could easily go another ten to fifteen years before I even consider it, is this normal for a lot of men or do I need to grow up?

Are there any other men or even women out there that feel the same way I do or is everyone else around the thirty mark planning for kids and marriage?

What is normal, Jake, this is a kind of the crux of the problem for me:when folk seek to be 'normal'.
We are all vastly different individuals from each other, each with our own needs, desires and lifeplans. Do you mean normal like fitting into 'society'. Well, good luck to you if so. Never been my cup of tea. And in my experience, people who try to fit in to what is just not right for them end up really in a sorry situation for themselves.

Loads of men and women feel as you do re: kids and marriage. Seek out those who are like you.

iguana wrote: »

As for having children there is only one reason in the whole world that anybody should ever decide to have children, and that is because you really, really, really want them. To have a child is to create a brand new person with a huge amount of needs and wants, it's a phenomenal responsibility. Unless you desperately want to take that on, you shouldn't choose to.

Spot on. Fantastic advice, Iguana. Loneliness, not knowing what else to do, and doing what everyone else in society does is a shameful excuse to embark on bringing new life into the world.

sam34 wrote: »

my attitude has been something thats been subjected to criticism, questioning and ridicule from others at times

it seems those who dont sheepishly comply with the relationship and kids thing are thought of as odd or in need of some direction in life

i have always known i am not interested in having kids, and i know that will never change

there are a variety of reasons behind that, too many to go into now

Like Sam34, I will never have kids and know for reasons that will never change, do I want love and a great relationship-hell yes! But not some emotionally suffocating inter-dependent expected thing of me for my age, gender or status in life.

Make your own road, OP, and quit worrying about being 'normal'!

iptba

I think at least some men who are married with kids didn’t particular plan/wish that this is how their life would turn out.

Of course, when it happens they have to make the best of it but it wasn’t necessarily their first choice.

foxyboxer

i'm approaching 30 this year.
I want a woman but not the kids. :pac:

If I meet someone who feels the same. Great.
If I don't meet someone, I don't care.

I see people who are married and live an inert life. Everything is about the kids.
That life is not for me. Never will be.

Rearing a kid/kids is expensive!
Call me shallow, but i'd rather take care of my immediate family first, and make sure they're ok.

Anyway, there's more than enough people in the world already

L31mr0d

jake la motta wrote: »

I guess I fit some typical male profile here, the loner type or something but I would say were not really a close family.

Well I was asking for two reasons really.

1. If you had a present frequent and close relationship with your relatives you may have no need for your own family

2. If you never really where close to your immediate family growing up you may not be aware of what is missing.

My family growing up was very close. There was 5 of us in a relatively small house (in comparison, I'm in an apartment now that would be larger than it, just with my OH) we where constantly rubbing shoulders. But it was good. I still have a very close relationship with my parents and see them weekly to catch up.

This whole low level bickering, boring meals with other couples... etc, is a stereotype. I've experienced none of that and hate dinner parties with a passion.

I met my present OH over a decade ago when I was young, we dated long distance (the span of an Ocean) for 8 years then got married. We have been married for nearly 5 years now. I've never regretted it or longed for the single life since.

Not only do I appreciate my OH as an equal companion, she is also a muse and a constant grounding reflection for my ideas, ideals and opinions. Not even with my family or my closest friends have I experienced the level of honesty and openness that I have with my OH.

AARRRRGH

OP the amount of people ive heard saying exactly what you have, including myself is unreal.


Much like other things in life ...

Owning a car.
Owning your own house.
Going on a J1 or to Oz for a year.
The list goes on ....

Getting married and having kids is -
If you have no need of it now, Its something you wont understand until you are in a situation where it makes sense. Then it will all become clear.

KnifeWRENCH

Ok I'm only 20, so I don't know if my opinion will count for anything, but I already know that I never want to have kids. It's assumed that everyone is going to have them at some point, and that there's something "wrong" with anyone who doesn't have that parental instinct. The thought of being a father, even in 10 or 20 years time, is an absolute nightmare tbh. People will tell me I'm too young to know and I'll change when I'm older but I can safely say that'll never happen. I wouldn't rule out ever getting married, but only if I met the right person.

Anyway, you should only have children if you want to have children. Same with getting married. Just because society has expectations doesn't mean you should blindly follow through with them. You have no desire for a wife and kids - so what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

Like you said yourself:

I could honestly see myself happily remaining unmarried and childless for another fifteen years.

As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Just continue enjoying your life and don't worry about what other guys your age are doing.

pickarooney

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

Ok I'm only 20, so I don't know if my opinion will count for anything, but I already know that I never want to have kids.

In fairness, about 80% of the things you 'know' at 20 are things you no longer 'know' at 40.

The whole kids thing just did not appeal to me at all throughout my 20s. I wasn't repelled by the idea but there was so much else that I wanted to do with my life. Then I did half of it and concluded that most of the rest of the stuff I didn't really want to do or I'd have done it already. Didn't really plan on having kids as such, but it happened and was the best thing ever. Corny as that sounds.

sam34

pickarooney wrote: »

In fairness, about 80% of the things you 'know' at 20 are things you no longer 'know' at 40.

The whole kids thing just did not appeal to me at all throughout my 20s. I wasn't repelled by the idea but there was so much else that I wanted to do with my life. Then I did half of it and concluded that most of the rest of the stuff I didn't really want to do or I'd have done it already. Didn't really plan on having kids as such, but it happened and was the best thing ever. Corny as that sounds.

just because you changed your mind about a decision, doesnt mean you can generalise that to everyone

Wibbs

L31mr0d wrote: »

1. If you had a present frequent and close relationship with your relatives you may have no need for your own family

2. If you never really where close to your immediate family growing up you may not be aware of what is missing.

I would agree as I would be more that description. Though I wouldnt describe it as missing in a sad way, more what you're used to or the underlying personality . EG my idea of hell would be what you describe as something great for you. IE living that shoulder to shoulder close with a bunch of others. I'd go postal very quickly. I suppose because yes I would be "missing" my own time and space. I get on fine with one person, but even there I really need my space. I once went out with a really nice woman, but she had that kind of family thing going on and it wrecked my head. No way would we have lasted. We both needed different people and thats fine too.

This whole low level bickering, boring meals with other couples... etc, is a stereotype. I've experienced none of that and hate dinner parties with a passion.

Again I see it a lot. Maybe because of viewpoint. What I see as bickering is just the ebb and flow of certain relationships, something Im not used to? I do think its more than that though. Objectively I would say few enough long termers are particularly healthy. Fewer than many think anyway. And I do see a lot of that low level guff going on. Then again may be my stubborn independent streak. I cant abide that thing some women do, the treat the guy as something to be "fixed up". Instant walking orders. Other guys seem to have a much higher threshold and fair enough. probably healthier.

I met my present OH over a decade ago when I was young, we dated long distance (the span of an Ocean) for 8 years then got married. We have been married for nearly 5 years now. I've never regretted it or longed for the single life since.

I think too that's both upbringing and personality. Some people are very monogamous, others arent. Some get emotionally bored very quickly some don't. Plus I think some just get lucky with the right partner that is the same way as them. Yes with the millions in the world you could argue its not luck, but I dont quite buy that. There is some luck involved IMHO. Considering with all the couples we've all known few enough go the distance and among those that do too many are not that great. Where divorce is easy the rates can almost hit 50% and these are couples that have decided they're good enough together to get married so they've passed a lot of the earlier tests. Of the 50% left? We all know marriages that have stayed together even though they're a war zone. So luck(and hard work) on both sides is a requirement.

I would also say some change over time. I would have been (even with my background, much more the monogamous long term one person guy in the past(though never wanted kids). Only really fell in love twice in my life. Not exactly a one woman to the next horndog/serial romantic at all . Unlike you I didnt get lucky with my choices though. I reckon if I had found someone equally solid, loving, loyal and unselfish as you have, I may well have been saying the same as you today.

So cos of how I was, when they did end, the shock was maybe bigger than some less "serial romantic" types? Like in your case, can you imagine she left you say 5 years ago? Its almost outside the realms of belief for you(and her) I suspect. Imagine the shock if heaven forbid that had happened. I suspect looking back, though I didnt see it at the time, emotional shock kinda reset my mechanism I think and my emotional boredom threshold is a lot lower than it was. Im very different to how I was that much I know. Ahh the cynicism of the ex romantic, the worst kind.

Not only do I appreciate my OH as an equal companion, she is also a muse and a constant grounding reflection for my ideas, ideals and opinions. Not even with my family or my closest friends have I experienced the level of honesty and openness that I have with my OH.

As I say you're very lucky as is your OH. IME luckier than most especially after this length of time. Kudos.

sam34 wrote:

just because you changed your mind about a decision, doesnt mean you can generalise that to everyone

Agreed. Ive known men and women who feel the same at 50 as they did at 20 about such things as children and marriage. Its just the way they are. Yes people do and can change. I have, but the other direction I suppose but I could change back next week. Doesnt mean I will, nor does it mean others will.

augustus gloop

the ovb thing is that everyone is different.... but OP you sound like me in alot of ways, women come and go, but i cannot see myself changing my lifestyle enough to allow a woman in, sorry if it sounds selfish, i have recently being seeing a nice girl, but i find the whole thing of having to discuss weekend plans with her a bother, normally i am the type who could head off anywhere with the lads, depending what ryanair had goin cheap, i think alot of 25-34 yr olds are in the same boat, seems to be a celtic tiger occurance also:mad:

Bottle_of_Smoke

Having kids in the future is important to me. Funnily enough more important that marriage. Actually sometimes think being a single parent with sole custody of the children would be ideal, though have a feeling that in reality that wouldn't be so great.

I just have a feeling that in my last few decades I'd be fairly miserable knowing I didn't have biological offspring. I also think my parents would like to have grandchildren.

iptba

L31mr0d wrote: »

1. If you had a present frequent and close relationship with your relatives you may have no need for your own family

It is interesting about the "need" for a family. I knew a guy who was an "orphan" by the end of college (he did have older brothers and sisters). I happened to mention this at some stage to my mum and she told me she reckoned he'd get married relatively quickly. I lost touch with him but it did seem plausible.

Bottle of Smoke wrote:

Having kids in the future is important to me. Funnily enough more important that marriage. Actually sometimes think being a single parent with sole custody of the children would be ideal, though have a feeling that in reality that wouldn't be so great.

I just have a feeling that in my last few decades I'd be fairly miserable knowing I didn't have biological offspring. I also think my parents would like to have grandchildren.

Are you male or female? Just curious. (It's a pity boards doesn't show this - I have been on other sites that had it). I don't know if I'm selfish but personally I never let what my parents' preferences might be enter my head. Anyway they have some now from other siblings so any pressure is off!

Bottle_of_Smoke

iptba wrote: »

Are you male or female? Just curious. (It's a pity boards doesn't show this - I have been on other sites that had it). I don't know if I'm selfish but personally I never let what my parents' preferences might be enter my head. Anyway they have some now from other siblings so any pressure is off!

Male. I'd be the same as you on most issues. If they didn't like a girlfriend for example it wouldn't make me consider splitting with her. Also its not a main factor.

CDfm

augustus gloop wrote: »

sorry if it sounds selfish, i have recently being seeing a nice girl............. i think alot of 25-34 yr olds are in the same boat, seems to be a celtic tiger occurance also:mad:

AG I dont think you are selfish -I think the Irish male is growing up and becoming more assertive.

I have been posting in a thread in PI called "is my OH mean " and the thought occured that lots of women expect men to want the same things they want and this isnt always so.

Lots of women want to be their mammy's and lots of guys dont want to be their dads.

fairycakes

Hi Jake I am 29 female here I feel the same altough I don't have the option to have kids at 45 (well you could but its dangerous!) so there is a bit more pressure on women to settle down if you like before its too late!!

I wouldnt worry about it I reackon you just haven't met the right girl yet and just because everyone around you is at that stage doesnt mean you have to jump on that bandwagon lots of men your age feel the same!
Cheers FC

Wibbs

CDfm wrote: »

AG I dont think you are selfish -I think the Irish male is growing up and becoming more assertive.

I have been posting in a thread in PI called "is my OH mean " and the thought occured that lots of women expect men to want the same things they want and this isnt always so.

Lots of women want to be their mammy's and lots of guys dont want to be their dads.

Good way to put it and I would agree. For some men they've a lot less pressure on them to "settle down" than there would have been 30 years ago.

Dave!

Dunno if it's been mentioned before OP (I only read the first few posts), but what happens when the other lads have pregnant wives or when the children are born, and they stop going out on Saturday night?

My mates haven't started that yet (only in the early twenties), but just from looking at my brother (32) and another family friend (30), they've both had babies in the last year and now pretty much never go out. I'm sure alot of people can 'juggle' a family and a social life, but it's quite likely that one will suffer, and it's usually the social life.

So if it ends up like that and the lads all start dropping out, will you still be able to maintain the life that you currently enjoy?

I have a mate (25) who is of the same opinion as yourself, but probably moreso -- he says he never wants kids, ever. He'd settle down with a missus, but just no kids ever. His most recently relationship ended a few months ago for just that reason.

Personally I certainly want to settle down with a family -- a large one, too ! -- eventually, probably when I'm in the late 20's.

I just have to find a willing mate to take my load and bear my childers

CDfm

Hiya Dave!

Now thats great if thats what you want from life.

There are lots of guys whose own needs are put after those of their wives and family and dont have a buzz in their lives.

I have a friend who used to work in a bank 10 years ago and is a professional musician. His ex (a teacher) didn't want to marry a musician and he was fairly miserable where he worked.

Malari

Dave! wrote: »

So if it ends up like that and the lads all start dropping out, will you still be able to maintain the life that you currently enjoy?

That's interesting. My boyfriend has a buddy who is in his early 40s and never really stopped doing the drinking/clubbing every weekend thing, that they both started in their early 20s. Gradually most of the guys in the group started getting serious about relationships/married/kids/buying houses in the stix! Now yer man is still going out every weekend but his group of friends has got younger and younger. He's 10-15 years older than most of them

Nothing wrong with that lifestyle if you like it, but I think most people grow past that stage and it's hard to sustain with the same friends. Hence the old "his girlfriend/wife won't let him go out anymore" excuse :rolleyes:

Wibbs

CDfm wrote: »

Now thats great if thats what you want from life.

There are lots of guys whose own needs are put after those of their wives and family and dont have a buzz in their lives.

Very much so and like you say great if that's your thing and I know a fair few men where that is their thing. Others where its not and they're basically trapped in that. The best couples I know both the man and woman have a buzz in their lives on top of the family thing, which is the ideal.

pickarooney

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes people do and can change. I have, but the other direction I suppose but I could change back next week. Doesnt mean I will, nor does it mean others will.

Which was my point. Even at whatever ancient age you're at (:D), you recognise that you could change next week. Saying, at 20, or any age fro that matter, "I will think/feel this way forever" is a fool's game.

banshee_bones

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

Ok I'm only 20, so I don't know if my opinion will count for anything, but I already know that I never want to have kids. It's assumed that everyone is going to have them at some point, and that there's something "wrong" with anyone who doesn't have that parental instinct. The thought of being a father, even in 10 or 20 years time, is an absolute nightmare tbh. People will tell me I'm too young to know and I'll change when I'm older but I can safely say that'll never happen. I wouldn't rule out ever getting married, but only if I met the right person.

Anyway, you should only have children if you want to have children. Same with getting married. Just because society has expectations doesn't mean you should blindly follow through with them. You have no desire for a wife and kids - so what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

Like you said yourself:

As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Just continue enjoying your life and don't worry about what other guys your age are doing.

+1

As a female of almost 24, I have the very same feelings, and like you, I get this all the time. I somehow feel its even worse that people expect me to have that parental instinct as a female, and they all seem to think I will change my mind when I meet the right man. Like you , I wont rule it out but at the moment I can't see myself changing my feelings in the future....

hunter164

I'm 17 and being honest I wouldn't mind having a kid now. I wouldn't mind settling down now, I'm not into the whole night life thingy or anything. Strange I know but I rather spending the evening in with the missus.

The_Kew_Tour

Hi im 26 years old. Most my mates are same age group back home. One them got married last year and another just got engaged, I am delighted for them both but its not my cup of tea.

I never taught I would be thinking along this line when I was in my late teens-early 20's when i taught by this stage I be lot more settled.

But having lived in Dublin and been to many countries in previous job I have seen plenty of bad stories from people getting married early.

I go out about 70% of Saturday nights during the year my mates up here are more older then me and they like me have no interest in settling down. Now I can see myself changing and maybe someday I will want to get married but I dont want to ever feel rushed into anything and I wont. I am glad my parents feel same way and told me to enjoy life and do whats best for me and never feel like your pushed or pressured into something.

I see plenty of people doing the dirt on there partners and at the moment I feel that I am not really ready to do the same. I am being honest and I am not hurting anyone. I enjoy meeting girls but am happy enough just to enjoy myself rather then thinking that this girl likes me so I have to try get her into a long term relationship.

Handsome Bob

In regards to Marraige, the idea of it doesn't bother me.

Kids on the other hand is an entirely different issue for me. Sometimes I see some kids and think to myself "Jesus christ, no way am I ever having one of those little brats." Then there are other times when I do soften towards the idea. However, this only happens when I come across nice kids but who are also being mistreated. But I don't know, maybe that's just the compassionate and protective side of me coming out.

Right now, the idea of kids doesn't appeal to me in anyway. I haven't got the means or in the right place mentally to even consider the idea of children.

Bella_purple

L31mr0d, your point with being raised in a large family and from that developing a need for one too I think can work both ways. For me it worked riversed. I grew up in an independent family, I'm the only child and I've always thought the larger the family was, the marrier the members. Maybe I needed a myth to belive in, who knows, but for a while I liked this idea of extenede family. Like italian families, very cheerful ...
And congratiolations, L31mr0d!

Wibbs, a healthy relationship is something I also think about. I guess it's not that common and I guess it comes to finding the right person, if exists. Or if "the right person" thing has a point, in reality and it's not just another fake myth.

elleburp

jake la motta wrote: »

It just seems all my mates, relatives and co-workers start to plan for marriage and kids in and around the thirty year mark but I seem to have no interest at all.

I feel I will could easily go another ten to fifteen years before I even consider it, is this normal for a lot of men or do I need to grow up?

I feel like I could go another ten to fifteen years before I consider getting married and having kids too. I'm not done having fun, not by a long shot. But biology dictates that if I want children I have to have them in the next 5-10 years, if I want more than 2 I should probably have started having them a couple of years ago....

jake la motta wrote: »

All of my ex girlfriends have said to me at one stage or another "do you even want a girlfriend" they tell me I come across as I could go without them, don't get me wrong, I treat them well, never cheat, have remained good friends with most of them and none of them would consider me a cheating/lying ****er etc...........but they all do say they get the sense "I go off the relationship quickly" which I think is true.

I go off relationships quickly too, I get emotionally bored. I don't think any of them really should have lasted past 12 months tbh

jake la motta wrote: »

I do like my own space and tell girls this at the start of every relationship. I have them stay over about four nights a week but thats usually it. I need at least three nights on my own, although one of my mates is renting from me so I'm not totally alone in the house and even he, who is 24 says he would love to be settled down with a kid now and hopes to be before he hits the thirty year mark. Have never lived with a girl and don't think I could handle it.

Well don't knock it until you've tried it eh. At 24 that was the last thing I wanted, but back then I thought turning 30 would be miles away, I didn't expect the following 6 years to fly past so quickly and I def didn't prepare myself for the life I assumed I would have. I thought I'd have at least 3 kids by now. Whether I wanted it or not wasn't really something I thought about.

One thing that always strikes me is the "couple thing", you know where coupled up friends meet up for dinner or have coupley things together. I have a few girl-friends who I meet on their own but would never dream of inviting me to the occasional Friday night where they might have a couple or 2 over dinner, simply because I'm single. I can tell you one thing, if and when I do become part of a "couple" (hate that saying!) I will certainly not be accepting invitations to their couple things. If i wasn't good enough single then you're not good enough when I'm not. I do have some friends who invite me to occassional organised Saturday night were most of the people going are in couples, those people are the one's I'll continue to see.

I'd really hate to change my life if I found a guy to share it with too. Recently I've met guys who don't want to get into a relationship because their afraid of the ties it puts on their lives. I've got to be honest, ime it's usually the guy who wants to know my plans for every saturday night, not the other way around. Don't get me wrong - I'm not some renegade girl, I'm just single and happen to enjoy my life. I'd like to find someone who could let me continue as I am for the foreseeable future without worrying about having to settle down.

It seems to be that a lot of guys don't seem to realise how much undue pressure it puts on a girl to assume that she's looking for a husband to clip his wings? How can a girl explain to a guy that she's not interested in trying their lives to a house and babies, that's it's actually the scariest thing in the world to even think about. But that maybe, just maybe in 5 years time her opinion might change - and anyway the relationship might have run it's course and be over long before that so why the big deal?

I just wish we got to be young and carefree for a bit longer than biology dictated, then we wouldn't even be having this conversation