Will it ever get better?

LegacyUser

I'm a 22 year old girl with a history of serious depression. Please bear with me, this post will be long but I really need someone to give an outside opinion and get me out of the state of mind I'm in. I hope no-one recognises me from this.

I used to be very shy and very unlucky with guys. Then in college I came out of my shell a lot, and started to get a lot of compliments about my looks, and even had a boyfriend for a while. Even though I was still struggling with long term depression at this time, my self esteem improved to the point where I managed to wean myself off my anti-depressants by 2007. I felt happier than I had in years during college. Now I feel like my life has gone back to how it was before and I'm so down.

Having graduated from college I'm now doing further study because I couldn't find a job in my field. Most of my friends have moved to Dublin to start jobs. The ones that are left around my area are mostly guys, and they have jobs and a lot of them have girlfriends. My course is a joke, its only a few hours a week and I feel I'm learning nothing and have way too much free time. I'm lucky in that I got a part time job which pays me great money for just a tiny amount work a week so basically after a few hours my week is free. This is not a good thing. I go to the gym a fair bit and stuff but mostly I just watch TV in my room for hours and hours.

I feel like I haven't gotten to know anyone new because my course mates commute from home and mostly have their own circles of friends already and have no interest in making new friends. I live with some of the guys I am friends with from college, and near others. This is good, better than living with strangers but I find that I just sit and wait for them to come home in the evening, and that they have all made new circles of friends through work, college courses, etc. And I feel like I no longer fit in anywhere. It doesn't help that I'm basically the only female friend around out of our old college group. Some of the girlfriends seem wary of me, even though I try to be as nice as possible to them and I don't hang off the guys or anything, they're just friends. Some of the guys are more distant from me because they're aware their girlfriends feel strange about me, a single girl, being friends with them. My friends who live in Dublin work long hours and have all made new friends through their jobs. They don't stay in very regular contact. I'm mostly just contacted to be an agony aunt because I'm good at giving advice. I wish I could take my reassuring advice but sometimes I feel like I'm comforting friends but I don't even believe my own words.

Maybe its just that I have too much time to think. But I just feel like I've regressed back entirely to the state I was in at age 17. I'm so lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel like there is no-one else who can empathise anyway, because all my friends, both in Dublin and around me, have just adapted so much better to life after college. I find it hard to find people to go out with and that I'm drinking a lot more when I do go out and stuff because I just feel more and more awkward and uncomfortable in social situations. I feel like I'm intruding on another group of friends and that people don't really know why I'm with them as I'm an outsider. And then I'm embarrassed if I do something stupid when I'm drunk, like fall or drunken text. But I still don't learn from my mistakes.

I feel sad all the time. I'm so lonely, and I hate being single. I feel awkward all the time, even with people I've known for years. I've started smoking (always was a drunk smoker but now I have one or two a day while sober) and I think its because the few minutes I stand outside and smoke I can just contemplate and daydream. I've even started to self harm a bit (I used to do so regularly but hadn't for years) usually when I'm drunk. I feel like a fool the next day when I see a scar. I'm going to be here studying even after my course ends, for over a year before I can move to Dublin. That's like 15 months more of this. And by the time I get to Dublin I think I'll be a social cripple. When my course ends I'll spend even more time in my room alone.

I feel like just ending it. But I came so close to doing that when I was 18 that I know I can't do that to my parents or friends. I have already put them through too much worry. But I just can't see any way out. I can't really start a new hobby or job to pass the time because I'm too shy to go alone and I'm just too awkward. I'm told people think I'm pretty and confident, and sound to talk to, but guys don't understand how badly I just want a boyfriend, they think I'm just there to kiss and use before they find a real girl. How do I change that perception?

Maybe you'll think I'm just being selfish and sorry for myself when things could be so much worse. I think that myself sometimes. I think I'm becoming selfish although I try not to be. But right now I feel like I have no life, like my personality must be awful and like I've become unpopular and pathetic again. If I don't like myself why would I expect a guy, or anyone really, to like me. How can I improve my self esteem and social skills and just get out of this hole of depression?

Sorry this was so long.

Victor

You need to get out of your room and while you don't have to be the life of the party, you do need more human contact.

Can I suggest you talk to your GP or other medical professional and mention how you are feeling, especially the self harm?