comedy script for assessment

kd101

Hello,

I've posted other sitcom scripts on here to mixed responses. Am looking for more mixed responses now

I've knocked together a concise version of something I've been working on. The first few pages are designed to be a quick intro into the backdrop for the sitcom. They're due a re-write, but I need early assessments on the rest of it.

If anyone took some time to read the rest of the script - that would be much appreciated.

What am I aiming for?
Silly fun laughs.
(oh it's based in London)

dawvee

I had a read of it, and to be honest I'm not really sure what to make of it. Even for a sitcom, I find it remarkable how little of anything actually happens.

Look at an episode of just about any sitcom and you'll see a definite story arc in each episode, with an initial conflict or problem, and a corresponding resolution. What's more, the story should be moved forward by action - the characters going around and doing things, or even dialogue with dramatic purpose.

The trouble is that much of the dialogue just feels like idle banter that never really goes anywhere. Look at a show like Coupling for a counter-example. The characters just chat a lot, but it's all just so much posturing and lying that the chatting alone creates dramatic conflicts that must be resolved. What's more, their dialogue is often quite pointed - the characters clearly take sides and butt heads, instead of just neutrally describing things to each other.

The only action I can see here is: Martin and Sis go on a date, Sis's date goes well, Martin's doesn't. That has dramatic potential, but there needs to be more conflict/resolution in the way you set it up and follow through with it. You're dwelling too much on what happens to the characters *after* they've parted ways on their date, when most of the dramatic potential for the situation is already exhausted.

I have other thoughts too, but the main thing I think is that the dramatic structure feels like it needs tuning. The central conflict needs fleshing out, because as it is the event (the date) isn't much of a resolution, because there's no conflict established. That kind of thing is crucial to get a viewer's interest, even in a silly sitcom.

kd101

dawvee wrote: »

I had a read of it, and to be honest I'm not really sure what to make of it,.... What's more, even in a silly sitcom.

genuinely i really appreciate the criticism. thanks


This is actually 20 pages cut from 45. I tried to satisfy requirements for entry into a small sitcom/drama thing - so I cut one main character (and plenty of cameos/ side bars) which probably drive one of the overriding themes of the sitcom (conflict, subterfuge). I also cut some scenes that add to this, as basically it was all a bit too elaborate for stage.
From reading over this again I completely can see how this is just really a bit of idle banter between people.
I suppose I was hoping it would get a few laughs ... but I'm thinking your remark "I have other thoughts too" might answer this point

Hah, cheers though

dcmu

Kd, if I'm honest with you, it's not amazing. It's not terrible, but there are some fundamental flaws from the off, before we even look at the content. Are you aware that there is a universal format with which screenplays are written. Trying to promote a script that doesn't follow this format is as hopeless as trying to record an album with no strings on your guitar. I'm talking to the point that if you send in a screenplay with a Courier New font, AND NOT simply Courier, you'll get binned. Literally, I can't stress how finnicky it gets.
Adding a phonetic sound such as pugh pugh is wildly off target too.

MARTIN
Oh yea Sis - Pugh pugh
#######
Pugh Pugh IS THE SOUND OF A GUN SHOOTING. A BIT LIKE BANG BANG BUT MORE REALISTIC
#######
BUTLER
We got em alright! Pugh pugh!

What you want is something akin to
Martin: Oh yeah sis
Martin makes a vague attempt at the sound of a gun firing


etc. etc. (My formatting is completely wrong here, but I really don't have the time to sort this right now - friday night, and all).

I'll log in tomorrow and offer advice on the actual content, but you seem to have an eye for dialogue. That's the hard part. the formatting is the p!ss easy part, and the story arc (as pointed out) is very tricky too. but the dialogue is wherein the skill lies for a screenplay IMO. So not all bad.

Sorry, I'm in a serious rush but I'll leave you with two links:

1) BUY THIS BOOK IF YOU WANT TO BE A SCREENWRITER: http://www.amazon.com/Screenwriters-Bible-Complete-Writing-Formatting/dp/1879505843/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269628260&sr=8-1

2) there's an amazing website that will almost certainly carry the screenplays (or drafts)* of your favourite movies. It's fantastic for, I suppose, pointing you in the direction of the location that you're looking for: http://scriptcollector.blogspot.com/

* For the rest of you, they have some early drafts of some of your favourite movies. So you can read the first or second draft of, say, the Hangover, which is almost completely different from the actual movie. Bit of craic on a quiet day in work.

kd101

i decided i'd post the full script ... i'm going to try submitting this a few place. will write back how i get on

kd101

I've taken on advice here and on another forum and made a new draft.

If anyone can take the time to read, that would be great.

nietzy

sitcom? pass thanks

dawvee

First off, what dcmu said about format. Get that book. You need to have the format right before anyone in the industry will give this a second glance.

Second, stop thinking about camera shots. You're the screen writer, not the director. (If you will be the director, ignore this advice ) Read up on the difference between a screenplay and a shooting script. In the screenplay you don't tell the director where to cut or who gets a close-up - that's seriously stepping on the director-to-be's toes.

As for the script itself, still looking it over, but it's even longer now before you actually get to the characters and their story. The first scene is 9 pages (would be about 9 minutes of screen time in a standard screenplay format), and it's basically all background exposition. Plus, it's one massively long scene where nothing much happens.

Have a look at the script to the pilot of Chuck (PDF link). By 8 minutes in, they've not only introduced/established all of the main characters in the series, but established the whole premise of the show. The conflict is crystal clear, the character's relationships to one another are sketched out.

kd101

Apologies I never actually commented on formatting before.

Re: Formatting
A lot of what I've read and been told about formatting for sitcoms is that the script layout doesn't matter.
I've read this on numerous places re: british sitcoms.

Therefore I haven't worried too much about it.
It's something I'll likely look into for my next script, just to check that box, but from reading comedy writing advice elsewhere, it's not regarded as essential.

Also,
http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/tv_comedy.shtml

Miranda, 30min UK sitcom, 70page script
Funland, 67 pages
Two Pints of Lager, 51 pages

Also they all have different formatting...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dismissing your advice, I suppose I'm just looking for more comments on the comedy, storyline, character interaction, dialogue etc.

cheers for taking the time