What's happening to me?

LegacyUser

I really think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

As a child, I was overweight. I experienced huge amounts of abuse from school mates because of it, and have had issues with food ever since. Anyway, since I came to college 3 years ago (currently 21), I've done everything in my power to take control of my eating habits. I successfully dropped a more than adequate amount of weight, to the point where my family and friends began to worry that I wasn't eating.

The reality was that I was eating; I just controlled what I ate so much that I made sure I never went over my alloted calories any day. I ate really healthily, plenty of fruit, veg, protein, you name it. I also attended (and still do) attend the gym 3 times per week. I was and still am obsessed with my weight, if I ever ate anything unhealthy, I'd begin to question everything, and start worrying I was getting fat (even if I ate just a single bar). I can never eat anything without adding it to my total calories for that day. If ever I go over my maximum amount, I get exceedingly depressed.

Anyway, enough back story. In the past few weeks, I feel like I'm having some sort of breakdown. I've began binging to the point where I'm in physical pain and can't move. Just yesterday, I ate 3 bagels after dinner, and a huge chocolate bar. The day before that, it was 6 bars and an entire jar of peanut butter. A week before that, I ate 13 chocolate bars in one day. I'm just after eating about 7 bars right there, including a muffin and a huge caramel shortcake bar, half a pizza and curry chips. I'm spending so much money, money that I don't have. Spots are reappearing on my face. I'm feeling really down in the dumps. The binges started periodically, but now they're every few days. I fear I'm beginning to gain weight. It's funny because even being at a normal weight, which I wanted for so so long, didn't really make me happy. I am still as unconfident as I always was, I can just hide it better now. Not that it's relevant, but I'm gay and I get loads of attention from guys. I'm not trying to boast, but I do. I'm just very picky (and I wish I wasn't) which is why I'm finding it so hard to meet someone.

I don't know what it is that caused me to crack. I could go months without touching a single piece of unhealthy food. I cared so much about my appearance. Now, I don't know what's happening. I'm lonely (broke up with my last BF last August, so that couldnt be it), living away from family in college, and I guess I'm starting to use food to compensate.

I'm spending tons of money i don't have. I used to be so good at just saying no to my cravings, now I always give in. There was no food in my house after dinner yesterday, so I ended up binging on bagels. I didn't even really want them, but my head was saying "f**k it, might as well". I've tried lots of methods to stop it, like not bringing the food into my house (which doesn't work, have just walked around town going from shop to shop buying junk and eating it all).

Each morning i wake up I tell myself, okay, this is a new day. I'll be healthy today. I'm okay all day, but after dinner, the cravings kick in. I'm terrified that I'm going to grow into something colossal.

Any advice? I need to address my issue with food head on, I've realised that now. I just don't know how to.

LegacyUser

I wouldnt feel comfortable giving you advice on something like this.You really need to go to your gp and ask his advice.
Take care of yourself xx

sporina

Hi,

TBH it does sound like you may have an eating disorder. you could call the bodywhys helpline - find it on the website - www.bodywhys.ie

then perhaps go to your GP - and they may be able to refer to you a counselor or psychotherapist...

do not worry though - there is help out there. take care

LegacyUser

Not to sound unappreciative, but does anyone else have any advice? It's too easy to say "see your gp", I'm not stupid and if I wanted to see him I would, the reason I've posted this here is for some advice I'll actually use, I don't want to see my gp about this.

Please someone help me.

sporina

hi there, this issue it bigger than you know - really... i cannot go into detail here. You need professional help. At least check out the bodywhys website - they are at the core of help for Eating disorders in ireland..

sporina

also check out this website.
http://www.eatingdisorders.ie/

I know you are scared right now but there is help out there.

There are emotional issues at the core of eating disorders - you will need to work on them in order to work on the ED. I think you already know that.
Ed's are more common than you know and dangerous.

Dark Phoenix

OP I think this is what happens when you control eating habits too rigidly and you completely ban the foods you class as 'unhealthy' but that you desire. Your blanket ban will last a while but eventually desire will take over and you binge as a result. Having a little in moderation of these 'unhealthy' foods would surely be a better bet? If these foods are not banned then you can have a little every so often and you will not obsess about them. You seem to be extremely hard on yourself and then self sabotage as a result

Penn

First off, you did brilliantly being so strict and losing all that weight. So fair play. But now that you've lost all that weight, you were still being too strict. You cut out all the bad stuff in order to lose the weight, but now that you've lost it, you can allow yourself a little treat every now and again. It's called moderation.

You can do things like allow yourself a takeaway every 2 weeks. Or if you want to eat a chocolate bar, do an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill. If you don't do things like this, you'll drive yourself mad. Or go for really dark chocolate which isn't as bad for you. Even people who were never overweight would be driven mad by being so strict. You lost the weight, and I'm trying to lose weight myself at the minute, so I know it's hard. But the longer you keep being strict, the more the cravings will get to you. Allow yourself a small treat every now and again.

You stand a better chance of being happy by being healthy rather than just being thin. And small treats in moderation can be healthier than having none at all

Inari

You made the lifestyle changes which is great. I think you just made them too much too soon. I'm going to explain some things about the body and exercise, and it might help you.

Your "daily calories"...how did you work this out? Was it the RDA of calories? I ask because the RDA is worked on an average 70kg Male...are you a 70kg Male? Your real daily calories is what's called your BMR (aka RMR and MMR) - Basal Metabolic Rate (Resting Metabolic Rate, and Maintenance Metabolic Rate). This is the MINIMUM amount of calories NEEDED for the proper functioning of all your body's systems, without any movement. It's the calories you need to sustain 24 hours of life, lying still on the floor. If you'd like, I can help you work this out.

When you exercise, you make your muscles more metabolically active, which raises your BMR, as they need more calories to function normally. This means that A) you have to consume more kcal per day and You'll burn more calories easier/faster. In order to make sure you're burning/metabolising your food correctly, you need to have a balanced diet. Carbohydrate (here on referred to as CHO) is the preferred source of energy for every cell in the body, and makes up about 50 - 60 % of your daily calories. It is your fruit, veg, potatoes, rice, pasta etc. Fats should make up 30% of your daily calories, especially if you're exercising. People tend to be wary of consuming fat, but if you're exercising, it is the best fuel to use (a mix of CHO & Fat; Fat burns in a CHO flame...i.e. most effective at burning fat when you've got a lot of Carbs) for it is more energy dense. 1 gram of Fat provides 9kcal, but CHO provides onl 4kcal. The remaining 15% of your diet should consist of Protein. Protein is the most effective food at stimulating the hormone that tells your body that you're full. Following that, you should consume 2 litres of water a day.

If you would like to lose weight, in the long term, it's best to adjust your diet so that it's as healthy as possible, whilst not banning yourself from the unhealthy things...the key is moderation (including moderation itself...everyone needs to let go at times). When exercising it is important to be following a program that is suited to your goals. Otherwise you won't see the results as much.

In summary, here's my advice:
- Work out how many calories YOU need per day (your BMR - I'll hlep you with that if you like)
- Adjust your diet incrementally - one thing at a time
- Eat as naturally as possible - the less processed the better
- Have plenty of Carbs
- Exercise towards your goals

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

shellyboo

To see people give the OP dietary advice is kind of scary. He's *binging*... it's not a simple "I don't know how to eat healthily" problem.

OP, I'm sure you know and can see yourself that binging on food and being constantly scared about putting on weight are major red flags for an eating disorder. The anxiety you're feeling about all this points to that as well. I know you say you don't want to see your GP, but you really need to speak to someone about this. Bodywhys is a good first port of call, as others have mentioned.

sporina

i totally agree with the last post. This is why I think that something threads can be dangerous as people can give wrong advice. He does not have a problem loosing weight - advice as such will only exacerbate his obsession about food.
OP professional advice is needed... be careful what you take in here as it is not accurate.

beks101

Hi OP,

I agree with that other posters have said about going to the GP and Bodywhys about this.

But I've been exactly where you are now, I know exactly how traumatising, painful and scary those binges can be so just want to tell you you're not alone. There is a direct correlation between your overly strict eating habits and this sudden lack of control, as others have pointed out - if you diet obsessively and demonise food in the way that you have, your body is eventually going to catch up with you. There is a distinct physiological element to this as well as the emotional one, so don't write yourself off as a failure because you're getting an overwhelming compulsion to eat all around you. It's a physiological survival mechanism. If you lose weight by starving yourself and constantly depriving yourself, your body will fight back.

I went through a frightening and deeply depressing process of re-gaining all the weight (and then some) that I had lost by starving/over-exercising, over the course of a year - because I refused to accept the fact that strict dieting would lead to an inevitable starve-binge cycle. It was probably the worst year of my life.

That was years ago and I still have 'binge days', but for the most part I can keep them under control because I let myself eat what I want, when I want, and balance it off with exercise if needs be.

It's been a long road with many false starts, and I found psychotherapy quite useful. You're going to have to get to the root of your eating issues before they can dissipate. For your own sake I would definitely advise a trip to the doctor and explain everything to him/her.

For the short term, make sure you eat three healthy meals every day, regardless of the bingeing (skipping meals will cause more binges) and try to keep yourself busy to take your mind off food - arrange to meet up with friends as often as possible, get out for a walk in the fresh air, start a journal, tidy the house, go for a drive.

Wishing you the best of luck and feel free to PM. You'll get through this.

Getwellsoon

I don't think there's much I can add to this, as I would pretty much just be reiterating what everyone's already said. I've been through this to some extent - I was overweight for most of my 20's, decided to do something about it and started dieting healthily... then it developed into an eating disorder as I was counting calories too rigidly and beating myself up over eating something that I hadn't planned to eat. For a long time I wouldn't go over 800 calories and I was exercising a lot. If I wanted a high-calorie treat I ate it instead of a whole nutritious meal! I thought I was being super healthy, but I wasn't. I did eat a LOT of really healthy stuff, but then I'd also binge occasionally. Not only did this way of living make me hungry, tired, snappy and miserable, but my body also started shutting down and my periods stopped. Not a good sign. That's what it took for me to cop on and get a hold of myself and start eating properly again.

You really need to get control of yourself again. My bingeing was nowhere near as bad as yours sounds, and yet I made myself go and see a doctor. And it REALLY helped. Just to have someone I didn't actually know listen to me, tell me that I did have a problem, and let me cry my eyes out. He told me to allow myself to have treats, to exercise well, that I was very clued up about what kind of healthy things to eat, that I should aim for a certain weight and to come back in 2 months time if I needed more help- he said he'd then refer me somewhere else to a clinic specialising in eating disorders. Thankfully, in those two months I did manage to put on a few pounds, my body started functioning again, and I was a much happier person. Of course, I still have my eating disorder tendancies, it is a CONSTANT BATTLE. But I am healthily slim and happy now.

You need to relax your calorie counting. STOP RIGHT NOW. Once I stopped counting - that was the beginning of recovery for me. I felt such a release. Of course I still worried, but that was the first step. Allow yourself to have treats as well, because you're denying yourself way too much, so of course you are going to go mental and start snacking on everything around you (I still do this when I'm really drunk, my willpower goes out of the window!!). I don't eat that much still really, but I do aim for a very healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner, with a couple of treats during the day. I also try to make my treats fat-free and sugar-free (see my food diary in the nutrition forum if you want to see the kinds of things I eat), and by eating sugar free treats it keeps my insulin level more constant and eases my cravings.

I know you can do it. Private message me if you'd like to talk - I really wouldn't mind giving more advice if you need it xxx