How to stop being a sap

LegacyUser

By sap I don't mean sappy or soppy or whatever. I mean being an idiot in general. I'm a 32 year old female who just does not want to grow up. I have a lovely boyfriend and we have a house together. But I just can't settle. We're together 5years so that sounds contradictory. The thoughts of having kids and marriage and all seems ten years away but I know this can't be the case given my age. I've been putting the subject on the long finger for years,he would have had kids ages ago. I, however,just want to have the craic.I don't mean to sound flippant,I don't think it's cool or anything,I'm tired of feeling like this,it doesn't mix well with external pressures. But nevertheless, I just want to travel,go out,meet people and like I said have the craic.

In ways I wish I came from a family that expected marriage and grandkids but my parents were all very "dance to your own tune" which in theory is great but I think I'm warped in some way because of this. I just hate the thoughts of being settled. I look way younger than my age than my age which doesn't help. Or maybe it does,so I don't look completely pathetic. I know the obvious answer here is to be single and do my own thing while not affecting someone else(ie my boyfriend) but I don't seem to be able to take that step. There is a part of me that thinks maybe I should just have a baby,get married etc and that it could be great,I do love children - but it feels like giving up somehow. I don't know why I have such an outlook. I know how immature it all sounds but I really am not an immature person in general. Even in relationships,I've always put more importance on the passion side of things rather than the mutual respect and companionship type stuff. I think I'm a teenager trapped in a thirtysomethings body! I don't want to waste any more of my boyfriends time but I also don't want to make the wrong decision and end up as that sad git who hangs around twenty year olds until they're 50. The worst thing of all is that in theory,I hate people like me. I expect replies along the lines of grow the f**k up but that's my point, I don't know how to do this.

Nevyn

What makes you think you won't have fun and craic and meet people and do things once you have kids?

Cheap Thrills!

sap forever? wrote: »

The thoughts of having kids and marriage and all seems ten years away but I know this can't be the case given my age. I've been putting the subject on the long finger for years,he would have had kids ages ago.

I know what you mean, I used to think this would change but it never has. Well I've never wanted to get married, kids I am ambivilant about, well tbh I would probably throw myself under a bus if I really ever did get duffed. Some people are just not born to it.

External pressues are a bad reason to have kids. Once you them there is no going back, you are stuck with them for the next 20 years, more even the way people on her talk it seems kids these days expect to be financially supported till they leave college. Yes, college, which YOU will be expected to pay for...

As I said you can't give them back....

sap forever? wrote: »

I, however,just want to have the craic.I don't mean to sound flippant,I don't think it's cool or anything,I'm tired of feeling like this,it doesn't mix well with external pressures. But nevertheless, I just want to travel,go out,meet people and like I said have the craic.

Then just do have the craic. Your remark that you dont think its cool indicates that you have been listening to the type of person who thinks people of certain ages 'should do xyz' and 'shouldnt do xyz' -thats a load of b0ll0x. Do exactly what you want.

sap forever? wrote: »

There is a part of me that thinks maybe I should just have a baby,get married etc and that it could be great,I do love children - but it feels like giving up somehow.

Look I wont lie to you if you did have the kids you would get on with it and love it I'm sure but you dont have to.

No-one will be harmed if you dont.

sap forever? wrote: »

I don't know why I have such an outlook.

Why wouldn't you have your outlook? There is nothing wrong with it. You seem to have stigmatised your way of thinking as being wrong/deficient etc Its minority but perfectly valid. Have a bit of confidence in yourself.

sap forever? wrote: »

Even in relationships,I've always put more importance on the passion side of things rather than the mutual respect and companionship type stuff.

Me too. Because passion IS more important. Each to their own. If others value companionship more thats good, for them.

You don't change, everyone told me when I was younger I would change but I didn't. Its what you are hard wired to be.

sap forever? wrote: »

I think I'm a teenager trapped in a thirtysomethings body! I don't want to waste any more of my boyfriends time but I also don't want to make the wrong decision and end up as that sad git who hangs around twenty year olds until they're 50. The worst thing of all is that in theory,I hate people like me. I expect replies along the lines of grow the f**k up but that's my point, I don't know how to do this.

Oh ffs! People who reply like that, really.....do you care....would you be them?.......with buckets of crippling responsibilities, less flexibility, early mornings, broken nights, creche fees, having to plan, plan, plan endlessly for the next 20 or more years. If you have the baby YOU will be stuck with it, 24/7....

Dark Phoenix

do you want to have kids? I think often people have kids or get married because they feel they should or their partner wants it without exploring what they actually want themselves.

A lot of your post is a lot like me - I think I have Peter Pan syndrom. I don't want to grow up and be responsible and tied down I liek being free and enjoying life - and whats wrong with that? I have never wanted to buy a house, get married or have a child. Thankfully my boyfriend agrees with me except for the house!

Rather than seeing yourself as immature maybe just think you have a different outlook on life than the average person? I think you need to decide what you actually want in life and then talk to your boyfriend. Its nto fair on him to have him waiting for something to happen if its not going to.

ManOfMystery

First off, I agree with the posts above OP - do what makes YOU happy.

However, you seem to be looking at 2 ends of the scale. On the one end, you have this great life with going out, travelling, enjoying the craic, etc. At the other end, it almost sounds like a miserable existence bringing up children and you're scared to go there but also wary of your biological clock.

Bear in mind that having children in itself brings a new dynamic and a new type of enjoyment to your life. You may not have the going out 'craic' you're accustomed to, but what you lose there you gain in laughs with your (potential!) kids, fulfilment, etc. Especially if you have a happy household.

Yes there are extra bills and pressures, but for every person who complains about these when having kids, there is another who will tell you that having children was the best thing that ever happened to them.

Getting married and having kids does also not mean a complete stop to your social life and going out - there are babysitters and family when you need them. It's just that your social life will obviously decrease somewhat, which as far as I'm concerned is something that happens as you get older anyway. People in general do most of their partying when they're younger, just a fact of life.

Both approaches to life have pros and cons, so think about them carefully before proceeding.