How to beat this insecurity?

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

I'll make this quick.

I'm out of a relationship (which tore me inside out) because I tried to hard and let myself be walked over an awful lot, no one should allow themslves to be treated like that and I know that now.

I've given up smoking and a few other things (trying to be happy having been badly depressed at the relationship and then the breakup).

Anyway, my issue is, I keep comparing myself to other men and get pretty down when I realise I don't have their looks, build, etc...

I'm excercising too having giving up smokes and doing little things ot try and make myself look better, new clothes and that. All harmless I guess, but I'm actually annoying myself when I literally stare at other lads/men and compare myself and just feel small. Who knows, I could be more attractive than I think, but still

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hi op sorry to hear you are so down on yourself.Sounds like she knocked you for ten.
Only thing you can do is stop worrying how other people look,you have your own qualities about you.You dont have to look like anyone else just yourself.
Never any harm in working out feel good for yourself first!
I have been there god many times,I have made myself the ugliest person everywhere.A break up like that can leave you not yourself at all.It will take time but you will heal and feel better about yourself.Soon you will regain your confidence,Its inside you need to heal not outside.It took me a while to not care how i looked because i realised i am good person inside and eventually found myself feeling better about outside.
Giving up the smoking can also make you feel pretty down and causes havoc with feelings of depression.
You sound like you have gotten into some knew things which is good keep it up.
Have a talk with someone close to you go out have fun and dont be thinking about does someone think you are attractive cause odds are alot of people do.But most important is to know you are a good person.
Take care try to let the past go and move away from it and realise you are a strong person for putting up with her and for then getting out of there.

Kevster

I assure you that you have positive points - everyone does. You are feeling a little depressed which can mask the good points about us. Depression also saps us of confidence. Give yourself a break thuogh - You have had a rough ride recently and you mustn't be too hard on yourself. We are all entitled to a break when one is needed/required.

Your aim should be to boost your confidence back up. Doing that should alleviate or erase the feeling of inadequacy you feel when you look at other men (some would actually refer to it as mere jealousy, but it's more complex than that in your case).

I know what it is like to feel that everyone else is better than me. I'm average height (hate that), have a baby-face, and I hate my hair. However - and this is important - the one great thing about the human body is that it is NOT the same from one individual to the next. There is NO one standard huyman body that everyone likes. People find tall guys attractive, while others find shrter/normal guys attractive. People like messy hair, while others like straight.

Be proud of what you've got, my friend.

Kevin

Taltos

So far I think you are also doing great.

One thing to consider in this comparison is that right now you are letting your natural instincts guide you - alpha male and all that. It is totally natural - to a point. Right now you are using this in a good way - exercising, taking care of your appearance. So it seems that you are ready for the next step.

As per Kevster - now is the time to focus your energies onto something else. Some interest that really gets you excited. It could be reading, a night course, walks in the forest, hiking with some of the clubs. How does this help - something that you look forward to and enjoy will naturally take up more of your time and you will spend time learning about it. This breaks the cycle you are currently in, you need to break that habit of comparison. Face it - how many guys do you know 100% are completely satisfied with who they are, how they look?

So - acknowledge the alpha drive has prompted you to improve yourself.
Next learn to like and love yourself. Become comfortable in your own skin. As your confidence improves - it really will show through. Everyone around you will pick up on it. They really will. Already I bet some of the guys you meet are already wishing they exercised as much - or that they had the willpower to quit the fags.. It is all about small steps. But for now - one thing we really know you have is the strength to stop smoking.

Give yourself a break - when you stop comparing at this stage the rest will all start to fall into place.

einsam

Going through the same thing myself at the moment. Doing all the same things you're doing. New wardrobe, lost weight etc. Starting to feel a bit better.

Keep it up, confidence does return and will shine through. When you start loving yourself again, so will others.

All the best

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

I should have mentioned I've been rejected/broken up about three times, my own fault but not if you know what I mean (I put too much into the relationship, fear rejection). It obviously has me the way I am. I'm jogging, bought some new things with my smoke money etc. Doing good
Thanks for everything

LegacyUser

Kevster wrote: »

I assure you that you have positive points - everyone does. You are feeling a little depressed which can mask the good points about us. Depression also saps us of confidence. Give yourself a break thuogh - You have had a rough ride recently and you mustn't be too hard on yourself. We are all entitled to a break when one is needed/required.

Your aim should be to boost your confidence back up. Doing that should alleviate or erase the feeling of inadequacy you feel when you look at other men (some would actually refer to it as mere jealousy, but it's more complex than that in your case).

I know what it is like to feel that everyone else is better than me. I'm average height (hate that), have a baby-face, and I hate my hair. However - and this is important - the one great thing about the human body is that it is NOT the same from one individual to the next. There is NO one standard huyman body that everyone likes. People find tall guys attractive, while others find shrter/normal guys attractive. People like messy hair, while others like straight.

Be proud of what you've got, my friend.

Kevin

This is soooo true! I have a conception of what I think a good looking man is and what girls are attracted to in men. Things like height, hair, build all come to mind but I have been shocked on several occasions to hear what some girls like in guys. I think the attractions that men have in women are pretty universal and will often be agreed on by most men. For example, I rarely (if ever) have commented on how I thought a girl was hot and had another man say she is not. I think as men we all share very similar traits that we go for on girls and while preferences differ a lot i.e, Tall, short, blonde, red head etc we can usually all agree that we find a certain woman attractive.

The thing about girls on the other hand is their tastes vary far far more. I have had a girl tell me she did not fancy Johnny Depp once. I was shocked as I assumed that every girl out there would agree on him. The same has applied to guys who you would not class as "traditionally good looking" where girls have told me such a guy is really hot. I'm telling you as a guy you cannot possibly know what all girls find attractive in men. Ok some men are pretty obvious and most men can spot the tall, dark, and handsome stranger with the accent but you probably see guys every day who you would not think that too many women like, but you would be wrong. Jesus, just walk down grafton street and look at some of the gorgeous girls with their not so movie star like boyfriends, its everywhere. I often go through stages where I think I am not good looking (usually after not being with someone for a while) and then I end up with a few girls over the course of a few weeks. Then I think "oh wait I must be good looking after all" and my confidence shoots way up. However there are still loads of girls out there that I am almost positive would not find me attractive. But there are also lots that do. Its just the way it is and unless you are blessed with Brad Pitt looks or famous, some girls will find you attractive and some won't.

Kevster

rdcns wrote: »

The thing about girls on the other hand is their tastes vary far far more. I have had a girl tell me she did not fancy Johnny Depp once. I was shocked as I assumed that every girl out there would agree on him.

That works both ways, because some people think I'm lying when I say that I do'nt find A. Jolie attractive. She just does'nt do it for me. I much prefer the 'natural' look to a girl, and the skinny supermodel/actress type isnot my style. 'My' girl is one who doesn't do her hair up everyday, does'nt wear make-up excessively, and who dresses DOWN (i.e. not to impress).

Kevin

unreggd

Just don't compare yourself to other people. There's always gna be people bigger, faster, stronger etc, but its your personality that counts, and thats a LOT more harder [if not impossible] to change than your physical appearance

And as you said, people don't see themselves as others see them, and its usually the opposite of what you think about yourself

Talldarkanhappy

Hey bud take it easy on yourself. What you are doing is a natural reaction to you circumstances..... some people hit the drink, some hit the food and others do what you are doing... trying to change the image that is..... My way out of a situation of a relationship that broke up a few years back was to call a couple of my mates and get out on the social scene immediately and get away from myself.... it worked and I was in no hurry to meet someone else but I did very soon.....Maybe I was lucky.....but by being out on the scene was temporary comfort and then beacme something to look forward to after putting a hard day???

T

Munstermad

Hi there, am in same boat as you except that am female. I have made a decision though, in that the next relationship that comes along, (if one ever does) I am always going to prioritise myself....Acting like a doormat is a self fulfilling prophesy, for me anyway.
Best of luck to u, sounds like ur doing everything right..
Take care

katie99

Love yourself.
If you don't love yourself then other people won't either.
Smile at people
Be friendly with people, show an interest in them.
We all have this invisible thing called 'aura' around us and people pick up on it.
What you are doing is positive and good for you.
But don't compare yourself to other guys. You are a very special person with unique qualities.
So, in time believe in yourself.
We all get rejected in relationships, it's part of life.
It doesn't mean you are any less a person than your ex or anyone else.
It simply means she and you weren't suited.
Aren't you fortunate to have discovered that now rather than later on?
Here is a suggestion:
Get a blank piece of paper.
Write down all the good qualities about your personality.
On the other side write down all the things you'd like to do in life.
Focus on them. Give yourself timelines to achieve them.
This will help with your self esteem.
Best of luck.