Destined to a life of misery re food/body image?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

First off - ** long post warning **
I sort of lost the run of myself here...probably because this is something I cannot discuss with family or friends, they are all blissfully unaware.

I'll cut right into it - I am at my wit's end. I have a serious, secret obsession with food, weight and exercise that is taking over my life.

It's not a fully fledged eating disorder as I don't starve myself, or purge...I'm neither neurotically skinny nor hugely overweight. In fact, I appear pretty normal - 5' 2, about 9.5 stone (female). But this obsession is stressing me every day of my life beyond belief.
To give a bit of background - I've always been something of an emotional eater, probably since I was 12 or 13, and when I was 19 I developed an eating disorder. It was somewhere between anorexia and bulimia, but instead of vomiting I would go for five hour cycles, runs, not eat for days...to burn the calories consumed during what I determined to be a 'binge'. I was abroad on J1 when this happened, at first, unintentionally due to long working hours, exercise and lack of money to buy a lot of food...anyway,I dropped 2 stone in 3 months - from 9 stone to 7 stone. I came home a shell of my former self, physically and emotionally, and it took a load of therapy before things started to change. At which point, maybe a year later, I began to eat and eat and eat. The binges became larger than life as my body began the process of re-feeding itself and I was formerly diagnosed with binge eating disorder.

I could sit in on a Friday night and consume 7000 calories of crap. I'd 'supermarket hop' - buying a few items (tubs of ice cream, bars of chocolate, bread, cake...) in each, coming home, binge eating and descending into a depression for days.
This continued for about two years, at which point I had regained all the weight and more...topping the scales at about 10.5 stone.

As you can imagine, 'fat elephant' was a phrase that was constantly ringing in my ears and at points I would cover all the mirrors in my house I was so disgusted at the state of myself.

I can't tell you how, but gradually, over the last year or so, the bingeing has somewhat fizzled out. The 'frenzied' feeling I used to get has evaporated. I think it's the combination of joining a gym and actually enjoying exercise, and making a bit more of an effort with my food. I go to the gym about 4 times a week now and something in my brain has clicked - I've realised the pros of bingeing have absolutely nothing on the cons, and I've managed to lose a bit of weight.

However, I am still totally, completely, 100% consumed by my weight and what I eat. The process of self-sabotage seems to be continuing, albeit on a smaller scale. I desperately, obsessively want to lose about a stone and a half, but every day I abort whatever food plan I have made for myself and end up eating crap and skipping meals. I know I'm not that overweight, but I've completely put my life on hold until I lose this weight. No dating whatsoever - in fact I have avoided date after date because of this, as I just don't feel attractive enough to allow someone to get close to me.

I seem to be in a vicious cycle of - lose a few pounds, binge and gain them back. The weight loss seems to have stalled and I'm finding myself doing silly things - planning fasts after I've eaten too much, eating one meal a day, investing in ridiculous diets...
This is a problem that is genuinely causing me an undue amount of stress and in a sense, I feel completely trapped by it. I don't know how to change.

So I'm wondering...is this just the peril of being a female, in this day and age? I have enough experience to know that being skinny isn't going to solve my problems, but is it actually possible for me to begin to like my body, respect my body, at my current weight?
Given my eating history, will I always have to struggle with these issues or is it ever possible to actually free yourself from them and reach a natural, healthy weight that you are comfortable with?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I think most women have some kind of weight hang-up. For instance I'm a size 12 but would love to be a 10 and that gets me down sometimes but I certainly wouldnt say I'm consumed by it.

Have you joined a gym? Is that a possibility? Do you do any sort of exercise?

If you work, can you bring your lunch in and prepare in advance what you are going to have for dinner?

Do you think you are binging because you are not eating enough? There needs to be a good balance so you don't feel the need to over-eat.

I think, from what you've said, it would be worth speaking with a professional though. You dont have to live like this, nor should you have to.

sf xx

I can't believe you are giving this girl exercise advice and trying to impart nutritional advice. Clearly you've no clue about eating disorders!

The OP has an eating disorder - this is a psychological disorder that needs treatment. And no OP, the extent to which this affects your life is not normal. Your eating and exercising patterns are SYMPTOMS of something bigger.

What you've written sounds identical to my best friend's situation --- excessive exercise, binging and then thinking everything is under control. Except then she developed anorexia and severe depression. And because she didn't look underweight she was able to hide it well. She nearly died because of it.

Until she got proper treatment. Proper therapy. And even enrolled in an outpatient programme. You can't do this on your own OP. You need professional support to get you through this.

You might think about contacting Bodywyse as well.

Good luck.

cherrypie

I understand what you’re going though. I suffered from compulsive overeating and bouts of bulimia in my teens. I never considered this to be a “full blown” eating disorder. I used to convince myself that things would change, I’d be happy and everything would be fine once I’d reached my goal weight.

A long story short is that I skimmed the tide like that for a few years but because I never addressed the issues that brought me to the eating disorder in the first place, I went on to develop anorexia nervosa and it nearly killed me. My advise is to seek the help you need now because the longer that this goes on the harder it is to treat. I’m very happy and very healthy now but it‘s been a long and difficult journey.

With the right help and support you can definitely recover and have a happy normal existence that is not dominated by a number on the scales.

http://www.eatingdisorders.ie/
http://www.bodywhys.ie/
http://www.kildarestreetclinic.com/
http://www.eatingdisordersdublin.ie/index.html
http://www.rutlandcentre.ie/

Take care! xx

cafecolour

As above, you need counseling for the body image issues.

In general, fixating on an 'ideal weight' and dieting/eating to try and achieve that isn't going to work and will lead to feast/famine patterns.

It's really about ignoring your 'look' and focusing on having a healthy lifestyle - proper food, nutrition, exercise. Your body will then end up reflecting your lifestyle.

blackie100

Hello I am a 30 year old man. Just wanted to reply that Overeaters Anonymous have helped me with my food and body issue problems. When I went to my first meeting i knew i had found the place that would help me. I found that from just going to meetings and being around people who are sorting out their eating I was able to cut out the junk and once the junk was gone i felt better about myself and my body. The best thing about the meetings is that their cheap a meeting cost me around three euro and it gives me something i cant get even with a good thearpist.
http://www.oa.org/