Kicked Out. I'm 19

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a 19 year old girl. Brought up very well, live in a very nice area. You'll see why this is relevant.

Basically, I started a job at 15 as a waitress in a catering company and I became real good friends with a girl from Ballyfermot. However, I quit when I was 16 and it was only recently that we both got in touch! We get on great - I'll admit - She's a bit of a sl*t, real inner city accent and in general is basically the complete opposite of me! But I don't judge people and I really like her - She'd do anything for me, is always asking me to hang out etc etc.

Anyways my mom hates her! She's never met her but because she's from Ballyfermot thats it - wants nothing to do with her and wants me to have nothing to do with her. Now, I'm 19, I'm very sensible, I've told my mom that I am going to continue been friends with her whether she likes it or not. Tbh she is a complete and utter snob. I hate admitting that because at the end of the day she's my mom and I love her deep down but I really can't stand her personality at times.

Here's the story in brief - My car got key'd in town last week, I told me mom, she accused me of lying and said "I bet that happened in Ballyfermot!!" and I told her "no - it happened in town". She doesn't believe me and since then she's been telling me I'm not allowed to eat any of the food in her house, my room key has been take off me so I have no privacy anymore and she can just walk in whenever she pleases, she threw my dinner in the bin yesterday, and she's told me constantly that she would love me to move out.

Should I? I'm extremely upset over the whole thing tbh..:(

I have a full time job, earn at most 300 a week. I also have a 10 grand investment put away.

Thanks

cafecolour

Sure, you might as well live on yer own for a while - pop on daft and see whats available. Your mother sounds like shes lost the plot a bit.

Though one reason parents often don't like friends like yours is not the friend themselves (your friend is likely sound) - but the company they keep. IE your friend might have a circle of friends that are less sound and your mother is worried about you hanging out with them (ie I wouldn't go around telling people you have 10k in the bank).

You have uni or anything planned coming up?

Cheap Thrills!

Your Mam is behaving like a nutter. I really can't abide snobbery either.

I think you should get alternative accommodation if you can.

pilgrim1

Depends on how much you want your independence or how much you value your relationship with this girl.

firstly, i'm assuming yuu're either the eldest, or only child, in this family! If so, you're the apple of your mum's eye. That can make it hard on your mum to realise that you're finding your own way in the world

secondly, perhaps your ma really is a snob! this is a lot harder to deal with, and it's better to face up to this sooner rather than later.

Get your own point of view across. You may not realise it yet, living in the sadow of an overbearing mother, but you are a man now! Realise this and stand on your own two feet.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Call her bluff. Tell her that you love her, but if you are forced to make an adult decision that you do not want to make (i.e. move out) then the relationaship between you will be strained.

LegacyUser

You say you don't judge people yet you are labeling this girl a slut, maybe you have expressed negative opinions to your mum about this girl and now she is worried about the people you are hanging around with. If this isn't the case then she is overreacting and you have to try and be calm and reason with her. Maybe you could stop hanging around with this girl for a while at least until your mum calms down. In the long run the relationship you have with the people you live with/parent is more important than with someone you hardly know. Whether your mum is a snob or not you shouldn't move out to prove a point.

Bluebell35

Your Mom is being a snob if she is labelling everybody from one area with the same brush, thats not acceptable but I do agree with the last poster, your also being judgemental when you say 'a bit of a slut, real inner city accent' it doesn't matter what accent she has, if she is really your friend that wouldn't even come into the equation so maybe the issue isn't really the friend but the need to rebel against your mother

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Your Mam is behaving like a nutter. I really can't abide snobbery either.

I think you should get alternative accommodation if you can.

What exactly is this? Do I not have to be under 18 to avail of this?

LegacyUser

OP why when listing all your friends bad qualities did you include "has an inner city accent" does this mean there's something wrong with her? Seems like you've picked up a bit of your mums attitude yourself.

Hrududu

What exactly is this? Do I not have to be under 18 to avail of this?

Just go on www.daft.ie and look for houseshares. Or is it a hand out you are looking for?

LegacyUser

Snobbery wrote: »

OP why when listing all your friends bad qualities did you include "has an inner city accent" does this mean there's something wrong with her? Seems like you've picked up a bit of your mums attitude yourself.

Excuse me, I was merely "painting a picture" so u would have a better understanding of the situation.

I like the girl she's my friend so before you go calling me a snob re-read the post.

Thanks

LegacyUser

I did read your post and when you were listing all her faults, ie reasons you thought your mum might not like her you mentioned her accent. Speaks for itself.

Sir Ophiuchus

Snobbery wrote: »

I did read your post and when you were listing all her faults, ie reasons you thought your mum might not like her you mentioned her accent. Speaks for itself.

All that means is that she has a good idea what her mum wouldn't like, not that she has a problem with this girl's accent herself.

BumbleB

what_2_do wrote: »

I'll admit - She's a bit of a sl*t, real inner city accent and in general is basically the complete opposite of me! But I don't judge people and I really like her - She'd do anything for me, is always asking me to hang out etc etc.

Thanks

I would never call any woman a s**t ever its not a nice slur on anybody ,everybody is human and what you do with your life is your own business and should not be subjected to someone elses opinion ,also your attitude is extremely elitist.

I come from a nice area and I have friends from Finglas and they are the nicest, funniest people non judgemental people ever.


Your mum is worried about you with getting involved with drugs and that is the short and long of it.

LegacyUser

Snobbery wrote: »

I did read your post and when you were listing all her faults, ie reasons you thought your mum might not like her you mentioned her accent. Speaks for itself.

Wow ! Some people are just so confrontational !!!

I was listing the reasons WHY my MOM does not like her! So please so commenting you're not been in any way helpful to me

LegacyUser

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

All that means is that she has a good idea what her mum wouldn't like, not that she has a problem with this girl's accent herself.

Nope, she says "I'll admit" they're her views she is looking down on this girl whether she knows it or not it's almost like she's saying sure god love her she's this and that but I like her I'l be her friend, it's patronising and I wouldn't want friends like this and i'm sure if her friend read this post, she wouldn't like what her friend has to say about her.

Inari

Her post was painting a picture of opposites. Nothing more, and nothing less. Everyone judges, and everyone generalises. It's physically impossible not to. So I'd recommend that everyone hops off the high horse and actually just tries to give advice on the issue at hand.

If that were me, you have the money to move out so I'd sit my mother down and explain just that. Say to her that you're not being treated as a person anymore whilst living there, so unless it changes that you're moving out. Try and talk things out, and also you should try and get your friend and your mom to meet. All it takes is a little common ground to get started.

skooterblue

oh dear ..... what a dilemma.
You have a nice life. Nice area of Dublin, car, savings and a nice little job as well. I suppose you have a nice social life as well. Do you contribute around the house (bills food etc)?. Your mother can say all these things to you because she knows how cosy you have it. She knows how much you earn and how far it will go. When you have to pay for place, put down a deposit, pay gas/electricity/refuse/food you will find it tough out there on only €300 a week. You wont be in a nice place and you will have to make do with a lot less. you wont be shopping in Superquinn but Aldi and Lidl. She doesnt think you have the guts to move. In your position I wouldnt have it. I was in your situation years ago and I could have stayed at home but I moved out to have my own life away from village small mindedness.

Dont burn your bridges with your Mom. It will make reconciliation easier, do it logically not personally. What she is doing she believes is in your best interest. Everyone has to move out at some stage. I think it will be a great learning experience for you and give you a great experience of personal development.

Cheap Thrills!

what_2_do wrote: »

What exactly is this? Do I not have to be under 18 to avail of this?

I'm talking about moving out of home into your own place, a share or whatever. You seem flush, just move out and tell your 'Mom' its her own fault.

am i bovvered

Hi OP,
This is all very normal behavior, if it had not have been about your friend it would have been something else.

Take the hint and move out...... you are an adult !!!

But please do it in a nice way, your mother is totally wrong in her beliefs but her reasoning is correct.
It is time for ye to have some space from each.
She has obviously raised you in a comfortable and confident way..... say thank you on the way out !!!

All the posters saying "tell your mother its her fault" as if its a punishment if your adult child leaves home

Co45

Coming from someone who grew up in Ballyfermot I can see where shes coming from. By that I mean not wanting you to be hanging around Ballyfermot. In fairness to your mom its a rough spot with a lot of anti social problems and hell of a lot of drugs. Most posters here condemning your mom probably wouldn't let their little daughters anywhere near the worst parts of Ballyfermot.
Have you ever thought that your mom just doesnt want you hanging around the area rather than the girl?

LegacyUser

My mom read this thread earlier and goes "ha ha they're all on my side"

Two mins ago my brother just gave out to me saying "You're an idiot for posting on a public website sure half of them are probably weirdos"

- I'll definately be gone.
- This is the kind of thing i'm talking about. Judging EVERYONE. It's all my family seems to do. Can't live like this anymore. I tried sitting us down and talking it through but my mom said "No sure you want to move out you hate me whats done is done basically".

I don't think anyone here realises just how bad our family relationship is. We all tried family councilling a few years ago but there are so many stubborn personalities in the family that no one ended up taking the advice and that was that.

Seen as my family are all reading this now can someone please give advice (directed at both me and my family now seen as my family may as well be posting here) as to what we can do to make amends? It's gotten out of control..

As someone who is from Ballyfermot and has the aforementioned accent I'm a little offended by this and am thinking your mother's being a snob. One of my work colleagues is from Finglas and he's grand. There's good and bad people everywhere - I might be from Ballyfermot but I don't even drink. Your mother needs to realise this.

ding-dong

The problem sounds like a combination of the fact that a) Your Mom is a snob and is disappointed that you're not surrounding yourself with people worthy of her elitist standards. Probably worrying what others might think and b) She wants you out of the house anyway (whether she knows it or not), because it's time...

On the second point, I wouldn't feel too bad about it. I found my relationship with my parents improved MASSIVELY when I moved out. They are now nothing but nice and always want to see me. If the environment you live in right now is toxic and taking its toll on your happiness, just move out. If the girl is actually a bad influence and not just "beneath your mother's class" well then time will tell. But you're old enough to make your own decisions for sure, and it's ridiculous to judge friends by anything other than their character.

theg81der

Move out who wants to be around that kind of negativity. If the Op`s mother is reading - you should be ashamed of yourself! is this really what you want to teach your children, to judge others on their postcode ?

If I was your mum I`d be really proud of you, you have savings away, your own car, a steady job, an awareness of morality and how to be respectful of others - at 19! My mum has 4 girls, me included, and we`re all achieving and nice people but none of us were this sussed at 19.

The_Conductor

OP- it is a bit sad that your Mum can't accept that there are good and bad people everywhere. I've friends who have incredibly posh accents- I've also friends with inner city Dublin accents. These are accents- nothing more, nothing less. Certainly some areas have reputations for being 'hard' areas- they tended to be the areas with higher unemployment, fewer amenities, more social deprivation. The flipside of this coin is folk from these areas tend to have much closer communities, rely on each other more- and in many cases are far better socially adjusted- and far nicer as people- than are those born with silver spoons in their mouths.

Every area has both good and bad people- no area has a monopoly on better morals or behaviour than anywhere else. The maxim- don't judge a book by its cover- is incredibly valid- you don't need to be brought up in a household with money to be a well adjusted person- having loving parents and a sense of belonging- is far more important than having parents with high flying careers.......

The girl from Ballyfermot is your friend- and how you manage your friendship with her is your decision. The inverse of this is- as long as you stay in your parents home- you have to respect any rules (regardless of how ridiculous they may seem) they decide to impose.

If you are satisfied that you are capable of making your way in the world- by all means do so- but sit down and do the sums before crossing bridges (never mind burning them.....). EUR300 a week may seem like a reasonable enough sum- and indeed if you budget properly, can be plenty- but seriously sit down and do the sums- compare your current lifestyle to what EUR300 a week will allow- and decide whether you're willing to give up your current lifestyle......

Life is tough- and does throw you curveballs at times. How you handle those curveballs is part of what differentiates us from each other- and helps us develop as people......

goat2

what_2_do wrote: »

What exactly is this? Do I not have to be under 18 to avail of this?

give yourself and your mom a break from each other, move out for 6 months see how it goes, there are lots of rooms going in beautiful houses where you will be paying between 50 to 75 euro per week, sharing house with 2 others
good luck
you will get on fine
your mom will come round

Co45

I would actually like anyone, who has been in the worst parts of Ballyfermot, come on here and say they'd like their 19 year old daughter to be hanging around there.
Everyone is so quick to jump on the 'mom is a snob' bandwagon but coming from someone who grew up there, if given the choice, I would not want my kids hanging around there and getting put in and witnessing the same situations I did.

ash23

Regardless of who is a snob and who isn't, who put whose dinner in the bin and who said what....well, the fact is that you are 19.
You work full time, you're an adult.

If you aren't happy with the way things are at hom, then look for shared accomodation, get a room in a house with some other girls and spread your wings, start living life as a grown up.

Even on 300 euro per week you'll manage. You might live in a house that is a bit shabbier than home, you might have to eat beans on toast twice a week etc but hey, thats part of growing up.

I moved out at 16, I got pregnant at 19 and moved home. Lasted 7 months and I had to get out of there. I just couldn't live with being treated like a child, especially when I was rearing my own child.

So I moved out with a baby in tow and it was fine. I lived my life as I wanted, raised my daughter as I wanted. My relationship with my parents is much better now as they don't interfere. They can see I'm an adult, I'm raising my daughter well and doing my best. They help when I need it which isnt often but they do what they can for me.

Move out. Time to be a grown up now.