Can't stop thinking about him! (bit long sorry!)

uniqueNewyork

Hi everyone,

just looking for some advice. I'm going crazy thinking about this guy!

Started seeing a guy I knew (knew him for about a year) at Christmas, were seeing each other every week for about 8 weeks, in touch most days, staying in his, staying in mine etc, getting on really well.

Now he made it clear at the start he wasnt really looking for a relationship, just fun, I thought "ok thats cool" when really it wasnt. I'd been mad into this guy for ages before we got together, powerful spark, chemistry, the whole shabang when we locked eyes, and when he reciprocated "feelings" for me at xmas I thought "wow this is definitely meant to be" he even went so far as to say "us being together would've happened eventually as there was so obviously an attraction/spark/flirting between us"..... so when he said he only wanted a bit of fun at the start I thought "yeah ok you'll change your mind" (as you do)... fast forward 6 weeks and I notice a major change in him, really attentive, talking about doing things in the future(months down the road), I have a child from a previous relationship which I NEVER brought up in conversation, (only because I wanted to keep things seperate for various reasons) suddenly he wanted to see pictures, and was asking about the child how they were etc, like really interested in my life.

About 2 weeks after this "change" we meet on the tuesday and all is great, great times, wine, dvd's mad into each other etc, then we hook up after the pub the following sat ( both of us were out seperately with friends) , he stays in mine, next morning we wake up and all of a sudden I get the "I dont see this going anywhere, I think its best we leave it and it doesnt go any further" etc etc talk....
COMPLETELY DEVASTATED to say the least. Cant stop thinking about him. ALL THE TIME. I still see him a few times a week (work) and we're chatting as mates, had a bit of a rough week after the ending of it but we got back talking. Still texting/talking mainly because he's done me a few favours (work related) over the last week.

I know its probably going to sound "out there" etc but I REALLY thought this guy was it for me. Every part of me felt like he was, my heart, my head, I have never had feelings like that towards someone before, guess thats why its soooooo hard to get over him. Believe me I've tried everything to shake this feeling, it just wont go! I keep thinking we'll be together again, my gut is telling me we will. But obviously I cant trust my instinct after everything can I?

I know I'm probably sounding like a mad person here, I've heard "love" and "madness" are similar chemically so maybe I am a mad person right now! I keep feeling I should take a leap of faith and tell him EXACTLY how I feel but I'm worried about coming across as "dramatic" and "mad"... maybe I've watched too many "romcoms" and its ruined me for real life, and there is no "hollywood" ending here, its just me being a bit off my rocker!!

What the hell do I do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice appreciated, sorry for the long post. I'm at my wits end with this! Its on my mind most of the time and I feel quite down about it.

Thanks again.
UNY

Chesty_LaRue

uniqueNewyork wrote: »

Now he made it clear at the start he wasnt really looking for a relationship, just fun, I thought "ok thats cool" when really it wasnt.

so when he said he only wanted a bit of fun at the start I thought "yeah ok you'll change your mind" (as you do)...

What the hell do I do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice appreciated, sorry for the long post. I'm at my wits end with this! Its on my mind most of the time and I feel quite down about it.

Why did you think he would change his mind. He made it clear he wanted a bit of fun. You should have told him you were interested in him as a potential boyfriend and you would have saved yourself all this hassle.

He wanted fun, he's had it and is now moving on, he did nothing wrong as he made it clear that's all he wanted. All the chemistry, spark, eyes locking, talking about the future was in your head.

Cheap Thrills!

uniqueNewyork wrote: »

I keep feeling I should take a leap of faith and tell him EXACTLY how I feel but I'm worried about coming across as "dramatic" and "mad"... maybe I've watched too many "romcoms" and its ruined me for real life, and there is no "hollywood" ending here

I could be wrong here OP but I wouldn't if I was you. If you think about it all the things and feelings you describe are coming from your side, the only thing he HAS explicitly said is that he doesn't see it going anywhere.

I would very much take him at his word on this. Men tend to be quite literal.

The fact that he took and interest in your child all of a sudden and that the physical chemistry is electric doesn't mean anything, I'm sorry. I learned the hard way not to be reading into things men say and do, as generally they don't assign latent meanings to words and deeds the same way women tend to do.

When you are with someone you are spectacularly attracted to it can feel as though their reciprocation is as intense and loaded with meaning as your own, but if you could go outside your own head and be in theirs you can find it isn't.

I could be wrong OP, but I don't think its the lack of a 'leap of faith' profession of love that has him hanging back, it just seems one of those things where you are not the perfect fit for him for whatever reason, which of course is bitterly disappointing.

uniqueNewyork

dont know why I thought he would change his mind, guess I was hoping he would more to the point. Been in situations before where it was just fun at the start and it progressed into something more.

Talking about the future was definitely NOT in my head. I purposely didnt talk about things because I wanted to see how he was. He instigated conversations NOT me. When he ended things I told him I noticed a change in him regarding all of that and he admitted something did change for him, he wanted to be let in. So it was definitely NOT in my head.

uniqueNewyork

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I could be wrong here OP but I wouldn't if I was you. If you think about it all the things and feelings you describe are coming from your side, the only thing he HAS explicitly said is that he doesn't see it going anywhere.

I would very much take him at his word on this. Men tend to be quite literal.

The fact that he took and interest in your child all of a sudden and that the physical chemistry is electric doesn't mean anything, I'm sorry. I learned the hard way not to be reading into things men say and do, as generally they don't assign latent meanings to words and deeds the same way women tend to do.

When you are with someone you are spectacularly attracted to it can feel as though their reciprocation is as intense and loaded with meaning as your own, but if you could go outside your own head and be in theirs you can find it isn't.

I could be wrong OP, but I don't think its the lack of a 'leap of faith' profession of love that has him hanging back, it just seems one of those things where you are not the perfect fit for him for whatever reason, which of course is bitterly disappointing.

Makes sense I suppose... its just so hard to move on from him. I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm usually quite rational when it comes to affairs of the heart. Guess its definitely the "romcoms" that has me thinking stupid things... UH! I feel like a total plank!!!!

Cheap Thrills!

Ah OP, Romcoms are the work of beelzebub!!!!

uniqueNewyork

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Ah OP, Romcoms are the work of beelzebub!!!!

Couldnt agree more! think I maybe just need to grow up a bit and face reality! its tough though, how can your instincts etc be sooooo off? I'm usually quite intuitive. this guy just totally blew my mind. i hate this!!!!!

ash23

Hey OP, have been in a fairly similar situation recently too

Here's my thread

Like your guy he was lovely and attentive etc etc....and if I hadn't pushed the issue of a relationship it may well have carried on a while longer. But I've learned not to beat around the bush about this stuff. So I may have brought it to a premature ending but beats wasting more time on him.

My guy asked about my daughter too, he brought up the topic and I, like you, read this as a sign that he was getting there with the whole idea.

But in retrospect it reminds me of the time my ex suggested we try for another baby (I wanted one and he didn't). I asked him about it later (as he had been involved with another woman at the time) and he said that he was having doubts but had decided to give our relationship a real go and that was how he thought he should do it.

So I think my guy (and yours) we having their doubts but didn't initially want things to end so did what they thought they were supposed to do and started talking about getting involved.
But within a few weeks they really had time to think and they weren't at all comfortable with the idea and they ended things.


It sucks but thats their perogative. And we can't change how they feel.

It's been nearly two weeks since things ended with the guy I was seeing and almost a week since we last spoke. It gets easier every day.

I see a good friend of mine, she has a child and her guy had reservations about it all, about being in a relationship etc.

But he didn't run. He worked through it with her and now they're very happy together. He adores the child and he sees the child as very much a part of his life.

Thats what I want for myself and my daughter. Not a man who won't commit to me. Not a man who is happy to basically be my boyfriend but not actually call himself that.

I deserve someone who is proud to be with me, who wants to be with me enough that they overcome their doubts etc. You deserve that too.

Oh and something my disasterous dating history has taught me.......if a guy says he doesn't want anything serious, then he doesn't. No matter how he acts, talks, behaves, if he is saying "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" then that is what he means.

And if you think you can change him then you're wrong. Your energy would be better spent getting a spoon and digging a tunnel to china. Learn from this. And the next time a guy utters those words (or anything that sounds even remotely LIKE those words) walk away.

Chin up OP.

Barracudaincork

ash23 wrote: »

.if a guy says he doesn't want anything serious, then he doesn't. No matter how he acts, talks, behaves, if he is saying "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" then that is what he means.

+1

You have to take people at their word, not the words you want to hear.

LegacyUser

Very well said Ash23. It's the age old story 'He's just not that into me....'

I will never get men. I've had a similar situation myself recently, except we were 'together' for 6 months. Turns out we weren't 'together' at all.

Best of luck OP..you WILL get over him..u just need to distract yourself...

uniqueNewyork

Thanks Ash23

I totally get where you're coming from. I am trying to move on, I wont see him as much after this week but we will have to "run" into each other occasionally. Guess the part i'm having most trouble with is all the "feelings" I had towards him so quick, so sure etc, I know its all MY own doing and nothing he did, guess I'm wondering how I'm going to trust myself and feelings in the future if "the one" does come along... sometimes I HATE BEING A GIRL!!!! too emotional!!!!!

I am trying to focus on other things, and believe me I have lots to occupy my time, I actually caught myself NOT thinking about him today so its a start.

You're right I deserve someone who wants me "warts and all" as the saying goes!

Cheap Thrills!

When the fabled 'one' comes along you won't mistake it becuase they will be saying and doing everything back to you, stronger even.

You won't have to 'read between the lines' ....

Forget the Romcoms, they really do intelligent women a disservice.

Eve_Dublin

uniqueNewyork wrote: »

Thanks Ash23

I totally get where you're coming from. I am trying to move on, I wont see him as much after this week but we will have to "run" into each other occasionally. Guess the part i'm having most trouble with is all the "feelings" I had towards him so quick, so sure etc, I know its all MY own doing and nothing he did, guess I'm wondering how I'm going to trust myself and feelings in the future if "the one" does come along... sometimes I HATE BEING A GIRL!!!! too emotional!!!!!

I am trying to focus on other things, and believe me I have lots to occupy my time, I actually caught myself NOT thinking about him today so its a start.

You're right I deserve someone who wants me "warts and all" as the saying goes!

Hi OP. From my very recent experience, when so-called "feelings" come about so quickly, they usually burn out just as quickly. I was seeing a guy for a few months here...thought he was the one (or at least one of the ones) but a massive issue that kept coming up again and again made it impossible for us to keep seeing each other. I won't go into it but I'm surprised how quickly I got over him. This makes me doubt that I was ever honestly into him in the first place and like yourself, it makes me doubt my own judgement. 4 months ago I was supposedly "crazy" about this guy and now I feel nothing. I'm all about the "slow burners" in the future. This kind of mind-blowing emotion and eyes locking intensely at the initial stages is just a mixture of lust and fantasy...imagining the person is more than they could ever be.

You'll be grand OP and you'll probably have an epiphany like I did about my own whirlwind romance in a month or two down the line.

ash23

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Hi OP. From my very recent experience, when so-called "feelings" come about so quickly, they usually burn out just as quickly. I was seeing a guy for a few months here...thought he was the one (or at least one of the ones) but a massive issue that kept coming up again and again made it impossible for us to keep seeing each other. I won't go into it but I'm surprised how quickly I got over him. This makes me doubt that I was ever honestly into him in the first place and like yourself, it makes me doubt my own judgement. 4 months ago I was supposedly "crazy" about this guy and now I feel nothing. I'm all about the "slow burners" in the future. This kind of mind-blowing emotion and eyes locking intensely at the initial stages is just a mixture of lust and fantasy...imagining the person is more than they could ever be.

You'll be grand OP and you'll probably have an epiphany like I did about my own whirlwind romance in a month or two down the line.

I have to sort of agree. I was nuts about the guy I was seeing and while I still think of him, I don't feel as intensely about him as I once did. I got over him remarkably quickly.
I just assumed that it was because I was only with him a short while and was comparing it to my last break up which was very bad.

But I was pretty amazed at how quickly those feelings faded. (Though if I saw him I may be singing a different tune!) :rolleyes:

Eve_Dublin

Actually I just read my post again above and gosh, I sound very cynical! That's not to say that people who fall for someone quickly are doomed or delusional. It's just learning to differentiate between real, genuine feelings towards someone and getting swept up in a fantasy of how things will pan out in the future (settling down, kids, marriage). Maybe the ability to get over someone comes with age and experience as well. Like yourself Ash, I can spot a time waster a mile off after years of encountering many and I've no time for that nonsense anymore. I have to say I was very impressed by your thread...you handled the situation with dignity and with a lot of...eh....balls (or the female equivalent). I've also learned to take what men tell you with a pinch of salt and read between the lines. Better to be too cynical than too gullible to save yourself heartache. Or somewhere in between, ideally.