Mam

LegacyUser

It's one year since my mam died, today. Her mass is on Sunday, but this is the date it happened. I feel bad for doing anything normal.

There's a cathedral down the road from me that i've never been in, and although I'm not into organised religion, I do have many religious thoughts and beliefs so I asked my boyfriend when we went out earlier did he want to go have a look at the inside to see what it's like. He wasn't really bothered but we did. I don''t think he realises today is the day. And in a way I don't hold much regard for technicalities when it comes to caring about things (as is this being the exact date and so we should all be sad for the day) I would expect him to expect something. I know my family are thinking of it today. He asked why did I want to go in to the church, and did i want to go to a mass etc, but i'm fairly sure it hasn't clicked with him. And it really bothers me that i'll have to spell it out to him later on because he'll keep on with the questions, not taking time to work it out for himself. I feel like churches can be peaceful, and although i can't quite explain why i wanted to go in today, I would expect him not to feel he should ask. We were even having a talk about religion and things last night (nothing serious, just a chat) and I was telling him what I think is important.

I'm not going to the mass on Sunday and i was worried about telling my family, so he's helped me out with this a bit, in talking to me, and I had to deal with that yesterday. He knows the mass is on Sunday, and he knows that's not the actual date, so I don't know why he's being like this. I don't like the questions like what's up? and why are you quiet? cos i don't know what to say. I'm thinking about stuff, and I just want to be able to do this without drawing attention to it, and without having to explain why.

I feel like if I was to explain it's the anniversary he would say a) Oh ya, sorry. and then try talk to me about things, and be all huggy and things, or b) ya i know but i thought you wouldn't make a thing out of just this day itself, because like i said i generally don't.

Anyway i originally wasn't posting to explain that, I just feel like writing about the day. I don't have friends to talk to and if i did i wouldn't anyway, because it's not exactly a conversation, it's just thoughts out loud (or on a screen). I suppose I'm just looking for it to be on as many peoples minds as possible.

He's talking about what's on tv later, etc but i just feel like why is he talking about this stuff, I will probably watch tv like i normally do, but I don't want him to plan out the day like it's normal, because it means that's the way he thinks it should be.

shellyboo

I think you need to give your boyfriend a bit of a break, pet. It seems that no matter what he did - made a big deal out of it, or ignored it - it wouldn't be the right thing. And that's ok. You're understandably upset and sad, but this will pass. Don't take it out on your boyfriend in the meantime. He can't know how you feel, or even what you're thinking unless you share it with him. So if you want him to act a certain way, you need to let him know that.

Massive hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

Cheap Thrills!

Ah, I'm sorry you lost your Mam.

Don't be too hard on your BF, we all make silly mistakes, he will probably be kicking himself when he realises.

He is not a mind reader but at least has noticed something is up and probably can't say/do anything right anyway the day thats in it.

I just wanted to say I hope it gets better, I know nothing can ever be the same but you've the 4 seasons out now and you've got through that.

All the best.