Facebook friend request to BF :(

LegacyUser

I dont want to post under my usual username.

I've been seeing my boyfriend around 6 months. We're both on facebook. About 2 months ago, I was searching for a friend (who had asked me to look him up) via the email friend finder tool. So all my email contacts who are on facebook appeared, and it asked who I wanted to send a friend request to.
My boyfriend was on the list and I stupidly sent him a friend request. My problem now is that he didnt respond to it. He did say in conversation that he never uses it, but I know he gets his emails and he's never mentioned that he got a friend request from me. We're both in our late 20's (I'm 27, he's 29) so its not like we're immature. All other aspects of the relationship seem good.
I was using his lap top the other day and facebook was in his history when I went to type an address, so he must have looked it up at some point and decided to ignore my friend request. I dont want to say it to him, as I dont want to appear petty. I dont care if I'm his 'facebook friend' or not, once things are good between us in RL. But should I be put out that he hasn't accepted me?

I just wish there was some way to take back the friend request !

Bob_Latchford

facebook prob wrote: »

I dont want to appear petty

To be honest you do. Dont understand why you cant just ask him either

G-Money

I'm going to avoid discussing why you should or shouldn't be bothered about this and go to the tech details. As far as I know, you can recall a friend request. If he hasn't confirmed or ignored your request yet, if you search your friends, he will be listed with a status of Friend request pending. If you click the X it will ask if you want to cancel the friend request so click Yes. I don't know what happens if he's already clicked Ignore or whatever.

I've used that functionality myself when I notice that someone hasn't responded. For some reason I don't like the idea of my friend request sitting there for ages and they're paying no attention to it

Inari

Perhaps you sent it to an email not registered with Facebook, so he just deleted the email. Or maybe it was marked as spam or whatever. My view is FB = internet world, relationship = real world...so you can talk out your problems, and I sincerely doubt that a denied friend request is a serious problem.

LegacyUser

Your all right. I know it probably sounds petty. Its probably because I have deeper doubts about the relationship , and where its going. Im shy by nature, and I dont want to ask him about it, as i think its embarrassing that he hasn't accepted me.

I'm going to remover the friend request like advised above (thank you!!).
I think I probably have to address more pressing concerns re how he's treating me in real life too.

Thanks for advice.

krudler

I get no email alerts from facebook whatsoever about anything, switched them all off, maybe he did the same and rarely uses it so doesnt know the request is sitting there, and on a side note, who cares? its facebook! as long as you're happy in REAL LIFE then what does it matter

mobilecore

Believe it or not this can be an issue as in some cases it can be alarm bells. I know that sounds extreme but read on...

Most of the time it doesnt matter. Its only a social networking site. They might not use it that often. However, as I have seen happen it can be a sign for certain bad things. Basically, it comes down to weather or not how much your partner uses the site. If they rarely use it... there is your answer right there. they never use. However if they do regularly use it and it feels your partner is intentionally not adding you... well ....

Sometimes it is indeed one half hiding the fact they have a partner. Or even hiding who there partner is.
In cases I've seen it happen some people wont let their partner in their friends list or even list they are in a relationship. Sites like Facebook usually show alot of a persons friends circle. From close to not so close, to exs, to family members, people you work/worked with... people they may have met on a night out, people they may have met online, to even people they might be flirting with. It actually can be a "hold on, this dont feel right" situation if a person regularly uses the site and doesnt want to add their partner. Thats the thing someone regularly using the site but has an issue to not add you.

In a relationship you usually bump into your partners close friends. As I say Facebook can consist of people outside of that "close friends" list.

I think getting added is one of those things that naturally happens or it unnatually gets put on the long finger. In todays dating after a few months you'd usually expect to get added on someones facebook (if they have one and if they use it regularly) ... I know you could say its not important. However if it gets put on the backburner and someone uses the site. You have to question the logic

... sounds extreme i know. But its simple logic at the end of the day. It comes down to one of two things 1, they just never use it or 2, they are reluctant to add you because of a certain reason. Trick is figuring out why.

Squinny

Im with most others here when they say... its Facebook! It doesn’t matter. He might check it once every now and again but he might not want to be dragged into actually using it, if he starts accepting friend requests, that’s what will happen.
You need to just ask him about it in real life. If your relationship is going well other than this, then this really isn’t a problem.
My boyfriend doesn’t want to say that we're in a relationship on FB. Does that bother me? nope. Do I think that he’s having an affair with someone else because of that? No
Him not being your friend on a social networking site shouldn’t bother you so much. Remember, while you’re getting paranoid that you can’t see his profile.....he can’t see yours either, you could be cheating on him all over FB for all he knows!

LegacyUser

OP, I could be completely out by the side of it but what you just wrote sent shivers down my spine! Its all a bit too familiar for comfort. Can I ask you to even post your boyfriends initials?

LegacyUser

Thanks for replys

I agree that it is just facebook. I understand that he might not want ex's seeing me there. But its not like I want to put status in a relationship on the thing. It was only a friend request. I have decided I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I'm not going to cancel the friend request. I am his gf after all. If the topic of Facebook comes up again, I'll ask him why he didn't accept me.

2close4comfort , what use would posting his initials here? I'm a regular poster, and he knows that. His surname is M, but I really dont know what you are trying to find out. Has this happened to you?

I do not , as other posters have suggested, think this guy is facebook cheating on me. For one thing why would anyone openly cheat with thier partner on an open page.

LegacyUser

2close4comfort - are you the OPs boyfriend?

why is this situation too close?

6th

Dont go looking for peoples personal details folks.

Taltos

OP - here is yet another good reason to abandon FB and just live your life....

On a different note though - what kind of relationship do you hope to have with him if you cannot even discuss something like this? In the grand scheme of things an unanswered FB request is a blip in terms of the challenges can could come your way. If you fall at this though - what happens when something worse happens?

Whatever you decide to do with FB - at least start as you mean to go on - open and honest conversations with the person you are with. Hiding like this just breeds distrust.

Chinafoot

The issue isn't facebook, its the people using it.

If this was me, I would say to the Other Half in a messing way "Oi! I can't believe you haven't accepted my friend request, cheeky!"

I really don't understand why this is such a big deal. Why can't you just ask him why he hasn't accepted it. My boyfriend has a facebook page and he has friend requests sitting there for ages because he hardly uses it. Getting the emails means nothing. He opens the mail, says "must accept that person", deletes the mail and then forgets all about it. He ends up accepting 4 or 5 requests at a time when he finally gets round to it.

OP, I hate to say it, but if you're having this much of a panic over a friend request on facebook how will you cope when something serious actually happens in your relationship?

AnonoBoy

facebook prob wrote: »

But should I be put out that he hasn't accepted me?

No, not really. It's a website that he barely uses so most likely he just forgot about it.

sinequanon

I think that facebook and other such social networking sites can be really destructive..with my last boyfriend before we split up, I actually logged onto his bebo and accepted "my" request to be "the other half of me", (the facebook " in a relationship" equivilant!) It's because he had never accepted me as his girlfriend on it (we were on a slippery slope for a long time but I suppose I was in complete denial) ...it made me mad I and I went a bit too far and came across as needy and desparate which of course I was..the thing is I think the lines are definitely becoming blurred between fb and rl..I have stopped using fb recently for these very reasons...some ppl I know were just going crazy on it, asking why I wasn't commenting on their photos and saying how nice they look etc...also the fact that I was exposed to ppl that I had basically lost touch with over the years, and every minutae of their lives was both unneccesary and disconcerting...I don't see the importance of documenting every thought you have and every important moment of your life on it..it's crazy if you think about it logically! I agree such sites can be fun and handy for keeping in content with ppl abroad etc, but it's important to take a break from it now and again and remember what relationships and friendships were like before the advent of fb/bebo. OP, I would try and forget about your oh's ostensible rejection of you on fb as a friend. Just try and wean yourself off it for a little while, very soon you will forget about it...as you said yourself if things are going well in rl, then you should have no need for concern!
S

mood

If you have meet his friends etc it's probably not a big deal.

finbarrk

It seems to me that facebook causes more problems than anything else. Every day on here there is someone with a facebook problem.
I can't understand how mature adults can be bothered with the likes of it.

Taltos

finbarrk wrote: »

It seems to me that facebook causes more problems than anything else. Every day on here there is someone with a facebook problem.
I can't understand how mature adults can be bothered with the likes of it.

I guess it is easier than just talking to each other... Simple as.

Barracudaincork

finbarrk wrote: »

It seems to me that facebook causes more problems than anything else. Every day on here there is someone with a facebook problem.
I can't understand how mature adults can be bothered with the likes of it.

Its facebook today, 15 years ago it would of been mobile phones, 10 years ago it would of been texts, it would of also been emails at one stage, its not the technology thats the problem, its the people using it IMO.

finbarrk

Well wouldn't you think the people using it would grow up and act their age then?

Barracudaincork

finbarrk wrote: »

Well wouldn't you think the people using it would grow up and act their age then?

Depends on what you mean, from your original post you made it sound like mature adults shouldnt use Facebook, end of, but your above post makes me think you may mean that mature adults can be on Facebook aslong as they are mature about the fact it is just a website etc, if its the former I dont agree with you, if its the later then i agree.

mobilecore

mood wrote: »

If you have meet his friends etc it's probably not a big deal.

+1.
If in a relationship and you have not met any, or next to no friends of theirs then he ignores your request. Its a clear alerm bell. This is a nice way to judge things. You would not be overreacting or over-thinking. You would just be looking at the situation.

Also, it depends on how much your partner uses the site. If they use it regularly and do not accept you. Its a clear indication they dont want you on there. Next step, finding out why.

So op you say things are going good so I gather you've met his friends. People know he has a girlfriend I imagine then.

Just put the doubt on the backburner and continue on. If you find out he does indeed use the site regularly. Different story.

LeixlipRed

finbarrk wrote: »

It seems to me that facebook causes more problems than anything else. Every day on here there is someone with a facebook problem.
I can't understand how mature adults can be bothered with the likes of it.

It's pathetic tbh. If I'm completely frank OP you come across as being immature. In your post you link age to maturity yet this is the most childish personal issue I've ever come across. Grow up and live your relationship in the real world not online!

BraziliaNZ

just dont add boy/girlfriends. I didn't add my last girlfriend as I didn't want to be looking at her page all the time and getting anxious about men commenting etc. It's not worth the hassle.

kjl

has he accepted any other friends?

FB shows you when people you request accept other friends

anyway, if he was trying to hide something from you he could put you in a limited group.

sporina

I am delighted to see that there are some rational people out there with regards to FB. Some of my mates are obsessed with it and it is not healthy for some.
He may not want to accept you as a friend cos perhaps he is not sure where the relationship is going and so he does not want you as a friend when it is over. Or perhaps he is not a regular user.

But regardless - this shows that you maybe need to get real with FB - and or your FB. Be open with him - ask him if it bugs you this much. The key to a good relationship is honesty - you may not be ready to to hear the truth - but at least you will know. if you do not talk to him about this you will probably act out and cause problems anyway... best be upfront.

Danniboo

God Op, I'm actually in amazement at this post. No offence but if you didn't post your age I would have presumed you were both teenagers. I can't begin to imagine why this is an issue for you and why you can't ask your bf. As a previous poster said if it were me i'd be like "you never added me ye fecker" or something to that affect, that's if I didn't forget about it in an hour. I think you really need to grow up OP.

InchicoreDude

OP, I wouldnt worry about it. People use FB in different ways.

Person X would accept a friend request within 5 seconds
Person Y doesnt accept a friend request for months.

I know my all my requests build up and even though I might use FB regularly, I just dont bother going through the requests. Different people use it in a different way!

KillerKity

Eh, am I missing something here? For god sake if it's bothering you just ask him about it! It's amazing how FB rules our lives! My boyfriend never replys to messages I leave him (he did accept a friend request though!) when asked why he says "I couldn't be arsed replying, sure don't I see enough of you as it is!"