I want to be anorexic again.

LegacyUser

I don't remember ever being happy with life, and at the age of about 8 I started being weird about food. I gradually gave up eating various different kinds of foods until, by the age of 13, I was eating only potatoes, pasta, beans and fruit, and then only in just the minutest quantities, just enough to keep the worst hunger pangs at bay. I exercised at every opportunity, and by the age of 15 I was so thin that I couldn't even sit on a chair without putting an extra cushion on it because my bones stuck out so much and made it painful. My parents did nothing except say, "You'll make yourself ill," but they did nothing to stop my behaviour. I began passing out constantly, and my hair was falling out. The final straw was when I was 15 and was walking along the road with my mum, I passed out cold in the street and she called an ambulance. I woke up and refused to get in the ambulance but I decided that I couldn't carry on that way. My mum offered to cook pizza and chips for me that day, and I accepted.

I couldn't stop though, and began binge eating. I'm now 26 years old, this has been going on for 11 years. I weight 12 and a half stone and my family often comment on how fat I have gotten. Every day I think, "my diet will start tomorrow, so I'll eat as much as I can today," then I pig out on a ton of junk food. The next day I find an excuse not to stick to the diet and pig out, stuffing in even more food than I even want. I spend a fortune on junk food and have actually gotten into debt because of this. Then I try and undo the damage by exercising way too much. This has resulted in such severe sports injuries that on one occassion I was in a plaster cast for months from a torn achilles tendon, I've also developed such bad shin splints that some days I can hardly walk. I also have nerve damage in one leg because of this. I rarely leave the house and never go anywhere that people I know might see me because I'm so ashamed of the way I look. If I do have to leave the house, I wrap the bottom half of my face in a scarf and cover the rest up with sunglasses and a ton of makeup.

I've had counselling for this but it hasn't helped. I was also put on anti-depressants which are meant to help with eating disorders but they didn't help. I've tried weight watchers but nothing helps. I think that one of the problems is, that I'm not sure I even want to get better. Part of me dreams of being healthy and normal, but I've had this problem so long that I don't really believe that that's possible. This might sound weird but although I want to quit binge eating, I really want to get back to being anorexic again. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think it's partly because I know that my life is not going to have a happy ending, I'll never be pretty and confident and find love, get married, etc. Apart from because I'm ugly, that's also because I do not trust men, I know that deep down they are all just out for whatever they can get. So, I'd rather not get my hopes up, I'd rather accept things the way they are, but I don't want to be fat, I want to die thin. Also, I've caused so much damage to my body that it'll never be in good condition now, so why try?

I really do not enjoy life, just a quick run down of a few things, I've been raped, sexually assaulted, was a battered child, had cancer, and never had anyone in my life give me true support. There's no point telling me, "things will get better, you just need help," I've tried every bit of help on offer and nothing works. I just want to quit bingeing. I have always known that I would die through suicide, I just want to get thin first. I'm not sure why I'm writing this or what advice I really want, I just needed someone to talk to. I started university twice and dropped out. I have no job and I don't want one. I want nothing.

peekyboo

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you feel this way I really don't know what to say only can you get counselling? You have been through so so much, much more than anyone deserves to have in a lifetime.

My heart bleeds for you and I will pray for you xxx

Taltos

I know you said you had counselling - and that it did not work.

But - it really is a work in process.
Maybe try a few different counsellors.
Have you really explored all you feel with them? And I mean every single little thing.

When you carry around as much pain as you are - a few sessions here and there will not cut it - you really need intensive help and you need to commit 100% to what they suggest to you.

Maybe try again - but seek help from someone else - and if that does not work - someone else again. I know right now you are shrugging your shoulders saying it won't work - but it will - you just need to believe it will.

As to 12.5 st - wish I was that light But your weight is only just one aspect. With the battery, the rape, your self-hatred...

I know that is some jump - but just your comments about not being pretty, not finding love... You do know that you become what you project. You project someone who is confident, happy - eventually first others start to believe it - and with some work - eventually you do too. Each and every single one of us have one thing going for us - some of us it might be something as obscure as writing a blog; others it could be the photos they take - it is not all about looks and style - or lack of it.

Go to your Gp and seek a referral or goto a different GP or if you have the names of some different groups - reach out and ask - no INSIST on getting the help you deserve.

ps. some blokes are just out for themselves and for sex, but some of us are not.

nicegirl

bigfatpig wrote: »

I don't remember ever being happy with life, and at the age of about 8 I started being weird about food. I gradually gave up eating various different kinds of foods until, by the age of 13, I was eating only potatoes, pasta, beans and fruit, and then only in just the minutest quantities, just enough to keep the worst hunger pangs at bay. I exercised at every opportunity, and by the age of 15 I was so thin that I couldn't even sit on a chair without putting an extra cushion on it because my bones stuck out so much and made it painful. My parents did nothing except say, "You'll make yourself ill," but they did nothing to stop my behaviour. I began passing out constantly, and my hair was falling out. The final straw was when I was 15 and was walking along the road with my mum, I passed out cold in the street and she called an ambulance. I woke up and refused to get in the ambulance but I decided that I couldn't carry on that way. My mum offered to cook pizza and chips for me that day, and I accepted.

I couldn't stop though, and began binge eating. I'm now 26 years old, this has been going on for 11 years. I weight 12 and a half stone and my family often comment on how fat I have gotten. Every day I think, "my diet will start tomorrow, so I'll eat as much as I can today," then I pig out on a ton of junk food. The next day I find an excuse not to stick to the diet and pig out, stuffing in even more food than I even want. I spend a fortune on junk food and have actually gotten into debt because of this. Then I try and undo the damage by exercising way too much. This has resulted in such severe sports injuries that on one occassion I was in a plaster cast for months from a torn achilles tendon, I've also developed such bad shin splints that some days I can hardly walk. I also have nerve damage in one leg because of this. I rarely leave the house and never go anywhere that people I know might see me because I'm so ashamed of the way I look. If I do have to leave the house, I wrap the bottom half of my face in a scarf and cover the rest up with sunglasses and a ton of makeup.

I've had counselling for this but it hasn't helped. I was also put on anti-depressants which are meant to help with eating disorders but they didn't help. I've tried weight watchers but nothing helps. I think that one of the problems is, that I'm not sure I even want to get better. Part of me dreams of being healthy and normal, but I've had this problem so long that I don't really believe that that's possible. This might sound weird but although I want to quit binge eating, I really want to get back to being anorexic again. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think it's partly because I know that my life is not going to have a happy ending, I'll never be pretty and confident and find love, get married, etc. Apart from because I'm ugly, that's also because I do not trust men, I know that deep down they are all just out for whatever they can get. So, I'd rather not get my hopes up, I'd rather accept things the way they are, but I don't want to be fat, I want to die thin. Also, I've caused so much damage to my body that it'll never be in good condition now, so why try?

I really do not enjoy life, just a quick run down of a few things, I've been raped, sexually assaulted, was a battered child, had cancer, and never had anyone in my life give me true support. There's no point telling me, "things will get better, you just need help," I've tried every bit of help on offer and nothing works. I just want to quit bingeing. I have always known that I would die through suicide, I just want to get thin first. I'm not sure why I'm writing this or what advice I really want, I just needed someone to talk to. I started university twice and dropped out. I have no job and I don't want one. I want nothing.

My god. You poor girl. Reading your story has really shocked me, and what you have gone through, god love you. I think you should try and speak to a clinical psychologist, or psychiatrist about all that has happened in your life, and try and find another councellor. Some councellors you may not find good, but its a matter of finding one you are comfortable with, and who you find helpful.
I believe that your confidence, and self esteem are completely shattered, and the way you feel about yourself is just heart breaking. I have gone through hard periods in my own life, (Not as severe as you, but severe enough) and have also had issues with food for 10 years, and only recently found out I had an eating disorder, as mad as that may sound! What got me through some dark times in my life was I realised to myself that there has to be more to life than this, and I want to feel better, and have a better life. It is awful feeling upset, depressed for a long period of time, and not being happy in yourself, but I believe that the best way of solving it all is to accept yourself that you have problems, and accept that you want to get better, and to have a better life.
With all you have gone through in your life, I think that your family need to be so much more supportive to you, and I believe you really need that support. Maybe if you speak to a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist, they could talk to your family about how you are, what you are dealing with and how your family can support you. A psychiatrist spoke to my family before when I was in a severe state, and told them what to do, and how to help and support me. My family took the advice on board, and I got the support I needed. Sometimes our families don't understand us, and with the intervention of a professional person, it can really really help you and them in the long run.
I have gone through alot of hurt and upset in the past few years, and am now getting lots of help from family friends, and professional help, and am doing much better now. Feel free to drop me a PM, if I can help you in some way

ztoical

Your family is aware that you are anorexic yet make comments about you getting fat? OP were you actually diagnosed with anorexia or have you self diagnosed on your early eating habits? Did you make the people at weight watchers aware that you suffer from an eating disorder as they are not allowed to let people with eating disorders join. Weight Watchers is not a medical organization and cannot meet the needs of those with eating disorders. If your finding yourself in such a state and are really suicidal perhaps you should consider voluntarily committing yourself into a mental health facility.

LegacyUser

At the time that I now know that I was anorexic, my parents did not take me to the doctor and just left me to my own devices, but years later in therapy as I described this to a psychiatric nurse she said that from my symptoms and weight at the time I was definitely anorexic. I have seen loads of doctors for my problems. The GP, who referred me to the community psychiatric team, I saw a psychiatric nurse and doctor there for a while. Also the counsellors and psychiatric nurse at university. Also in my late teens I made a serious suicide attempt, was forcibly hospitalised and had to see a psychiatrist there who was totally useless. I don't want to commit myself because I never want to have treatment forced on me and be treated the horrible way I was treated in hospital again, that was one of the worst experiences in my life. I did not make the people at weight watchers aware, I just went there because I thought that maybe the support would help me stop bingeing but it did not. I really just want to get my willpower back again so that I can stop eating so much. I didn't understand about nutritin before; this time I will know to take vitamin B and iron, then I can lose a ton of weight again but not pass out all the time.

Danniboo

Hi Op,

So sorry to hear what you've gone through. You say you were abused and raped could this be what triggered the anorexia? Also did you start binging after you overcame the cancer as I know cancer patients can be very ill and lose a lot of weight(i'm sure not the case for everyone)? Sometimes it can be helpful to reflect and see what triggers certain events in your life and work on them and better ways of dealing with them. You should definitely go and see a counsellor and your GP. Pardon my ignorance but if you are saying you want to end your life by suicide, why is the weight loss of such concern. If you were to do something like this think of the hurt it would cause the people around you. Best of luck OP xxx

Inari

This Post is only targetting the desire for weight loss. If the money is available, I recommend getting a personal trainer and a dietician.

Simply exercising will not make you lose weight, it merely burns calories. After an intense workout, if you had a mars bar and an expresso, you'd have put those calories back on.

What exercising does is makes your muscles more metabollically active. Basically, it raises what's called your BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate), which is the amount of calories your need per day. This is due to you requiring more caolries to power your exercise. The muscles will also continue to burn calories for a time after the exercise, depending on the type of exercise.

So if you were to eat a proper balanced diet (remember that a diet is just your pattern of eating, so change it only for your health), and exercise regularly, you'd lose weight, feel better and gain a more toned physique. By seeing a qualified Dietician, they will review what you are eating, and look at it in depth to make sure you're getting what you need. Also, if you paired that with a personal trainer, they'll create an exercise program for you that's optimal for your goals.

Be warned...it takes time. Your body takes 6 weeks to adapt. You might even gain weight, but you'll lose inches. This is because muscle weighs more than fat, and when muscle is more metabolically active, it stores more glycogen and water.

Attempting to change too much too soon will result in failure. Make smaller changes, and if you I'd thoroguhly recommend the professionals. If you'd like I'll run through some other of this kind of stuff, but I don't want to post it all if it's not something you're interested in, as it can be a lot to take in. Ask any questions you have and I'll do my best to answer.

Inari

(Adding on to the above post)

There is a point in trying to improve your health, rather than just on how you look. Exercise releases hormones that make you feel good. With a good diet you'll have more energy, feel less tired and be more motivated. You say your body is not in good condition, but with a proper program, you could recover from injuries and in general have a healthier body.

However, you have to want the change. So far, you've had a lot of obstacles to overcome in your life...so rather than focus on the bad, look at this way; you've got past each and every one of them. That makes you strong. Strong people don't quit, and you definitely don't sound like a quitter. So make those changes in your life, and stick with it. Give it a few months and see how you feel. It really could make all the difference, and might just show you that there's more to life.

LegacyUser

I appreciate that advice, but I don't want to be healthy. I have so many health problems from the cancer that I will never be healthy anyway. I don't want to look sexy, I want to be disturbingly thin.

I know this is kind of off-topic but I am so upset right now. I dropped out of university due to serious physical and mental health problems. Even the doctor told me that I should drop out. My parents told everyone that they were really disappointed in me, but then the doctor told them that I must leave and they seemed to accept that. I should have been graduating this summer. My sister is graduating this summer. We had been talking about me, my sister, my nan and my mum going on holiday to Europe this year, paid for by my mum. It has been in the pipeline for ages and I was meant to look up plane tickets on the internet. I asked my mum just now what kind of tickets I should look for, when she said that actually, as a treat for my sister graduating, she was thinking that the holiday should be to america instead (my sister has always wanted to go there). She talked in depth about which places should be visited and made it sound great. Then I asked if my nan was going and she said no. I asked, who will look after her during that time and my mum said, "You." Really shocked, I asked, aren't I coming to america and my mum said "no, it's too expensive to pay for three people, it's a gift to your sister for graduating." I said that it wasn't my fault that I'm not graduating and my mum just looked like she was thinking "Oh god, excuses again."

I'm really hurt, why did she say that this was instead of the European trip, leading me to believe that I was invited, and then rub my face in how great it will be, only to tell me that I can't come?

They always do things like this. Whenever my mum sees someone with an unattractive body shape on TV, for example really fat legs, she'll say something like, "Her legs are just like yours," or if it's someone with a really fat ugly face she'll say, "She looks just like you."

My dad is from a middle eastern country and has 3 daughters (one of whom lives abroad and I have never met). He always makes it so obvious that he wants a son, I have always felt really unworthy for being female, plus for being currently unemployed, I feel like I don't deserve to eat or even breathe because I'm a woman and don't have a job.

When I made my suicide attempt, my mum was really ashamed and told me off, she didn't offer any sympathy and told me not to tell anyone because she didn't want the shame of people finding out. My sister said that she wished I had succeeded in killing myself, and regularly throws it back in my face, saying that she wishes I was dead. When her and my mum are sitting together and I enter the room, my sister will often say, "Get out of our house, we don't want you here!" and my mum will say nothing in my defence.

This might all sound really petty but it's just scratching the surface of what they say, and this is constant, I can never get peace from it. My mum especially uses any opportunity to upset me, for example yesterday on TV there was a girl who had committed a crime and her mum was wondering whether to keep it secret or tell, and have her daughter go to prison. My mum said, "In a situation like that, I would have you prosecuted." It's just constant, any little dig she can get in.

On my birthday my cousin made me some fairy cakes. Everyone in the family ate some, but when I ate some, my nan slagged me off in front of the wole family for eating cakes when I'm so fat.

I just feel really unwanted and really unworthy, and it's been like this my whole life. My mum will side with anyone, even total strangers, over me whenever I have ever been in dispute with anyone about anything. My mum constantly tells me that I am a financial burden and don't contribute anything to the family. She never says that to my sister even though they support her financially too. My mum and nan even constantly tell me to hurry and find myself a husband so that I can take myself off their hands. They have even offered to get my dad's family to find me a husband from abroad so that they can get rid of me.

Danniboo

bigfatpig wrote: »

I appreciate that advice, but I don't want to be healthy. I have so many health problems from the cancer that I will never be healthy anyway. I don't want to look sexy, I want to be disturbingly thin.

I know this is kind of off-topic but I am so upset right now. I dropped out of university due to serious physical and mental health problems. Even the doctor told me that I should drop out. My parents told everyone that they were really disappointed in me, but then the doctor told them that I must leave and they seemed to accept that. I should have been graduating this summer. My sister is graduating this summer. We had been talking about me, my sister, my nan and my mum going on holiday to Europe this year, paid for by my mum. It has been in the pipeline for ages and I was meant to look up plane tickets on the internet. I asked my mum just now what kind of tickets I should look for, when she said that actually, as a treat for my sister graduating, she was thinking that the holiday should be to america instead (my sister has always wanted to go there). She talked in depth about which places should be visited and made it sound great. Then I asked if my nan was going and she said no. I asked, who will look after her during that time and my mum said, "You." Really shocked, I asked, aren't I coming to america and my mum said "no, it's too expensive to pay for three people, it's a gift to your sister for graduating." I said that it wasn't my fault that I'm not graduating and my mum just looked like she was thinking "Oh god, excuses again."

I'm really hurt, why did she say that this was instead of the European trip, leading me to believe that I was invited, and then rub my face in how great it will be, only to tell me that I can't come?

They always do things like this. Whenever my mum sees someone with an unattractive body shape on TV, for example really fat legs, she'll say something like, "Her legs are just like yours," or if it's someone with a really fat ugly face she'll say, "She looks just like you."

My dad is from a middle eastern country and has 3 daughters (one of whom lives abroad and I have never met). He always makes it so obvious that he wants a son, I have always felt really unworthy for being female, plus for being currently unemployed, I feel like I don't deserve to eat or even breathe because I'm a woman and don't have a job.

When I made my suicide attempt, my mum was really ashamed and told me off, she didn't offer any sympathy and told me not to tell anyone because she didn't want the shame of people finding out. My sister said that she wished I had succeeded in killing myself, and regularly throws it back in my face, saying that she wishes I was dead. When her and my mum are sitting together and I enter the room, my sister will often say, "Get out of our house, we don't want you here!" and my mum will say nothing in my defence.

This might all sound really petty but it's just scratching the surface of what they say, and this is constant, I can never get peace from it. My mum especially uses any opportunity to upset me, for example yesterday on TV there was a girl who had committed a crime and her mum was wondering whether to keep it secret or tell, and have her daughter go to prison. My mum said, "In a situation like that, I would have you prosecuted." It's just constant, any little dig she can get in.

On my birthday my cousin made me some fairy cakes. Everyone in the family ate some, but when I ate some, my nan slagged me off in front of the wole family for eating cakes when I'm so fat.

I just feel really unwanted and really unworthy, and it's been like this my whole life. My mum will side with anyone, even total strangers, over me whenever I have ever been in dispute with anyone about anything. My mum constantly tells me that I am a financial burden and don't contribute anything to the family. She never says that to my sister even though they support her financially too. My mum and nan even constantly tell me to hurry and find myself a husband so that I can take myself off their hands. They have even offered to get my dad's family to find me a husband from abroad so that they can get rid of me.

OP I know this is probably a little irrelevant and insignificant but did you not lose a lot of weight during your cancer treatment? Also does your mum,sis, nan etc know about the rape, sexual abuse, cancer etc? Did you attempt suicide after you beat the cancer, would this be why your mum is angry with you. Sorry for all the questions but I can't understand how someones parent could be so cruel to a young girl who has been through so much. What height are you are you really fat, or are your family just slagging because you used to be so slight or maybe you are still very slight and think you're overweight. I really can't get my head around this one. You say you don't want to be healthy but disturbingly thin well no one on here is going to give you advice to do that if that's what you're looking for. Have you gone to the police about the sexual assault etc?

duracell_bunny

Oh God. I don't really have any advice for you as I can't imagine living in that situation. I really feel for you. Maybe others can give better advice but I'd say that you need to get out of that place somehow before you can begin to get better (I know you say you don't want to be healthy etc. but I'd say that might all change if you weren't living in such a toxic situation).

LegacyUser

The anorexia was from the ages of 13-15. The bingeing started after that. The suicide attempt was at age 17, the cancer at age 18. The rape was at 20 and the sexual assault just last year, so I don't think the eating has anything to do with that. I'm 5ft 6ins, so not morbidly obese or anything, it's just a big difference from how I used to be. I think my unhappiness started at birth really. I always hated living with my parents and wanted to run away. My dad beat me, so badly that my mum would be standing over him begging him to stop. He never treated my sister that way. My mum was constantly threatening to leave us or give me away, once she made me pack my bags and drove me to what she said was a childrens' home, so that I really believed I was being given away. I was actually disappointed when I realised that it was a trick. Sometimes my mum would leave, saying that she was never coming back, and would leave me and my sister home alone for hours, once she left us for so long that we believed she was never coming back, and we called our grandparents to come and take care of us. But my mum was just hiding outside to trick us the whole time.

LegacyUser

btw no my family don't know about the rape or the sexual assault and I will not tell them. The police investigated the assault but did not find the culprits. The police are useless, I live in a rough area and was once beaten by a gang of boys in the street so badly that I had to go to hospital, even though they found out where 2 of the boys lived the police wouldn't do anything as each boy blamed another and it was too much trouble for them to investigate properly. So I won't humiliate myself by reporting the rape when I know justice will almost certainly not be done.

I didn't really lose any noticeable weight during the cancer treatment. My mum has always been angry with me, I was a sick baby who spent a month in intensive care after being born and she never bonded with me properly. I think my dad was disappointed to have another daughter, and a sick one at that.

Danniboo

So this has been going on even longer than you stated in your first post. OP you are not fat, if anything a few pounds overweight at worst, but not fat. You need to get that out of your head. You need to report the rape and maybe tell your mum. You are 26 you need to get out of this house, you should be entitled to rent allowance if you're not working. Try and find a job. You'll never be able to get your life on track while you live there. Go and see a specialist in eating disorders also. Your parents sound like complete monsters to be honest. You need to start looking after yourself OP.

beks101

OP you need to get out of that house, and pronto. Families should be a well of support, especially during times of crisis (and you life seems to have been a series of crises) and your family has failed at every hurdle, pushing you further into depression.

You have had a life beyond any level of misery that most of us can comprehend, but you are 26 years old and now is the time to take responsibility for yourself and your life. I say this in no way to belittle or patronise, as clearly you have been living an absolute nightmare, which I can't even begin to comprehend - but you are an adult now and the time has come to stop allowing yourself to be a victim.
You will need a lot of intensive, long-term professional treatment to begin to heal. You will need to be brave and resourceful to find a way to get out of that house, get the professional help you need, stop the pattern of self abuse, develop new coping mechanisms, prioritise your physical health and start a new life for yourself.
But guess what? It has been done before, many many times. The human condition is remarkably resilient and if you so choose, the fight for survival will be the making of you. But you have to choose not to give up.

And you don't want to be anorexic again. You want to self-destruct because it's the only thing you know. You want to disappear. Anorexia at least gives you the feeling of self control in an otherwise chaotic and ****ed up world. It makes living a little more bearable because you are 'skinny' i.e 'acceptable', 'numbed' to life around you, and equally makes you want to die because life is simply not worth living that way. This has been a life-long coping mechanism for you so it's not going to disappear without a lot of therapy and a lot of love and respect for yourself.

You are NOT fat and useless and a failure and a disappointment and all of those things that your family and your internal voice is telling you you are. You are a human being with needs and wants, who has been severely wronged in so many ways, and you are as entitled to love and respect and happiness as the next person. Why wouldn't you be?

Please don't give up on yourself. Do what you need to do - keep posting here, keeping venting it out of you, even that is a step forward. PM me, or one of the other posters on this thread. Start writing in a journal. Go for a walk in the fresh air every day, in the park, on a beach. Start painting. Buy an mp3 player and listen to some of your favourite music. Baby steps. Fight for yourself. Things can only go up from here.

Danniboo

beks101 wrote: »

OP you need to get out of that house, and pronto. Families should be a well of support, especially during times of crisis (and you life seems to have been a series of crises) and your family has failed at every hurdle, pushing you further into depression.

You have had a life beyond any level of misery that most of us can comprehend, but you are 26 years old and now is the time to take responsibility for yourself and your life. I say this in no way to belittle or patronise, as clearly you have been living an absolute nightmare, which I can't even begin to comprehend - but you are an adult now and the time has come to stop allowing yourself to be a victim.
You will need a lot of intensive, long-term professional treatment to begin to heal. You will need to be brave and resourceful to find a way to get out of that house, get the professional help you need, stop the pattern of self abuse, develop new coping mechanisms, prioritise your physical health and start a new life for yourself.
But guess what? It has been done before, many many times. The human condition is remarkably resilient and if you so choose, the fight for survival will be the making of you. But you have to choose not to give up.

And you don't want to be anorexic again. You want to self-destruct because it's the only thing you know. You want to disappear. Anorexia at least gives you the feeling of self control in an otherwise chaotic and ****ed up world. It makes living a little more bearable because you are 'skinny' i.e 'acceptable', 'numbed' to life around you, and equally makes you want to die because life is simply not worth living that way. This has been a life-long coping mechanism for you so it's not going to disappear without a lot of therapy and a lot of love and respect for yourself.

You are NOT fat and useless and a failure and a disappointment and all of those things that your family and your internal voice is telling you you are. You are a human being with needs and wants, who has been severely wronged in so many ways, and you are as entitled to love and respect and happiness as the next person. Why wouldn't you be?

Please don't give up on yourself. Do what you need to do - keep posting here, keeping venting it out of you, even that is a step forward. PM me, or one of the other posters on this thread. Start writing in a journal. Go for a walk in the fresh air every day, in the park, on a beach. Start painting. Buy an mp3 player and listen to some of your favourite music. Baby steps. Fight for yourself. Things can only go up from here.

Excellent advice, listen to this lady OP.

duracell_bunny

beks101 wrote: »

you don't want to be anorexic again. You want to self-destruct because it's the only thing you know. Fight for yourself. .

That's what my post above is trying to say - just in a very long and messy way (you posted up while I was typing mine)

ztoical

Bigfatpig wrote: »

Also in my late teens I made a serious suicide attempt, was forcibly hospitalised and had to see a psychiatrist there who was totally useless. I don't want to commit myself because I never want to have treatment forced on me and be treated the horrible way I was treated in hospital again, that was one of the worst experiences in my life.

There is a huge difference between being involuntarily committed and voluntarily committing oneself. You can not be forced to take medication or treatment if you don't want it. Frankly OP you need to want to help yourself which going on your posts you don't seem to ready to do yet. The doctors, the nurses, the police all useless according to you...you would have dealt with several different health care professionals with all these different events and while I'd buy one or even two not helping I don't buy you haven't found one health care professional that helped. A doctor would tell you to "leave school" they would have recommended you take some time out and maybe come back to the course the following year but not tell you to just leave.

I'm going to be the horrible person on this thread and say there is something not adding up about the time line of events you claim has happened. What type of cancer did you have? What treatment did you have for it? Live in a rough area but mother is paying for a graduation present of a trip to the states for your sister? Not totally out there granted but in this current climate? Father is now middle eastern and chance of an arranged marriage? Frankly it's all getting a little far fetched now.

If any of what you claim to have happened is true then leave. Go to a womens shelter, sort assistants from the health board....if you've really attempted suicide and have an eating disorder then you'll be able to claim disability until your ready to work or go back to school.

Bigfatpig wrote: »

I did not make the people at weight watchers aware, I just went there because I thought that maybe the support would help me stop bingeing but it did not.

Well of course they didn't as already said Weight Watchers is not a medical organization and cannot meet the needs of those with eating disorders. They make this very clear in their literature and when you join. People with eating disorders need to speak with people trained in dealing with the disorder.

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

A doctor would tell you to "leave school" they would have recommended you take some time out and maybe come back to the course the following year but not tell you to just leave.

I'm going to be the horrible person on this thread and say there is something not adding up about the time line of events you claim has happened. What type of cancer did you have? What treatment did you have for it? Live in a rough area but mother is paying for a graduation present of a trip to the states for your sister? Not totally out there granted but in this current climate? Father is now middle eastern and chance of an arranged marriage? Frankly it's all getting a little far fetched now.

If any of what you claim to have happened is true then leave. Go to a womens shelter, sort assistants from the health board....if you've really attempted suicide and have an eating disorder then you'll be able to claim disability until your ready to work or go back to school.

Don't believe it then. The doctor told me to leave university because I told him that I was ready to commit suicide rather than carry on with it as I did not want to be there and was only there because of the pressure put on me by my parents. He sent me to the community mental health team and the psychiatric nurse said that I should definitely leave.
I had thyroid cancer, resulting in a thyroidectomy, radioactive iodine treatment and I now take thyroxine for life which causes side effects when the dosage is not right, which is often.
What is unbelievable about living in a rough area but going on holiday? People do that all the time. I told you my mother is claiming that she cannot afford for me to go on holiday as well. There's alot of crime in my area, it doesn't mean that everyone who lives here is destitute and living off baked beans.
I never said that there is a chance of an arranged marriage, I said that that is what my mother and grandmother have tried to talk me into. There is no chance of it because I won't accept.
Whether you believe it or not is your business. If you believe that someone can't have that many things go wrong for them then count yourself lucky.

Nevyn

You dont' want to be that thin, you want to feel in control of your life and to stop family making hurtful remarks. You could magically loose 3 stone over night and they would find a reason to make smart remarks.

The control you want, you can have but you need to start standing up for yourself.
IF you home enviroment is that toxic then work towards leaving it.

ztoical

bigfatpig wrote: »

Don't believe it then. The doctor told me to leave university because I told him that I was ready to commit suicide rather than carry on with it as I did not want to be there and was only there because of the pressure put on me by my parents.

I seriously doubt a doctor told you to just leave, if they really felt you were a danger to yourself they would have to report it and offer you treatment or be done for malpractice. The treatment you've been offered is not useless you just don't want to deal with it, the treatment for eating disorders like drug abuse only work if the person suffering wants to be helped. Your clearly not at that stage.

When being treated for Thyroid Cancer what mention was made of treatment for your eating disorder. Thyroid problems are common in people with eating disorders – especially in those with anorexia nervosa and it should have effected the treatment you got. Unless like with Weight Watchers you didn't make them aware of the illness. You'll get the correct treatment for your illness if your up front and honest about the condition you suffer from.

bigfatpig wrote: »

If you believe that someone can't have that many things go wrong for them then count yourself lucky.

OP Heather West had a better home life then you claim to have. As others have said if the situation is really as you say then leave, go to a womens shelter, talk to the health board and sort disability to live on while you get treatment and then you can find work or go back to school.

Reflector

Hi OP,
There are a lot of problems here, I think primarily you need to work on your self esteem and learn to love yourself. this is the most important step because after you do this it may not seem as daunting a task to take control of other aspects of your life like your eating disorder. Counselling can help even if you have tried it before not all are the same and you may need to find the right one.
I hope that you can overcome these issues and 12.5 stone does not sound too bad.

daveo90

I must say I admire you for sticking up with your family,beating cancer and other illness.

Your a strong sounding woman!

I know you say you want to be anorexic , but fack that!

I was the opposite when I was younger, very fat and stupid , Im now very toned and have a degree. I would sit when I was younger hearing people put me down just like you........and you know what I did!!

I worked my arse off just to sicken everyone else who said I was fat and stupid!

Let your sister go off to America! These people want to see you get hurt and just talk about it , dont give them the pleasure!!!!!!!


When you are in a good mood do they try to pull you back down??? (I bet they do)

Danniboo

bigfatpig wrote: »

Don't believe it then. The doctor told me to leave university because I told him that I was ready to commit suicide rather than carry on with it as I did not want to be there and was only there because of the pressure put on me by my parents. He sent me to the community mental health team and the psychiatric nurse said that I should definitely leave.
I had thyroid cancer, resulting in a thyroidectomy, radioactive iodine treatment and I now take thyroxine for life which causes side effects when the dosage is not right, which is often.
What is unbelievable about living in a rough area but going on holiday? People do that all the time. I told you my mother is claiming that she cannot afford for me to go on holiday as well. There's alot of crime in my area, it doesn't mean that everyone who lives here is destitute and living off baked beans.
I never said that there is a chance of an arranged marriage, I said that that is what my mother and grandmother have tried to talk me into. There is no chance of it because I won't accept.
Whether you believe it or not is your business. If you believe that someone can't have that many things go wrong for them then count yourself lucky.

OP would I be correct in saying that the meds your on for your thyroid make your thryoid slightly underactive which could explain why you've gained a little weight. Also underactive thyroids can contribute to depression.Also you say you left university due to being suicidal because of the amount of pressure your parents were putting on you, but when you left you tried to commit suicide so there's a lot more to it than just pressue OP. I also think you should change your username, YOU are NOT a BIGFATPIG!!!

neuro-praxis

You are suffering severe eating distress. This is not your fault but you can do something about it.

Give the Marino Therapy Centre a ring (or an email) - they are wonderful compassionate therapists who are recovered bulimics, anorexics and binge eaters themselves. They also have a nutritionist and GP on staff.

Even if you are not living near there, they can offer you advice on the best way to get help.

Please ignore the advice about getting a dietician and personal trainer. You are very emotionally ill and that needs to be addressed before anything else.

Recovery is 100% possible for you. Good luck. x

nicegirl

Having read other people's advice, and the OP's posts as well, I do understand where she is coming from. I have a mother who from day one has constantly put me down, and a father who was never there when I was growing up, only until 2005, when I was in a fairly serious state myself, and told him to stay at home, and only since then have I got to know my dad, who thankfully I am very close to. Because of the way my mother treated me when I was growing up I developed anxiety, depression, and as I said before I have had issues with food for 10 years, and only recently have been told I have an eating disorder. I have to say it is really incrediable the influence our mothers have on us, and how they shape us as people, and how we progress further in life ourselves. (If only they knew the influence they had on us, and how it can be so destructive to us in the long run, when we are treated badly from day one, and told we are nothing but useless). In spite of all that, as "daveo90" above said I set out to in my Leaving Cert year to prove my mother wrong. I worked hard in my Leaving Cert year, and got a place in college, and the course I wanted to do. I moved to Dublin, and was away from her, and her terrible influence over me, and I was out on my own, at last! I did well in my first year, in my second year, I had to repeat 2 exams in the Summer. I was at home that Summer, and my mother drove me absolutely mad. She put huge pressure on me again, saying if I didn't pass my exams (The repeats) she would not send me back to college (As my parents had to provide me with a certain amont of financial support for college, even though I worked myself). That Summer, she told me EVERY day I was useless, I was going to fail, and would be a laughing stock. My dad was working abroad, and she was telling him on the phone I was not studying and was going to fail. I told him I was studying etc. That Summer because of her, my anxiety and depression was sky high, couldn't eat properly, couldn't sleep. I was really pale and unwell, and because of this then, she thought I was on drugs....and got awful abuse cos she thought that as well. In spite of that Summer of hell, I did study, did my exams, got my results and doubled in my marks, as again I set out to prove her wrong and I did! I spoke to my dad and told him what I had to put up with over the Summer with her, and said drove me to distraction. He agreed with me saying she was very wrong to have done all of that, when I had obviously studied, and doubled in my marks! Got through college, started working, then in 2005 had a serious breakdown, ended up in hospital, my dad was there at this time. I begged him not to go away again, and he didn't cos he could see I was unwell. That Summer ended up in hospital again with a neurological problem, had to get a lumber puncture done. My mother said she would be there to help me through it, and guess what, she never turned up, had to go through that by myself. Have suffered with the neurological problem since then, and it appears to be getting worse rather than better as time goes on. My mother has shouted at me, and given me awful abuse cos I of what I have, and how the doctors can't get a diagnosis etc, when all of this is NOT my fault. Thankfully my dad is more understanding, and never gives me the level of abuse she has given me over the years. I have had problems at work because of what I have, again not my fault, and what I suffer with, and now taking my employer to court cos of the horrific way I have been treated.
Sorry I have wrote such a long post, but the point of what I am trying to say is our mothers can have such a powerful influence over us, as the OP well knows. And as for doctors, OP my advice is keep SHOUTTING at them until you get PROPER help, cos I know all about how absolutely useless and incompetant they are. My self esteam has been absolutely destroyed over the years by my mother, and has had a major effect on my life, but I fought back, and proved her wrong at every step of the way. The past while I have got better in myself, realised I do have problems, and am now getting professional help, cos I realised myself I NEED help. There are many posters here who have said to get help from professionals etc, leave living with your mother etc, BUT they may as well be talking to the wall if YOU cannot realise it all yourself, and that is the first most important step in you healing yourself, and getting a better life for YOU. From my experience of all of this, it is similar in a way to an alcoholic. Many people would tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, go to AA etc, and they may as well be talking to the wall, cos the ONLY way of getting out of alcoholism is to realise YOURSELF you have had enough of it, and YOU genuinely want to get better. The same applies to your situation. If you can realise yourself that you are NOT fat, you are a person who deserves happiness, education, and are worthy and deserve love, then getting the professional help you get and need will be easier, and because you yourself WANT to get better you will work better with the doctors and professional people, and REALLY take their advice etc on board. I hope my very long story above, of how I suffer with anxiety and depression, and eating disorder, a terrible employer, and a mother who has effected me so badly in my life, but I have fought back in the past and proven her wrong, and am now taking care of myself, getting ALL my problems sorted because like you I deserve better, and I deserve to have a better future for ME. I hope this helps you in some way, and I hope I am getting my point across to you. Like I said before drop me a PM if you would like a chat.