Men who are socially inept & addicted to Internet dating

LegacyUser

Sorry for the rant here.

I'm 37 and decided to sign up to internet dating as a bit of a last resort and to help me get back on the dating scene - just out of a long term relationship.

But what is it about men of a certain age?

Anyway, I was out Saturday night after the Rugby and was meant to meet a guy I had been chatting to on a dating site, long story short the battery went dead on my phone at about 1am. Anyway, I was out having a good time and then the guy I was meant to meet happened to be standing at the same table I was at. I was with a group of Scottish men, after the match, but once i saw the guy I went over introduced myself and asked if he was John. He immediately blanked me and said no he wasn't. He was chatting to another girl at the time so I thought to myself no big deal, but Then I get a few txts from him in the middle of the night asking me what was I playing at not responding to his txts.

Anyway I responded to his txts on Sunday where he apologised for blanking me. His excuse for blanking me was that I was much more atractive in the flesh and looked a lot younger so he didnt recognise me???? Not ture...I loook the same in my pic as I do in real life and I am the same age as he is. Anyway I arranged to meet him tonight (monday) as I am all for giving a person a chance etc. He sent me a txt half an hour before we were meant to meet asking was the bar on a certain street. And then when I was in the bar he texted to say he would be 10 mins late. He ended up being 20 mins late so I was sitting in the bar like a fool by myself waiting for him. He arrived, said to me u don't need a drink so he got his own drink - sat down, never apologised for being late and when I said that he should have called as I felt like a fool sitting in the bar by myself he just got up and left. Honestly ther was no need for it. Surely at this age a man can handle himself and apologise or pass something off as a joke and diffuse the situation.

I honestly think men this age are afraid of successful attractive women. Why is that? Has anyone else experienced this and where are the decent guys that were brought up with some manners? Are all the guys on these dating sites socially inept and hide behind their profiles?

Victor

I wouldn't overly worry about someone being 10-20 minutes late, but if he has honesty issues, I'd just ignore him and move on.

BumbleB

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date.


Seriously though if a man is late for a date he really isn't that enthused for whatever reason.The other end of the stick is Dates can be difficult for some people too.Every man in the world knows that no girl likes to be left on their own in a pub.
Go by the rule of three . One more chance.;)

Ickle Magoo

Lots of men and women are socially inept and I'd imagine that very infliction would result in a higher percentage of such people still being on the dating circuit.

Would the fact he blanked you then gave such crazy reason's not be ringing enough alarm bells that his 20min late entry and one man round shouldn't really have been a surprise? He sounds like a complete plonker, I'd have drawn a line under it when he ignored you because he was chatting up someone else & gave such an outrageous as not recognising you, even though you knew his name & were in the bar you were supposed to be meeting him in - who else were you going to be?! :rolleyes:

Chalk it up to experience and move on, gotta kiss a lot of frogs & all that - don't give up hope, there's a lot of lovely guys out there too.

Best of luck

BumbleB

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Lots of men and women are socially inept.

I wouldn't say he's that ,in fact he reminds me of me when I was 17 .Messing girls heads around big time .;)

Phlann

Um... I would be of the opinion that if they're dating on the internet, they're probably not that good with women anyway, regardless of age.

If you want somebody who's well-adjusted, I'd suggest meeting them via a less anti-social medium. Speed-dating or singles nights or something. Most of these internet geeks would never pluck up the balls to go to something like speed-dating, so you'd have a better chance of meeting somebody who's outgoing and confident.

That's just in general though, there are exceptions to every rule...

Ickle Magoo

BumbleB wrote: »

I wouldn't say he's that ,in fact he reminds me of me when I was 17 .Messing girls heads around big time .;)

She's 37, I doubt he's 17 - if he's 17 acting like a 17yr old, fair enough...if he's still acting like a 17 yr old when he's in his 30's around women, then he's a muppet and certainly socially inept.

Cunsiderthis

Phlann wrote: »

Um... I would be of the opinion that if they're dating on the internet, they're probably not that good with women anyway, regardless of age.

If you want somebody who's well-adjusted, I'd suggest meeting them via a less anti-social medium. Speed-dating or singles nights or something. Most of these internet geeks would never pluck up the balls to go to something like speed-dating, so you'd have a better chance of meeting somebody who's outgoing and confident.

That's just in general though, there are exceptions to every rule...

The internet is just one more way to meet other people. To deduce that , if someone is using the internet as one way to meet others, then they are "probably not that good with women" is silly and illogical.

There are may ways to meet the opposite sex, and the internet is just one of them. "Most of these internet geeks" seems a little ironic for someone to say, of others, on an internet message boards site!

To find someone of the opposite sex, one has to use every means possible. the internet is just one way of making contact initially, just like speed dating, or dinner parties, or cocktail parties, or dating agencies, or meeting in a myriad of other ways. Use them wisely, and you'll probably succeed to find someone wonderful, and ignore those whose advice tells you otherwise.

LegacyUser

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Sorry for the rant here.

I'm 37 and decided to sign up to internet dating as a bit of a last resort and to help me get back on the dating scene - just out of a long term relationship.

Ok, first and foremost. You are in your 30's, just out of a long term relationship. Few tip offs. Dating in ones 30's is a WORLD APART from dating in ones 20's. Single fairly normal or ewell adjusted men are like HENS TEETH. Weirdos.....everywhere.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Anyway, I was out Saturday night after the Rugby and was meant to meet a guy I had been chatting to on a dating site, long story short the battery went dead on my phone at about 1am. Anyway, I was out having a good time and then the guy I was meant to meet happened to be standing at the same table I was at. I was with a group of Scottish men, after the match, but once i saw the guy I went over introduced myself and asked if he was John. He immediately blanked me and said no he wasn't. He was chatting to another girl at the time so I thought to myself no big deal

He blanked you in public and you thought 'no big deal' .....that was an instant red card offence, no going back for seconds there. You should have refused to entertain him after that disgraceful incident.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

but Then I get a few txts from him in the middle of the night asking me what was I playing at not responding to his txts.

Delete, delete, delete.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Anyway I responded to his txts on Sunday where he apologised for blanking me. His excuse for blanking me was that I was much more atractive in the flesh and looked a lot younger so he didnt recognise me????

No offense OP but even if you are Eva Mendes, there was NO COMING BACK from what he did and secondly his excuse was a very transparent ruse to flatter you into forgiving him. You should have seen through that straight away.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Anyway I arranged to meet him tonight (monday) as I am all for giving a person a chance etc. He sent me a txt half an hour before we were meant to meet asking was the bar on a certain street. And then when I was in the bar he texted to say he would be 10 mins late. He ended up being 20 mins late so I was sitting in the bar like a fool by myself waiting for him.

Sitting in a bar by yourself is something you are going to have to embrace as normal. 10 or 20 minutes late is no big thing.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

He arrived, said to me u don't need a drink so he got his own drink

Bad sign, meanness.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

sat down, never apologised for being late and when I said that he should have called as I felt like a fool sitting in the bar by myself he just got up and left.

OP, you are at the same time over valuing and under valuing yourself. You picked a silly battle (the lateness) but excused him blanking you (he didn't like the look of you from the get-go).....it makes no sense. You behaved like a girlfriend to someone you only met nagging him for YOU feeling like a fool sitting in a pub. You need to get over the expectation that dates will treat you like a long term boyfriend.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Honestly ther was no need for it. Surely at this age a man can handle himself and apologise or pass something off as a joke and diffuse the situation.

Surely but no, In my experience the men you meet in their mid late 30's are pretty spoilt and deluded. The same way a certain kind of woman thinks she is living in Sex and the City, half of these blokes read a lot into the lad/porn culture and think they are Gods gift and are proud to punish any woman they see who might be 'getting out of her box'

You might think you hold some power but even the most socially inept bad catch of a man acts picky and choosy and arrogant with a woman in her late 30's. In thier brains they see you as desperate to 'settle down' and have a baby as soon as possible and they delight in punishing or humiliating women of this age.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

I honestly think men this age are afraid of successful attractive women. Why is that?

That is a populist cliche. Men are not at all afraid of 'successful attractive women' -that is a line churned out by women of our age (mid late 30's) who were last single in their 20's and can't believe/accept their stock has fallen and they are no longer holding all the power they did 10 years ago. And how men will punish them for that attitude.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Has anyone else experienced this and where are the decent guys that were brought up with some manners? Are all the guys on these dating sites socially inept and hide behind their profiles?

Yes, you have a lot to learn. Decent guys with manners. Never met any in their 30's, sorry to say. I find that women in their 30's can be ok, men in their 30's not so good. Many on dating websites are socially inept yes I'm afraid so. I ended up meeting a fella in his late 20's which was a lot better, much more normal in outlook.

I found men in their 30's were bitter after spending their 20's being rejected by women who at that age held all the power, by the time they reach their 30's they want to turn the tables and can be quite nasty and dismissive of any woman they perceive as 'uppity'

Eve_Dublin

Chalk this down to experience OP. This is one guy out of many and I'd say most guys would find success and attractiveness two very appealing traits in a woman. I know you're obviously peed off and it makes it easier to deal with tis frustrating situation if you generalise about men "of a certain age" but you're doing yourself no favours by doing this. Not having a go out at you at all, I just don't see a point in creating this "us and them" scenario between the sexes. It will only make you bitter in the long term and prevent you from spotting the good guys and missing out on a great opportunity.


I don't really understand why you met this guy after he acted so weirdly/rudely in that pub that night?? Good guys or even sane guys don't carry on that way. You know for the next time and you'll have your wits about you...if you feel it in your gut that something is up, then there probably is. This is only one guy out of thousands though. As Ickle Magoo said, plenty of lovely men in their late 30s out there.

Go-Go-Gadget

Just be careful, the mentality of many men in online dating is "cheap fun". Not to say this is always the case.

This guy in particular seems to be trouble already, ignore him and move on.

Bob_Latchford

ask yourself what you saw in this man that you wanted to get to know him better? And continued after you had met him and been brushed off.

krudler

Well tbh what did you expect? that every man who does online dating is a perfect gentleman? there are a lot of crazy people out there, of course people who date online are somewhat socially inept or lack some kind of confidence, if that wasnt an issue they'd be out meeting people in person rather than on a computer. Some people just find it much easier to chat via email or texts than in person. You said yourself that you tried online dating as a "last resort", sounds to me like you just couldnt be bothered finding someone in a social environment and now you dont like the fact the first person who you met turned out to be a dickhead

Miss Fluff

krudler wrote: »

of course people who date online are somewhat socially inept or lack some kind of confidence

I don't agree. What about people who have busy lives? Or who don't fancy their chances of meeting someone in the pub? Or who are attractive, funny and bright and have a sh1t-load going for them and are merely using online as another means of meeting a potential partner? So many people I know are online dating (myself included) and have had tremendous fun from it. Sure there are weirdos/socially inept people/people with issues on these sites but I don't think the aforementioned are solely confined to dating websites, I think you find them in every walk of life, virtual and real, don't you?

pickarooney

I don't understand why it's a big deal that he was late seeing as he texted to tell you he would be, or that he didn't buy you a drink when you already had one. Then you have a go at him for not calling - I wouldn't be surprised that he cut his losses after the previous night when you didn't show up until 1AM after spending the evening out without him, by which stage he was, understandably, chatting up someone else.

You sound fairly high-maintenance, to be honest.

2manyconditions

Well correct me if Im wrong but you were supposed to meet him and your phone went dead so it appeared as if you were ignoring his text messages to meet up on the first evening, that of the rugby night.

If that is the case - he didn't get a very good impression of you from the get go.

You meet him in a pub while he's chatting up a gal obviously he'll say I don't know you - hes on the pull.

As for the date ya he was late granted - but he did text to say he was going to be late, and you live in Ireland - you should know like every one knows 10 mins is usually half an hour maybe even an hour (it is with me) so that means he was on time at least. If your uncomfortable in a pub by yourself you could always leave go for a walk or a bite to eat and ask him to text when he arrives where you could be a further 10 mins late for effect.

Look your prob better off if your not happy, but keep your phone topped up on juice and this should eleviate all probs with situations like this one in the future.

Good luck anyways, hope you don't meet too many frogs before that prince

Liam Byrne

He sounds like a muppet, but to be fair you sound like you've got a few preconceived ideas too ?

Reluctant dater wrote: »

But what is it about men of a certain age?

Why judge all "men of a certain age" based on one muppet ?

Reluctant dater wrote: »

I honestly think men this age are afraid of successful attractive women. Why is that? Has anyone else experienced this and where are the decent guys that were brought up with some manners?

Again, a major jump in your opinion if based solely on this one guy.....without being rude, it does seem like you've got a bit of a prejudice or chip-on-shoulder in there somewhere.

There are muppets everywhere - of both sexes - and they are in pubs, or on dating sites, and everywhere else. Generalising or having preconceived notions won't help you meet the decent ones.

Reluctant dater wrote: »

Are all the guys on these dating sites socially inept and hide behind their profiles?

They're on the same dating site as you.......why are they pathetic and you not ? Do you "hide behind your profile" ?

I'm trying to make a few points and make you think about them - without sounding like I'm picking on you or being rude - but even your username implies that you're not really into dating ?

So why bother ?

Grawns

I have a female friend who signed up for friends.com. She subsequently ended up sharing an apartment with another girl. It turned out they had both been out with the some of same losers on the site. When they checked a year or so later, said losers were still doing the rounds.

Sane, well adjusted men generally don't frequent dating sites. Take up sailing or tag rugby and you'll meet plenty of men.

Liam Byrne

Grawns wrote: »

Sane, well adjusted men generally don't frequent dating sites.

What does that say about the women that are on them ? Is it only the men who are not sane and not well-adjusted ?

LegacyUser

Reluctant dater wrote: »

...where are the decent guys that were brought up with some manners?

As one of the decent guys with some manners, I have been on various dating websites for a long time now, and I find most women completely ignore the chatty, friendly, light hearted introductory messages I send. While there are plenty of messers and weirdos, I don't believe at all that there are any shortage of decent, mannerly guys who won't treat women as badly as this example. But women in their 30s seem to set the bar far too high. Nothing less than George Clooney or Antonio Banderas will do, otherwise they won't even reply to you, to find out if you might be one of those decent guys that are like hen's teeth. When they meet a jerk like above, it justifies their belief that all guys are like that, and so they hold out for a non existent, unrealistic ideal of meeting a Hollywood caricature of the ideal modern man. The genuine nice guys are never given a chance.

Out of dozens of messages sent just since January, not ONE reply. Jesus, I'm not that bad looking.

Miss Fluff

George_C_Looney wrote: »

Out of dozens of messages sent just since January, not ONE reply. Jesus, I'm not that bad looking.

From the other side of it though, if you're one of the gazillions of men on any of the websites sending out the one generic message "dozens" of times then it will come across as obvious to the recipient. Not saying at all you are doing that but if you don't customise a message and make it personal to the girl then it will lessen your chances imho....

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

From the other side of it though, if you're one of the gazillions of men on any of the websites sending out the one generic message "dozens" of times then it will come across as obvious to the recipient. Not saying at all you are doing that but if you don't customise a message and make it personal to the girl then it will lessen your chances imho....

Every single lady I contact gets a fully personalised message based specifically on their own particular profile. I can spend twenty minutes sometimes drafting an interesting and light hearted approach, and yet all I get in return is silence. So it has little to do with sending generic messages. Whatever message you send, you get ignored either way. As far as I can see, the guy has to do all the running, while the women simply sit back and complain. I understand fully what you DON'T want, that's plainly obvious. But what DO you want? Because I'm tired writing and writing and rewriting, trying every approach under the sun, and being routinely ignored.

Miss Fluff

George_C_Looney wrote: »

Whatever message you send, you get ignored either way

Sorry to hear that. I'd say PM me with a typical message so I could give you an honest appraisal but that is strictly banned on PI so I won't. Just keep the faith I guess.........

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks to everyone for replying. I was just having a bit of a rant last night as I seem to have met a few people who had very little social skills on this site.

I should also clarify Saturday night was not a date, I was out with friends, he was out with friends and he sent me a message to see if we could meet and say hi when we were in the same bar. We hadn't arranged to meet as a date so I hadn't stood him up or anything like that. It had been a long day so I put his blanking me down to drinking. I had been chatting to him for a long time via txt and calls prior to that, and all the texts before that were nice and a bit of craic that is why I said I would give him a second chance. I'm a friendly open sort of girl.

As for being high maintenance I'm not. But I was a bit annoyed that he was late last night as he knew I lived around the corner from the bar so a quick call would have meant I would have stayed put until he was on his way. He had said to me before he met that he had been 'an arse on Saturday night and he wanted a chance to prove he was a gentleman', so I did have an expectation that he would make an effort to be on time. I'm all for having fun on a night out so I though that that is the way it would go.

I ended up staying in the bar as it turns out after he left and had a lovely night so it was fine. My post probably comes off negative and generalising - but I know there are lovely guys out there as I meet some great guys. It's just I personally haven't had much luck with internet dating. A few of my friends have had the same experiences.

Anyway onwards and upwards but I think I am going to have to resort to other means to meet men.

Thanks again.

Firetrap

I guess a big problem with internet dating is that you don't know what the person looks like in real life or their demeanour. If you saw them in a bar or another social situation you might run a mile.

Reflector

I think if you're going down the internet dating route be prepared for freaks but always keep an open mind.
If you're first impression of him is bad then just move on, if you're going on a first date be on time. Bad form and everyone can be late but at least acknowledge it.
But do keep trying, I'm sure there are good guys out there.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I don't think it's anything to do with age. I think you'll find rude, mannerless, inconsiderate people in every age bracket. I would wonder though about people above a certain age that are a long time single, it would suggest that they don't make very good partners and aren't good at relationships. I have heard good stories about online dating, my housemates met online and are just mad about each other. But for all the good stories I've heard I've heard at least 10 bad ones. Married people, liars, cheaters, crazy people all seem to be attracted to the online dating scene. My advice would be to not give up but proceed with caution. If your gut instinct is telling you that the guy is a tool then listen to that instinct and don't wait around to be threated badly. Just give people one chance though, I wouldn't be giving more than that. His being late wouldn't have mattered too much to me but the way he responded when you brought it up - absolute dealbreaker.

Best of luck,

Ozziej

Be Realistic wrote: »

Ok, first and foremost. You are in your 30's, just out of a long term relationship. Few tip offs. Dating in ones 30's is a WORLD APART from dating in ones 20's. Single fairly normal or ewell adjusted men are like HENS TEETH. Weirdos.....everywhere.




He blanked you in public and you thought 'no big deal' .....that was an instant red card offence, no going back for seconds there. You should have refused to entertain him after that disgraceful incident.



Delete, delete, delete.



No offense OP but even if you are Eva Mendes, there was NO COMING BACK from what he did and secondly his excuse was a very transparent ruse to flatter you into forgiving him. You should have seen through that straight away.



Sitting in a bar by yourself is something you are going to have to embrace as normal. 10 or 20 minutes late is no big thing.



Bad sign, meanness.



OP, you are at the same time over valuing and under valuing yourself. You picked a silly battle (the lateness) but excused him blanking you (he didn't like the look of you from the get-go).....it makes no sense. You behaved like a girlfriend to someone you only met nagging him for YOU feeling like a fool sitting in a pub. You need to get over the expectation that dates will treat you like a long term boyfriend.



Surely but no, In my experience the men you meet in their mid late 30's are pretty spoilt and deluded. The same way a certain kind of woman thinks she is living in Sex and the City, half of these blokes read a lot into the lad/porn culture and think they are Gods gift and are proud to punish any woman they see who might be 'getting out of her box'

You might think you hold some power but even the most socially inept bad catch of a man acts picky and choosy and arrogant with a woman in her late 30's. In thier brains they see you as desperate to 'settle down' and have a baby as soon as possible and they delight in punishing or humiliating women of this age.



That is a populist cliche. Men are not at all afraid of 'successful attractive women' -that is a line churned out by women of our age (mid late 30's) who were last single in their 20's and can't believe/accept their stock has fallen and they are no longer holding all the power they did 10 years ago. And how men will punish them for that attitude.



Yes, you have a lot to learn. Decent guys with manners. Never met any in their 30's, sorry to say. I find that women in their 30's can be ok, men in their 30's not so good. Many on dating websites are socially inept yes I'm afraid so. I ended up meeting a fella in his late 20's which was a lot better, much more normal in outlook.

I found men in their 30's were bitter after spending their 20's being rejected by women who at that age held all the power, by the time they reach their 30's they want to turn the tables and can be quite nasty and dismissive of any woman they perceive as 'uppity'

Inspiring incisive analysis of the situation. OP should print out this response. Well done "Be realistic".

Emme

Ozziej wrote: »

Inspiring incisive analysis of the situation. OP should print out this response. Well done "Be realistic".

I second that. "Be Realistic" is on the ball. The best analysis of the over 35 dating scene I have seen in a long time. Maybe a bit bitter though, hopefully not all men in their late 30s are out to punish women. I reckon men like that would punish women whether they were in a relationship or not regardless of the woman's age. I dated an abusive thirty-something man when I was in my 20s so being a woman over 35 isn't the issue, the guy himself is.

Sanjuro

Grawns wrote: »

Sane, well adjusted men generally don't frequent dating sites.

I've frequented dating sites. I'm a very well adjusted, happy and decent guy. Myself and my friends just don't frequent pubs and clubs, which seem to be the main places for trying to meet the opposite sex.

I dated a girl I met on a site for a number of months before I realised it wasn't for me, and broke up with her. And she went absolutely crazy. It took me a long, long time to finally break loose from her. A guy I know did the same, and the girl he broke up with tried to commit suicide. Would I judge absolutely every girl on a website based on these two? Absolutely not. I've chatted with some very nice girls on different sites.

Be very careful of making generalisations, Grawns. You might just expose yourself as an idiot.

santana75

Be Realistic wrote: »

Single fairly normal or ewell adjusted men are like HENS TEETH. Weirdos.....everywhere.

Thats a bit of a broad generalisation. There are plenty of single well adjusted men in their 30s, same way as there are plenty of weirdos. Its not all of one and none of the other, its a mix, like anything in life.
As for the internet dating thing, Ive never tried it myself but from what ive heard it seems to be not the ideal way to meet somebody. A mixed bag again maybe, some loolas and maybe some very nice people. Bit of a human meet market though.

Barracudaincork

Reluctant dater wrote: »

It's just I personally haven't had much luck with internet dating. A few of my friends have had the same experiences.

Well if you and your friends are still single you havent had much luck via other methods of meeting people either ie in the pub, work, social events etc

Its not how you meet the people, its who you meet!

Keep the faith, keep an open mind and heart and it will happen..................but it could happen anywhere at anytime!

LegacyUser

With regard to your post OP, I agree with those who say you should try clubs and new hobbies.

Professional dating agencies for your age group or lunch dating might be better than internet dating if you wish to pursue this option.

Also keep an eye out for speed dating events ran in conjunction with charity fundraisers. Alot of people are organising them as part of their Four Peaks Challenge fundraising for example. Such events usually attract people who wouldn't normally consider such things, so you get a better mix of people at them who aren't necessarily geared towards finding a partner.

Good luck :-)