Oh What Do I Do?

ConfusedinLove

Been looking around here a bit and really think this is great but I suppose my story is a little different.

I'm going out with a girl and I'll readily admit I'm the most jealous guy in the world. I can't help it.

Anyway,

Long story short we were seeing each other casually for a few months about 8 and at christmas we said we'd break up. There was a lot going on with me that I can't go into.

She moved on pretty quick and started seeing a new guy. They were friends for a long time and it developed at a christmas party. She practically moved in with him. I was never so hurt in my life and begged her to come back. Through out tthe time she was with him we still met up and talked everyday.

Out of the blue this guy dumps her. We get back together soon after but I still know she has feelings for him. Their breakup was messy with him saying some awful things about her, that he now regrets and is sorry and they've started being friends. They go to college together.

It's now turned out that she will be studying alot with him and may even stay over at his house during this time.

In fairness she's made it clear she has no interest in going through that again with him and from what i know he just didn't really fancy her in that way.
I don't know what to think. Is it unreasonable for me to ask her not to stay?

There is so much more to this but it's really wrecking my head right now. What should I do or is there anything I can do. I love her more than anything and know her exams are impotant and she needs to do as well as she can and staying at his will help her.?????

Reading back we sound like 18 year olds but we're all in our 30's

Thanks

Tmeos

It is 100% not wrong to have a problem with your girlfriend staying at her (recent) ex's house. That would definitely be a deal breaker for me. It's completely inappropriate particularly when she was seeing him in between your current and previous relationship.

The post absolutely sounds like it is about a teenage relationship and I cant even understand how a woman in her 30's could think that behavior is acceptable. To be honest if this is standard behavior then it's no wonder you are jealous - I think anyone would be.

I think you need to set your boundaries here and explain that this is unacceptable. If she can't see this then I would consider ending it.

G-Money

Tricky situation OP. I have to be honest and say that it always raises a red flag to me when someone moves so quickly from one relationship to another. If I'm honest, I always think it proves they didn't like their previous partner as much as they let on if they can start seeing someone else and even move in with them.

I hate to say it as well but I'm not convinced she won't go back to him, despite everything. I agree in that it's weird and inappropriate for her stay to stay over with him in this situation. And if it were me I'd have doubts as to whether she could be faithful.

If youcant trust her or she's being unreasonable about this, you need to consider whether you should ditch her for good.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I really thought you were about 16 reading your first post, no offence but it sounds like something from Hollyoaks. Surely by the age of 30 you would have learned how to respect and protect each other's feelings? But to answer your question, there is just no way I could let my bf stay over in a recent ex's house. You would need to be superhuman to be ok with that. Can she not just meet him during the day etc? Why would she need to stay over? I'm in college, 4th year of a degree, very hard work so far but there's just no way I would threaten my relationship by staying in a guy's house if my bf asked me not to, it would make me sick to think of him worrying. Can she not see how you would be upset by this? I think you should have a chat with her.

Best of luck.

S23

Yeah sorry but apart from your girlfriends spectacular ability to get over you the first time and dive headlong into a relationship/moving in with this guy you have reason to be very suspicious.

Can you explain why it is exactly that she would HAVE to stay overnight with this lad. I don't buy for a second that this is at all completely nessecary.
Even if it is slightly more convienient than leaving his place late/getting home late or whatever, anyone with common decency or common sense in this case would know exactly why it was completely inappropriate for them to do this.

In fact why does she even have to study with him? I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed or whatever but given the delicate nature of the situation why exactly does it have to be this specific person? I strongly suspect it doesn't have to be him but she wants it to be.

Obviously no one on here can tell you with any certainty whether or not your girlfriend will get up to anything if she does go and stay over with this man. However, all I will say is that if I was a betting man I certainly wouldn't bet on her and him keeping their hands off each other for the night

Inari

Do you trust her? If so, then I think you should sit her down and talk to her about it. Explain to her why you don't like it, but that you trust her (if you do). This should drive home the fact that you've had to give it some serious thought.

That's one side. If it were me, I'd also talk to the ex. Basically I'd say to him that he should want her to be happy, and put her happiness above his own. It may be worth the consideration

ConfusedinLove

Ok I'm not sure if I fully trust her just yet. I want to say yes I do but that would be lying.

Ok some more background.
She travels an hour and ten mins everyday to college so that's why she might stay. If they were syudying late she'd stay instead of driving home and back again early in the morning.

The reason for her moving on so quick was because I wasn't giving her enough time and attention. I was denying my feelings and over the months up to Xmas she said she lost interest in me because she was trying but I was giving nothing back. She started with this guy in September in college nd became really good friends. When I wasn't giving her the attention he was. She admitted after that they'd flirt but nothing happened until the party. Being honest I'd have done the same if I were in her shoes.

Can't talk to her ex because he can't stand me and I don't really have much time for him because of what he's said about her.

She wants to study with him because in their group in college there's 4 of them and the other 2 won't be around. So she's no choice really.

G-Money

It seems very strange to me that she'd even be considering staying with him seeing he's such a recent ex. If I finished with a girl, or she finished with me, either way I wouldn't even want to speak to her for a while, never mind spend ages around them and stay over.

I don't mean to be nasty, but I can't shake the feeling that eventually there will be more than just studying going on if she stays there. But I'm sure she would deny that till she's blue in the face. I also get the impression that he's over her and despite everything, she'd go back to him. I don't know why I think that, but it kind of came across in your description of the situation. I could be wrong though.

Anyway, just look out for yourself. If this girl can run head first into another relationship with this guy the second you and her finished, can move in with him, end it with him, and still be considering staying over already to study, then it makes me think she still likes him.

I hope I'm wrong OP anyway.

S23

I travelled 1 hour 30 - 2 hour 30 to my previous job depending on traffic. I didn't sleep at the office everynight to save myself having to make the trip the next day. So thats a bull**** excuse for a start.
If its 1 hour 10 minutes for her to get there in the morning then it will be considerably less for her making the return journey home late at night when there is no traffic.

Also, given the circumstances is travelling there and back such a big deal. Also, whatever 'lack of attention' you showed towards here does not automaticallly lead to her moving in with some lad.

We've all been broken up with/broken it off with someone. Its hardly par for the course for the person who gets dumped to immediately move in with some new partner.

Basically you've said she had been into this lad since September, then you broke up, she moved in with him almost instantly. He broke up with her. This is a very important point to me. Now hes had a change of heart towards her and they are back on good terms.

So she was into this lad while you were still with her.
She ran straight to him after you two broke up.
He rejected her.
She went back to the safety of what she knew, you.
Your man starts being nice to her again and immediately shes talking about spending nights over at his place.

Yeah I'd be very worried if I was you. I think your man probably doesn't have any plan to steal her away from you at the minute but I'd say he could get her into the sack anytime he wants and I'd say he knows it too. Honestly, regardless of what shes said to you about being over him or whatever it doesn't look like that from where I am standing.

Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear but its what it looks like from where I am standing.

G-Money

Yeah dude, I think agree.

I have to admit I can see her spinning you the "something happened..." line if she starts staying over and it will make you feel sick to your stomach. We've all been there.

If I'm being honest, I'd say she still likes him and he probably knows this. And while he may not actually want her back, if they have a few drinks and he's feeling horny or whatever, I reckon she'd put up little resistance. In fact I'd go as far to say that at the back of her mind, she knows this could very well happen and is ok with it. However she will never admit that in a million years so I wouldn't go saying that to her if I was you. If something does happen she will probably justify it with some completely ridiculous excuse, or put the responsibility for it on him, or the alcohol, or something else, anywhere except on herself (where it would belong).

I used to commute from the north to Dublin and back every day for work, 5 days a week and did so for 2 years solid, spring, summer, autumn, winter. I had a half hour drive to the train station, followed by at least 1hr and 10 minutes on the train (if it was running on time and not delayed) and that only took me to Connolly. After that, I had to take the DART to Pearse street and still walk for 10-15 mins to actually get to where I worked. I'd leave my house at the north just before 7am and if I was lucky, the earliest I would be home would be 8.40pm. Unless there is a blizzard or tornado or something, she could just leave his place a bit earlier rather than driving back so late. Or why can't they study at some neutral location like a library or something?

Would she really be ok with you "staying over" with a recent ex of yours? I doubt it.

It sounds dodgy dude and if she insists on staying over at his, I would start preparing myself to look for a new girlfriend if I was you. That way if she pulls the "oh I don't know what I want/something happened" rubbish, you'll not be that bothered hopefully.

Barracudaincork

ConfusedinLove wrote: »

It's now turned out that she will be studying alot with him and may even stay over at his house during this time.

I don't know what to think. Is it unreasonable for me to ask her not to stay?

OP, I hope you dont take offence but this will end in disaster as it really appears the two of you are too immature for this to work and believe me i think it would take two very mature people to make it work, hell i dont know if i could make it work myself. But given your recent pass history, your feelings of jealousy and the fact you are both acting half your age, its a disaster waiting to happen. Therefore for the reasons above no its not unreasonable to ask her not to stay but only if you are honest with the reasons.