Best friend refusing to speak to me! advice pls

LegacyUser

My oldest friend, we're both 28, just got married to a man from another country with a different religion that her family don't approve of. She met him on holidays over a year ago and has been going back as often as possible ever since to see him as ppl from his country have no access to europe unless married etc etc
Her family have swept it under the carpet, all of them refused to go to the wedding but she went ahead with it anyway as she loves him etc.
I couldn't make the wedding, i couldn't get time off work and i told her this and she was fine with it, rang me and told me she had a great day and wanted to meet up and show me photos
I was really worried about her cos she was so upset about her family basically abandoning her on her wedding day and felt really bad that i couldn't go.
Anyway, long story short, she got married a month ago and i'd been trying to contact her ever since, texting ringing, everything but she wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. so yesterday evening i was in the petrol station and she actually hid between the shelves when she saw me walk into the shop!! I wasn't going to make a fool of myself by following her around shopping aisles asking why she wouldn't talk to me as shop was full.
so i rang her again and she wouldn't answer. She then text me to say that she thought i was her best friend and why have i been going around calling her a fool for getting married and apparantly i've been bad-mouthing her all over the place.
i'm really stumped and upset here!! i text her back to tell her i haven't said anything of the sort and asked her to meet me and talk about it but she won't answer me and now her whole family are ignoring me when we pass on the street etc.
i really don't get it!!! any ideas on how i sort this one i've known this girl since i was 4 years old!

Ickle Magoo

What kind of friend believes that you would bad mouth her? I don't think there is a lot you can do, perhaps write to her and reassure that you have done nothing wrong, you are hurt she's buying into somebody else's lies and that you'll always be there if she wants to re-establish the friendship - otherwise she's a big girl and what friends she has and why are up to her.

Sorry.

JonathanAnon

Are you sure that you havent said anything derogatory to anybody about this, particularly to her family or other friends that she could have been in contact with? Maybe somebody has quoted you incorrectly.

What nationality/religion is the guy? Is there any possibility that he has .. how would you say.. taken a tighter control of the reins... since the wedding day?

LegacyUser

i'm pretty sure somebody has misquoted me or stirring "sh**". i won't say which country he's from as someone she knows might be on this... i don't wanna be accused of bad-mouthing her even more! Even tho they'd probably guess but it's a chance i'll take. Can't really talk to anyone around here!
it wasn't a secret that she was getting married, and i was asked to be bridesmaid originally, which i told some of my friends about cos i was all set to go til i couldn't get time off at work.
problem is, we're from a small town, her brother was totally set against the wedding from day one and has been telling all of his friends exactly what he thinks.
It's one thing me being mis-quoted but the fast that she didn't even try to listen to my side of the story before jumping to conclusions is what upsets me... i'd much prefer if she rang and f***ed me out of it on the phone or came down to confront me, but being blatantly ignored for a whole month and worrying about her was horrible.
i don't know what to do anymore, i've sent her 3 texts since trying to explain my case and telling her that i'm disappointed that she'd actually believe i'd do that but no answer whatsoever.
i'm totally at a loss here.

JonathanAnon

ok well do you get on with the guy, have you been round to their house/apartment, could you call round? I guess what I getting at.. if I just spit it out.. Is there any possibility that HE has told her you said this or that HE doesnt want her to see you?

Chinafoot

unreggg wrote: »

she didn't even try to listen to my side of the story before jumping to conclusions is what upsets me... i'd much prefer if she rang and f***ed me out of it on the phone or came down to confront me, but being blatantly ignored for a whole month and worrying about her was horrible.
i don't know what to do anymore,

Its a horrible situation for you but this girl probably feels very upset and isolated knowing her family disapprove of her marriage to the extent that they wouldn't go to her wedding. I know you said she was ok with you not being able to go due to work but if she has been told you were badmouthing her, and then she starts thinking "maybe the work thing was bull", she probably decided shes too hurt to speak to you. Its not a great way to deal with things, but I cant even begin to imagine what shes going through having her family so against her happiness.

One thing to also note, one of your opening lines is "ppl from his country have no access to europe unless married etc etc". If you have said that line before now, or anything to that effect, it could very, very easily be twisted into "hes only marrying her for a visa." Yes, she should know that as her friend you'd never say anything like that, but I bet she also thought her own family would never react as they have done.

I think you need to speak to her face to face. Call up to her house and find out exactly whats been said. Texting will get you nowhere.

LegacyUser

JonathanAnon wrote: »

ok well do you get on with the guy, have you been round to their house/apartment, could you call round? I guess what I getting at.. if I just spit it out.. Is there any possibility that HE has told her you said this or that HE doesnt want her to see you?

well you see that's the thing, i don't know him at all, he's never been in Ireland and even tho they're now married, it will take at least a few months for his visas etc. to come through so he can't come in until then.

"One thing to also note, one of your opening lines is "ppl from his country have no access to europe unless married etc etc". If you have said that line before now, or anything to that effect, it could very, very easily be twisted into "hes only marrying her for a visa." "

This is exactly what i think is happening but it's not something i'm saying around.

The thing is, she said that she heard from her Family that i've been saying all this stuff, so now her family are suddenly all about her and getting defensive about stuff i'm supposed to have said and now i'm "the worst in the world" if you get me. Not one of them bothered their arses going to her big day and she's fine with them but not with me.
She's back living at home with the family while she's waiting for him to come to Ireland so i'll probably be expelled from the door if i dare to call up. think i will tho, just to say i tried.

Chinafoot

unregg wrote: »

"One thing to also note, one of your opening lines is "ppl from his country have no access to europe unless married etc etc". If you have said that line before now, or anything to that effect, it could very, very easily be twisted into "hes only marrying her for a visa." "

This is exactly what i think is happening but it's not something i'm saying around.

You've never even met the bloke and you think he's marrying her for a visa. Real nice. If you've said it to anyone at all, even someone you think would never repeat it, then chances are its got back to her. She has a hard enough time of it as it is with her family (choosing to defend her now could be a guilty conscience speaking after the wedding issue) and for her best mate to think its a sham must really sting.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

You've never even met the bloke and you think he's marrying her for a visa. Real nice. If you've said it to anyone at all, even someone you think would never repeat it, then chances are its got back to her. She has a hard enough time of it as it is with her family (choosing to defend her now could be a guilty conscience speaking after the wedding issue) and for her best mate to think its a sham must really sting.

ok No sorry, you got that all wrong, ok i just read back what i wrote and it;s not what i meant. I meant that that's exactly what i think - ie. that people are twisting my words... when i told people i was going to be bridesmaid, they asked why she isn't getting married in ireland and i told them that it's because their country is restricted to europe. I never said that he's marrying her just for a visa and i don't think that either.
i think people are twisting my words, and as i can see now, it's easily done.
As i said i've never met him and she's totally smitten and i was happy for her, it's the first guy she really seems happy with.
i'm gonna bite the bullet and call up tomorrow evening when i know she'll be home. Wish me luck!!

Chinafoot

unreggg wrote: »

ok No sorry, you got that all wrong, ok i just read back what i wrote and it;s not what i meant. I meant that that's exactly what i think - ie. that people are twisting my words... when i told people i was going to be bridesmaid, they asked why she isn't getting married in ireland and i told them that it's because their country is restricted to europe. I never said that he's marrying her just for a visa and i don't think that either.
i think people are twisting my words, and as i can see now, it's easily done.
As i said i've never met him and she's totally smitten and i was happy for her, it's the first guy she really seems happy with.
i'm gonna bite the bullet and call up tomorrow evening when i know she'll be home. Wish me luck!!

Ah right ok. Definitely easy to get things twisted.

Hopefully you can make her hear you out and get it sorted. Best of luck!