Head messed up over messy situation

LegacyUser

Gonna try be brief as possible here...

I've known this girl for about 6 years, been friends most of that time. When we first met had a few kisses etc., but she started goin out a mutual friend and i had a few things with people we both knew.

That was all fine, I considered one of my best girl mates, used to talk to her about whatever girl I was messing things up with etc. From time to time I would wonder what if things had been different but was never "pining" for her.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago and for the 1st time since we met she was single and I was "seeing someone". We ended up going out with a group of our mutual friends and ended up kissing, very drunken, barely remembered. Didnt know what to say next time we spoke as didnt feel great about as I was "seeing someone" (that ended very shortly after).

Anyway met her out again, bout a month later and one of her friends says to me bout how much she is in to me etc. We did end up kissing that night, but unfortunatley, again was a fairly drunken thing and wasnt sure how we left it. I deliberated for a while and decided to myself that i wanted to give it a go.

Shortly after that for a period of a few weeks I made sig efforts some subtle some not so, to meet up and at the very least talk about things. She kept on fobbin me off, had excuses til i decided to just leave it.

Last week, ended up meetin her and one of her friends after work for a few drinks. Was grand til her friend mentioned some guy she is supposedly scoring. First time ever it was awkward with us and i didnt know what to say. Then she goes to the toilet and her friend (a diff one from before) says its only a matter of time before we get together....

So basically my head is melted with this. I dont know what she wants and I feel pissed off that she hasnt at least got the respect to talk to me about things. Is this unreasonable?

I also dont know how to go forward. Im supposed to be arranging a night with all our mutual friends but I dont want to. Ive known her this long and for the first time I dont know if I can be friends with her. Im also resenting her for making this situation so awkward. I am genuinely thinking of cutting all communication now. Is this being drastic?

If she was to turn around now and say she did want something to happen the stubborn part of me feels like telling her where to go, but deep down I know it is what I want.

Any advice on what I should do?

Tmeos

Sounds pretty messy alright to be honest. If I were you I would give it one last shot and try and meet her (one on one & without booze) to explain how you feel and see if she is really interested. If she doesn't want to meet up I'd let it go and move on.

Taltos

Agreed - meet up in the daytime without any friends and talk it through.

Being someone who did get together and married a friend - I can say it is well worth the risk. The risk is that things will never be the same anyway and you will drift apart...

You might get burned by laying your cards out - but at least in 10 yrs you will not be wondering what if... what if I had told her... what if I had not told her to shag off... etc...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I know what you are saying but I tried that, in fact she suggested we meet up for lunch the next day a while back and then she had been out that night and didnt reply to me til the next evening saying she had been wrecked all day. That's just an example of the kind of toing and froing we were doing a little while back.

Im fairly certain she knows what i want or at least knows what I want to talk to her about. But she keeps trying to avoid it. It's pretty obvious to me now that she doesnt want anything to happen, which is fine, but whats pissing me off is that she wants to just carry on as if nothing happened.

It's just so frustrating because we had gotten on so well for so long without anything like this being an issue and I feel really let down that she is happy enough to lose touch altogether for the sake of, at worst an awkward conversation.

Im not sure if I should just suck it up and try and salvage a friendship, but if I do I feel I will be completely fake and Im useless at hiding what i really feel.

I also dont know how to act around our mutual friends...they were expecting us to get together and if questions are asked I know ill only end up bad mouthing her. I feel like just avoiding that circle of friends altogehter.

Taltos

Take a break from her - and I mean totally.
No texts, no meeting up. Try to meet some different people and just get out there and enjoy yourself.

Maybe at some level she is enjoying being wanted - but really does not want to commit. So take that away. This will give her time to think about what she really wants - and it will hopefully give you the space you need to move on.

I agree though - with this much water under the bridge - salvaging a friendship is going to be very difficult - especially based on your friends interfering.

Another good reason to remove yourself from that circle. If asked why - just be honest. You need some space and do not enjoy the constant attention everyone is giving this as in your mind nothing is going to happen there.

LegacyUser

Ye your pretty much summing up what im thinking myself.

One thing I can't get my head around is why her friends would say things to me encouraging me that something would happen. The first one literally told me to go ask her out.

If any of my mates did that I'd go mad if it was something I didnt want and they wouldn't do it.

Is it different with girls i.e. they are all trying to be each other's match makers or something (hope that doesn't come across as sexist, not intended to be!) I just dont see why they would say something to me. Anybody able to give me some female perspective ???

Taltos

messy.head wrote: »

One thing I can't get my head around is why her friends would say things to me encouraging me that something would happen. The first one literally told me to go ask her out.

Seriously who cares why they did this?
It is not like you are trying to date them.

At this point - cut your losses. Remove yourself - it might make her have 2nd thoughts - but right now - either she is not into you or she is following those stupid rules - either way - if one of these are true then you are better off out of there.

When she wants to grow up and have an adult relationship without her friends running interference maybe you will be around. Hopefully you will have moved on though...