Best Friend being strung along

gavney1

Hey,

My best friend has been seeing a girl for about 6 months, on and off.
She's a really really beautiful girl, who I've only met once (the night they met). They have never really been going out, never had sex (they're both 26), and only meet up ever week or two. Nothing wrong with them not having sex btw, but it's just indicative (to me at least) of how unnatural the relationship is.

Basically, it sounds to me like she's been keeping him on the back-burner.
She broke up with him a few months ago, then they got back together, and then last night she ended it again.

Apparently she's a very nice girl, but she really doesn't sound like she's right for my friend (she sounds a bit uptight to be honest). My friend's head is well and truly wrecked by all the mixed signals she's been giving him. He seems to be trying to force an enjoyable relationship. They get on and all, but it just sounds like they are friends who kiss each other from time to time (and apparently she's a bit reluctant to kiss sometimes).

Anyway, my problem is this: up till now I've held my tongue, as I didn't want to be responsible for wrecking it for him, by giving bad advice (cause tbh, 90% of the time whenever i take a male friend's advice on relationships - it usually ends up being wrong - and i realise i should've gone with my gut!) But he texted me today to say he was sending her a message along the lines of "Hey, I don't really think we got to know each other properly, it was all a bit formal, I think we may have something special, can we give it another go".

I told him i thought it was a bad idea, that she's made herself clear that she's "just not that into you". I don't want to be harsh, but I really think I'm doing my friend a favour - this girl really sounds like she's just stringing him along, and just gaining an ego boost from having him taking her out etc...

He hasn't done anything wrong along the way, always been a perfect gentleman. He's a decent looking guy, good fun, confident etc.. but it sounds like she's just waiting till something better to come along.

All in all, i think she's very immature the way she's been acting - if she's not interested she should've just been decisive and told him so months ago.

On the other hand, I worry that maybe she's just been badly burned in the past and is afraid to open up to him. I think there's only a small chance of that being true - but I don't want to give him bad advice, by telling him to forget about her

Cheap Thrills!

I think you are pretty much spot on in your appraisal of the situation and the advice you gave him.

Whatever about not sleeping together, her reluctance to kiss him is a bad sign. Girls love to kiss and love nothing more than kissing a man they are attracted to and interested in.

He may not listen to you but the advice you gave was sound. She is deffo stringing him along. He may think they have something 'special' (oh the poor lamb to the slaughter) but she evidently doesn't as is obvious by her lukewarm attitude to him.

mobilecore

+1
She is using him pretty much.

It shows that you are a good friend tho. Alot of so called "friends" wouldnt care, or give such advice in that situation. So well done
The sad thing is in relationships we can all be blind. From the sounds of it he is blind in this one. I reckon the only way this will end is when she dumps him. Or I should really say has no more need for him.

The lack-of-sex should be a clear indicator she is not into him. Now yes a women can take as long as she needs... but if two 26's year old adults who have been dating, even if only meeting up once a week / every second week, do not do the business after six months. Thats a tell tale sign right there IMO.

I pity the poor guy. Sounds like a nice guy. Just blinded by what he wants... and her of course using him.

LegacyUser

gavney1 wrote: »

Hey,

My best friend has been seeing a girl for about 6 months, on and off.
She's a really really beautiful girl, who I've only met once (the night they met). They have never really been going out, never had sex (they're both 26), and only meet up ever week or two. Nothing wrong with them not having sex btw, but it's just indicative (to me at least) of how unnatural the relationship is.

Basically, it sounds to me like she's been keeping him on the back-burner.
She broke up with him a few months ago, then they got back together, and then last night she ended it again.

Apparently she's a very nice girl, but she really doesn't sound like she's right for my friend (she sounds a bit uptight to be honest). My friend's head is well and truly wrecked by all the mixed signals she's been giving him. He seems to be trying to force an enjoyable relationship. They get on and all, but it just sounds like they are friends who kiss each other from time to time (and apparently she's a bit reluctant to kiss sometimes).

Anyway, my problem is this: up till now I've held my tongue, as I didn't want to be responsible for wrecking it for him, by giving bad advice (cause tbh, 90% of the time whenever i take a male friend's advice on relationships - it usually ends up being wrong - and i realise i should've gone with my gut!) But he texted me today to say he was sending her a message along the lines of "Hey, I don't really think we got to know each other properly, it was all a bit formal, I think we may have something special, can we give it another go".

I told him i thought it was a bad idea, that she's made herself clear that she's "just not that into you". I don't want to be harsh, but I really think I'm doing my friend a favour - this girl really sounds like she's just stringing him along, and just gaining an ego boost from having him taking her out etc...

He hasn't done anything wrong along the way, always been a perfect gentleman. He's a decent looking guy, good fun, confident etc.. but it sounds like she's just waiting till something better to come along.

All in all, i think she's very immature the way she's been acting - if she's not interested she should've just been decisive and told him so months ago.

On the other hand, I worry that maybe she's just been badly burned in the past and is afraid to open up to him. I think there's only a small chance of that being true - but I don't want to give him bad advice, by telling him to forget about her

OP, how is this any of your business????

Different strokes for different folks. What goes on in relationship, the pace of it and how it is conducted is entirely their business, not yours. If your friend is happy with what is going on, that's his choice.

A relationship that starts out slowly has a better chance of surviving long term than on that doesn't.

So without sounding too harsh OP, go and find YOURSELF a sound relationship that SUITS you and never mind what your best friend is or isn't doing by his own choice.

gavney1

Thanks guys. I needed some reassurance.

You're right, he is a very nice guy. And I reckon he'll be looking back on her breaking up with him as a blessing in disguise in a few weeks

mobilecore

Hello!!! wrote: »

OP, how is this any of your business????

Different strokes for different folks. What goes on in relationship, the pace of it and how it is conducted is entirely their business, not yours. If your friend is happy with what is going on, that's his choice.

A relationship that starts out slowly has a better chance of surviving long term than on that doesn't.

So without sounding too harsh OP, go and find YOURSELF a sound relationship that SUITS you and never mind what your best friend is or isn't doing by his own choice.

Geez thats harsh.
No offense that sounds like you were in a similar situation in your past. Where "a friend" spoke their mind.

OP do what you feel is best

Xiney

Hello!!! wrote: »

OP, how is this any of your business????

Different strokes for different folks. What goes on in relationship, the pace of it and how it is conducted is entirely their business, not yours. If your friend is happy with what is going on, that's his choice.

A relationship that starts out slowly has a better chance of surviving long term than on that doesn't.

So without sounding too harsh OP, go and find YOURSELF a sound relationship that SUITS you and never mind what your best friend is or isn't doing by his own choice.

No further posts along this line, please. The OP's friend as much as asked him for advice.

gavney1

Hello!!! wrote: »

OP, how is this any of your business????

Different strokes for different folks. What goes on in relationship, the pace of it and how it is conducted is entirely their business, not yours. If your friend is happy with what is going on, that's his choice.

A relationship that starts out slowly has a better chance of surviving long term than on that doesn't.

So without sounding too harsh OP, go and find YOURSELF a sound relationship that SUITS you and never mind what your best friend is or isn't doing by his own choice.

Sorry, but did you even read my post? He's NOT happy with the situation. He's just been broken up with again - last night - this was before I even opened my mouth about the situation (i've just nodded my head until now).

And as I said, his head is being wrecked. I didn't mention, but he talks about this all the time, as has been in turmoil over a girl, who clearly just isn't into him and is treating him (my best friend) like dirt. As was also clear from my opening post, he sent me that text BEFORE he sent it to the girl - in order to seek my advice. So, yes, it's my business cause he asked for my advice.

Ickle Magoo

26 yrs old, no sex and not really into kissing - what's the point? Seriously, unless she's the absolute love of his life then I'd tell him to chalk this one up to experience and find someone to actually have a relationship with.

Having a gf that doesn't really want to kiss you and keeps breaking up with you is not good for the auld self-esteem, I think you gave your friend very good advice, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to be in.

Best of luck

MD!

from a girl's point of view this girl is probably stringing your friend along. some girls need to be needed. she is flattered by his attention, thinks he is a nice guy but doesnt really fancy him (hence the lack of interest in kissing) has she introduced him to her friends???? if not, then its a very bad sign. an earlier poster hit the nail on the head. lots of girls have their reasons for not wanting to have sex but kissing is def something we like with someone we fancy!

gavney1

MD! wrote: »

from a girl's point of view this girl is probably stringing your friend along. some girls need to be needed. she is flattered by his attention, thinks he is a nice guy but doesnt really fancy him (hence the lack of interest in kissing) has she introduced him to her friends???? if not, then its a very bad sign. an earlier poster hit the nail on the head. lots of girls have their reasons for not wanting to have sex but kissing is def something we like with someone we fancy!

yeah, that's the impression i get, she likes the attention.

No, she hasn't introduced him to any of her friends. They always seem to meet up one on one - but why do you think that's a bad sign? You think it's cause she's embarrassed by him or something?

MD!

i don't know if embarassed is the right word but if i was seeing someone i really liked and six months later he didn't want to introduce me to his friends i would be worried! maybe she didnt have the opportunity to introduce him to her friends ( i don't know the ins and outs of their relationship) but the keener i am on someone the more i would like my friends to meet him if i thought he was a keeper!