Wedding present dilemma

rainydays

Am I a horrible bitch for feeling the way I do about this?
My husband left me a few years ago and I am really struggling financially ever since. I have just got a wedding invitation and in it is a note saying that because the couple already have everything they want or need (they have been in there house a couple of years already) they have registered with a travel company so that people can contribute to there honeymoon. The minimum is €50. This may not seem that much for a wedding present, you might be thinking. But look at it this way: I have not been able to afford a holiday myself for 2 years and I am being asked to give them 50 euros for there dream holiday? The couple who admit that they have everything?
I feel resentful that I am being told what and how much to give. And I feel bad for feeling this way, but I cant help it.
I will probably not be able to go the wedding because it would mean taking a day or probably two off work which is not really possible. But even if I dont go, I feel bad if I dont give a present, but I simply cant afford it. What should I do? Am I mean , resentful person?

lil'bug

i don't think your mean its a reccesion and times are tough for a lot of us, when was the last time you spent €50 just on yourself??? don't sweat it!!

rainydays

thanks! you're right, but I just dont know if I want to face them after if I dont give a present....ah, maybe I should just be straight about it and tell them I cant afford it.

phoebe!

rainydays wrote: »

thanks! you're right, but I just dont know if I want to face them after if I dont give a present....ah, maybe I should just be straight about it and tell them I cant afford it.

If they want you at their wedding it shouldn't matter whether you get them a present or not! And if they are good friends they will understand. It tough times for a lot of people.

Acoshla

I think that is absolutely ridiculous tbh, in the middle of a recession telling people they have to give at least €50 euro towards their honeymoon, it's the same as people trying to work out how much they'll "make" on the day and using that figure to plan their wedding by. If that was me I would tell them myself that I couldn't and wouldn't be contributing, but I know not all people might do that.

How close are you to them? If you know them very well I would say maybe mention to them that you can't afford it, they have to understand really in this day and age. Get them a gift or gift voucher etc that you are comfortable paying for, feck them, it's your money.

I'm speechless really. Since when do people book their wedding/honeymoon to their own tastes and ideal budget and then expect their guests to pay?

lil'bug

if you are close to them just tell them you can't afford the €50 if they are your friends they will understand, either that or get them a toaster from argos

cafecolour

You're not obligated to give a present if you don't go, just send a nice card.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think you are mean, you do sound a little resentful but I think you are completely justified! I hate the whole idea of dictating to your guests what presents will be acceptable - and definitely not setting a minimum contribution! :eek: I'd send a card with your best wishes and nowt else!

Best of luck.

krudler

"minimum contribution" what a load of sh1t, they're basically asking people to pay for their honeymoon whether they want to or not. A lot of couples do that these days, they spend a small fortune on the wedding but know they'll make it back with the money and gifts they demand from the guests. Contribute a fiver towards the taxi ride to the airport for them and if they have a problem then they arent worth having as friends, they're basically putting a cover charge on their wedding.

Jo King

There is no reason you cannot send a voucher for a smaller amount or even send a present. They won't send it back and cannot complain that you ignored the wedding. I don't like being asked for money or being given a list, although some people find it makes things easier.

LegacyUser

did they give you anything for your wedding?

ztoical

Personally I wouldn't "contribute" to their honeymoon fund and wouldn't feel bother about it but if you feel you have to give them something...donate a tenner in their name to a charity, they can't really complain about that.

chocgirl

Think it's really rude, worst I've ever heard. If they have everything they want they shouldn't be rubbing it in people's faces and should be well able to pay for their own honeymoon. If you don't go to the wedding you don't have to give a present, nice card should suffice.

You could always buy a small present of your choice either.

Neyite

nope. you are not a bitch.

ive heard of couples putting their bank account number and sort code, or specifying a dress code (or colour theme) but any way that you ask for money is well cheeky IMO.

get em a toaster

How Strange

I'm going to buck the trend slightly.

The issue of the obligatory travel agency vouchers as presents aside; surely if you go to someone's wedding you are going to give them a gift.

You may not agree with what they've asked for and that they've said it's a minimum of €50 (which admittedly they could've just not mentioned) but it's etiquette to give a gift. IMO, €50 is a very reasonable amount to gift a couple on their wedding day if you're invited as a guest.

I don't think they meant to rub anyone's face in it when they said they have everything. Perhaps they meant they have everything they need for their house so in lieu of household items or money (which some people don't like to give) they've asked for holiday vouchers. In principle it's no different to having a list with Arnotts or BT's.

OP, I can understand your personal situation. I remember being stone cold broke a few years back and being asked to a wedding. I could only manage €50 as a present and that was my food money for 2 weeks.

However, either you attend the wedding with the intention of wishing them well on their new life together and you give them a gift or you don't go.
I think you're being slightly resentful to this couple because they're able to enjoy things (a nice holiday) which you presently can't.

If you can't go to the wedding with a feeling of happiness for them then maybe just give it a miss. If you feel resentful that you have to take 2 days off work and give money you can't afford then send them a card wishing them well but telling them unfortunately you can't make it and if you don't go then there's no reason to give them a present.

popecatapetal

I think all the people saying "oh, just get them a toaster:D" are being rather spiteful - the couple in question seem to have been living together for a few years, so probably have more than enough appliances and crockery and all that sort of thing. Getting someone something they didn't ask for (and in fact, specifically asked people not to get them) seems rather mean. At least you know at this wedding the couple are going to get good use out of the present you're getting them.

I do agree, though, the minimum charge is a bit steep. Maybe you could go halves with someone else going who might also be finding it tough to meet the minimum contribution? I know it's not so personal, splitting your gift with someone else, but they will almost certainly understand, given the current climate.

Cunsiderthis

popecatapetal wrote: »

I think all the people saying "oh, just get them a toaster:D" are being rather spiteful - the couple in question seem to have been living together for a few years, so probably have more than enough appliances and crockery and all that sort of thing. Getting someone something they didn't ask for (and in fact, specifically asked people not to get them) seems rather mean. At least you know at this wedding the couple are going to get good use out of the present you're getting them.

I do agree, though, the minimum charge is a bit steep. Maybe you could go halves with someone else going who might also be finding it tough to meet the minimum contribution? I know it's not so personal, splitting your gift with someone else, but they will almost certainly understand, given the current climate.

While I agree that it's a little off to tell you that the minimum gift is €50, if it were me I'd have the long view in mind and realise that, if we are to remain friends, then I'd just have to swallow it and probably give them the gift they have requested.

Either that, or else I'd get them a joke gift, and might be tempted to give them a voucher from Ann Summers and present it to them on the day with a flourish, and in front of others, saying that while I know that they might claim to have everything they want, I have a hunch they might find something to tickle their fancy when they go to exchange the voucher!

It would be remembered long after the other guests €50 contributed to the honeymoon, and might even become a talking point at the wedding or after!

Dark Phoenix

I think you have two choices:

- Go to the wedding and contribute to the gift. Yes its cheeky of them and it does annoy me a lot when people think its acceptable to put a set amount on what they expect as gifts from guests its almost as if you are paying to be a guest in the first place! but I am sure from their perspective they just want to be something they would enjoy from people instead of things they already have / done need

- Don't go to the wedding, don't contribute and just send them a nice card instead. Its understandable that some people will not be able to attend especially if it involves people taking time off work.

Cheap Thrills!

OP don't bother your ar$e going to the wedding. Send them a card wishing them well.

It is vulgar in the extreme of them to stipulate a 'minimum' amount for their present.

Vulgar, vulgar, vulgar.

When will people get it into their heads, weddings are not an opportunity to fleece your friends and relatives.

jimmycrackcorm

I don't think it is unreasonable to give €50 as a wedding present. You can be sure that the wedding costs at least that amount per guest. My suggestion is that if you cannot afford to go to the wedding including this as a present then simply don't go.

Miss Fluff

rainydays wrote: »

The minimum is €50.

Whoooaaaaa there. Excuse me? Did the couple actually stipulate that the minimum contribution is €50?:eek:

Elle Collins

I do think it's cheeky stipulating a minimum contribution and I wouldn't do it myself, but having said that 50 euro is a very reasonable amount. You'd have to hunt high and low for a decent wedding present for that price.

I'm getting the impression there are deeper issues at play here than the price of the honeymoon contribution. The OP seems to have resentments that run deeper than that.

ash23

Did the couple state the minimum or is that the website?

A friend of mine is doing the same for her wedding. I haven't looked on the site yet but was planning on putting in 50 anyway.

This couple aren't well off by any stretch but they have lived together for years. They also are having a wedding in the ROI when they live in France at the moment so they can't bring "stuff" back with them.

I know they are under financial pressure with the wedding and can't afford a honeymoon so have decided to do this instead.
It will be a smallish wedding of about 60 people so they will get about 2500 or less I'd say (as some of those guests are kids/have partners).

It will get them a lovely honeymoon but hardly an overly extravagant one.

I'm a single parent, was left in the lurch by an ex, struggle financially but I'm delighted that this girl has found happiness. It will be tight for me to get gifts for the 3 weddings I have to attend this year but I know they will understand if I can't or if I can only afford a small gift.

I don't take their happiness as rubbing my nose in it. I only hope I'll be that happy some day and they will share in that with me and not harbour ill feelings towards me or begrudge me that

ztoical

50 to most is reasonable amount yes and what most would spend on a wedding gift but it's your choice to spend that amount so the minimum thing is a bit much, saying that it might be a case of the website/company being used for the honeymoney only allows donations in 50s. I know most airline vouchers only come in 50's so it might be a case that the couple in question don't have any control over it. On one hand it's not a bad idea as it stops you getting stuck with loads of random gifts that you may not need or like but can't refuse cus it was present....on the other hand I don't get the whole present thing for weddings [or birthdays or Xmas after a certain age to be honest but thats me]

A wedding is meant to be you standing in front of people and saying you love this other person and are going to [hopefully] spend the rest of your life with them. This crap of spending thousands of euros on what is a meal/party and an over priced dress you'll never wear again I'll never understand. If the OP can't afford a present then they can't afford one and they shouldn't have to feel bad about it. We went a little mad in recent years with the whole keeping up with the joneses wedding/21st/communion presents. I'm sticking with the donate time or money to a charity in their name option if you feel some social pressure to do something otherwise just wish them well on their new life together.

Walls

The lack of consideration that such a suggestion shows doesn't depict the bride and groom in the best light. Our day is in July and nothing of such a nature will be on the invite. What will be made clear is that donations to charity will be appreciated.

Send these people a present of whatever amount you are comfortable with and give it no more thought whatsoever.

LegacyUser

I think that your totally within your rights not to get a wedding present and I would feel exactly the same way. I said to people to not buy wedding presents for my wedding...times are hard now especially with what you've had to go through. It's been shoved in your face (although not deliberately)...I would probably just buy something small...maybe £10 worth or something. Maybe something funny for their holiday. It's the thought that counts afterall.

tinkerbell

Whatever about the amount, the fact that they stated what they wanted and how much is just so rude and obnoxious. If you do not want to give them that gift, then don't, if you do and can afford to - then do, but if you actually can't afford it and trying to scrape together a few quid would cause you pain, then don't.

Times are tough, if you're in a situation where you are short of money and then just being expected to give €50 when you'd rather spend it on your family, then don't do it. These wedding presents are getting more and more ridiculous as time goes on. Whatever happened to just celebrating the couples happy day? It just seems all about presents, presents, presents these days.

Aishae

50 might seem very reasonable an amount but it certainly isnt if you can barely afford to look after your family and/or if you have a few weddings this year. people in general seem to feel obliged to give a gift of some sort even if they dont attend the wedding.

so it seems an unfair expectation on your guests esp in the current climes. ive said it before, that if a couple cannot afford a big wedding and pay for all the meals then dont have a big wedding (expecting to recoup on pressies or honeymoon in this case) that might not be the thinking in this case but its a good point.

anyhow... as has been said just give what you can or wish to - maybe a small thoughtful gift. if theyre good friends they will understand your situation. if a 'friend' would hold your lack of present / or expensive pressie - against you then they cant be very good friends.

just do whatever yoo can OP

Ickle Magoo

This thread is over a year old - could folks check the date of the thread and see if answering would be helpful.

Cheers.