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Boyfriend having issues with my past
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21-03-2010 4:51pm#1Hi guys please i hope you can help:( I am with my boyfriend 2 years.We get on great.I have a child from past relationship and some other longish term relationship before him.Although I hadn't been with anyone in the four years previous of meeting him.
I am so in love with him and he makes me so happy,Its like a switch going on and off:( . I get very upset he gets very upset and he says sorry but cant help feeling that way about it. I don't know what to do.I don't have problem with his past or with him having a baby with someone else.I know he trusts me and i trust him we get on great all time except for this one thing.
Any advice please have you perhaps been a guy in same situation did you get over it and how? Or a girl in same situation.
I am so lost and worried i don't know what to do
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sorry Op your post is somewhat confusing but from what I can guess is that your boyfriend has a problem with the fact that you have had other men, probably not many by the sounds of your post, the only thing I can advise and I have been in a similar situation is tell him that his problem with your past is his problem, you cannot undo and it is your past, he either gets over it or finds himself someone with no past. Do not be ashamed of your choices, they are nothing to do with him and you don't need to explain or justify anything to him, just tell him firmly that it is his problem, not yours and you do not want to hear his comments on them, he either accepts you or ends the relationship if he cannot handle it.
Hi miec, thanks for reply.Sorry about the post been confusing i am trying to get it down without going into a huge story and dont even know really how to tell it.
I have tried to tell him that,and that i cant change my past and i dont care about my previous relationships.
We broke up a couple of time when he was angry,The split wouldnt even last twenty minutes.He says he knows its his problem and he is so sorry he just gets so wound up about it .Then something Little things bring it up in his head when he is under pressure or in bad mood for some reason.Its like he buries it for a while and then comes back out to haunt him and me.I spent alot of years beating myself up for been a stupid idiot and now,i have come to terms with i have made mistakes and moved on.I dont know why he cant accept its my past and nothing to do with me and him.
I have never had a relationship that i felt so sure of or trusted anyone like i do him. He is truly my best friend as well.I never even imagined myself married to anyone before until i met him. I am afraid to lose both now
I keep hoping he will just let it go because he loves me and i love him.I dont want to be misunderstanding of how it makes him feel either.
I think this is last straw for us,we are meant to be getting engaged soon and moving in together. 0 -
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Look sit him down and lay this out for him...
The past is the past.
You cannot change it.
He cannot change it.
Either accept these 3 things for the facts that they clearly are or get out of your life as no-one needs their emotions / head messed with the way he is torturing you.
Thanks Taltos,i guess fear of giving ultimatum and what answer would be.I havent said it like that at all.I am not at all aggressive person..I say it nicest possible way.
I have said it now though, how you and miec have suggested,and he has said he doesnt want to finish and will deal with it.I hope to god he can get over this stuff.We have a great relationship other than that one thing.
Thanks so much for replies:) i really needed to get it out somewhere,if you tell family they get all personal and give out and that turns them against him.Then it works out and they know to much and then they dont like him.Or they give you all bad advice.
Thanks so much
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Thanks Taltos,i guess fear of giving ultimatum and what answer would be.I havent said it like that at all.I am not at all aggressive person..I say it nicest possible way.
I have said it now though, how you and miec have suggested,and he has said he doesnt want to finish and will deal with it.I hope to god he can get over this stuff.We have a great relationship other than that one thing.
Thanks so much for replies:) i really needed to get it out somewhere,if you tell family they get all personal and give out and that turns them against him.Then it works out and they know to much and then they dont like him.Or they give you all bad advice.
Thanks so much
+1
Just remember - as he might wear you down without you noticing it...
Without you having done the things you have done.
a) no child....
b) you would not be the person he fell in love with...
So don't feel bad about any of your past - everything we have done has shaped who we are now.
Seriously though - this is ALL about HIM - not about you at all. All to do with his insecurities. His fears. His lack of trust.
Instead of trying to make him feel better you need to protect yourself. People like this rarely are helped by other people - only he can help himself here...
Next time he starts this even a bit - you need to stop him in his tracks... The more he is let get away the worse it will get.
I too do not like ultimatums - but look at what I have written - this is all about trust and respect and by carrying on like this he is passing a loud and clear message. You have a wonderful child and have nothing to feel bad about here.
Your job to protect and love your child.
Your OHs job to manage his insecurities....0 -
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+1
Just remember - as he might wear you down without you noticing it...
Without you having done the things you have done.
a) no child....
b) you would not be the person he fell in love with...
So don't feel bad about any of your past - everything we have done has shaped who we are now.
Seriously though - this is ALL about HIM - not about you at all. All to do with his insecurities. His fears. His lack of trust.
Instead of trying to make him feel better you need to protect yourself. People like this rarely are helped by other people - only he can help himself here...
Next time he starts this even a bit - you need to stop him in his tracks... The more he is let get away the worse it will get.
I too do not like ultimatums - but look at what I have written - this is all about trust and respect and by carrying on like this he is passing a loud and clear message. You have a wonderful child and have nothing to feel bad about here.
Your job to protect and love your child.
Your OHs job to manage his insecurities....
Thanks i will do that and i know you are right.I cant make it better for him only he can.I am putting my own feelings on back burner caring about how he is feeling.And you are right about the draining part i do feel drained when he brings up this stuff and gets in a bad mood.
I wont let my child live with me miserable walking on egg shells,in case he gets angry about my past.I am very laid back person and i have always been a softy.But when enough is enough i wont take it anymore.The other day was his last time to bring up my past.I wont put up with again i would be afraid would reflect on my child feeling like he is not wanted or unhappy.
Thanks again alot Really helped from your point of view. 0 -
Is his issue with you having been in relationships before him? Or is it that you had sex with other men before him? Or is it that you have a child with someone who isn't him?
How exactly does he express this?
I guess I'm just wondering is he someone who has a problem when you mention your past or is it a thing that he is controlling, doesn't want you talking to other men or going out? Or is his issue that he doesn't think he can accept your child.
It's hard to know what to advise when we don't know much about the problem he actually has or how he acts about what bothers him.
Hi ash I would say it is an issue i had sex with other men before him he has the problem with
He would never reflect that on to my child i know that much he treats him great and never any problems there.He expresses it by getting annoyed moody and when i try to find out whats bothering him he gets worse.It gets a case he gets angry about it and then gets angry at himself for getting angry about it and making me upset.Eventually he will calm down and tell me why and apologise for ages after.Only thing that is there of my past is my child.And i never bring it up the past relationships or anything.
We started out as friends so we talked about the past and what happened in life.Other than when we first became friends i wouldn't even think never mind talk about the past now.
He doesn't have a problem with me going out,he has often said to me head out why dont you. But does have a thing were he likes to know where i am all time.He says that's just because he worries.I don't go out.Talking to other guys is a big no unless family or family friends or cousins.But i don't mind that cause i don't have male friends and dont want them either.
Thanks for your reply ash 0 -
He doesn't have a problem with me going out,he has often said to me head out why dont you. But does have a thing were he likes to know where i am all time.
1st alarm bellTalking to other guys is a big no unless family or family friends or cousins.
2nd alarm bell
the third will be when he finally does lash out at you.
I'm sorry but these 2 things that you slipped into your response to Ash are two big warnings of someone who is possessive and with low self-esteem. Again - this is all about how he feels and you admit that you don't mind the 2nd so much as you don't need male friends - but what about blokes you work with? How soon before he loses it when you get served by a bloke in a store?
I mean - do you really know how ridiculous that sounds? Seriously.
This is less and less about him loving you and making you feel special - and more about him making himself feel better and ensuring you are under his control. So what are you getting from all this?
Do you feel loved above all else? Do you feel special? Do you feel safe and secure? Or is it still just drained.... Either he needs to turn himself around or all colour will continue to be sucked from your life - what a gray future you maybe face here. 0 -
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1st alarm bell
2nd alarm bell
the third will be when he finally does lash out at you.
I'm sorry but these 2 things that you slipped into your response to Ash are two big warnings of someone who is possessive and with low self-esteem. Again - this is all about how he feels and you admit that you don't mind the 2nd so much as you don't need male friends - but what about blokes you work with? How soon before he loses it when you get served by a bloke in a store?
I mean - do you really know how ridiculous that sounds? Seriously.
This is less and less about him loving you and making you feel special - and more about him making himself feel better and ensuring you are under his control. So what are you getting from all this?
Do you feel loved above all else? Do you feel special? Do you feel safe and secure? Or is it still just drained.... Either he needs to turn himself around or all colour will continue to be sucked from your life - what a gray future you maybe face here.
Hi Taltos
No problem with guys i would work with never was an issue.He means guys in street and strangers approaching me things like that.Not working with or shops.If it was that severe i would be gone long time ago.
I dont mind him knowing where i am all time either he always keeps me aware of he is,I just mean driving and home safe things like that.
He is very attentive and affectionate has a very soft caring side majority of the time,puts me first in everything before everyone(Unless emergencies ofc).I do feel safe and secure and special, its only when his issue with my past surfaces i feel drained.I know i cant make him feel better.There is not much i can say to him except i love him and he has to let the past go.
The constant worry in back of my head more than anything is how can i be with someone who has a problem with my past.I don't have any worries about him hitting me(That i would never believe he would do) And trust me if he did i would be so long gone dust wouldn't even show.No way on this planet i would allow my child to see that nor to live in that.If he does show signs of things like getting aggressive about a guy serving me in a shop etc.... i will run for the hills.
He has never once done that in street or showed signs of anger or when home if some guy served me in shop.
You are right he does need to change in the respect of his issues, i do feel not trusted even though he says he does trust me.I dont know i am playing by ear now,and waiting to see how long will be before he gets annoyed about my past again out of blue.If he holds to what he says then he is making a effort.
Other than the obvious and it is not constant he is a really great guy i love him very much.I just hope he can love me enough to let go of past and become more secure in our relationship.
I know he has to sort it out himself and i cant help, just reassuring him i love him is all i can do and show him i am loyal.
Thanks so much again for your replies 0 -
I am putting my own feelings on back burner caring about how he is feeling.He expresses it by getting annoyed moody and when i try to find out whats bothering him he gets worse.. But does have a thing were he likes to know where i am all time.He says that's just because he worries. I don't go out.
Talking to other guys is a big no unless family or family friends or cousins.But i don't mind that cause i don't have male friends and dont want them either.
Thanks for your reply ashHi Taltos
, i do feel not trusted even though he says he does trust me.
He does not trust you and you are putting your own feelings on the back burner. The more you do that the more you are telling him his feelings are more important than yours and that they are your responsibility to placate. You will never ever fill that void of insecurity, the more you bend to it the wider the goal posts become.
You don't go out? I guarantee you if you told him you were having a girly night out clubbing you would have the strop from hell on your hands.
If you did occasionaly socialise without him and had male friends it would be a major major problem for him and that is not healthy.
He is never going to trust you and the more you try to make him the more miserable you will be.
There seems to be a lot of inconsistency around what you will and won't tolerate from him but it is good that you do recognise that this is a problem. He is not emotionally secure enough to be engaged to. You are sacrificing a lot more than you realise in this relationship.
Can I ask you what he thinks of your friends? Usually insecure people are very threatened by good close relationships that their partner has with other people.0 -
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