Any Advice Welcome please

pilgrim1

I'm a 43 year old man who's been married for 11 years. I'm still mad about my wife, and have two gorgeous kids. Our family business failed recently, and my wife got a new job. She was under pressure in the business, and spent most of her working day alone. She loves her new job, but all of her colleagues are young free and single, and mostly male. There's nights out every weekend, and my wife enjoys going on them. She recently told me that although she still loves me, (said I was the perfect husband and perfect father), she just feels that she doesn't love me like she used to. She says she's really confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore. We've agreed to go to counselling. We're under huge financial pressure at the moment, which isn't helping, and I've just found out I'm to lose my job. I'm terrified that i'm about to lose my family and home aswell. I'm hurting so much, when you suddenly see your whole future slipping down the pan. Can't eat, sleep or smile anymore. Just don't know how to go on. Need some advice please

Payton

Ive seen your posts here and Im sorry to hear of your plight, but you have made the first step by going counciling. At this moment money is tight for most people and it's causing strain in most peoples relationships.
In some ways your wife has been upfront with you on how she feels which must be hard to deal with. Give her the space she needs and let her find her feet, in that way you can try and sort your own mind out.
She has admitted you are the perfect hubby and father and that has to stand to you and keep it that way.
Things have a way of sorting themselves out but it takes time, plenty of time.
Dont keep hassleing her, be pleasent when talking and maybe set aside on evening a week for you both to sit down and chat about how you both feel.
Keep us updated on how things are going.

seenitall

Your life is in a huge turmoil at the moment. I can relate to that as I had a big turmoil and trauma happen to me this time last year. I trusted someone with my future who I shouldn't have trusted, there was a con and a betrayal and it all crumbled away like sand through a sieve. I was mired in fear, anger and helplessness. It was a truly horrific experience, as I was also led to face the aspects of myself that I don't like. I was so traumatised that I used to call the Samaritans in the middle of the night as I didn't get a wink of sleep for days. Just talking to someone (almost anyone!) really helped, as did the counselling which I undertook a while later. I am now a different person as a consequence of all this, hopefully someone more careful and more selfless than I used to be.

This is all by way of telling you that, no matter how horrific it all seems right now (losing your job, your wife becoming ambiguous about the marriage, fear of losing your home and kids), it will all pass because it always does. You will come through this rough patch and you will be the better for it, whatever happens. I know how scary it is to feel that you may have to start your life all over again, but if that is the worst that can happen - ... just think about it. When you married your wife you were putting your happiness into someone else's hands and that is a terrifying thing to do. Nowadays there are no real guarantees in life and there is always the risk that it will all go pear-shaped at some point, but we take that risk because not making that deal means missing out on the best things in life, and who would want to do that? So we have to face the real possibility of losing a wife or a job with a spirit of acceptance, in the end.

Pilgrim, your username is so apt. Life is a journey and an adventure. Sometimes we are blessed with a lot (think of your kids, you will always be their dad), sometimes we lose big. That is what life is about. The trick is to keep your eyes on the bigger picture, to know to count your blessings at all times. You feel fear now, and that is understandable, but fearlessness is what is ultimately required. You will get there.

wurzlitzer

hi Pilgrim
Sorry to hear that you are going through all that you are going through right now.
its good that both of ye have agreed to go to counselling.

I recently came across a book in eason's bookshop that I wish I had found a long time ago

Its called " i love you but I'm not in love with you" seven steps to saving your relationship. It is by Andrew G. Marshall, and you can also buy it online from easons.

I have only got half way through the book, but alot of it is making sense to me. It is written by a relationship counsellor (UK based), who decided to write the book after he was encountering alot of couples coming in for guidance were one person had fallen out of love but that still cared very deeply about his or her partner, and that certainly did not want to hurt them.

So far , in the book it covers all the dynamics of love relationships, and how to deal with the problems that arise and also how you can take steps to re-ignite the love in the person whose feelings have changed. the book also goes through reasons that may have caused the persons feelings to change iand to re-evaluate, like a milestone birthday, a family crisis, work etc it might not be the relationship it could be something else.

Overall the message is that, love goes through cycles, and if you loved deeply and truly before, you can again, you just have to learn or identify the causes that have caused the persons feelings to change somewhat.

I agree with the previous posts the counselling will be worth the money in the long run.

Good luck and really hope that it works out for the two of you.

pilgrim1

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wurzlitzer

Hi,
BTW, I only bought the book after we had broken up and we had let external issues affect our relationship until one day he turned round and told me he loved me but he was not in love with me out of the blue.

the thing is if we had gone to counselling and recognised where our problems truly lay, we may still be together and strong as we were in the previous five years.

The thing is i played the victim, i thought i had done nothing wrong. but my self esteem was so low, i was so low that I had become distant, failing to make eye contact, needy, and unappreciative, i interrupted him when he was speaking, i reacted badly to criticism, one of my parents was ill at the time also and i felt that i was not getting the support i needed, when in reality i never let him in to help me cope.

I wish I had bought the book a year ago, just when it had started to go down hill.

Try and not see yourself as a victim
Please there are no victims, your partners behaviour maybe a result of something that you are doing in the relationship or the way you maybe reacting, that you do not realise that you are doing. Something small that can be easily dealt with.

First try not to feel sorry for yourself, try and become a good listener and really look into her eyes when you communicate, ask her how her day was when she comes home from work.

If you are sad, she will only pity you, be strong and open minded.

Be optimistic, things will work out.

I hope they do,

seenitall

There is no point in trying to rush this change your family is going through, however painful it may be. My guess is that your wife is at the moment confused and going through all sorts of changes of heart, as people do in any kind of big crisis (by crisis I mean a situation coming to a head), as I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she does love you or at least respects you enough to want to co-operate with you (or is on her way to doing so). I am guessing some space and time for her to work out these issues for herself would be a good idea, but not just for her benefit; you should be using that time to get your head around the idea of the "worst case scenario" and realise that it most probably would not mean the end of the world, while also keeping the delicate balance of your feelings still open for her to come back, if she decides to do that.

As a former spouse and part of an international marriage, I can tell you I would not dream of taking a child away from a loving parent to another country; it would be too cruel for words to break that special bond between parent and child. Since you say your wife is fully aware that you have been a good father, I am hoping that she would feel the same about this issue, but even if not, you should know that you do have some legal rights as a full-time parent, so if things turn sour, you should look into them by all means (not sure about the Irish Law, but where I come from, parents are entitled to stop each other taking children out of the country, for example).

I wouldn't worry about the intricacies of the modern dating scene just yet! Sure, it's far from being a barrel of laughs , but you are now in a period of great upheaval and change, so I don't need to tell you that you would be jumping the gun somewhat here!

Try and start thinking about your future, however scary it may seem, in a positive light. You need to show some mettle right now, you know this. Set some boundaries, give her some time (but only a reasonable amount!), sit down with her and come to some decisions together, regarding counselling or whatever. Be proactive. Show initiative, presence and strength. People respond to those qualities as a rule. I am sure you also know that fear and desperation are, unfortunately, conducive to further emotional estrangement, as well as being very unattractive. As for her prevarication and lies, confront her about them and let her know that they are unacceptable (as you may have done already), showing her at the same time that you are strong enough to take the truth, whatever it may be. Being lied to is much worse than taking the pain of rejection when honestly and respectfully delivered, surely? She needs to know that, think it through and come to some decisions accordingly. Anything else is heaping hurt upon hurt for you, so hold your own there, ok?

All the best.

profitius

pilgrim1 wrote: »

She loves her new job, but all of her colleagues are young free and single, and mostly male. There's nights out every weekend, and my wife enjoys going on them.

I bet she does!

pilgrim1 wrote: »

She recently told me that although she still loves me, (said I was the perfect husband and perfect father), she just feels that she doesn't love me like she used to. She says she's really confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore.

Shes telling you that you've been friendzoned! The dreaded friendzone.

The question now is how did you let this happen. Reading your post its a bit clearer. The lads in the friendzone usually have one major thing in common. They put the women up on a pedestal and treat them like queens. Thats ok in films but in reality women know that the "men" who do this have self esteem and confident issues. Its just not masculine behaviour.

It sounds like shes in charge of the relationship and you have little say. So she wears the trousers. Thats not exactly what women want and its a turnoff. Women want a man who takes charge, a leader.

Show her the masculine side of you and knock her off that pedestal! Thats what women want. If my GF told me she didn't love me like she used to I'd say no problem and end the relationship straight away no matter how hard it was. Also, I wouldn't allow her to go out to nightclubs with men (she doesn't like clubbing anyway).

pilgrim1 wrote: »

We've agreed to go to counselling. We're under huge financial pressure at the moment, which isn't helping, and I've just found out I'm to lose my job. I'm terrified that i'm about to lose my family and home aswell. I'm hurting so much, when you suddenly see your whole future slipping down the pan. Can't eat, sleep or smile anymore. Just don't know how to go on. Need some advice please

Counselling? Well I've just saved you alot of money and time. Whose idea was it to go to counselling? Personally I think its nonsense in 90% of cases.

It seems that as soon as the business went down your wife thinks less of you.

You have to be strong now and take control of your life. Make the big decisions and think positively. Your current mindset is making things worse. If you end up splitting up you'll find someone else.

Any questions just ask.