Can I start over at 40?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Would welcome opinions/thoughts/help on this... and apologies in advance for long post, but thanks for reading...

here goes... I am a 40 yr old single mom of two children, who i've raised alone unsupported for the past 10yrs. Divorced my ex after 12yrs of an abusive/violent/manipulative marriage, one child has moved out over a stupid row and is really punishing me ie will not take my calls, is abusive if i text and will not reply to emails. if i visit - they will not answer the door - thing is - i really haven't done anything to merit this punishment, have apologised repeatedly for things i said during row, but to no avail - have honestly tried everything to reconcile with my child (who's 20 btw) but they don't want to know.. they are now living with their dad (who's loving this) who's giving them world of freedom i.e lets the bf stay over, brings them drinking etc and they're having a ball... i'm devasted i've been shut out completely. but have tried to weather it till they calm down and are willing to be rational and sort it out, but this is going on 3mths now and i'm getting nowhere, i've gotten relatives to speak with my child and they agree they're going ott and she'll call me, but she doesn't bother - even mothers day... i didn't get so much as a text.. really hurt so for now i give up trying, as the pain of the rejection is really heartbreaking.

I have my other child 16 still living with me - but who has issues still with the breakup as it was very violent (i ended up in hospital after one attack from my ex) my children saw all of this... but have sought counselling for my child and we are making "some" progress - albeit slow - but its progress nonetheless..

For the past 10yrs i have struggled with supporting my kids and basically keeping everything afloat - which i did - got into serious financial trouble after the breakup and nearly lost my home.. but i survived it by getting 2jobs and working every hour i could.. great u'd think that lasted a couple of years and all seemed to be slowly going my way - but I lost my job a year and a half ago.... i am now on lone parents allowance and simply cannot survive.. i have been to MABS etc and still cannot manage - I can honestly say for the past 1.5 years i have had nothing but knock backs. I am now 12k in arrears with my mortgage (didn't have payment protection).. 4k arrears home improvment loan - i contacted my lender and offered them 50pw off each loan, and haven't been able to honour that - so don't feel i can go back to them now either I cannot even pay utility bills - I know it seems like a lot of loans but i could afford these no problem when i was working. in desperation at x-mas i went to a money lender - just so i could get oil to heat the house when it was freezing and buy food for x-mas day and small gifts for my kids.. they are looking for 100pw from my 270e pw.. stupid thing to do i know.. but had a courtcase pending (which i and my solicitor were sure i'd win) which if i did would have sorted out some of this mess - but found out yesterday that i lost the case... so my only hope was gone up in smoke... Another stupid move ... was relying on the justice system in this country.. but lesson learned.

I have tried EVERYTHING to get work - and nothing... one interview after 100's of applications.

My brother who is financially secure - refuses to help me in any way - i asked him today to for money to help me get food etc for the week - he completely ignored me.

Here i am today - My whole world has fallen apart... I honetly cannot take anymore. I am considering trying to sell my home before the bank reposess but property in my area simply are not selling. Even if it does sell - i will have let my children down, i really have failed them. and cannot live with myself knowing that. I keep thinking - there must be some hope.. this can't be it? but it looks like it is for me anyway.. i heard on the news few wks ago that the government are going to do something to help ppl in my situation.. but what? when? how?

I feel like such a failure - and am deadly serious when i say i have had nothing but bad luck for 1.5yrs now.. thing is i've been down this road before and don't think i can do it again..

So, is there hope? Friends say "sell up" go on the council list - get somewhere smaller... things like that, i know they are trying to be helpful but they don't seem to understand properties just aren't selling. Also, i'm still living in the same town as my ex and it's hard, but grew up here and it's all i know..

Was thinking today - just leave.. try and sell up (which will devasted my kids) when i say leave I mean the country - just go.. take my child and go... but where's a good place to go.. Australia? i'm too old for visa i think ? cameon islands? haven't a clue where to start ...

I'm totally lost - was so upset yesterday after losing the courtcase i had to ring the samaritans because i was so worried about the thoughts i was having... that was good cos it helped me make it to today...

I know anything is possible - so i guess i'm looking for hope that my life isn't over at 40 -that there's something i can do to get thru this. I've spent 40yrs of a really crappy time - even my childhood was extremely difficult. My ex has made a career of making my life miserable and now the people i care about the most are turning there backs on me... i'm only human and can't take this anymore.

What can i do now? I feel i have no where to turn anymore and all hope is lost

Sorry for rambling... i'm all over the place.. can't think/sleep/ or stop worrying

Any suggestions/thoughts/advice/help would be very much appreciated.

Thnks

Victor

You aren't a failure - you've got two children to adulthood under difficult circumstances.

Are you receiving all you entitlements? Are you claiming mortgage interest supplement?

Are you receiving maintenance for the younger child? Is that enough to cover the cost of rearing the child? Should it be reviewed?

Would you consider taking a lodger for the (I presume) spare room vacated by the older child?

Can I suggest you talk to:
1. MABS to discuss your financial problems. They are busy these days, but get on their list. www.mabs.ie Keep a record of everything you spend money on.
2. In the meantime talk to your local citizens information office and see what general advice they can give you. http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories
3. Your GP so they can assess how stressed you are mentally and whether you are thinking straight. They may be able to recommend something.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

You aren't a failure - you've got two children to adulthood under difficult circumstances.

Are you receiving all you entitlements? Are you claiming mortgage interest supplement?

Are you receiving maintenance for the younger child? Is that enough to cover the cost of rearing the child? Should it be reviewed?

Would you consider taking a lodger for the (I presume) spare room vacated by the older child?

Can I suggest you talk to:
1. MABS to discuss your financial problems. They are busy these days, but get on their list. www.mabs.ie Keep a record of everything you spend money on.
2. In the meantime talk to your local citizens information office and see what general advice they can give you. http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories
3. Your GP so they can assess how stressed you are mentally and whether you are thinking straight. They may be able to recommend something.

Hi Victor,
thank you for your prompt response.

I went to MABS in the early stages and they advised the 50e pw from mortgage and loan - i havn't been able to honour that - i don't feel i can go back now - especially when i didn't stick to their advice first time round?

I brought my ex to court before x-mas for maintenance - was awarded 78e for both children he paid for a couple of wks - then stopped all maintenance when my eldest moved out - and now.... he's taking me to court for her - it's a joke really he know's i don't have anything to give (she is in college) - so i'm facing court again but this time - it's him bringing me.

Yes i have thought of a lodger alright and will advertise today so that my help.. but with the courtcase coming up that'll go against me, ie extra income coming in.

I have been to the GP and he's prescribed xanax and anti depressants - haven't started these yet but will today - even needing these make me feel like a failure that i can't cope.

what's worrying me most is the mortgage - losing my home... and the let down my children will feel. I am getting all my entitlements from the state. I was refused mortgage suppliment on the grounds that it was not affordable mortgage given that i was working two jobs when i got it - even tho i kept up payments when i was working - my appeal was also dismissed. so that's a non runner.

thanks

Sir Oxman

OP, do go back to MABS - your financial circumstances have changed again, this is happening to many, many people throughout the country.
Finance is not static for anyone these days.
Whatever you do, don't bury your head in the sand in regards to even more heightened money problems.

I hope your family issues get resolved, I really do - and no, your life is not over at 40 - you were strong enough to raise your kids alone, you can be strong again to get through this.

I don't know about taking anti-d's, is your GP a thorough medical professional or one who prescribes pills for everything?

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

gambiaman wrote: »

OP, do go back to MABS - your financial circumstances have changed again, this is happening to many, many people throughout the country.
Finance is not static for anyone these days.
Whatever you do, don't bury your head in the sand in regards to even more heightened money problems.

I hope your family issues get resolved, I really do - and no, your life is not over at 40 - you were strong enough to raise your kids alone, you can be strong again to get through this.

I don't know about taking anti-d's, is your GP a thorough medical professional or one who prescribes pills for everything?

Best of luck OP.

Hi Gambiaman,

thanks for your response.. yes, i'm very wary of the anti depressants too - it's not a route i want to go down. I spoke at lenght with my GP and told him everything that was going on - how i felt, my eating/sleeping (lack of) and he said that in his opinion at this stage i need something to help me cope better - because at the moment i'm not coping - can't even think straight.

Was day dreaming yesterday of just up and leaving to a new country - just leave this mess/pain and hardship behind me... was nice while it lasted

I just feel i have tried Everything and there is no options for me?