Am I being unreasonable?

ladykitty

Hi Guys
I just need some advice on a very sticky situation. I met my boyfriend when I was 15yrs old. We fell in love and stayed in love for 3 yrs. We broke up when we were 18yrs old. He was my 1st love, my 1st everything. Although I know that is a very young age. We were inseparable and spent a lot of time together. We got on very well. My heart was broken when I caught him kissing another girl. But I loved him so much i stayed with him while he went out with her for awhile. yes that means he was going out with me and her for few months. it tore us apart and after i got the strength I broke up with him.
I met someone else and I lost contact with him. I had 2 long-term relationships after him and they didnt even come close to him in every department. I always felt I never stopped loving him.
7 yrs later we started writing emails to each other and next thing we know we were meeting up for chats and sleeping with each other. Within them 7 yrs apart he got married, bought a house and had 2 kids.I did know this when we started chatting but I knew that him and his wife were having problems of their own. Thats no excuse we fell in love again (or we both say we never fell out of love). he said he never stopped loving me and that were meant for each other.
When things became serious he told me that over the yrs with his wife he had a few affairs. This still did not bother me because i know im different. We are meant to be.
He split up with his wife and moved into the attic of his house so they were living separate lives practically. Nearly 6 months after that he left the house and moved in with me. We have been living together for nearly a yr and were together nearly 2 yrs.

My dilemma is... We have a lot of stress on our shoulders finacially and emotionally. He misses his kids a lot and is very down half the time. We live close by to the wife and kids and he sees them every day. I would say he spends about half a week with them but always comes back to me everyday. I never had a problem with that as I am the type of person that would never stand between him and his kids. Their only 3 and 6yrs old.
He is very much tied up there.. They had dogs together and he needs to go down there every day for her to walk the dogs while he minds kids. He goes down at 7.30am every morning to bring kids to school etc while she goes to work.
She is still in love with him and definately does not know about me. She still wants to be with him and is crying to him nearly every day to come back home. so when he comes home to me he is an emotional wreck. he makes him feel so guilty about kids etc. They havent even applied for a divorce or anything. Whenever I ask him about it he gets all stressed and snappy.
His mam knows about me and his sister but his dad and brother doesnt.
I feel so left out sometimes. I spent most of the night time on my own after work. I do all of the housework. He has his own business and its kind of slow at the minute. So I pay all most of the rent and bills. We are both constantly broke. I feel like I have sacrificied alot of things for this relationship and im 100% committed. But I feel he is not. He tells me otherwise as he left alot behind to be with me.
Anyway I could go into a lot more detail but I wont. Ill just go into 1 more senario. It was his sisters 21st and she invited me but she also invited his wife. She is still in contact with her because of kids and she said she couldnt NOT invite her. So when it came to the night of the party I was so upset because I couldnt go, because I wasnt part of the family because half of them didnt know about me. He ended up bringing her in his car. I was crying because he said he had to bring her and he walked out of the house annoyed and never even said goodbye and wouldnt answer his phone. He says I have to be secret for now because if she found out she would stop him from seeing his kids. He is trying to keep the peace with her as much as possible so that it will be easier when it comes to divorce etc. He says he wants to marry me and have kids with me in the future.
I know 100% he doesnt want to be with her so its not that im upset about. I just feel that I am always available for him and I do mostly everything for him and I dont get enough back. He spends most of his time with the kids in his own house coz he cant bring them here and if he is not there he is here on his laptop doing work. he goes to bed very late coz he cant sleep and i keep waking up looking for him to go to bed then I cant go back to sleep and its like 3am.
Am I crazy to think this will work?
We still love each other very much but is love enough?
Do I deserve better?
What more can he do?
Thank you so much guys for reading this extremely long letter but would love if anyone could write back.

Zaph

Moved from Help Desk

LegacyUser

ladykitty wrote: »

My heart was broken when I caught him kissing another girl. But I loved him so much i stayed with him while he went out with her for awhile. yes that means he was going out with me and her for few months.

So he cheated on you.

ladykitty wrote: »

When things became serious he told me that over the yrs with his wife he had a few affairs. This still did not bother me because i know im different. We are meant to be.

Then he cheated on her. You say you know you are different....different how?

ladykitty wrote: »

We live close by to the wife and kids and he sees them every day. I would say he spends about half a week with them but always comes back to me everyday. I never had a problem with that as I am the type of person that would never stand between him and his kids. Their only 3 and 6yrs old.
He is very much tied up there.. They had dogs together and he needs to go down there every day for her to walk the dogs while he minds kids. He goes down at 7.30am every morning to bring kids to school etc while she goes to work.
She is still in love with him and definately does not know about me. She still wants to be with him and is crying to him nearly every day to come back home. so when he comes home to me he is an emotional wreck. he makes him feel so guilty about kids etc. They havent even applied for a divorce or anything. Whenever I ask him about it he gets all stressed and snappy.

So he spends almost every waking hour there and comes to yours to sleep.

ladykitty wrote: »

So when it came to the night of the party I was so upset because I couldnt go, because I wasnt part of the family because half of them didnt know about me. He ended up bringing her in his car. I was crying because he said he had to bring her and he walked out of the house annoyed and never even said goodbye and wouldnt answer his phone. He says I have to be secret for now because if she found out she would stop him from seeing his kids.

For all intents and purposes, you are an affair. He may decide to string you along for years while the kids grow up and keep you secret.

ladykitty wrote: »

He is trying to keep the peace with her as much as possible so that it will be easier when it comes to divorce etc. He says he wants to marry me and have kids with me in the future.

Yet, money is tight and doesn't look like that will change for the foreseeable future. Divorce is expensive. He will bide his time, possibly for years.

ladykitty wrote: »

Am I crazy to think this will work?

I'm sorry but you really are just little more than 'the other woman' -hoping against hope that he will wave a magic wand and make your dreams come true. You are selling yourself short, patiently waiting and wasting your good years on a man who is already fully committed elsewhere.

You are clinging on desperately, maybe because he was your first love but you are wasting your time.

John Mason

this is harsh but he hasnt left his wife and family emotionally. he spends most of his time with his family and not you. he is quite happy to leave you at home alone, paying all the bills and looking after the house. what does he do for you ?

you are still the dirty little secret.

do you think you deserve better then this? i am not going to tell you give him an ultimatum because those are for children and game players.

you need to decide what you are worth and i know for sure what i would do but you have make that decision for yourself and no can tell you what to do.

good luck

kryogen

kinda get the feeling this is a joke tbh

Darlughda

ladykitty wrote: »

Am I crazy to think this will work?
We still love each other very much but is love enough?
Do I deserve better?
What more can he do?
Thank you so much guys for reading this extremely long letter but would love if anyone could write back.

No, I am sorry ladykitty but this will not work no matter what love you think there is. I have no doubt some if not most of it feels wonderful. Its such a pity he was the formative experience in your world of love, but you probably deserve better.

You do have to accept responsiblity for getting involved with such an obviously weak man who has children for goodness sake!

I think you know this already deep down. He didn't even tell the mother of his kids about you? This is a man I wouldn't even trust with my money for an ESB bill.

Do you have the courage to change your life and move away from this situation, otherwise nothing will change? It really is up to you, and it is your choice as hard as that may be.