Religious friend shunning me because I'm no virgin

LegacyUser

I started university last year and joined a sports society. Everyone in the group was male except me and one other girl. This girl, I'll call her Patsy, was painfully shy and quiet and hated talking to the males. For example, we would often get in the minibus to drive to our sporting activities, and if she wanted us to stop on the way for a toilet break she would never dare ask or even speak in front of the guys, she'd make me ask. This is just a small example, but anyway, because she was so shy I felt protective towards her and we became friends.

We were friends for a couple of terms and hung out together alot. It turned out that she's a devout christian who has led a very sheltered upbringing. Still, she started to come out of her shell a little, and actually began dating one of the phd students who lectures her in some classes. They just moved in together and share the same bed every night, although she claims nothing goes on between them (not that I care). Shortly after moving in together they got engaged. (pretty fast!)

Anyway, one day were hanging out and we were talking about holidays that each of us had been on in our lives. I told her about a time I'd spent studing abroad and how I'd had a brief realtionship with a man there. Horrified, she asked me, "aren't you a virgin?" I said no, and she asked me how many men I'd slept with. Over the course of my entire life, I said, 4. (I'm 23 years old). She asked me how serious the relationships had been. I told her that the first had been very serious with a view to marriage, the second had been a brief relationship with the foreign bloke, one was just a weekend long fling and the last was a one night stand with someone I had been friends with for a few months.

She was absolutely appalled, and let me know it. She actually had a go at me and let me know how disgusted she was with my behaviour (even though she knows I am not religious or anything). I pointed out that her fiance was not a virgin when he met her, he had a live-in girlfriend before her and they had had sex. She looked pissed off that I mentioned that, but said that his behaviour was ok because he had loved the girl. (yet he now loves her and she claims its not ok for her to sleep with him before marriage?)

Anyway, I said that we should just agree to disagree and everyone can live their own lives the way they see fit. But she carried on, telling me that no decent man will ever want me now and I'll never be able to fall in love and get married. I was offended but I thought we were still friends.

However, now whenever she sees me around she turns and walks off in the opposite direction and won't answer my texts. I'm upset because I thought we were friends, and this is also going to make things awkward at the sporting society. I just can't believe people are like this these days! But now I'm starting to wonder if she had a point, maybe decent men will be put off me in future? I don't know what to think or do.

Peggypeg

Hey,

Are you serious? That's just crazy. This is one broken friendship that I really wouldn't suggest you try to fix. The f*cking che*k of her, talk about judgemental!!! If I were you I wouldn't try to her be her friend anymore, you're WAY WAY WAY WAY better off without a "friend" like that. Seriously, cut all contact with that one.

The only men that will be put off by your past are either religious or virgins or hypocrites, you wouldn't want to be marrying anyone like that anyways, seriously don't be worrying about it.

Best of luck.

Cunning Stunt

Forget about her. Move on and find some other friends.

bronte

I couldn't possibly be friends with somebody that incredibly ignorant.

Let her live in her little judgemental bubble.

This is not something you should be upset over!

Ickle Magoo

1246confuzed wrote: »

But she carried on, telling me that no decent man will ever want me now and I'll never be able to fall in love and get married.

I'd say people who are virgins when they get married are very much in the minority so if she was right, there would only be a handful of people in love and/or married.

I think when someone has such fundamentally opposing views from you and, probably more importantly, foists them onto you then it's never going to be a successful friendship. Anyone who is so judgmental to a friend but has no issue hooking up with a man with a past is just a complete hypocrite, consider yourself well rid!

If I was you I'd stop texting her because you are just pandering to her delusion that she's right to think and say such a thing to you and try to meet some other friends. I'd let people know why she's blanking you if it becomes an issue at the sporting society but her archaic views are very much in the minority, I don't think it's you they are going to think is a bit odd.

Best of luck.

Taltos

A true friend would not judge you like this.
Chances are she was using you - someone to talk to / convert....

Forget about her and her hypocrisy and just live your life away from poisonous sacs like her.

Southsider1

So, OP, let me get this straight in my mind. You want this girl to accept you and your lifestyle beliefs even though it goes against her beliefs? What gives you that right?

The daily Christian bashing posts are getting a bit tedious now.

syklops

No pun intended but F**K her. She will have to remember to go to the toilet before getting on the bus from now. That or hold onto it.

As a matter of interest, is she christian? Or Other?

Mike 1972

Peggypeg wrote: »

The only men that will be put off by your past are either religious or virgins or hypocrites

Agree but perhaps you are being a bit unfair on virgins ?

LegacyUser

Southsider1 wrote: »

So, OP, let me get this straight in my mind. You want this girl to accept you and your lifestyle beliefs even though it goes against her beliefs? What gives you that right?

The daily Christian bashing posts are getting a bit tedious now.

How exactly am I bashing christians? I haven't slagged her or Christianity off, she is the one who has been rude to me. I'm not sure what you mean by "expecting her to accept my lifestyle beliefs," I just thought that we were friends and am hurt that she would ditch me because of this. I accept her living her life the way she wants to, is it really wrong of me to have hoped that she could stay my friend despite me not being a virgin? Just because 2 people are going to a sports club together doesn't mean that she is going to be infected by my lack of virginity, nor does it mean she has to be rude and unpleasant. Do you cut everybody, even good friends, out of your life just because you find out that they don't share your lifestyle?

Cunning Stunt

Southsider1 wrote: »

So, OP, let me get this straight in my mind. You want this girl to accept you and your lifestyle beliefs even though it goes against her beliefs? What gives you that right?

The daily Christian bashing posts are getting a bit tedious now.

er, no. The OP said

I said that we should just agree to disagree and everyone can live their own lives the way they see fit.

..The only 'bashing' going on is the verbal bashing the OP got from her so-called friend.

Southsider1

1246confuzed wrote: »

I haven't slagged her or Christianity off, she is the one who has been rude to me.

Haven't slagged her off? What was that original posting then? A compliment?

Zaph

Please stay on-topic folks.

Thanks.

cafecolour

Removing my OT post.

LegacyUser

Southsider1 wrote: »

Haven't slagged her off? What was that original posting then? A compliment?

It was a statement describing events in the order in which they occurred.

dan_d

OP I don't think you're going anywhere with that one. She's entitled to her beliefs of course, but you're probably not going to convince her on it. I think maybe you should chalk it up to experience and move on to be honest. It's just one of those things.....people can feel really strongly about their religion. You wouldn't know what she's been told at home all along either, or how it's been drummed into her.Let's face it, if she was Muslim or something, she'd have equally strong beliefs on alcohol etc, and we'd just accept it. Think it was a bit odd, but accept it.

As long as she's pushing her beliefs down your throat, your'e probably not going to get anywhere with her. Don't feel bad, just move on and try not to worry too much about it.

Taltos

OP

You come across as someone with an open mind - willing to accept people for who they are and what they believe.

I personally applaud you.

Unfortunately in life you will meet people who proclaim one thing and live another. It is a hard lesson to have - especially from someone you had welcomed into your life. But it is a good lesson to have.

Unfortunately some people do put forward one face and live by a whole different set of rules.

Do not let this bad experience put you off making friends or being who you are. Hopefully your next friend who ask so many probing questions will be able to just accept you for you. But in this case your friend above clearly is not able to.

irishh_bob

hi op , your ex friend sounds altogether strange , from joining a club which was clearly overwhelmingly male and then being afraid to ask for bathroom breaks in front of the mostly male group , to claiming she sleeps with her boyfriend yet is still a virgin , you went out of your way to be nice to her and she thanks you by condemming your morality

tenchi-fan

Hi
4 sexual partners is not a lot and it seems your friend just seeks some moral highground over you to feel superior.
truth is, she's rather pathetic. she's a neurotic little bitch who is too scared to ask for the bus to be stopped in case people think she needs to piss like everyone else.
Do you not realise you are better than this. you can experiment a bit sexually, and realise the importance of experience in finding the right man. this girl is just so submissive and pathetic... she's putting you down and being passive aggressive by blanking you while treating her boyfriend (with a similar sexual history to you) as christ incarnate.
Just leave her to it. You're better than she is so don't let her bigotry (in a sense) tell you otherwise.

Esel

Next time she needs to pee, ask the driver to stop. When she gets off the bus, tell the driver to proceed. Problem solved.

Cunsiderthis

Southsider1 wrote: »

So, OP, let me get this straight in my mind. You want this girl to accept you and your lifestyle beliefs even though it goes against her beliefs? What gives you that right?

The daily Christian bashing posts are getting a bit tedious now.

If only we had started christian "bashing" years ago, perhaps some of those children who were raped, buggered and abused by those who pontificate to the rest of us about how we should live our lives, might have been spared their torture.

Seriously, if christians are to be above "bashing" ( ie questioning), then that is the perfect environment for them to continue their abuse.

thee glitz

1246confuzed wrote: »

Still, she started to come out of her shell a little, and actually began dating one of the phd students who lectures her in some classes.

That's kinda inappropriate.

They just moved in together and share the same bed every night.

I don't know where your friend's coming from at all here. There are priests (don't start) who wouldn't marry
a cohabiting couple but I wouldn't bother mentioning these points too her. It's not long ago since this would
have been a big no-no in my family and would still be if it was soon into a relationship (under 1yr maybe).

She seems v.immature and was upset that she thought she'd found another virgin to be friends and generally
share views with. She probably (unreasonably) feels betrayed and a bit lonely. Hopefully she'll realise her
hypocritical ways and grow up a bit. The part about never finding a decent man who'd want you deserves a big apology.

I had a Muslim friend like that. The friendship ended when she was shocked and appalled to find out I was sleeping with my boyfriend, at the age of 21. I got so angry because I had always been so tolerant of her beliefs, not ordering alcohol when we went to dinner, letting her choose places with halal meat etc and yet she couldn't even understand why someone else might have different beliefs. It wasn't even like I was living in a Muslim society, SHE was a guest in MY country and it really annoyed me that I was made to feel bad for not following a religion I'm not part of and have no interest in.

I could understand some initial shock at you having had casual sex but it shouldn't have carried on past that. Sounds like she's immature and sheltered enough to believe her beliefs are common and mainstream, which obviously they are not in this day and age. She's going to find it hard to find virgin friends, especially as she gets older, so she'll have to change her views if she doesn't want to end up alone.

Cheap Thrills!

Wow! OP, the girl doesn't seem too bright.

None of her arguments are even cogent...its alright for her to cohabit because they supposedly don't have sex and it was ok for her BF to sleep with his ex cos they loved each other....blah, blah...make it up as she goes along....waffle!!!

I would outright shame this fool by telling everyone who asks why the two of you have fallen out. If she is so proud of her ridiculous stance then she'll have no problem with everyone knowing it will she!?

She sounds really cringeworthily immature (more like a 13-14 year old) in her thinking. Either that or she is mentally not all there....wow

Nevyn

Cunsiderthis that is off topic to this thread and not helpful to the op.
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Dinxminx

What a nutter. Ignore her!

miec

now whenever she sees me around she turns and walks off in the opposite direction and won't answer my texts. I'm upset because I thought we were friends, and this is also going to make things awkward at the sporting society. I just can't believe people are like this these days! But now I'm starting to wonder if she had a point, maybe decent men will be put off me in future? I don't know what to think or do.

Sadly Op your ex friend is so deeply entrenched in her fundamental views that she cannot see the bigger picture, unfortunately you will have to cut your losses but I would urge you not to take on her views. She is wrong that decent men will be put off by you, she is putting her views of sex onto you and she has adopted these from a deeply shame based religious ideology that is corrupt and anti human. Be yourself, own your choices and never let anyone undermine your choices, that is one of the privileges of being human, we have the free will to make our own choices.

I could add how much your ex friend is a hypocrite but then many fundamental religious people are but you cannot reason with them because they cannot see it, heck even Jesus tried to tell them when he said 'hypocrite take the beam out your own eye before you speak of the speck in your brother's eye' well it is words to that effect in one of the gospels, but I can't remember it precisely.

Sadly this is one of the experiences you have to chalk up to.

ravima

Sadly, some non-denomination 'christians' can be unchristian in outlook. We must love the sinner, even though we might hate the sin. YOU are to be loved as a fellow child of God, whatever she thinks of the sin.

neuro-praxis

As a practicing Christian, your friend sounds like a total nutcase. I don't know anyone in my community who would behave like she does.

(By the way, she doesn't sound actually like a practicing Christian, as typically there is quite a taboo surrounding live-in relationships between unmarried self-professed Christian couples.)

I don't think you've lost much by losing her.

Tender Hoop

tell her to get some cock into herself.

Zaph

Tender Hoop wrote: »

tell her to get some cock into herself.

Banned for a week

LegacyUser

She sounds like my mother (who is crazy). My mother always preached to me that sex before marriage is wrong, no man will respect you if you have sex with him before you are married, blah blah blah. I asked her if she practised what she preaches and of course no she didn't. Typical Madonna/whore complex.

Dudess

Southsider1 wrote: »

So, OP, let me get this straight in my mind. You want this girl to accept you and your lifestyle beliefs even though it goes against her beliefs? What gives you that right?

The daily Christian bashing posts are getting a bit tedious now.

So, Southsider1, let me get this straight in my mind. You're selecting and misinterpreting bits of the OP's post (while ignoring others) in order to go against the grain for the sake of it?

1246confuzed wrote: »

But now I'm starting to wonder if she had a point, maybe decent men will be put off me in future?

Good god absolutely not! Some guys find a large number of previous partners off-putting, but four by the age of 23? Hardly any men would take issue with that - certainly not decent men.
In general, I prefer sex to be more than purely physical, but I'm single a few months and not particularly looking for a relationship at the moment. And I'm a grown woman with physical needs, so if I get the urge for a casual encounter or booty call (where there's mutual understanding) I will go for it. And sod those who'd judge me for not remaining chaste just because it's not the "decent" thing for a woman to do, in their opinion.

Dave!

Tell her to GTFO

Forget about her OP, there are c*nts everywhere and you unfortunately encountered one

Taltos

Dave! wrote: »

Tell her to GTFO

Forget about her OP, there are c*nts everywhere and you unfortunately encountered one

+1
Absolutely - do you not see - she has managed to offload some of her shame at sleeping / not sleeping with her bedmate onto you....
What do you really think was at the root of all this.

It is all to do with how she is feeling about herself, her judgement of others to make herself superior - and not at all about helping anyone or practicing what she preaches.

Cut this poisoned beetroot from your life post-haste...

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, I've been thinking about it and I think she is the one with the problem. None of the other devout religious people at the university are horrible to me, in fact the other Christians and Muslims, both male and female are really friendly and just nothing like her.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

By the way, she doesn't sound actually like a practicing Christian, as typically there is quite a taboo surrounding live-in relationships between unmarried self-professed Christian couples.

I don't think you've lost much by losing her.

Well, this is another reason why she is such a hypocrite. Despite being a devout catholic who goes to church every day and is studying christian theology and basically devotes her whole life to her religion, and despite critisising me for not being a virgin, her own fiance lost his virginity before he met her, and is a devoted atheist who actually runs seminars and gives lectures on why God does not exist. They aren't a "Christian couple" at all, he just tolerates her beliefs. He is really nice though, he is still kind and friendly to me when I see him around.

Oh, and I told a mutual friend who lived in the same house as the "happy couple" for a while about this, and it turns out that she has actually been very rude and unfriendly to him too, and that is what drove him out of the houseshare. Apparently he also witnessed her being extremely rude, bossy and demanding to her fiance. Now I know she's unfriendly to other people as well, I don't feel so bad.

WesternNight

What surprises me the most is that she was so shocked to discover that you weren't a virgin. Whatever about adhering to religious beliefs, it's another thing to have no idea what's going on in the world around you. It's hard to tell whether she's really THAT sheltered, or whether she's just one of those people who likes to seem superior to others and uses religion as a handy way to go about it.

Either way, it's not worth the hassle.