Another Why am I single post sorry..

LegacyUser

Or should it be a low self esteem post...
Im a female in my late 30s. Having decided about 2yrs ago go try the dating game, I have gone through 6 relationships. 6 very nice men - some nicer than others...bided my time with them all in the bedroom department. Some relationships longer than others - one guy for 4 months..the rest for a little less, so in fairness, they might not be called 'relationships'.
But they have all ended the same way.
Things get a bit odd for me. I get the feeling the guy is just not interested anymore. Pick up on every single thing he does/doesnt do. And throw it back at him. E.g. you said you'd ring, you didnt ring. We're over.
Ultimately, I end it before I think they are going to end it. I'm not sure that they are going to end it though - I feel like Im protecting myself from the hurt of their rejection. And so I reject them. And yet still feel the hurt.
How do I end this cycle?
One of the guys in particular, I really, really liked. He swore he wasn't going off me...but I couldnt believe him. he still texts or rings me the odd time.
I know this is a self esteem issue. Inn other aspects of my life, I am the most confident person you could meet. I could stand in a room of 100 people and make a speech - wouldnt frazzle me in the least.
But when it comes to men and my emotions and my fear of them rejecting me, I'm useless.
Ive been to counselling over the years (issues with my mother)..and thought I was over all this cr*ap but last week I did it again with a recent boyfriend...He's been back in touch to say I got it all wrong..but I'm once again afraid to meet up for fear of repeating this.
So how do I fix this? All comments really, really appreciated..thanks

pilph

I have seen this happen with one particular girl I was seeing. She picked up on every little thing to mean I didn't want her and it cased massive problems.

My own feeling is you have to trust the other person. If they say they will phone & they don't, maybe it's just down to them being tired or busy doing something else.

Assumptions can make you think all sorts, but if you are ending it to avoid getting hurt, it is a self defence mechanism that does nobody any good. My advice to you would be to relax and enjoy the positives of any relationship because life is good. When you start enjoying the positives of the relationship you are in, then you will see the benefit in not jumping to conclusions.

LegacyUser

Thanks Pilph. I'd hate to think I was that girl. I really, really don't like this side of myself.
I do enjoy the good, I really do. I try to stay positive but the minute the other person does something that feels like (even a tiny) rejection to me, i'm outta there.

I should add, that the issues with my mother were those of rejection. She's long deceased now, but we had a bad relationship. She didn't really want me, told me all the time that she should never have had me. So I know its a very deep rooted emotion for me - this fear of rejection.
But I'm just sick of it now. Sick, sick, sick of it. And I want to stop it. But I don't know how.

LegacyUser

Op again.
So are there NO pearls of wisdom from the boardies for me? Surely someone must have had this fear of rejection thing going on in their own lives and figured out a way to get over it?

Lux23

I think you know the answer to your own question OP. You obviously suffer from a huge fear of rejection and rather then let it happen you end everything first. I think if you are going to move on with your life you will need to get some councilling to get to the bottom of this problem. You said yourself that the last boyfriend told you had gotten it all wrong so I think you know what your problem is, question is can you stop doing this? Are you strong enough? I can't answer that only you can.

How Strange

Unregistered wrote: »

Or should it be a low self esteem post...
Im a female in my late 30s. Having decided about 2yrs ago go try the dating game, I have gone through 6 relationships. 6 very nice men - some nicer than others...bided my time with them all in the bedroom department. Some relationships longer than others - one guy for 4 months..the rest for a little less, so in fairness, they might not be called 'relationships'.
But they have all ended the same way.
Things get a bit odd for me. I get the feeling the guy is just not interested anymore. Pick up on every single thing he does/doesnt do. And throw it back at him. E.g. you said you'd ring, you didnt ring. We're over.
Ultimately, I end it before I think they are going to end it. I'm not sure that they are going to end it though - I feel like Im protecting myself from the hurt of their rejection. And so I reject them. And yet still feel the hurt.
How do I end this cycle?
One of the guys in particular, I really, really liked. He swore he wasn't going off me...but I couldnt believe him. he still texts or rings me the odd time.
I know this is a self esteem issue. Inn other aspects of my life, I am the most confident person you could meet. I could stand in a room of 100 people and make a speech - wouldnt frazzle me in the least.
But when it comes to men and my emotions and my fear of them rejecting me, I'm useless.
Ive been to counselling over the years (issues with my mother)..and thought I was over all this cr*ap but last week I did it again with a recent boyfriend...He's been back in touch to say I got it all wrong..but I'm once again afraid to meet up for fear of repeating this.
So how do I fix this? All comments really, really appreciated..thanks

OP, your answer is in your post really. You know exactly why you're single. You seem to be meeting guys so that's not the problem.
I'd say you should consider cognitive behaviour therapy because you're definitely stuck in a pattern of behaviour.