Some parents are predisposed towards violence.

Deliverance

In my view it is simply just that. Some people are predisposed towards violence and hitting to gain control. Others are not in the same school of thinking i.e. the 'smarter folks'?.

I often wonder if there is a definite difference i.e. the violent people over the intelligent folks?

I have never hit my child, I get annoyed by her views a lot and she challenges me a lot. At the same time I would not hit her to make her learn or think my way as a lesson.

She respects me a lot as such. But at the same time she still challenges me, it makes me angry but I would not raise a hand towards her to shut down her wrong views as a child. I just suck it up and take a deep breath and look at her point of view.

I respect my child and her point of view of the world. And more importantly I respect her intelligence however wrong it may be at times. As a parent I do this.

My child as a result respects me (so far anyway).

I don't need violence to gain respect from my kids, I listen to them and argue with them over hitting them and that to me is more important as a learned skill. Personally I find this level better than a smack.

Nevyn

I think it comes down to how we were parented as kids, parenting skills are passed down and if that was give them a smack then when that changes something else as to be used or else there is a vacum. We have gone in a very short space of time from it being acceptable for teachers to hit kids never mind parents and nothing replaced that for a lot of families.

smelltheglove

I dont think it has anyting to do with intelligence at all, or where people or from or how much money the parents had etc etc etc. I dont think anyone should be able to use the excuse 'well my parents did it to me and it caused no harm' or any variation of this. I do not hit my kids, I dont intend on ever doing it, I was never hit whilst I was growing up bar a slap in the face from my mother once and she would have been a lot more well to do than my father. I think trying to put it down to intelligence or anything of the sort is a discrimination really, does it mean that intelligent people will not hit their kids, I seriously doubt it, maybe they might be better at hiding the fact that they do though!

I'm sorry if I have taken it up wrong but to me on first read it sounds like you are dividing all people into intelligent or violent, are you intelligent? Is that why you dont hit your child, or is it because you know it is cruel and you love the child?

Ickle Magoo

Deliverance wrote: »

I often wonder if there is a definite difference i.e. the violent people over the intelligent folks?

Definitely not. I know some extremely intelligent people who smack their kids. I think it has more to do with the parenting tools they were given/demonstrated by their own parents and a lack of will or motivation to find an alternative method of discipline.

CathyMoran

I dont believe that the cycle of violence has to be repeated.

Mitch Connor

I hate this thought that kids should be reasoned with on all occassions. If they are being particularly bold, a smack is appropriate. the amount of terribly behaved kids that you see in shops with parents just watching them scream, rip stuff off the shelves, soil food products etc and they say, "that is bold Tarquin, don't do that, remember what mummy/daddy said to you". Kids throwing tantrums don't listed to reason, a smack will get their attention quicker than placating them.

Das Kitty

My Dad has an IQ of over 160. He battered my older brothers and my Mam.

So no, intellegence isn't the dividing factor.

I'd propose empathy mixed with the parenting styles of your parents and those around you.

As CathyMoran says, you can break the cycle, but I see it in my own family, my elder brothers were violent as teenagers and still talk of leg breakings when they're mad. My younger brother and I are not in any way violent barring the odd spark when we were kids.

I personally couldn't raise a hand to anyone, let alone a child and it upsets me to see people smack their kids or anyone. I even feel sick at the sounds of an argument, so I suppose I'm affected in my own way.

theg81der

I think its fair to say that the majority of people from lower socio economic backrounds ie. poor estates have experienced violence in the home and where do the majority or violent criminals come from.....Its a no brainer for me violence doesn`t work to teach kids anything except violence.

And I don`t think its relative to intelligence said people have a frustration and a lack of oppurtunity that can lead to their violent behaviour. Give them the same backround an oppurtunities and who can say what they`d have achieved.

Nevyn

There should be state parenting classes availibe to all parents and ran in school in the evenings or at weekends.

Kids can't be reasoned wiht all of the time but, I have found that doing so is bulding rust and respect with them so that when you tell them to do something in the Mammy/Daddy tone of voice they will respond and you can explain later.

The learning curve imprinting the parental tone of voice starts when to go through the terrible twos and threes and is a struggle but once that is done and the child at hte age of 7 has learned that parents tell them what to do for good reasons and have learned to respect thier parent then the foundations are set up for the rest of the child's life.

Deliverance

Based on the above replies Thank you for the replies by the way. I think I asked a question about some people being more violent than others with intelligence as a factor. I come from a large family brought up in a recession so that is a socio economic background that is lesser than others, I am still none violent.

I experienced violence personally from many angles: socially and from an alcoholic stepdad from a young enough age, I am still none violent (I learned to fight back in a different way) Physically I could not win. But I fought back in my own way.

My real dad was violent due to alcohol (unlucky or what). Anyway growing up I was as soft as anything on the outside because I was a 'thinker', A thinker about why I was getting hammered in the family situation and other stuff. As a thinker, this seemed to attract the bullies in school and other areas as well, massive irony I know.

All these bullies got a shock when... I fought back effectively and immediately using words, easy to do, that worked 99% of the time to back them off. But the odd punch had to be thrown as well as a last resort in some cases.

IQ does not mean sqat in my opinion in this case. It is only a means test. I still do not see how a fist can take precedence over a thought.

So from this learned experience I do think, feel, that I have found a case in point that some people are naturally violent by my experience. And some folks also experience bullying as being different to these people.

I still experience, attract bullying in the work place because I am quiet. It is a shock to the bullies to find me more than capable of standing up to them. I tend to bully the bullies once pushed to do so. They bring it on themselves really;)

I often wonder about their nature and intelligence. Personally I find 'them' lacking.

Victor

CathyMoran wrote: »

I dont believe that the cycle of violence has to be repeated.

Of course change happens, but sometimes its needs an intervention, whether big or small.

BostonB

Theres a certain amount of irony, to admit to using force, verbal and physical even bullying, and also declare that people who use force, and bullying are lacking. Or indeed that it doesn't work, then give examples of it working.

This thread doesn't seem to be about parenting at all.

Deliverance

BostonB wrote: »

Theres a certain amount of irony, to admit to using force, verbal and physical even bullying, and also declare that people who use force, and bullying are lacking. Or indeed that it doesn't work, then give examples of it working.

This thread doesn't seem to be about parenting at all.

Disagree, it is about parents that are bullies towards their kids. It does happen in that respect. So it is relevant. It is certainly complex that is for sure. But in a way it needs to be not ignored.

BostonB

So you don't get it.

Deliverance

I get it. I have got it everyday of my life. Simple answer to a simple quesition really in your case.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

CathyMoran wrote: »

I dont believe that the cycle of violence has to be repeated.

It's best that the cycle doesn't continue, but it may be extremely difficult to break if you were raised in such a way that a slap on the arse was the norm. In my opinion that is fine. See? I grew up with that and I find it to be normal. Others didn't grow up with that and find that to be violent.

Linking violence with intelligence or lack of, is not a good thing. How can you link the two?

BostonB

Deliverance wrote: »

I get it. I have got it everyday of my life. Simple answer to a simple quesition really in your case.

What question?

bogtotty

theg81der wrote: »

I think its fair to say that the majority of people from lower socio economic backrounds ie. poor estates have experienced violence in the home

Are you suggesting that the majority of poor people experience violence in the home, or that the majority of violence in the home is experienced by poor people? Either way I'd like to know what you're basing that on. Being poor does not in itself predispose individuals to violence.

theg81der

Having previously lived in one of these areas I would confidently say that violence is more prevelent, thats not to say that violence does not occur behind closed doors in more affluent areas, its just not as prevelant or "normal".

Its born more out of frustration and fear, they are more likely to lack an education which with arm them with the language to express their anger.

Deliverance

theg81der wrote: »

Having previously lived in one of these areas I would confidently say that violence is more prevelent, thats not to say that violence does not occur behind closed doors in more affluent areas, its just not as prevelant or "normal".

Its born more out of frustration and fear, they are more likely to lack an education which with arm them with the language to express their anger.

Violence is more obvious in so called 'lesser educated' people? If one is 'educated' then it may be easier to hide the violence thus making it less 'prevelant or "normal" due to social peer pressure in their learned circles (education in their lives possibly just makes it less obvious maybe)? It could still go on despite education, and I am sure it does regardless.

I think the key is as you said:frustration and fear. This is something that affects people in all walks of life regardless of education or lack of said education. So far my opinion due to appreciated feedback, is that education is not a common denominater. It is more likely that fear and frustration is more of a factor.

I would personally rule out frustration as a common denominator due to my own frustration and subsequent anger / concern at life in general, I tend to offset this anger and frustration by trying to learn more about what I do not understand (and that is a lot).

I wish to understand this situation more after becoming a parent. And it makes me wonder about how I cannot strike my child in the abusive sense to a point of humiliating them (it is not a slapping debate), that is another issue altogether.

As a parent however, I look at my child, she challenges me at times, she makes me angry at times, sometimes she makes me so frustrated. But for the life of me I cannot and would not strike her in anger. It makes me think about why some parents do this in the extreme.

I think though that from experience that some folks are predisposed towards violence as such.

Apologies for long post but I cannot find shorter words to express what I think about this suggestion. I appreciate patience and replies.

metrovelvet

A lot of people grew up with corporal punishment in the home and or at school. And when they get frustrated they revert to what they know.

I think I was probably of the last generation where if the belt, wooden spoon, or hairbrush was used the social workers wouldnt be called. It wasnt considered all that bad, in fact it was not universal but fairly common.

Deliverance

metrovelvet wrote: »

A lot of people grew up with corporal punishment in the home and or at school. And when they get frustrated they revert to what they know.

I think I was probably of the last generation where if the belt, wooden spoon, or hairbrush was used the social workers wouldnt be called. It wasnt considered all that bad, in fact it was not universal but fairly common.

In a strange way I think that you have a good point there metro. It sparked a memory: I got the hairbrush from my mum once (previously she never raised a hand), I commited an evil act as a child and I have to say that I deserved it for my actions at the time.

Feck you have got me thinking now. I was a little monster when I think about it;)