Addicted to porn

Jim095

Is anybody in the same boat here? I've been into porn for years, since I was a kid, and I never thought it was an issue. But now I'm 37 and I feel like I can't live without it. I love my wife, couldn't ask for better, but this is killing our relationship and our sex life. Last weekend she found a load of stuff on my laptop and is really hurt. We've only been married two years, and this is the first time she's found out about it. I want this stuff out of my life, but even when I go a few days without looking at porn, these girls are still burned into my brain.

My mates keep telling me that it's not an issue, that it's completely normal. But then why do I feel so hollow every time I look at the stuff. There was a guy on the radio this morning talking about his addiction, so I know I'm not the only one.

LegacyUser

Your mates think it is normal to be addicted to porn!! No, it is not normal, if it is in the back of your mind everyday. Because things like that disrupt lives and hurt those that are closest to you. With all addictions it is the same thing, from alcohol to drug addiction...the costs are the same.

You need to talk with someone about this before it really gets in the way of your marriage. You need to talk with your wife and not your mates about this and see if you can both help to get this sorted. You do need support.

This may be of help to you. http://www.csa-addictions.ie/

LegacyUser

If you are in Dublin, you should attend a talk in the Sugar Club on Leeson St tonight (Thursday). it is a talk by an ex porn actress about her experience and about how women in porn are so often abused. Apparently they are often take drugs to get them through their scenes and are often forced into doing things they'd rather not do. I also believe that there will be somebody else there talking his own problems with addiction.

As far as I know its just a public information talk, it's not a meeting for porn addicts or anything like that so there should be no feeling of shame in going along.

Fysh

The use of pornography is a behavioural thing rather than a physical addiction, but if it's a decades-old habit it's probably going to be a tough change to make so getting help would be a good idea.

vicecreamsundae

have you tried going with out? say deciding to go for a month without looking up any? even if at first you find masturbation difficult or boring, i think after a week or two you might rediscover the ability and excitement of fantasising, whether you're making something up in your head, or re-living a particular good episode of sex you've had with your wife.

i can't believe you married someone without them knowing anything about your porn habit, if she really had no clue before she must be rather upset. some people can take it realllly really personally and as a sign you don't find them attractive enough if you look at others while you masturbate.

i think you should definitely have a go at not using porn for a while. but also, seeing as you are so concerned should maybe talk to someone about addiction. and certainly talk with your wife.

Mozart1986

Fysh wrote: »

The use of pornography is a behavioural thing rather than a physical addiction, but if it's a decades-old habit it's probably going to be a tough change to make so getting help would be a good idea.

In my view, all addictions are partly behavioural and partly physiological. Porn addiction is most certainly physiological as well as psychological and behavioural. Today is Friday, so I hope you went to that talk, or thought about going even if you didn't manage. If you change your image of these women, whether you learn to pity them or you start to be repulsed by them (same affect really) you will find it more difficult to get aroused by them. They play a role in pornography, even in gonzo-porn, which is supposed to have destroyed the role playing side, so you have to deconstruct the role and see it for what bit is, stupid girls getting taken advantage of. Thats not a moral thing. I mean, even if you take a purely libertarian view and say that they equal partners in a market system providing a service, just like plumbers and lawyers and chefs, they are still taken advantage of because they think that the only valuable asset that they have is their sexuality. They might be idiots and deserve to be taken advantage of for that reason (not my view, but it would be some people's), but they are still taken advantage of. You have to destruct the myths that the women themselves, and the pornographic industry, perpetuate. These myths, which are obvious when you give them thought, WILL filter through to your relationships, as they are mostly under the surface and you won't be directly aware that you are perpetuating them over. Then they could filter through to you children and you could create disfunctional people. Thats just how people work and its what happens with pornography.

Also, calling it an addiction is an excuse for people that haven't convinced themselves that they shouldn't have it yet. You haven't convinced your body that it won't get it because it has been physiologically conditioned to reacte to those external stimuli the way it does. The way you do this is to recondition your mental and physiological states to the fact that you won't actually get the physiological reward (of a ****) so there is no point in getting aroused. If you give in every time you are aroused then your body will just think (like a spoiled child) that it is always and completely entitled to get everything it wants. Like with cigarettes. The craving is strongest when your body/brain think that it is going to get a hit of nicotene. So your body prepares to for the intake, which is where the craving comes from. Once you convince your body and mind that you won't get the satisfaction then you will start to accept it and the thoughts/cravings will recede. But to that you actually need to convince yourself that it is a bad thing, which is easier said than done. You can't just do it to appease your wife, it won't work. You'll start to convince yourself that you're "repressing your natural urges" for her or some bull**** like that, and then that will be a cause of tension in your relationship.

One last thing. Make sure your life is personally fulfilling and enjoyable. Porn is an unhealthy sexual tool. Its unhealthy because it is pure fantasy, and its healthier to be more rational and a realist.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP, wonder how you are now.

There are books you might be interested in, some written from a religious point of view, but I think it's very good and practical too for those are not Christians.

All the best!

[Shilling removed]

AnnyHallsal

It's a problem if you and/or your wife think it's a problem but, at the same time, it's fantasy and doesn't have to be a threat to your relationship. You clearly have an awful lot of respect for your wife's feelings and I'm sure that will be the most comfort she should ask for. The vast majority of men enjoy porn on a regular basis and increasing numbers of women. You don't have to view your habits as abnormal. What about the two of ye going to see a sex therapist? Could be helpful and maybe even fun.

gavney1

Hey Op,

I would never say that I was addicted to porn, but until the last few months, I'd say I watched more than was healthy.

I finally decided to cut it out. I downloaded k9 web protection and set filters to block just porn. You could talk to your wife, explain to her that you watch more than you want and that you'd like her to help. She could then control it for you

Personally, I feel alot happier and confident since I stopped watching porn.

After a while, you'll probably find you don't really want to watch any

I don't think there's alot wrong with watching the odd bit of porn, but if you're finding it hard to control then I defo recommend K9 WEB PROTECTION

LegacyUser

Dude,

I am similar to yourself - same age aswell.

Just a thought though - I have spent lots of time away from home without a laptop or access to a pc private enough for me (if you know what I mean) and you know, I never missed it.

I coulda been away for 3 months travelling and felt great that I hadn't looked at any and then when I return, within two days, I'd have been onto the net thinking "a sure, I haven't seen any in ages. what harm can it do?" and then I'm back to square one

So a lot of it might be to do with ease and convenience of having a laptop close to hand.

Have you ever written down a list of negatives about how porn impacts on your life - I've done it and read it in the mornings when I get up to give me the resolve to avoid it.

Might some of it be to do with boredom? Bored at sitting around in the evening - because it does take up a lot of one;s time....

Also I find that if I've exercised rigorously, that I don't feel like **** and so don't feel the desire to look up porn

LegacyUser

The book I meant to say is called 'Every Man's Battle'. You can check it out on the internet, it's a good book. Good luck.