What are 'real' friends?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I feel like posting an issue which is making me very depressed. Lately (and by lately I mean last few months) I have been really taking a long hard look at my friends. I have alot of 'friends' or so it would seem, yet, I feel bizarrely lonely and isolated all the time. Always going through the hard times alone and not being able to rely on any of them.

Normally in situations like this it is the type of people one attracts. However in my case I have a wide array of friends from a whole variety of backgrounds. Some rich, some poor, some extrovert, some introvert etc. Yet when I look at these friendships I see a clear lack of any sort of depth. I mean what is a real friend? None of these people I could call from a Garda station or from a bridge. They seem to be fair weather friends.

I really do not know if I am just setting realistic expectations. None of my friends would rally to my defence if I was being talked about. None would lend me money if I were broke. None would actively include me. None remember my birthday or indeed none go out of their way for me on any level. Simple things like even listening to my problems when things are going wrong gets more than five minutes of their time. It seems they are all in it for themselves. That I am fine if I have money in my pocket, am up for meeting up in pubs and drinking and have nothing too real to say. Otherwise they do not wanna know.

I have always lived by the mantra that if you want a good friend, you be one. I have listened to their problems, been a shoulder to cry on, lent them money, bailed them out, found them jobs, sacrificed certain things for them, always included them and always always made a big deal out of them on their birthdays and yet...I get nothing in return. Nothing. I am 23. I am going through alot at the moment and right now all my friends are off in town living it up. No text or phonecalls. No invite. I am not paid until Monday and as a result no one even wants to know. Not that I am expecting them to pay my way, not at all but the fact that they just carry on as if I am of no value whatsoever. Its like they can take or leave my company unless they need it. As a result I feel desperately isolated and so alone. Am I wrong? Is it just me? Am I expecting too much? I guess what I am asking is, do people only look out for themselves? Is this why people seek out relationships at any cost? To have someone there to talk to? I am seeing the whole thing in the cold hard light of day and I genuinely feel like after years of putting in work its all been for nothing.

So I guess what I am asking is...what is a real friend to you?

Sinall

It's sad to say but sometimes the more you are there for people the more they take you for granted. It sounds to me like you are a great friend and I agree with you about the mantra if you want a friend you have to be one. But you also have to think of yourself and what is best for you. It sounds like you are going through a period of introspection which can be a good thing.

I had a conversation with a friend last year about how, as we get older, we are not as willing to put up with the same old crap anymore, she was saying that she is fed up of making all the effort with people and getting nothing back so she has stopped. Maybe you should take a look at the type of people you are drawn to and why and examine why that does not seem to match with what you want from a friend.

To answer your question re what a real friend is to me....I think there are different qualities in different friends that I appreciate. The friend I mentioned above I could tell anything to and I know she would understand and vice versa. Another friend I have a long shared history with and I know she would be there if I need her. Another friend is possibly the funniest person I ever met, but once again, I know if push came to shove, she would definitely be there for me.

Sometimes you can have stages in your life when you don't feel as close to your friends as you used to. We all change as we get older and sometimes we change in different ways. Focus on yourself and the type of people you need in your life right now. If your friends don't make you feel good when you are around them and are not there when you need them then it could be that you need some new friends. It sounds to me like people would be lucky to have you as a friend!

Firetrap

Good question. I get the impression from what you've written that your friends aren't really friends at all but glorified acquaintances. People who are happy to have you hang out with them or help them out when it suits them. You've been a really good friend to them but I'm not seeing them giving you anything back. It might hurt and you feel lonely but it's good that you're assessing your relationship to these people and asking hard questions.

I don't think you're being unrealistic in your expectations. It's not as if you're keeping a running tab on what you've done for them but it is nice to know that you have someone to turn to if needs be. Some (or maybe many) people only have a handful of people with whom they have a close friendship like that.

I do hope that in time you get to make better friends who will bend over backwards to help you in times of need. You sound like a lovely person with a big heart who really does deserve better.

BumbleB

I've found out that the value you put on yourself is exactly the value people will put on you that means that in a lot of cases you should be always looking out for number 1.

Its nice to be helpful to people but don't go overboard.If you are too available people will place little value on your time.


If you are not happy the way you're friends are behaving tell them .They are never going to know unless you make it clear.

Dont get depressed about it depression is an unbelievable abyss to get out of when you get into it , pick yourself right up be your own cheerleader.

Think about all the wonderful things in life you have , start with health ,health is an unbelievable gift to have.



BTW I had a few friends like that and I told them as it was ,and they were in shock ,they were fine after that.

Ickle Magoo

SoIsolated wrote: »

So I guess what I am asking is...what is a real friend to you?

Someone who loves me and won't hurt me and wants to help without me ever having to ask them.

My friends vary from the fair weather variety to people who would do anything for me. I think you need concentrate less on the friends you have and find some more to have deeper and more satisfying friendships with. I regularly fall out of friendship (not fall out with, just drift away from) some people and closer to others, some people join our circle of friends as others leave. I have very close friends who live on the other side of the world and not so close friends that I see every week, you just need to pick out the keepers and work at those relationships and get out meeting new people that share your interests and meet some more!

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi op

Heres a little experiment I did a few months ago

I took my phone and deleted everyone who wasnt a work college or family member.
I stopped going to the same ****ty pub every weekend.

I started living my life met a girl who was selfish so instead of my usual putting up with it I dumped her.

I waited to see who would text me to meet up etc.
apart from a mate who lives overseas no one did.
It felt a bit crushing realising these people I helped out so many times were so pig ignorant
they didnt even send a text at xmas on my birthday.

Ive gotten on with it after two months of focusing on myself Ive never felt better I realise I have a close work college who I will now class a a friend and a good one too.

I started to really go out on my own i got the best of clothes redid my image to epresent the real me and met an amazing girl all in the past month.
A lot more people come to me now (new people) looking to hang out etc.

its really what you can make of it instaed of pleasing every one else please yourself.
your 23 Id love to be that age again Id do it all so differently and never be taken advantage of again.
its a hard slog all the way up the hill my friend but when you get there your on top of the world.

ps try a few boards beers those pi guys would love to listen and dish out all the advice they can!!

S23

A lot of people confuse friends with acquaintances (or casual friends)

Friends is a tag we put on people too easily. Friendship, in the truest sense of the word, is not something you come by easily. Acquaintances are another matter. You collect them up and put them down (and they collect you up and put you down) as you pass through life.

Don't take it to heart. An acquaintance is a fairweather friend. Most people don't have love (and your REAL friends will love you) for 90% of the people they associate. They hang out with them in a group or as individuals because it suits them and they have a good time.

In my opinion you would be very lucky to have 5 REAL FRIENDS. The ones who you can calll anytime of the day or night looking for help. The ones who will support you. They know you are down without you having to say it and respond the appropriate way. They don't have to be asked to help in most cases they just know. They just know you and care about you and act accordingly.

None of the people you describe fit this bill. They haven't pretend to be anything other than acquaintances so its not like you've been betrayed.

To go back to the main point it all comes down to tags. Friend is a word thats thrown around a lot. Believe me you're not a special case. Most of the people you know who talk about their 'friends' are in the same boat as you. It just seems like everyone else has more 'committed friends' or whatever. But thats human nature to believe the grass is always greener.

cafecolour

There's a difference between wanting sympathy and wanting your friends to 'suffer' with you. I wouldn't expect even my best mates to not go out and enjoy themselves because I was broke.

Having said that, I tend to keep a wide circle of varying acquaintances who I can call up if I'm looking for something to do (and I tend to have both party mates and stay-in-and-watch-DVDs mates to suit my mood) and then a couple closer mates who I click with out of those groups.

Appreciate your current friends as 'party mates' and start looking around for more mates that you might connect with (don't try on fixate on making any specific person your BFF, just see what happens).