always the friend

LegacyUser

i know you are all probably sick of hearing of this type of problem but i dont know what to do. im in college and have fallen in love with a girl in my class. she is just so amazing, my heart skips a beat every time she walks in, i love everything about her. lately iv been finding it hard to get out of bed everyday,(for other reasons) but she makes it worth while. i get excited whenever her name comes up on my phone as a text.
now the friend thing comes into it. im always the nice guy and the friend that everyone like. im pretty certain its the same with her, if i make a move il get the "your a great friend, i dont see you that way" which is going to devastate me. its happened before and is the worst feeling in the world. im crazy about her, in my head it all feels so right but i know it wont be. i dont know what to do. a friend told me to wait and maybe she'll see me differently. im hanging onto that for dear life in the hope that she is right.maybe im just delaying then inevitable.

what do i do. do i pretend im not in love with her or do i risk losing a friend and making life awkward in college and pretending everything is fine.

its so hard, when i think about not being able to be with her it makes me sick :-(

G-Money

Ah yes, the "let's just be friends" thing. It's probably one of the things that guys hate to hear most.

Having been through it myself several times, the first piece of advice I'd give you is to stop acting like her friend. I don't mean be nasty to her, but stop acting like just her friend and show her that you are interested in her. I've come to the conclusion that there's a window of opportunity every time two people meet (assuming they're both single and not repulsed by each other and somewhat interested) where something can happen. I often think from a womans point of view, this window only stays open for a short time, whereas for a guy, it can stay open forever.

Unfortunately if you wait too long, she'll label you as just a friend and quite often, that's a life sentence. You also need to be honest with yourself. When you say you don't want to lose her as a friend, do you mean you don't want to lose the opportunity that if you hang around, somehow, hopefully, something might happen between you? Or can you honestly say that if she got married to someone else tomorrow, you'd still be perfectly ok with being friends? You can't say you just want to be friends and secretly be hoping that something more happens. If you do that, you are just setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

I'm not saying you'd suddenly just be over her. But I often think people aren't being fully honest with themselves when they say they don't want to lose the person as a friend. I often think in their heads it just means they don't want to lose the possibility of ending up with them and they think if they stay "friends" that eventually, the other person will realise how great they are and come running to them with open arms.

Trust me, I've often thought that and it's never happened. I'm not saying it can't, but I think it rarely does.

For me, if I am attracted to a girl and am nuts about her, the last thing I want to do is to be her friend. In fact, I'd rather not have her in my life, than have to sit there and pine away for her all the time. For me, just being friends isn't enough, it's not what I want and I don't see why I should have to accept that, and I don't anymore.

While sometimes relationships can develop out of friendships, I think it's often when both of the people are just friends and have no other feelings for each other. Then eventually, something happens. I think if one person is hoping against hope to be with the other person, and the other person just see's them as a friend, it rarely ends up that they become a couple.

The only way you are going to get this girl is to make a move on her and go get her. It's possible you might have missed the window of opportunity with her, you might not, it's hard for us to know.

So now you are asking "how do I show her I'm interested?" Well first of all, don't be a doormat and cater to her every whim. I'm not saying you do that, but it's so easy to think if you fawn and fuss over a girl, and run around after her like a wee puppy, she will become besotted with you. I've made that mistake before myself.

You are going to need to flirt with her and have a bit of banter with her. It's a pretty simple formula. Act like her friend if you want to be her friend, act like her lover if you want to be her lover. Now don't get carried away with that 2nd statement and start groping her when you two are alone or something

Flirt with her. Make cheeky jokes. Value and listen to her opinions and points of view, but don't be afraid to stick to your own. After all, you both don't have to agree on everything. I find a little innuendo and suggestiveness can go a really long way as well. Obviously time it right and don't go too far and don't be crude or crass. One step forward, two steps back. It's very easy to get carried away with the suggestive stuff if she's enjoying it, but it's much better to pull back, change the subject and leave her wanting more than going too far.

Also, show her you are your own man and have your own friends. Don't be afraid to let her think you have other women in your life. I don't mean to put it across to her that you are some "player", but there's nothing wrong with you having other female friends and girls you spend time with etc.

But like I say, if you don't make a move, nothing will happen. Obviously if you go to class with her, there's the awkwardness to deal with if you do make a move and she shoots you down. I don't really have a great answer for that to be honest. I guess you have to accept that it's a risk and think about how you will deal with it if it happens.

Also, if that doesn't motivate you, this will. Imagine she's single now and she is/was interested in you, but you didn't make a move and instead, some other w*****r appears on the scene and end's up with her. And even worse, you make a move and she tells you if you had only asked her sooner, she'd have said yes, but now she's seeing what'shisface.

I hope I'm not coming across like I'm having a go at you, I'm not. If anything, any frustration that's come out in this is just reminders of my own experiences. I'm about as far from an expert as you can get, but I've come to realise that you'll never get a girl to be your lover if you act like just her friend.

Good luck and I hope you succeed.

karaokeman

I know what you mean I have the same issue.
Do you know the girl well? I am friends with this girl who I am crazy about for years now and she thinks I'm a nice guy and is quite fond of me.
If she likes you (even just as a friend) she should appreciate you for putting in the effort if you do ask her out. I think the problem with many guys is that they ask a girl out even if they have never spoken to her before.
You get to know a girl before you try to ask her out. Flirt now and again until she is comfortable hanging around with you.
I think this is the way that its supposed to happen but I say go for it.

LegacyUser

OP here,
guess what, i found out she doesnt fancy me....usual story. i cant take this anymore. why do i fall for the wrong people. how the hell do i face her everyday now. i feel sick even thinking about it. how am i going to see her do all the little things i love about her and know that it'll never be. think im going to be sick.

dsmythy

alwaysthefriend wrote: »

OP here,
guess what, i found out she doesnt fancy me....usual story. i cant take this anymore. why do i fall for the wrong people. how the hell do i face her everyday now. i feel sick even thinking about it. how am i going to see her do all the little things i love about her and know that it'll never be. think im going to be sick.

At least you know now for sure rather than wondering forever. Move on, stay active, meet new people, and the next interest will come along soon enough. Plenty more fish in the sea.

LegacyUser

dsmythy wrote: »

At least you know now for sure rather than wondering forever. Move on, stay active, meet new people, and the next interest will come along soon enough. Plenty more fish in the sea.

i wish it was that easy, how do you move on from someone you see everyday

G-Money

Sorry to hear that dude, but the good thing is that now you know. No-one can stay in limbo forever and while it probably hurts like f***, at the end of the day, it's better to know one way or the other.

So how do you go about getting over her? Well I have my own method for this. It's a combination of giving myself time, sort of accepting the fact that it's ok that I liked her so much, but realising it's not ok that I keep going on feeling like that forever. You can't just switch feelings off, I often wish it was that easy. It will take a while and that's ok, but eventually, you will have to move on. Luckily enough, you will whether you feel like it now or not.

This might not be a nice thing to do, but when I'm trying to forget about a girl, I focus on her negative qualities. Stuff I perhaps overlooked or didn't pay much attention to. No-one is perfect and while you might think this girl is now, I'm betting there's something you turned a blind eye to because you liked her so much.

I just focus on their negative traits. I also go out of my way to avoid them and I always have a believable excuse made up ahead of time if they try to corner me with some sort of "are you avoiding me?" type question. That way I'm not going "uhhhhhhhhhh...." I can just say calmly and warmly say "Na, I've been going x and y and haven't had much time blah blah blah...". Then change the topic of conversation onto something else, ask how she is. Let her answer, make your excuse and leave.

I'd also go the point of saying to myself "Why the hell am I wasting all this time and energy liking someone who doesn't like me back. F**k that." She's a nice girl no doubt, but she doesn't deserve you to be pining away over her forever while she is off out with other guys, not giving you a 2nd thought. Don't forget that!

Also, think back to the last girl you were nuts about. I bet you still don't want to be with her. It will be the same with this girl. I know you don't believe that now, but your own experience and that of everyone else who's been in the same situation (the population of the planet) proves otherwise.

Try to occupy your mind with other things. Work, study, exercise, going out, meeting friends. Also get rid of any reminders you have of her. Don't listen to particular songs that remind you of her, or watch films/tv stuff that reminds you of her.

Also, don't be afraid to cut off contact for a while. Reading between the lines, I get the impression she doesn't know how much you like her. That's fair enough, but I don't think I would go telling her either. It's different when a relationship ends as it's sort of assumed that one or both parties have feelings for the other. But if it's someone you've never even went out with, there's no need to let her know the extent of your feelings in this case. Once you know she's not interested, it's time to strike that one up to experience, and move on.

It will be hard and will take time. But you will get there. Like I say, you probably don't believe that and you probably think she was different from the rest. But you know what, we've all thought the exact same thing and felt the exact same way and we've all got past it. You will too.

Go do something to cheer yourself up too and to try and help take your mind off things.

Good luck.

Scanlas The 2nd

For future reference remember these rules of thumb to avoid this happening againg.

1. A question to ask yourself is who cares more about the conversation when you are together? You or her? Generally speaking if you care about it more than her she won't fancy you. Its quite obvious from what you wrote you clearly cared more than her whenever together.

2. Dictate the conversation, don't sit down and be her therapist. Lead the conversation wherever you want it to go. If you disagree with what she says then tell her or if she is talking nonsense then tell her too.

3. Make her laugh at herself. This should help you stay out of the friend zone. I repeat, make her laugh at HERSELF, NOT you. IE joke is at her expense, not yours. This one is charming.

4. Don't hide your sexuality. If you are with here and you see someone on tele who you find sexy, then say so, describe what it is you find about her thats sexy.

5. We value that which we invest in, don't invest in her more than she invests in you. ( That relates to number 1) She probably won't fancy you otherwise, that's just the way it works. Don't judge it, encourage her to do things for you.

Hope this makes sense.

profitius

You've gotton some good advise here.


Stop acting like a friend. Be more sexual around women. Act like an old fashioned masculine man and don't be afraid of treating women like women! Theres a thought! Show them you're interested but also let them know you've high standards and won't accept bad behaviour.

You as a man should always lead, be in charge and never ever put women on pedestals.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice. i suppose its too late to start doing that now isnt it with this girl i fancy. i havnt told her outright that i like her but she knows because of a drunken text, i apologised for it and she said she took no notice of it and laughed. god im so pathetic, hanging on to every last little thing in some hope that it might happen.

Scanlas The 2nd

Your not the first and won't be the last who have embarrassed themselves like this.Don't worry about it. Just laugh it off and put it down as a learning experience.