Girlfriend has become Religious

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl for a while. I really like her and we have a great relationship, with amazing sex.

But last week, all of a sudden she decides to become a practicing Christian. She has a lot of religious friends, and I think one of them somehow convinced her. It's the oddest thing, how quickly this has happpened.
I think she's always been a little religious, but now she's mad into it. In the past week, she's given up drinking, swearing, is attending these meetings, which incidentally seem a little cultish to me. http://uk.alpha.org/
It's like a whole other person has emerged. I'm not religious in the slightest, but I try to be tolerent. I've dated religious girls in the past, and It's never been an issue.

I'm fine with the attending mass and giving up drinking, But the major problem now, is she's unsure if she wants to continue having sex with me, which to be perfectly honest is a big issue. I do really like her, and not just for sex. I enjoy her company, we get on really well, but I'm an adult, and I want an adult relationship, and sex is a major part of that. We're both in our early 20's, so marriage isn't on the cards. I told her this.

She says she's still 50/50 on this. I did a bit of googling, and found several Christian preachers who say premarital sex is perfectly fine. I tried to show her this, but she's not really convinced. To be honest, I think if you're both happy with it, and nobody's being hurt, then why would God be angry? Also, seeing as she's already lost her virginity, hasn't the damage been done?

Anyway, she says she needs a while to think about it. She really wants to stay with me, and I really want to stay with her, but she knows it's not going to work unless we have sex. She suggested we go on a break, as it's unfair for me to be denied sex, while she thinks about it. I'd rather not. I'm happy to go without sex, for her. I'm just worried that she'll never be the person she was before.

Do you think it's just a phase? It seems to have come on really quickly. Should I be worried about her? This alpha course seems a bit odd. It's one thing if it were Catholicism or Anglicanism, or an established church. Is it a scientology like cult?


Does anyone have any ideas of ways to convince her that premarital sex is alright? Did Jesus really prohibit it? I'm pretty sure it's one of those things cooked up by popes in the middle ages to prevent the spread of syphilis.

Has anyone been through this before? It's really strange how quickly things have changed. Is this relationship a lost cause? Is it wrong to try and persuade her to stop being religious? After all her friends convinced her the other way.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think it's about convincing her that pre-marital sex is alright, it's about your ability to respect her decision, being able to accept whatever new boundaries she wishes to implement in the relationship - or deciding that the goal posts have moved further than you can live with and ending the relationship.

There is no reason why you should be expected to suddenly embrace her new found faith or any of the knock-on effects to your relationship but you may have to accept you no longer have the common ground and interests that resulted in a successful relationship. Have you discussed this with her? Told her how you really feel? Your fears for her & your relationship? I would be honest with her that whatever decisions she makes that directly affect you may be deal breakers and let her make her decisions and take it from there.

Best of luck.

OS119

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think it's about convincing her that pre-marital sex is alright, it's about your ability to respect her decision, being able to accept whatever new boundaries she wishes to implement in the relationship - or deciding that the goal posts have moved further than you can live with and ending the relationship.

There is no reason why you should be expected to suddenly embrace her new found faith or any of the knock-on effects to your relationship but you may have to accept you no longer have the common ground and interests that resulted in a successful relationship. Have you discussed this with her? Told her how you really feel? Your fears for her & your relationship? I would be honest with her that whatever decisions she makes that directly affect you may be deal breakers and let her make her decisions and take it from there.

Best of luck.

^^^this^^^

she has the absolute right to change her views and change what she wants out of life and your relationship.

you have the absolute right to say 'fcuk this' and walk away if you don't like where she wants the relationship to go.

the horrible grating noise you can hear is two rights colliding...

LegacyUser

I know people who have done alpha and others who are just fairly hardcore Christians. I don't think it's a cult, in that the object of it is not to extort people, but you will see certain cultish behaviour. These people's lives can just completely revolve around the church.

No sex is a big thing for them, all sins are supposed to be equal but pre-marital sex seems to the big one for them. It's like it's the hardest one to resist so they see it as the most rewarding one to resist, or something along those lines. The Christians I know do drink, not huge amounts but some of them would get a little tipsy now and again. They are a very cliquey bunch and when my beliefs changed as I got older I found it harder and harder to hang out with them, so much so that I rarely see any of them anymore. When meeting them as a group it can be difficult. Having said all that I would see it very difficult to actually go out with a christian, and I've seen many non christians attempt this and it never works out. Some of them even temporarily convert, but once the relationship is over they have no interest in God anymore.

Be warned also that the Bible instructs christians not to marry non christians, so if she continues on she's eventually going to convert you, or break up with you.

Shayman

I went on an Alpha course a couple of years ago after being through a really low patch in my life. There's nothing sinister about it. It's not Catholic or Protestant and it's not a cult either. It's hard to describe it. It's a sort of discussion group on Christianity and the Bible. I found it interesting and very uplifting but nothing more. It didn't make me beat a path back to the church. I suppose it just opened my mind a bit. The main speaker was a guy called Nicky Gumble. He was very 'twee' but an inspirational speaker. He captivates his audience - in a good way.

Ref the Sex thing - I don't recall any real reference to sex during the course (and I'd remember something like that!). Maybe she's attending another type of church service as well?

Maybe she's opening her mind up to new things? Maybe she wants to change aspects of her life? If you love her stick with her. If not bail out!

Shayman

flaskjnlfasd wrote: »

Be warned also that the Bible instructs christians not to marry non christians, so if she continues on she's eventually going to convert you, or break up with you.

I've never read the Bible too closely but never came accross that. Where does the Bible say that?

krudler

I think she's always been a little religious, but now she's mad into it. In the past week, she's given up drinking, swearing, is attending these meetings, which incidentally seem a little cultish to me.

Id be gone like a flash tbh, thats not the person you were attracted to originally if shes changing this much about herself, its her right to of course, but you can walk away and not have to feel bad. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you've no intention on waiting until ye get married, or have no intention on getting married full stop, then you should call it a day, neither of you are in the wrong you're just now incompatible.

goose2005

Shayman wrote: »

I've never read the Bible too closely but never came accross that. Where does the Bible say that?

“Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). But it's contested: http://www.apologeticspress.org/articles/1802

Jesus never spoke against premarital sex, only against adultery.

krudler

goose2005 wrote: »

“Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). But it's contested: http://www.apologeticspress.org/articles/1802

Jesus never spoke against premarital sex, only against adultery.

to be fair theres so much contradictory nonsense in the bible not even diehard christians can follow all of it without directly breaching some other rule, "an eye for an eye" can be countered with "turn the other cheek" etc etc

LegacyUser

Ok, things have gone very strangely the past 24 hours. We met up last night. She said she has decided we can continue having sex.

So we did it. I had to stop half way through. She just wasn't into it at all. She just seemed to be putting up with it for my sake (which I must admit, is quite a sweet thing to do).

So we had a big discussion. I told her everything, how I felt she's changed, how I only want to have sex if she's into it. She told me she loved me, which she's never done before.

I was a little bit disturbed about how deep her beliefs are. I mentioned, that not everything was meant to be taken literally "For example, it's not like some guy actually built a boat with every animal in the world on it"
to which she replied that it did actually happen, because it's in the Bible, it must be true.

I subsequently found that she believes that the world was created in 6 days, It is only 5000 years old, there were no such thing as dinosaurs or evolution, they were just conspiricies created by scientests.

I was gobsmacked, that she actually believes this stuff. Even the pope doesn't believe that. She's a very intellegent, normal girl in every other way. I try to be tolerent of people's beliefs, but frankly, I find this a bit nuts.

Anyway, after our big chat, she agrees to try having sex again. And this time, she's into it. She was like her old self again. She said afterwards that she felt no guilt at all, and she's fine.

So we spent this morning having a massively long, passionate sex session. It was amazing. Other than the nagging thought that she must be brainwashed or something, things seemed to be back to normal.

So I was feeling good, until about an hour ago, when she sent me a text saying that she has bad news and needs to talk. So we're going to meet up tomorrow. From the sound of it, she's changed her mind and no longer wants to have sex again.

I don't know what to do. Should I break up with her? I really do like her, and she loves me, but I'm beginning to really worry that she's gone a bit nuts. I do have to stress that she's completely normal in every other way. It's just this sudden religious thing.

LegacyUser

Dude, first of all how old are you?

Ok here is the thing, she can choose what she wants to do whether you like it or not , so there is no point trying to convince her to do something she won't and also convince yourself that she is just "going through a phase".

Secondly, you have to ask yourself honestly, is it just about the sex? Seeing your about to break it off due to her having a existential crisis or is having a hard time at the moment means that maybe you should be asking yourself is this just about the sex?.

Look I'm not a Christian and nor religious but I do know that even though I think Christians can be a bit bat**** insane at times, its not them but the beliefs they follow and i try to abide as I can't change what they want to be leave.

Sex is all well and good and I would bail myself if this was the case (also dude it sounds like someone else is having a little word in her ear after your recent romp, prob the group) but same time I would ask myself are you just with her purely for the sex?

Taltos

notreligious wrote: »

but I'm beginning to really worry that she's gone a bit nuts. I do have to stress that she's completely normal in every other way. It's just this sudden religious thing.

Hey at least you know what is right and what is not. And how your gf is behaving based on your desc really does sound like some form of brainwashing.

Is there anyway the 2 of you can go away for a while - just break all contact with this group that seems to have such a grasp on her? Or have you spoken to her parents? Extreme I know - but if it were me I don't know what I would try.

If it was someone I really cared about I think I would fight to break the groups hold on her. Maybe even sit down and spell it all out for her - even before your chat tomorrow list out a load of things - now don't go all attacking.

It all depends on how firmly entrenched these ideas are. And how extreme they are. You already spoke to Noah and the Ark - and I think most of us would agree that while it is a lovely story it is unrealistic for this really to be true - more likely it is a metaphor or a tale of an event but on a much smaller scale. - So how does she view women's roles in the church, the paedo priests in the Catholic Church or the view that being gay is a sin...

Up to you if some of these are dealbreakers....
Just wonder how the rest of her family are taking her conversion.

Phlann

Look, there's a tendency for people to come in to threads like this one and say that you just need to respect her beliefs etc, and I'd often be one of those people... but I'm not going to do that on this occasion.

You say she's a smart, rational person. Well if that's true then something is seriously wrong here, because frankly there are no smart, rational people who believe that dinosaurs and carbon dating are the work of scientists conspiring to discredit the bible.

It sounds like maybe beneath it all she's unhappy or something and maybe just looking for something to believe in... a cause or something to be a part of maybe? I don't know. Illogical movements like creationism tend to appeal to - and prey on - vulnerable, unhappy people.

I really think you should sit her down and try to work out the thought process behind all this.

I know the looney christian brigade won't like this comment, but honestly I think if you care about the girl, you have a duty to work out what's really going on here and get this bull**** out of her head.

Try not to confront her or get angry though. These fundamentalist christians thrive on being persecuted and that might just drive her back towards whatever little snake has been whispering in her ear about all of this (to borrow a biblical metaphor).

krudler

+1 on the above, no intelligent person actually believes the world was created in 7 days, well 6 then god took a day off (apparently sitting on your hole for a few billion years then working for a week can really take it out of you) If sex means that much to you then find someone else, this does smack of brainwashing though.

I was a little bit disturbed about how deep her beliefs are. I mentioned, that not everything was meant to be taken literally "For example, it's not like some guy actually built a boat with every animal in the world on it"
to which she replied that it did actually happen, because it's in the Bible, it must be true.

Ask her what about the animals that have only recently been discovered, how did Noah find them? or what about the ones that live only on high mountains, or in vast deserts? That simply a fable or a myth, it did not actually happen, anyone who believes it did is completely insane

Phlann

krudler wrote: »

Ask her what about the animals that have only recently been discovered, how did Noah find them? or what about the ones that live only on high mountains, or in vast deserts? That simply a fable or a myth, it did not actually happen, anyone who believes it did is completely insane

I agree in principle, but I think that approach will just end in an argument. It's nearly impossible to fight belief with logic. There's no common denominator between the two and ultimately people will just believe whatever they like... especially if she's already decided that science is the work of the devil!

Figuring out what's caused all this and whether or not there's some sort of unhappiness beneath it all is your best bet, I reckon. If you can get to that point, maybe you can try to work her through it and give her alternatives to the path she's chosen.