Text mad

MissOphelia

In a major dilemma and need sound advice please. Long story short, I met a man 8 months ago on a dating site and when we met we hit it off really well. He was intelligent, well educated, funny, he ticked all the boxes so to speak. I had just ended a 6 month relationship and was very cautious at the start. However this new man was very understanding and I have never before felt as loved, or cared for as I have done over the last few months. Nothing is too much trouble for him. He has done a hundred romantic and thoughtful things, flowers, jewellery, tickets for shows, days and weekends away, and lots of silly little things that mean the world when you're in love and all done when least expected. His children live abroad but visit and I have met them, he has told his parents and family who also live abroad about me and our relationship.
He's quite well off and although I have a very good job I have teenage children who bleed me dry!! He prefers if I pay only occassionally or cook dinner for him at my house, being considerate of my finances. We spend weekends together and a couple of nights during the week. I can ring his landline anytime and he's home when not with me. He tells me I have made him happy beyond belief and everyone thinks we are a perfect match. Life was good and I have no reason to suspect he has ever cheated on me.
Last weekend at his house he left his mobile phone bill on the table, I could see it was nearly €200 and alarm bells went off. I looked at all 19 pages of it and they were nearly all text messages and hour long calls to 4 or 5 numbers. The bulk of it was my number though. I'm ashamed to say the bunnyboiler in me won and I jotted down numbers dates etc. I've since rang to listen to voicemails and surprise surprise they were all women. Most of the calls were made around times we had minor arguments. The texts while he's in work or in the evenings. We'd had several discussions before, along the lines of "Is texting/e-mailing cheating" following chats about posts here.
My ex cheated on me by going back on a dating website where we'd met, so my current man knew of my insecurities around it.
Do I ignore the texting as the relationship is so good in every other way, or shoud I see it as cheating. I can't talk to him about it as I would have to admit I looked thru his phone bill. By the way I'm 46 and he's 10 years older than me. I have had lots of dates etc over the last few years but this man is very special to me and treats me like a queen. It is so hard to meet someone halfway decent. And I love him for the person he is, it would make no difference if he wasn't well off. Any advice welcome. Sorry for rambling x

LegacyUser

MissOphelia, what are you on about? How can texting or phoning his friends be cheating? The man does nothing only treat you well, he's at home when he's not with you, you are great together.

And yet you examine his phone bill, not only taking down numbers but also times and check them against arguments (somehow you know the days and times you've had arguments) and now you think you're in a crisis. Do you think you're deliberately looking for a problem because you expect one? That's the very way to make a problem and it's a terrible way to treat him.

You said it yourself and take it from someone who's been looking for a long time - it's so hard to find a decent man around our age group. Don't push away the lovely one you've found.

merlie

This is a tough one for you. I can sympathise with you as I was cheated on to, so I know what you are going through. But step back a bit...if he had something to hide, the bill would not be on the table for you to see also men can have women friends, just as women have male friends.

I know what you will be doing next, you will be watching for every little detail every word and deed he does to justify your fears.

Trust is a huge part of any relationship and you 'need' to be able to trust him. I know he may treat you like a princess and all, but take it all to ground level.

Get to know his friends, hear what they have to say about him. You can learn a lot about someone from their friends.

Above all, take your time and do not do anything hasty.

I wish you all the best

MissOphelia

Thanks jealousbird and merlie. I feel terrible that I snooped thru his phone bill but insecurity can be so hard to deal with, especially after the last disastrous relationship.
Only reason I know when we argue is because the arguments are so few and far between, and have co-incided with events e.g Halloween and just before Valentines Day.
He knows lots of people but doesn't have many close friends, a few he plays golf with etc. We socialise with my family and friends mainly. This texting has shown me a different side to him and I'm left wondering if he's just 'a player'. I'm a straight talking person, what you see is what you get and I could not keep all these "friends" a secret. He has never mentioned any of them to me. I have withdrawn emotionally from him because I don't want to get hurt again. And yes merlie watching for the slightest thing to justify my thoughts. They are probably people from the dating site but why does he need so much contact with them, some of the texting started at 7am and didn't stop till midnight. Men are such hard work!!