any advice?

LegacyUser

Ok right, well I'm 26 and my girlfriend is 21, we've been going out about 6 months and its starting to go arseways.
more so on my part to be honest. When we got together I was really mad about her and we got on so well, we're both very attracted to each other, have loads of interests in common and get on really well in general. that was until christmas.
she lost her father 4 or 5 years ago and still gets very upset around the holidays. I knew this was going to be an issue and was resolved to try my best to be as supportive as possible but she went into this black depression about late november and only came out of it about early february where some bad grades in college sent her into another down period. she basically is just constantly depressed and nothing i say or do lifts her out of it. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. the main problem with me is that a few years ago i went through a pretty bad period in my life with the collapse of a long term relationship and my friend circle and job after which i actually just flatlined emotionally and now i just go numb every time anything even remotly hard happens and about mid january i actually just snapped and found myself becoming less and less attracted to her. she is now so high maintainance that I no longer look forward to seeing her at all and find myself trying to convince her to not come over which is just ridiculess.

shes agreed to go to therapy about her dad now where as she was very reluctant too before and I really want to support this. the thing is I know I'm mad about her and I don't want to break up with her but I've just become so burned out towards her that I can't feel the same level of affection towards her. everything is stressful now, like going out is now a nightmare cos she'll get drunk and ball her eyes out all night screaming her head off at me or her coming over is a nightmare cos shes not in the mood to watch anything or do anything and I'm always just waiting for the crash.

I really don't want to break up with her at all cos I know I'm really mad about her and if we can get through this we'll be so much better off but everytime I broach the subject of taking some time off she gets really upset.

MissOphelia

Hi OP
6 months seems to be a fairly critical time in a relationship. I guess the 'honeymoon' comes to an end and reality sets in. The thing that jumped out at me from your post is the fact that you appear to be very much on your own here. Its almost impossible to care for someone else, if you are not caring for yourself. So you need to get some support structures in place for you and your girlfriend. This could be in the form of her family, GP, friends or your family. There are also many excellent helplines and support agencies who work with people with mental health issues. Please get in touch with some of these. A good starting point is mental health ireland, they have links on their website to other sites which would be of help to you. Do you have someone YOU can turn to or ring, just to rant for a few minutes and get it out of your system? You sound like such a caring person, even to the point where you knew in advance your girlfriend would need you. You can empathise with what your girlfriend is going through. Have you talked about your own experiences and how you came through it with her? Is she aware how difficult this relationship has become for you? Communication is important, try not to tiptoe around her, it won't help. Has medication ever been suggested for her depression? Her drinking is worrying, as you probably know alcohol is a depressive and in the long run can do serious damage if she becomes reliant on it.
Wishing you well.

Taltos

I'm not going to be liked for this, but... End it.

Tell her why though.
You are going out 6 mts... So Since October.
Since end of November - that is Dec, Jan, Feb & now March - she has been too much to handle and has not taken steps to help herself - that is well over 50% of your relationship. You have had just over 1 good month together...

Also it is NOT your job to fix her.
You can only fix yourself and I really think that you need to focus on that.
You have admitted to your own issues and you seem to have done a blinder in trying to be supportive, but there has to come a time where you need to have a sense of self-preservation.

Relationships are hard at the best of times - but man - in this case my heart goes out to you. This is just too much to ask of one person. How much of you will be left by the end of it.

So
a) End it.
b) Seek some help for yourself before you even consider entering another relationship.

Sorry, prob not what you wanted to hear.

LegacyUser

you see thats the thing she IS getting help. and shes always thanking me for standing by her and supporting her while she gets help which i sguess is another factor that i feel if i leave her she might give up on the therapy.
also I realised 6 months ago was september which is actually wrong we've been going out about 8 months give or take but i get your point

she actually doesn't drink that much at all its just when she does shes unmanagble after a few and she does know how i feel about this though when i explained that i had reached snapping point and that i was feeling myself drifting away from the relationship she obviously got upset.
I don't know I'm feeling really trapped here

Taltos

nrohllub wrote: »

you see thats the thing she IS getting help. and shes always thanking me for standing by her and supporting her while she gets help which i sguess is another factor that i feel if i leave her she might give up on the therapy.

>> good ploy this - keeps you in a relationship that under normal circumstances would have already ended...

nrohllub wrote: »

she actually doesn't drink that much at all its just when she does shes unmanagble after a few

Her choice to drink. She knows she has a problem yet persists. Sorry- but wake up here....

nrohllub wrote: »

I don't know I'm feeling really trapped here

I can see that you are trapped. And I am maybe getting that you don't want to be there. Having had a day to think about it I stand by my first response - move on.

She is not your responsibility. You are only responsible for yourself right now. The longer you stay the harder it will get to leave and then what happens if kids come into the mix? You will stay for them - and be eternally unhappy. I think it is great you have tried to help her - but that is NOT your job in life. Personally I agree - you are trapped - you have been guilted into staying and even when you leave you will get texts and stuff telling you that she is gong to hurt herself etc....

Run.

pilph

I'm in a similar situation myself. I do not want to break up with her but sometimes it seems like the only option. The problems my girlfriend has are very similar to yours, but for different reasons.

When people tell me to break up I cringe & think it is very unfair on her. I think I can try to help her and make things better, but when the help I offer is then criticised and ridiculed, I find that tough. Inevitably frustration sets in, rows happen.

I understand thoroughly the dilemma you are in. I'm older than you but believe me, age is not a factor here. Grief can play havoc with people's minds and the closest person can often get it.