In love with a guy at work..

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I'm just looking for some advice on how to best get over someone you've never even been with!

The story is as follows, I am absolutley mad about a guy that I work with but he has a girlfriend who he lives with. They've been together for about 5 years (both 28). We get on so well and sometimes I feel an attraction towards each other. I know he thinks I'm sound and I make him laugh etc etc but I also think he fancies me.

That is a moot point though because he has a gf and I would never be with a taken man.
I think that's an awful thing to do.
Logically I also know that if his relationship ended there would inevitably be alot of messiness and heartbreak for him. I recently came out of a long term relationship and the last thing I want is to jump into another one and I know he'd be the same.

He has said to me before that things aren't great between them and that made me get my hopes up (silly I know). If they broek up h'ed want to play the filed and not get involved with a work colleague.

How can I stop myself liking him so much? I'm actually in pain on a daily basis because of this. He walks into the kitchen and my heart starts punding. We talk about music, movies, our love of food, how our weekend was, what's stressing us out etc. We laugh alot and just get on great and then he walks away and I feel so awful!!

How do I stop fancying him and fantasising about being with him down the line (never gonna happen!!!)

Thanks:(

LegacyUser

You got to know him in a safe, relaxed environment of being work collegues. You think he is a good person and like his personality.

You don't have all the drama that happens when people start dating. He could eb a great friend but a terrible boyfriend. You don't know because you don't have that relationship with him.

It's easy to develop feelings for someone in that situation as you only see the good.

Are you meeting men in general or is he the only man you have in your life since your breakup ?

LegacyUser

Hey there,

I'm afraid I haven’t an answer to your question, I just came here with the idea of starting a similar kind of thread and was pretty amazed to find out that someone was feeling exactly the same as me (well, if not exactly the same, at least the other side of the coin, anyway.) Since there's no point in starting a similar themed tread, if you don't mind, I'll just add my tuppence worth and hang around to see what kind of response you get from those who know better than we do.

I’ve also fallen uncontrollably for someone I work with; there are days when my only motivation to turn up to the job at all is knowing that I'll get to spend time with her. She's really my best chance of challenging, intelligent conversation in the week, and more importantly (to me) she's funny, she makes me laugh out loud, something no one has ever done for me before.

However, the problem lies in the fact that I'm currently in a relationship that could barely even be considered platonic for some time now, and while I sometimes imagine some kind of future for me & this girl when its over, I normally remind myself that she's far too pretty and outgoing to bother waiting around for me to sort myself out. And that's even if she knew how I felt AND if she felt anyway close to the same.

Sometimes I feel she may be a little interested, other times I'm not so sure. I pretty much think that it's just me imagining she is, so I just carry on with what we have, keeping my thoughts to myself.

What I DO know is that her smile changes my day, my heart skips when we touch, and I could listen to her talk forever.

I'm not really looking for a solution to this, I'm just kinda happy to have gotten it off my chest. I've got no-one to tell how I feel about her, so this is my chance to let it all out, even if it is done anonymously .

I realise that this doesn't help the OP at all (Sorry! Totally selfish! ) but like her, I'd be interested to hear anyone else's advice, or if they came through a similar situation....

LegacyUser

In the same boat myself, the guy is in a LTR and we had a kiss last year (i know, terrible of me) but since then it's been very up and down, we're both very aware of liking each other, but get on so well that I wouldn't want to rock the boat by confessing how i feel, only to be told nothing will happen, so I suppose, sometimes when it comes to crushing on someone in work, it's better to have than to not. It makes it more exciting coming into work and as you say, sometimes the only reason for turning up. Probably best to put it to the back of your head and get on as normal, if you did confess and got nothing back, it would be devasting and that joy to come to work to would turn into hating coming to work and hiding out in the office all day!

LegacyUser

I'm going to hi-jack this thread too, need to get this off my chest. Been in a job for around a year now and I've fallen for a woman at work. I've tried to keep my feelings in check because I indirectly report to her. But you see we knew eachother back in college and I liked her back then I and, well, the feelings are still there. When I eventually got around to telling her how I felt all those years ago she was going out with someone and fair dues to her, even though I think she could have done something then she didn't out of respect to the relationship that she was in at the time.

15 years down the line and boom, she's back in my life. I'm married with kids but the relationship is strained to say the least and she's single. I honestly don't know what to do. Well I do know what to do, nothing. I have a wife, kids, a mortgage and a life, why the hell am I letting myself have feelings for this woman. But then I think that I don't or never had these feelings for anyone else all the time I have been with my wife so maybe there's something in that. We talk in work about life and love and I've told her stuff about my life that I haven't told anyone else and she confides in me too. I'm not stupid, there is something there between us but between my marriage and work nothing can be done. But I get the heart flutters when I see her, her smile, her laugh, everything just seems to fit.

Lifes a bitch!

Zaph

OK folks, while I appreciate that the OP isn't in a unique situation, she came here looking for some advice, so please no more thread hijacking with your own version of the story. If you want some advice yourself, please feel free to start a thread of your own, but it's not fair to the OP to be jumping in on her thread.

How Strange

Fridayi'minlove wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I'm just looking for some advice on how to best get over someone you've never even been with!

The story is as follows, I am absolutley mad about a guy that I work with but he has a girlfriend who he lives with. They've been together for about 5 years (both 28). We get on so well and sometimes I feel an attraction towards each other. I know he thinks I'm sound and I make him laugh etc etc but I also think he fancies me.

That is a moot point though because he has a gf and I would never be with a taken man.
I think that's an awful thing to do.
Logically I also know that if his relationship ended there would inevitably be alot of messiness and heartbreak for him. I recently came out of a long term relationship and the last thing I want is to jump into another one and I know he'd be the same.

He has said to me before that things aren't great between them and that made me get my hopes up (silly I know). If they broek up h'ed want to play the filed and not get involved with a work colleague.

How can I stop myself liking him so much? I'm actually in pain on a daily basis because of this. He walks into the kitchen and my heart starts punding. We talk about music, movies, our love of food, how our weekend was, what's stressing us out etc. We laugh alot and just get on great and then he walks away and I feel so awful!!

How do I stop fancying him and fantasising about being with him down the line (never gonna happen!!!)

Thanks:(

OP, it's a difficult one. I think we've all been there at one point or another.

However, it might be good for you to realise and admit to yourself that you're infatuated with an idealised notion of this guy. You see him at his best and you project all your feelings onto him making him even more perfect.

You seem like a reasonable person and you're not going to act on how you feel.

Whenever your heart flutters or your stomach jumps when you see him keep telling yourself that it's an infatuation, you don't really know him and he's got a girlfriend. For me, when I was in a similar situation, I'd bring the gf into the conversation like 'what did you two do last night' or 'where are you going on hols this year'. Doing this made her seem real and their life together real and it put my infatuation for him into context.

I can't say that it will work for you but maybe after a while it will help you accept that while yes you fancy the pants off him it will go no further so you should direct your energies into finding a single, gorgeous guy.

Taltos

How Strange wrote: »

you should direct your energies into finding a single, gorgeous guy.

+1
OP - imagine though that you did get this guy.
Would you really ever be able to relax and enjoy yourself though - or would you end up torturing yourself that he might just meet someone else...

Limit the amt of time you spend with him.
This way if it does end for him you will know you did not play a part and if you do end up getting together those worries will not be there.

But right now - try to focus on having some fun and meeting other people. Fair dues though on having the guts to mark him off limit - now stop torturing yourself and reduce that contact...

Miss Fluff

Agree with the above.

I know you can't help who you fall for/have a crush on/become infatuated with BUT you can choose what to do about it. In this case you can't do anything about it as your object of desire is attached and that means that they are not available/fair game. It's a bummer I know. Not to be too cliched about it, but perhaps trying to get out there more/meet new people/join a dating site so you can increase your chances of meeting someone single and available.

How Strange

Taltos wrote: »

Limit the amt of time you spend with him.
Fair dues though on having the guts to mark him off limit - now stop torturing yourself and reduce that contact...

+1
Try to avoid the 'cosy tea break chats for 2' scenario. That's just a receipe for a head wreck.

Taltos

How Strange wrote: »

+1
Try to avoid the 'cosy tea break chats for 2' scenario. That's just a receipe for a head wreck.

Absolutely....
I got caught with this with a colleague - to me they were just a colleague, work is work after all and I always keep work separate from home. But to their husband I was the other man... Needless to say my OH laughed her head off when I told her.

Not a funny time... No more chats with me... Sometimes being oblivious to the obvious is not the best way to be.

OP - please do scale it back - he might ask why - so tell him. Be honest. It is not appropriate for work and it is not appropriate for someone you risk developing feelings for when that person is already in a committed relationship. Don't listen to any tales and things might not be working - high risk that you could get played and unknowingly become the scarlett woman...