What's he at?

ash23

I was seeing a guy for a couple of months. It was going really well, he seemed mad about me, I was mad about him etc.
But it came to a point where the question of "are we in a relationship or not" came up. He didn't want to be in a relationship as he was unsure how he felt about me having a child. So I told him I wasn't in it unless it was going to be a proper "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing.
He had a think about it and a few days later said that he was mad about me, I made him so happy, he'd never felt like this about another girl BUT the same thing kept coming up for him....my daughter, his own worries about that and the fact that his family would disapprove.

So this was Friday. It ended in a bit of an argument, nothing major but needless to say, I was upset. I asked him to leave and he went but within minutes was texting me begging me not to cut him out of my life, he wants to stay seeing me, that I'd made him so happy etc.
I didnt reply.
Next day(saturday) more of the same, he was so upset, he was sick. Now I do believe he was upset as he was practically in tears telling me. I replied as I felt pretty crap too.
So Sunday he asks can he call over as he's sprry for what he said,it didn't come out the way he meant it etc. I think "wohoo hes changed his mind" so let him call. But he tells me all the same stuff just "nicer".
Anyway he says he wants to be friends. I say no, not up for that at all. He says maybe in a few weeks. I say I don't think so. He hugs me and goes.

So I delete his number and vow not to contact him. Because we all know what would happen. I'd end up back with him and back in the same boat. But I had an inkling Id be hearing from him eventually.

And yesterday evening he sent me a random text about what was on tv! Now that would have been the norm when we were dating but jesus! He'd dumped me twice this weekend and then texts like everything is ok less than 24hrs after I told him not to.

I was going to ignore but decided I needed to make it quite clear.
So I sent an email. Said that if he ever really needed anything or if he changed his mind about us, he could call. But that other than that I didn't want to hear from him. I said that it wasn't that I was angry but more that I was worried I'd let what I want short term (him) affect what I want long term (a relationship) and I'd get hurt. I also said that I couldn't be friends at the moment and doubted I ever really could as I wouldn't be comforable seeing him with other people and it's not true friendship if I felt that way.

He replied "ok thats fair enough but maybe in a few weeks you'll feel differently".

He just doesn't get it. He expects to remain friends after sitting across from me, looking at me and telling me, albeit much more nicely, that he doesn't want to be with me because of my precious daughter.


So, I think I know that there isn't a hope of him not texting me again or trying to make contact.
What's he at?


PS I know that it sounds like he's a total b@stard but trust me, I can spot the b@stards a mile off. He is a genuinely nice person and his issue with my child is more about him not upsetting his family. So he is weak but not a sh1t if you get me.
If I were reading this I'd be saying "he's only staying in touch on the off chance he gets laid" but my gut tells me thats not the case here, that he does genuinely want us to stay in touch. But if he were a b@stard it would be much easier to write him off and forget about him :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Hi Ash,
Im posting anomously, but I regularly read your posts as they are full of sensible advice. I am also aware of your background re child and ex.
I went out with a guy I worked with. He pursued me, it was clear from when I started in the job that he was attracted to me. I split up with my boyfriend (not connected) and a few months later me and work guy had a drunken snog, which turned into what I thought was a relationship.

Act6ually, he was the first guy I slept with. He was very intense and said he had only developed a friendship with me until we could be a couple.
After a few months we went for a weekend away and had a great time. One week later he came over to my house and said the spark was gone and he wanted a week to think about things. He ignored me for a week and then broke up with me over the phone. He said he "didn't want to lose such a good friend" and in my post breakup state I agreed to meet him the next day for coffee.

In hindsight, the reason I agreed to friendship was because I thought I'd get him back by being nice and not causing any hassle. Anyway, two weeks later (I know it sounds like a rebound!) I met a guy at a party. We're together nearly a year now, he wants us to move in together and we are planning on a family. In the meantime, I just phased my ex out. I had no interest in being his friend and I think given the amount of emotion I had invested in him, I didn't want to give any more.

He is annoyed that we are not friends, can't see why we wouldn't be friends and is still annoying me with invites for coffee etc. I have told him I'm with someone new-it would annoy me if my current guy saw his ex all the time so I have decided its not appropriate for us to be friends.
Bottom line Ash, I feel like I have enough friends and don't need this one.

Maybe you are the same? Don't pander to him. My ex pulled the friend thing to make HIM feel better-I think he feels he was nice and thoughtful with the "let's be good friends" cr"p. He is not my priority, my new partner is. So just ignore him. You don't have to be friends just because it will make him feel better.

Beetlebum

Hi Ash,

God....what an awful situation to be in. He needs to respect the fact that you've asked him not to contact you, he can't have it both ways.

The way I see it, and I'm sorry if this hurts at all, but the way I see it is if he was really truly mad about you then the fact that you have a daughter wouldn't be an issue at all. His family's opinion shouldn't matter that much either and I think it might just be an excuse not to commit to you fully. I'd say if anything it's more that he's not sure he wants to be tied down with a child that isn't his then what his family think.

When I was 20 I started going out with a guy who was covered in tattoos. He also had big holes in his ears and wore earplugs with skulls on them. I knew my folks would go mental when I brought him home but I didn't care. I went out with him for nearly 4 years and got abuse off my Dad teh whole time. It didn't matter to me though cause I was so wild about him.

I'd suggest calling him up and telling him in no uncertain terms to leave you alone from now on. Maybe he'll then realise that what his famliy thinks doesn't matter and that you and your little girl are a wonderful package that are worth being with.

Be strong about this, tell him to leave you alone unless he's willing to be with you (and all that you emcompass).

I'm not suggesting he's not into you, it definitely sounds like he is, but I don't think he's into you enough.

Take care and I hope it works out.

metrovelvet

He wants to avoid the pain of the break up. Like anyone else who stays in contact, they are having trouble breaking the habit.

He sounds like a prevaricator and as nice as he is , this will eventuallyt drive everyone around the bend.

ash23

I guess I’m just doubting my decision. I feel that it is a case of him not feeling strongly enough about me to defy his parents (and going on the word of a friend who knows the family, they really would make him miserable if they disagreed). However, I was the one who forced the issue about where we were at in terms of the relationship and I was the one who issued the ultimatum (and I did mean it and I stuck to it and I dont intend on going back on it) but in fairness, how strong would his feelings be after just a few weeks?

In one way I’m kicking myself for forcing it. If I hadn’t, we might have gotten to a point where he liked me enough to risk the parents wrath. But on the other hand I’m glad as what if I wasted months on him and he never told his parents or he did, they disagreed and he ended it.

I’m just feeling crap. He made me happy and I miss him. And I can’t decide which is worse. Being without him or being with him but feeling there’s a possibility of an expiration date. Logically I know the answer. But usually in a breakup one person doesn’t want to see the other person and that tends to make things a bit easier. But in this case we want to be together but want different things.
I’m not trying to dress it up as a star crossed lovers, romeo and Juliet saga. I know he’s an adult and he should be able to make up his own mind and make his own decisions.

Ah my head is melted

Beetlebum

Think about it though, you knew how you felt at this point and if he had said to you - Where are we at? Are we exculsively going out? You would have committed and said yes. If you know how you feel at this stage then he should too.

If he can't 'man up' (hate that expression but can't think how else to put it!) to his folks at this stage then is that really someone you'd want to be with? He's not 16 I presume, who cares what his parents think?

It just sounds like he suddenly felt under pressure which made him question his feelings for you an he's decided that while he likes you alot, he's not into you enough to take on board your child and his folks. That's not good enough really.

I think you need to try your best to put this behind you. You'll meet someone else. I know it's sad and you're feeling blue today but it will get better with time.

Go out an dbuy yourself some chocolate and cook yourself your favourite dinner this evening. Have a good friend call over and drink wine etc. Do things that make you feel good..

ash23

Beetlebum wrote: »

Think about it though, you knew how you felt at this point and if he had said to you - Where are we at? Are we exculsively going out? You would have committed and said yes. If you know how you feel at this stage then he should too.

If he can't 'man up' (hate that expression but can't think how else to put it!) to his folks at this stage then is that really someone you'd want to be with? He's not 16 I presume, who cares what his parents think?

It just sounds like he suddenly felt under pressure which made him question his feelings for you an he's decided that while he likes you alot, he's not into you enough to take on board your child and his folks. That's not good enough really.

I think you need to try your best to put this behind you. You'll meet someone else. I know it's sad and you're feeling blue today but it will get better with time.

Go out an dbuy yourself some chocolate and cook yourself your favourite dinner this evening. Have a good friend call over and drink wine etc. Do things that make you feel good..

Yeah, you're right.
He did say stuff along the lines that he held back on his feelings for me and the more he grew to like me the more pressure he felt under to make a decision. So while it was me who instigated it, he was thinking it too. Basically he was liking me more and more and knew he couldn't keep going but didn't want to stop seeing me either. But it was all going to come to a head sooner or later.

I know I'll get over it. I got over a long term relationship which ended in my partner cheating on me, I got over being dumped while pregnant....I'm strong and should be an old pro at this stuff by now :rolleyes:
It just sucks and yeah, he's not making it any easier really.

Beetlebum

It really does suck.
I've been through so much in my life (close family deaths etc) and I've always been so strong and resourceful but when my ex broke up with me I went to pieces. I was devastated. I found it so hard to get over the fact that he met someone else so soon afterwards too. I even lost my job at the time cause I kept rolling in late and drunk. I went off the rails!!

I got over it eventually though.

I gotta say I'm loving being single at the moment cause there's no pain involved. All around me my friends in relationships are fighting, breaking up, confusing each other etc etc. What's the bloody point!!

thee glitz

Sorry to hear all that. I was in a similarish position a few years back.
I got on very well with this girl and soon found out she'd a kid. I was
really mad about her and we were going out for a while. Then I messed
it all up, not entirely because of what my family would be like, but that
was a big part of it. And that's my biggest regret ever. If you really like him,
maybe give him another chance to man up about this.

ash23

Beetlebum wrote: »

It really does suck.
I've been through so much in my life (close family deaths etc) and I've always been so strong and resourceful but when my ex broke up with me I went to pieces. I was devastated. I found it so hard to get over the fact that he met someone else so soon afterwards too. I even lost my job at the time cause I kept rolling in late and drunk. I went off the rails!!

I got over it eventually though.

I gotta say I'm loving being single at the moment cause there's no pain involved. All around me my friends in relationships are fighting, breaking up, confusing each other etc etc. What's the bloody point!!

I know what you mean. I've been single for nearly 2 years now and I'm much happier alone than I was in the old relationship. But I was much happier with him than I was alone. But still, if I'd been with him long term and he hadn't been committed to me I would have been miserable. I want the right relationship not just a relationship.

thee glitz wrote:

Sorry to hear all that. I was in a similarish position a few years back.
I got on very well with this girl and soon found out she'd a kid. I was
really mad about her and we were going out for a while. Then I messed
it all up, not entirely because of what my family would be like, but that
was a big part of it. And that's my biggest regret ever. If you really like him,
maybe give him another chance to man up about this

Honestly, I do think he'll regret it. But how long it takes him to realise it is the main factor.
I have made it clear to him how I feel about him and I have left the door open but only if it's him offering a relationship. I told him if he changed his mind about us to call me. But if it takes too long, I probably won't want to go back. And if he still hasn't managed to "man up" I won't go back either.

I can't just hang around indefinitely as his "friend" while he works out what he wants.

metrovelvet

If he is prevaricating again and you have the patience for this, you could simply as him to stop contacting you while he flip flops around. Tell him you will wait for him for a little while but not forever and this time it would have to be a definitive answer.

Only, if that is what you want and what you can live with. If it would wreck your head, I would say close this chapter.

Everyone comes with imperfect circumstances. Sometimes its a child.Sometimes its a disease. SOmetimes it's a heavy work load. Sometimes it's neurosis. Sometimes its addiction. Sometimes its a criminal record. THere will usually be something. But the bottom line is whether the person is worth it to the other or not.

thee glitz

ash23 wrote: »

I have made it clear to him how I feel about him and I have left the door open but only if it's him offering a relationship. I told him if he changed his mind about us to call me. But if it takes too long, I probably won't want to go back.

Sorry, you did say that above. This is all only a couple of days ago though and i'm sure he's
thinking about what'll really make him happy. Hopefully he'll figure that out before it's too late.

ash23

Well my plan is to basically ignore any texts/calls unless it's a "i've made a huge mistake and I want you back" type.
In the meantime, carry on as normal and just go back to enjoying the single life and leave him to miss me. And he will because I'm wonderful lol.

And if he still can't man up then it won't be too long before I get over him and move on. I've done it before, I can do it again

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

Well my plan is to basically ignore any texts/calls unless it's a "i've made a huge mistake and I want you back" type.
In the meantime, carry on as normal and just go back to enjoying the single life and leave him to miss me. And he will because I'm wonderful lol.

And if he still can't man up then it won't be too long before I get over him and move on. I've done it before, I can do it again

I think you will have to be clearer than that and let him know what you will and wont respond do.

If you just ignore him he may not know that there is an option there. He may simply think you have closed the door.

If you really feel that way, then you need to pick up the phone and tell him firmly. Pretend he is three. Simple, clear, kind and firm commuinication in setting your boundaries.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote:

I think you will have to be clearer than that and let him know what you will and wont respond do.

If you just ignore him he may not know that there is an option there. He may simply think you have closed the door.

If you really feel that way, then you need to pick up the phone and tell him firmly. Pretend he is three. Simple, clear, kind and firm commuinication in setting your boundaries.

I've already done this as I didn't want to totally close the door.

ash23 wrote: »

I was going to ignore but decided I needed to make it quite clear.
So I sent an email. Said that if he ever really needed anything or if he changed his mind about us, he could call. But that other than that I didn't want to hear from him. I said that it wasn't that I was angry but more that I was worried I'd let what I want short term (him) affect what I want long term (a relationship) and I'd get hurt. I also said that I couldn't be friends at the moment and doubted I ever really could as I wouldn't be comforable seeing him with other people and it's not true friendship if I felt that way.

MsHolloway

Hi Ash
This bit in particular stood out to me

ash23 wrote: »

He just doesn't get it. He expects to remain friends after sitting across from me, looking at me and telling me, albeit much more nicely, that he doesn't want to be with me because of my precious daughter.

If this is how you feel about just being friends with him, do you really think you can have a relationship with him? That even if he changed his mind you wouldn't resent him on some level for how he acted here.
Personally I'm not sure I could be with someone who effectively saw my daughter as a "problem", as something he'd be afraid to tell his parents about! And while I can understand someone perhaps being hesitant in telling parents - to ruin what could be a very good relationship, just because he's afraid of what his parents might think.... not good enough at all!

Ash, you deserve someone who would be proud to tell his parents about you and your daughter, who would see the two of you as a blessing and a gift into his life!

ps Don't melt your head over what you see as forcing the issue about where ye were at in terms of the relationship. You did what you thought was best at the time and thats all any of us can do - To be honest it sounds to me like you did the best thing!

ash23

MsHolloway wrote: »

If this is how you feel about just being friends with him, do you really think you can have a relationship with him? That even if he changed his mind you wouldn't resent him on some level for how he acted here.
Personally I'm not sure I could be with someone who effectively saw my daughter as a "problem", as something he'd be afraid to tell his parents about!

I don't know. I may have thought like that once upon a time but having dated a number of men since becoming single, it isn't as neat and tidy as that. A lot (most) men have concerns when it comes to being involved with someone with a child. I have friends who have had guys split with them over the same issue, realise their mistake and return. I never realised the full whack of it until I became involved with a man who had a child. Weekends were out, exs were involved. Even I, as a single parent, struggled with the enormity of it all.

I don't balme someone for not wanting to get involved. I wouldn't want to be with someone with a certain amount of baggage and everyone draws a line somewhere. For eg I would be wary to the point of not interested in someone with a criminal record or someone who was once an addict of any kind.

People are entitled to be uncomfortable with getting involved with someone with a child. I don't hold that against him. But I can't be friends with him either.

metrovelvet

I can understand not wanting to be involved with someone who had a child for all sorts of reasons, but shame is not one of them.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

I can understand not wanting to be involved with someone who had a child for all sorts of reasons, but shame is not one of them.

If I thought it were shame I wouldn't go next nor near him. It's not that he's ashamed that I have a child. It's that his over protective, over involved, over bearing parents will not approve, it will cause tension and hassle at home, he feels guilt about the worry it would bring them etc etc. especially as he lives at home.
His friends know about me and that I have a child, we have been out for drinks, dinners etc etc. I don't think he's ashamed of me or my child.

metrovelvet

It might be for the best then. It could end up bringing a lot of stress to the relationship.

Ugh doesnt it get complicated!

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

It might be for the best then. It could end up bringing a lot of stress to the relationship.

Ugh doesnt it get complicated!

Doesn't it just

Ah the next one will be less complicated. Thats the trend that it seems to be following. I seem to be getting better at picking them. Now they just have minor flaws instead of being totally f*cked up!
Might find myself a nice leprechaun today

Barracudaincork

Sorry to hear this Ash!

You sound like a fighting resilent lady who will bounce back in no time!

I have to say though, if his parents are as over bearing etc as you described you may have had a lucky escape as no doubt they would come up with other reasons, other issues etc etc say if you guys moved in together, got married etc So although you feel you have lost a good guy, you have also lost the parents from hell too!

SarahSassy

Ash23, from what I have 'read' of you on Boards and the advice you have given others, you are impressive with the love you have for your child, the way you got over the last relationship and how together you are. This guy is not together and you dont need him rocking your set up.. You are right to let him off. You deserve the world and not a wimp who cant defend you and your daughter to his parents. You will meet better... Chin up girl and well done on seeing him for what he is.

mood

If his parents are that bad they will probably find other 'faults' with you and your relationship with their son. Do you really want a guy is still tied to the apron strings!

Ickle Magoo

Tbh Ash, I think you're being really generous to the guy. He's basically told you that your not worth the effort or the potential fall-out from telling his family he's going out with a single mother.

He sounds p!ss weak and more than a hint of wanting his cake and eating it - not to mention the brass neck of telling you that you'll be running back to him and considering his clandestine meetings as good enough. I know you say he's a nice fella but his thinking is seriously screwed up and he's showing so little respect for you or your daughter, you are a package, lovable and nothing to be ashamed of, why shouldn't he be prepared to tell his parents as much - unless he agrees with them in some part?

I'd be tempted to tell him where to go based on his lack of will to defend you based on an assumption about his family. Do you really want a man who won't stand up to his parents about something as important as you or your daughter? Maybe consider him showing his true colours as a bit of a lucky escape?

Best of luck

ash23

I probably wouldn't be as nice about it had it been furthur into the whole thing but the fact of the matter is we'd only been together a couple of months which isn't really all that long.
If he foresaw that being with me was going to cause him problems (whatever the reason) then he has a right to call a halt to it.
He wanted to keep seeing me, again thats his right (and who wouldn't chance there arm lol) and when I refused he wanted to be friends (again, his right but also my right to say no thanks).

I was just a bit befuddled as to his refusal to just end it and walk away if that is what he wanted. Instead he was quite insistant on staying a part of my life.


Thanks for all the kind words aswell everyone. I went out today with the little one and some friends and I had a fantastic day with her, she's such a wonderfully funny and slightly weird kid .
Given the choice of her and me and a pair of interfering, controlling parents, I know what I'd be picking but then, they aren't my parents!

I guess i feel a bit sorry for him. I went through a similar phase after my daughter was born. I was back living at home, being told what to do by the 'rents and they were taking over and suffocating me a bit. But they'd done so much for me through the pregnancy and the months after the kiddo arrived that I felt I couldn't throw it back in their faces and leave. So I stayed. And only for an unholy family row one night (not involving me) I might still be there. But that fight gave me the "Get out" card I needed (too many people in the house, not enough space, tensions running high etc etc) and I moved out and my relationship with my parents is all the better for it.

Anyway, I digress, but I suppose that while I can't understand it, in some ways I can. And I honestly don't think it's a "not good enough" thing or that it's shame. It's just circumstance and personality. I'm independent and can live my life the way I want and he can't. Maybe he will in time, maybe he never will. Either way it's not meant to be.

Hardly the great romantic novel of this decade but just another chapter in the saga of my love life!

jenga-jen

ash23 wrote: »

I probably wouldn't be as nice about it had it been furthur into the whole thing but the fact of the matter is we'd only been together a couple of months which isn't really all that long.
......
He wanted to keep seeing me, again thats his right (and who wouldn't chance there arm lol) and when I refused he wanted to be friends (again, his right but also my right to say no thanks)

Ash I've got to +1 to what Ickle Magoo has said about the guy...

From reading the above (and again being a fan of your work on Boards like some of the other posters ) it's not like you hid the fact that you had a daughter from the beginning I'm assuming?

Therefore this guy got involved with you fully aware of your situation, his situation and the limitations his parent's attitudes would place on it. He then went on to tell you that he didn't see a future with you but that really, despite this, you should continue to see him?!

I have to applaud you for your patience, I'd have wanted to thump him!

I think barring any major turnaround on his part, which would want to have a timeline for an intro to the 'rents included, you're better off being with someone who'll appreciate you and your relationship with your daughter from the get go!

Best of luck

ash23

Thanks again guys.

Sometimes a bit of affirmation that your decision is correct is what is needed

The more days that pass (all 2 of them lol) the better I feel about the whole thing and the stronger I feel about the decision I made. Him not contacting me sort of makes it all less clouded and thankfully he is respecting my wishes (although part of me wishes he'd call - but only if it's to tell me what I want to hear).

It's just frustrating really that there is something with so much potential being wasted over something which is (in my mind) so stupid. But he has his reasons, weak willed and all as they may be.

ash23

Sigh...will I ever learn?

Just a little update.

He sent a text yesterday. So dumbass here had been thinking and sent an email basically saying I knew he was worried about hurting me if things went sour with his parents but that was a chance I was willing to take and if he wasn't sure he wanted to end it that maybe we should just stay going as we had been, taking it a day at a time. I also said the one thing I wasn't willing to compromise on was being in a relationship.

So he texts me back to say I made some good points and that while he wasn't 100% sure that he wanted out of things with me he doubted he wanted to get serious either.That I'm a lovely girl and that it's hard now but will get better and I'll meet another lad and he'll be much better for me. (patronising much!)

So I replied that that was fine but that I would have appreciated it from the outset if he had said it was that he didn't want a relationship instead of making me feel that it was about his parents and my daughter and not about him just not wanting a relationship.
Then I deleted his number, deleted him off facebook and to be honest I'm sort of glad I know now. Because he had me feeling sorry for him, that he was so trapped by his parents.
I mean, on saturday this guy was crying down the phone to me and 5 days later he's patronising me about what a great girl I am.

I feel like an idiot and I'm just so p1ssed off with the lame ass excuses people give to make themselves look and feel better. I prefer honesty.

Anyway, rant over. Although this revelation will make it a damn sight easier to move on to better things!

metrovelvet

Wow. Hard to respect him after that.

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

Sorry you feel low pet, but the guy's a wimp - I'm not going to dress this up - that is what he is.

I find it hard to believe he is prepared to be dictated to by his parents and wonder if this really is just an excuse.

You are not a fool - you trusted that things would work out and I think that's great. Better than being negative and always thinking things are going to go t!ts up.

ou are an intellingent, smart and strong woman. This one didnt make the grade IMO.

Onwards and upwards and dont entertain him again when he inevitably comes skulking back :rolleyes:

Oh don't worry I am well and truly done. I'll give anyone the benefit of the doubt but when I find out they've been lying or making excuses then thats it for me.
I've heard them all.
From "I'm not long out of a relationship" to "I'm happy being single". This is just another to add to the list "mammy wouldn't approve".

Essentially it's all just BS and amounts to the same thing "I don't want to be in a relationship with you".
Maybe i'm just odd but I'd rather hear the harsh truth than a pack of bull designed to make me feel better.
At least with the truth you know where you stand and you don't make an ass of yourself by trying to make things work.

Anyway, I'm heading out with the girls for some drinking and dancing over the weekend

Fun times!

LegacyUser

you are truly a strong person and have a lot of dignity!

I applause you, I hope a lot fo people will read your post and i am sure find you an aspiration.

I have gone pretty much the same thing 2 years ago, same ending but for age difference really. Me too i ask for a break cos he was unsure of continuing etc...parents and lads were talking and he felt under pressure because people were talking/slagging him etc..so we ended but then same thing.. crying over the phone and missing me and still loving me and how i was the love of his life no one comparse etc...so like you i gave in and open the chat again, and in the end...same old thing than you except i didnt get you're a great girl, i got you are perfect for me!! BUT...

anyway, if i had read you post back then i would of stay clear of him when he chased me for 6 months none stop, my guess is i am sure he will contact you again, in a while when he wont hear from you and miss you. be strong, i think at first its easy to be strong but with time you might get a bit sentimental and be vulnerable which some guys seems to have a radar for those things unfortunately.

Im sincerely impressed by your will power and wish you all the best, you are a good woman and no doubt you will raise your child with great values.

take care and enjoy your girls night out.

big hug.

ash23

Thanks all

Went out last night and ran straight into a guy I was seeing last year who ended it with the same crap that current guy ended with (wasn't ready for a relationship lah lah lah). Just said hi and went on my merry way but came to the conclusion that this town is too damn small!

Anyway, went today and bought a dress I wouldn't usually consider wearing. Little bit figure hugging but feck it, I need a change.
Looking forward to getting out there and hitting the dancefloor.

No word from himself which is fine. I'm grand now and even with a few drinks in me last night I still fought the urge to text him. I'll be having more than a few tonight so will be giving my phone to someone to mind.

I'm a terrible drunk lol. I've no will power at all.

"I deserve better" has become my new mantra I've a very high opinion of myself these days lol.

LegacyUser

ahah i hear you, im a terrible drunk texter too, secret is to delete the number if that doesnt work, yes, give the phone to someone!!
alcohol can be a dangerous thing, chat up some nice guy before you do something you might regret!!

you have a very good head on your shoulder and you are very mature, its refreshing to read, especially after getting slagged by the 5 years relationship rtc..post imature blowing some steam on me im happy to see that you are one of those girls that dont take crapy from anyone and but do listen to others, if anything, i think people will take you as example for not lettign a guy control their happiness.

again bravo, you are inspiring to many!

hit town tonight after some rugby so hopefully you will meet some nice skirted guy !!

have fun and all the best!!!!

LegacyUser

I have to entirely disagree.

I have followed your posts here ash. And on another site.

And I have to say if I was that guy and I could see you posting every detail of our relationship on the internet, I would be pretty p*ssed off. Your original question was 'Wats he at?'. Perhaps he sees his life all over the net, and is not impressed.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I have to entirely disagree.

I have followed your posts here ash. And on another site.

And I have to say if I was that guy and I could see you posting every detail of our relationship on the internet, I would be pretty p*ssed off. Your original question was 'Wats he at?'. Perhaps he sees his life all over the net, and is not impressed.

Unless you're her ex boyfriend, I don't see why you're bothered about ash23 discussing the relationship she had with her ex. Most women like to discuss relationships, get over it.

You think he's not impressed because his relationship is all over the net? Do you think ash23 should be a mind reader and just know this? Her ex hasn't said anything at all about the internet, and unless he does, there's no reason to assume this is why the relationship ended.

No matter what angle you try, the ex still looks bad.

Good luck ash23 in finding someone who knows how to have an adult relationship

ash23

Unregistered wrote: »

I have to entirely disagree.

I have followed your posts here ash. And on another site.

And I have to say if I was that guy and I could see you posting every detail of our relationship on the internet, I would be pretty p*ssed off. Your original question was 'Wats he at?'. Perhaps he sees his life all over the net, and is not impressed.

At least I have the neck to not hide behind an unreg ID.

Frankly, I don't really care if he sees it or not.
He may recognise himself, perhaps not.
I don't really care one way or the other.

Perhaps if he had the guts to be as open and honest as I am then I wouldn't feel the need to post wondering what he was at, now would I?

Taltos

I think you are feckin Brilliant.

So what if you post on the net - alot of us do.
But so what - it is not like I can tell your name is Jane and you live in Meath or Dundalk or that you are 7 foot 4 and like to wear leopard print headbands....

Seriously though - I was surprised you gave him another chance - but I do think it was the right thing to do - as you never know.
But - the wimp he is - well he really faffed it up - and let out the truth - it is not about his parents - it is all about him - or the lack of him more to the point.
He just is clearly not ready or able for a relationship with someone / anyone right now - especially someone so in touch with themselves.

Hope you have a great night - and remember to hide that mobile

ash23

Thanks Taltos. I intend on having a blast

PS to the unreg poster....this is the only thread on boards about him. And I posted it AFTER we stopped seeing each other so imo it's all fair game after that.

As for the other board I frequent, yes myself and a couple of posters there have a thread about our disasterous dating lives but while I was seeing him, pretty much everything I posted was general and very positive. If I were saying he was a lousy lay or I wasn't keen on him then you might have a point but it was general chat.

Payton

Ash, you have every right to put your post up and look for advice. Look to the future and enjoy life with your child. Letting go has never been easy, and holding on can be as difficult. Yet, strength measured not by holding on but by letting go.

LegacyUser

So I dont have the neck to go unregistered?

And yet your name is Ash23. Which I am assuming is not your real name. Prey tell, whats the difference?

I once had the misfortune of discovering that a girl I was dating was posting every minute detail of our relationship all over the internet.
I said something to her. She told the internet. She said something to me. Funnily enough, it was twisted slightly in her favour when she told the internet that one.

I'm just sayig he may have seen what you have written about him on the internet and that may be why he finished things.

I am perfectly entitled to go unreg on this particular thread - read the charter. I am just offering my advice, for what it's worth. Not everyone likes to have their business aired to the worldwideweb.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm just sayig he may have seen what you have written about him on the internet and that may be why he finished things.

so why hasn't he told her this then?

Just because a girl treated you badly, you can't assume that every girl is the same. Your advice is clouded by bitterness, which is the worst kind of advice anyone can get

The Recliner

Unregistered wrote: »

So I dont have the neck to go unregistered?

And yet your name is Ash23. Which I am assuming is not your real name. Prey tell, whats the difference?

I once had the misfortune of discovering that a girl I was dating was posting every minute detail of our relationship all over the internet.
I said something to her. She told the internet. She said something to me. Funnily enough, it was twisted slightly in her favour when she told the internet that one.

I'm just sayig he may have seen what you have written about him on the internet and that may be why he finished things.

I am perfectly entitled to go unreg on this particular thread - read the charter. I am just offering my advice, for what it's worth. Not everyone likes to have their business aired to the worldwideweb.

OK any more posting about what people say on other websites is not on

Telling people to read the charter is not on, if you have a problem with a post report it

To the same extent calling someone out on posting Unreg is not on

Any further posts from people like this ne they reg or Unreg will lead to bans and pots not being approved and if the unreg people have registered accounts they will be sanctioned too

LegacyUser

Ok.

I apologise for bringing ash23s other website stuff into this.
But I dont see why I might be banned for my opinion on what is a very obvious reason why this guy MAY have finished with her.
The relationship with him has been lived out on the internet.
If I was him, I would not be happy.
I wont post again on this thread.

ash23

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok.

I apologise for bringing ash23s other website stuff into this.
But I dont see why I might be banned for my opinion on what is a very obvious reason why this guy MAY have finished with her.
The relationship with him has been lived out on the internet.
If I was him, I would not be happy.
I wont post again on this thread.

AGAIN, I didn't post about him on here until it was finished so what I posted on here couldn't have contributed to the end of things. I specifically stated why he ended things and his reasons for doing so. I don't understand why someone can come on here, drag up stuff (general banter) from a totally unrelated site and say this is why he finished with me when I've given IN DETAIL his reasons for finishing things. It's not helpful, it's not constructive and it's not necessary.

Actually mods, can you just lock this thread because if you're going to approve posts that are unrelated and pertaining to a different type of posting and a different forum, I'd prefer that the whole thing was just stopped.

The Recliner

ash23 wrote: »

AGAIN, I didn't post about him on here until it was finished so what I posted on here couldn't have contributed to the end of things. I specifically stated why he ended things and his reasons for doing so. I don't understand why someone can come on here, drag up stuff (general banter) from a totally unrelated site and say this is why he finished with me when I've given IN DETAIL his reasons for finishing things. It's not helpful, it's not constructive and it's not necessary.

Actually mods, can you just lock this thread because if you're going to approve posts that are unrelated and pertaining to a different type of posting and a different forum, I'd prefer that the whole thing was just stopped.

The Recliner wrote: »

OK any more posting about what people say on other websites is not on

Telling people to read the charter is not on, if you have a problem with a post report it

To the same extent calling someone out on posting Unreg is not on

Any further posts from people like this ne they reg or Unreg will lead to bans and pots not being approved and if the unreg people have registered accounts they will be sanctioned too

I will lock the thread if you want but have you seen the warning above, no more posts like that will be approved

And if you have a problem with posts report them, when we are approving posts it can be difficult to see them in the context of the threads so we may well approve something that people are not happy with, report it and we will happily remove them