Can anyone relate to me in this situation?

LegacyUser

I know there are lots of girls out there with similar or worse experiences...

Had horrific breakup about a year ago with a fella who treated me like crap, but hey, a sucker for punishment I stayed in the relationship too long. Even after we broke up, he continued abusing my trust, telling lies etc...

Im 31 and completely fecked-up. I dont know if I will ever trust another man again. I guess Id like to hear of people who maybe got through times like this or are currently going through problems like this.

It is hard to meet someone decent, let alone with all these bad feelings towards men.

Now I know people may post saying "all men are not like that", but am looking for something a little more, i dont know, meaningful or purposeful. Something to give me hope. I have had 2 other long term relationships that failed also - I got over them and had a sunny disposition/outlook after them..you know, the "keep your chin up, youll meet someone" attitude. But what I am after realising is that, the older you get, the harder it is to get back up after a fall. Can anyone relate to me? thanks for reading.

Neyite

there are lots of people who have been in the same boat as you, me included. i decided after one head wrecker of a relationship to get a bit of counselling, and i learned so much about how i inadvertantly attracted the same type (the ones who lie and cheat and are a bit nasty) but i also learned so much about myself too.

i really believe we attract like to like. my insecurities attracted guys who got possessive/jealous etc. 6 months after i ended my counselling, i met someone who is amazing - its a very respectful, tranquil and trusting partnership with lots of laughter. 6 years on, we are commited to each other for good.

so it does get better, but you have to start the ball rolling. would deff recommend a short counselling session, my life is great because of the work i did in one. money well spent

LegacyUser

I can totally relate. I've gotten to the stage where I'd rather not look for someone, and have become quite rude to men in nightclubs (ie I'll politely respond to questions asked of me, but beyond that I show no interest in them). I don't trust men, unfortunately, and it would take more than it used to take to be interested in dating again.

The flipside of this is that now I've stopped looking for men, I've started doing things I like rather than doing things in order to meet men. I'm doing all the things I've always wanted to do. Before I thought I didn't have the time to do them, which in hindsight was total bull.

My advice to you would be to forget all about men, because they're not the be all and end all. Your happiness is the be all and end all. At the moment, relationships hurt you. So don't get into them. There are other paths to happiness, you just have to figure out what it is that makes you happy.

magneticimpulse

I did the same as the above poster. I got counselling...it helped. It takes time, it really does. Prob about a year since things went rocky in relationship with ex and its now about 6 months after the messy break up.

I only did about 3 months counselling. Mainly the objective was to get back into a routine. To eat normal, be on top of things. My sleep still needs a routine...but like that it all takes time. I cant say you will meet Mr.Fantastic, but the important thing is that you start living your life for you!!! Forget about meeting someone special. Forget that you could be a "hopeless" case.

The truth is, your not any of these things. You can have so much fun by yourself!! Really if your previous relationship was anyway as dreadful as mine. You will now wake up each day happy. Happy that you dont have someone who lies, happy that you dont have to put up with crap. That is satisfaction in itself.

Join a club/meetup social event. Get out there and have fun. Take space and time to enjoy life and get back to a positive attitude. Meet new people. I cant say you will have the fairytale prince, but I can guarantee that you will enjoy life more if you stop thinking you have to have a man to have a complete life.

Darlughda

Yes, am in my thirties with 3 serious relationships long in the past. Took me a long while to get used to being single, now I would be very reluctant to give that up, especially for 'Mr. Fantastic'. I'd be much more interested in Mr. Great but with human flaws, these days.

As other posters have said, seek counselling. It really does help, (with the right counsellor!). You will have self esteem issues and then a lot of anger to deal with and if you rollercoast into a new relationship the sh1t will get harder to deal with.

I am very clear about what I want nowadays and I am long over the bad boy/ passion excluding all else style relationships, and if you try moving beyond your old patterns with the help of counselling, it can really help you change your life around.

Don't forget the the age thing is a society construct perpetuated by the media. There really is no age limit to meeting someone who is just right for you, men at all ages are keen to fall in love and meet someone special. The trick is to be in a place in your own development where you don't miss out on these opportunities.

steddyeddy

canyourelate wrote: »

I know there are lots of girls out there with similar or worse experiences...

Had horrific breakup about a year ago with a fella who treated me like crap, but hey, a sucker for punishment I stayed in the relationship too long. Even after we broke up, he continued abusing my trust, telling lies etc...

Im 31 and completely fecked-up. I dont know if I will ever trust another man again. I guess Id like to hear of people who maybe got through times like this or are currently going through problems like this.

It is hard to meet someone decent, let alone with all these bad feelings towards men.

Now I know people may post saying "all men are not like that", but am looking for something a little more, i dont know, meaningful or purposeful. Something to give me hope. I have had 2 other long term relationships that failed also - I got over them and had a sunny disposition/outlook after them..you know, the "keep your chin up, youll meet someone" attitude. But what I am after realising is that, the older you get, the harder it is to get back up after a fall. Can anyone relate to me? thanks for reading.

did all these men treat you the same way, i dated women with simular ways of treating me and it helped to anylise what i was looking for in these women, once i found out what i saw/was seeking in them it made sense as it was the very thing i thought i needed in my life.

pilgrim1

hi, I'm a 43 year old man. My wife told me recently that she has been lying to me and doesn't love me anymore. She says also been telling me lot's of lies which has led me to think all sorts of things and been texting another man . She told me I'm the perfect father, the perfect husband and the perfect man. I'm worried sick I'm going to lose my kids. I'm also losing my job in june. As you can imagine all of this has left me feeling pretty down. It all only came to a head this weekend. You're right when you say you don't want to hear anyone telling you the usual ****e of keep your chin up, you'll meet some else etc. It's not what you need to hear right now. There is no magic wand to take away the pain, hurt and betrayal. None of it's your fault you've got to believe that. Will things get better in the future? Only if you decide they will. Look for the person you were before this relationship. She's still inside you somewhere, just a little lost at the moment. Not all men are that bad. Trust me, I know.. Take care and try and be happy. Easier said than done I know

gangie

I was in an abusive (mental & physical) relationship about 3 years ago. We lived togoether and when I finally fecked him out and ended the relationship, which I was delighted about, I really felt that i might never meet anyone again or that when I did it would take me so long to trust them or ever real really confidant in the relationship.

Well fast forward, and here I am : met my oh a few months after (we were friends first but it was still very quick and I really wanted to be single for a while, but he changed my mind!) and we have been living together over a year now, will be getting married in the future, and are expecting out first baby in November

I couldnt be happier! I really believe that because of my past ****ty relationship and experiences that I am more appreciative of what iv got, I work harder at communication in our relationship and now eventually relaise that I am worth and am able for, a normal happy relationship with someone that loves and respects me.

Good things do happen, you will be happy again, Im dure of it!

LegacyUser

tnks for the replies, positive stories and advice.

I have quite a good social life, just never seem to meet anyone. I think am giving off the wrong signals. I remember before, being younger, Id go out/meet people with a big smile on my face, now I pull awkward faces I didnt even know I had. I kind of let myself go aswell, looks-wise, due to stress and otherthings. Maybe need to address things like this - probably all self-esteem related. I just feel very very down at the moment - like Im loosing faith, but desperately trying to hold on.

Out of the other two relationships, the first guy was a complete gentleman - I feck up the relationship. the second was a gentleman for about 3 years then it all went wrong. funny thing is both of these guys are now married!

I need to fix myself before getting into another relationship or ill transfer things from previous relationship (mainly distrust) onto the next guy.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

athlone M

Hi can you relate.
I had a steady line of boyfriends who all seemed to go the same way of doing the dirty on me and lying about it until they would catch themselves out on their lies, and eventually it turned around that I couldn't stay faithful to any fella up until I met my husband, while I was at college I had a saying of men were b**s****s. After a particularly nasty breakup which stemmed from me thinking that I was pregnant (turned out that I was just really late thank god!!) and him telling me that if so the child wasn't his and he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, which resulted in us breaking up, (funny thing was I had never slept with anyone else while I was with him), despite finding out afterwards that he had been sleeping with my room mate when I was gone home at the weekends (which would explain our dwindling relationship) After this breakup I had no interest in a long term relationship with any fella, despite having had a few dates with various fellas who all seemed decent enough I think I was just too hurt to try again until I had a 1 night stand with a guy who I had known since we were teenagers and the next day he treated me as if I was a glorified prostitute. It was then that I realised that I couldn't continue to live my life like this and for any man to ever truly love and care for me I first had to learn to look after myself and respect myself. After I had given up on my old ways I met an old friend again and he asked me out, we went on a date and on this date I knew he was different we took things very slowly and 8 years later we are married with two beautiful children, so I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe first you have to love and respect yourself in order to get this love and respect back.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your help and kind words.
It is awful to feel so down-trodden and lonely.
I am lonely, I still pine for my ex. Even though he lied and did things, I still enjoyed his company. up until recently we had contact daily. Then he stopped suddenly-so word of advice to anyone about breaking contact - do it straight away or it will come back to bite you - like me a year later. I guess maybe he isnt out of my system yet. I deserve better things.

At the end of the day it is better to be lonely than it is to be in an unhealthy relationship. Right now it doesnt matter how many friends I am with or anything, I just feel lonely.

I am 31 and my personal life needs a defibrilator. My sister who I confide in says that someday it will happen for me-that Ill meet someone special. Some people are lucky, I just dont think it will happen for me.

I need to get proactive and change my thinking. Maybe my "look at the sunny side" will return.

magneticimpulse

Like other people have said, you need to love yourself before someone will love you back. You said you let yourself go!!! So how can somebody love you, if you dont love yourself and dont see yourself as a catch? With this negative attitude you wont meet anybody.

You will meet someone when you are positive, smiley and happy. So you have to ask yourself, how are you going to be like that?

Are you in a gym? Sport, exercise? You might not enjoy it, but once you get into going to gym all the time, you will start to look and feel better. You will have a natural glow.

Food? Healthy diet etc, lots of veg, protein, cut out on take-aways and fast food.

Make-Up/Clothes Maybe check out some Blogs on the net, TheStyleDiet, lollipop26, dazzledust ...its a bit naf...but these girls are so positive. They discuss about fashion, style, good make up. Ways to style your hair, get bargains, jazz up your look. How to apply make up. It got me out of my rut. I went out and treated myself to some nice lipsticks, bronzers, eye shadow. Got some new dresses, etc.

Maybe a spa treatment/weekend away with the girls.

Take up a language course, cooking class or something. Do something new. Plenty things on meetup.com to get you out. Gigs, Comedy, New and not so new in Dublin,

You will be so busy with all this stuff....that you will forget looking for a guy, be really happy and positive and out of the blue, its exactly when you will meet someone. You have to not let yourself "go" any longer....get out and change that mind,

sashafierce

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profitius

Firstly, do you know what you want in a partner? Because usually you get what you focus on. If you focus on violent men you'll end up with one and won't know why you're attracted and it won't make sense. Its because by focusing on a particular type, you've programmed your subconscious mind to have that type.

Think about what you don't like. Write down the things you don't like. Then write the opposite of those things to find out what you do like and want. Focus on those things and you'll find someone who matches because your mind will be open to attracting that sort of person.