Alfonso's story

HalloweenJack

I would appreciate some C&C to this. In the piece, I'm introducing a character and need to reveal his back story first.

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Alfonso approached the standard-bearer. With his back to Alfonso, the royal servant was oblivious as he gazed out on the battlefield. Portuguese troops had forced the Castilian knights to dismount and engage in hand-to-hand combat. The King was beside his servant, mounted in his shining silver armour on his horse. His puzzled and fearful stare told Alfonso everything: the King knew his men were in trouble and that one more mistake could lead to a massacre by the Portuguese.

Alfonso knew how to cause the mistake. He stealthily evaded the King's line of vision by hunching over and tip-toeing up to his servant on the King's blind side. The servant was standing next to him with the flagpole firmly gripped by his weary hands. Both the King and the servant's eyes were locked on the battle. This lush green hill overlooking the battlefield was a perfect vantage point for them.

Alfonso paused as he was behind the servant. Make it quick, he whispered to himself. He removed the knife from it's brown sheath and, with a trembling hand, he raised his left arm over the servant's head. The King noticed and called out to Alfonso. Undeterred, Alfonso reached out with his right arm and turned the servant around. The servant's confused face quickly transformed into one of terror. Alfonso drove the knife into the servant's neck, piercing the skin to the side of his Adam's apple. It was driven so far in that the tip struck the servant's neck bone.

Steadying his prey with his right arm, Alfonso removed the knife forcefully before inserting it once more, this time swiping it through the servant's jugular. The exposed vein erupted like a volcano, blood spurted out, quickly covering the servant's neck and soaking his tunic. The colour quickly drained from his face as he fell to his knees before collapsing at the feet of his murderer.

The whole time, the King stared, frozen in fear on his horse, aghast that one of his own soldiers was attacking his servant. Scared, he dug his heels into his horse and she galloped away. Alfonso had succeeded. The standard-bearer had died and now the coward King had fled.

Once the troops on the battlefield looked up at the hill and saw the flag had fallen and the King could not be seen, they assumed he was dead. Now only thinking of themselves, they tried to escape the hopeless tussle with the Portuguese. Alfonso remained on the hill and oversaw the Castilian soldiers retreat as they ran from the battle, hopeless and frightened.

The Castilian retreat was followed by pursuing, blood-thirsty Portuguese soldiers. The Castilians were slaughtered. Not knowing where to go, they were easy targets for the Portuguese who simply needed to fire crossbows and take them down with precise marksmanship.

Alfonso had done his job. Once the battlefield had been cleared of all living soldiers, he untied his horse and slowly returned to the town where he had met Dom Nuno, the general who had offered him money and safe passage through Portuguese territory in exchange for the betrayal of his King.

In Leiria, Dom Nuno provided him with a healthy sum of reais and five Portuguese soldiers who would escort him back to Castilian land. There, Alfonso would be lauded as a hero for having fought for Castile's honour. His betrayal would remain unknown. Noone, except the King, had seen him kill the servant. And the King’s cowardly flight convinced Alfonso that he would be too afraid of such a ruthless traitor to go after him.

dawvee

I like the character you're building in this piece, but I found myself wanting more imagery to really put me in the scene. As it is, the only solid imagery I'm seeing is the gore. Maybe put in a bit more detail about the uniforms, the site of the battle, the sounds and smells of the field. Right now it's like a quick pencil sketch with a splash of red paint. It's interesting enough that I'm craving more detail about the specifics to really put me in the scene.