A bit lost

kjl

OK, I post here regularly enough but I don't need to go anonymous as I know the party involved doesn't read boards.

OK, so I moved to New York a while back and everything is great, but there is this bar that I like going to every Wed for this quiz type night they have on there. So last week I was there and the bar tender (female) asked me out, now I wasn't overly attracted to this girl, but I figured she was a bit of fun and maybe I should give it a go.

So last Saturday we went out and in her mind she must have though it went very well, we went for dinner then on to bowling and then to a bar. We were joking around and having a good time the whole time.

The problem is that I am not attracted to her in a sexual manner at all. Where as she might have got the impression that I might have been.

During the date I openly told her that I don't like having casual sex and that I don't have sex with someone unless I really connect with them emotionally, but now she is off thinking were thick as thief's.

So here is the problem, how do I tell her that I'm not interested without hurting her feelings, I don't want to ruin quiz night as its something I have made a few mates in over here. But in saying all that, I really felt I didn't lead her on, am I a bad person because I didn't just shoot her down instantly? Was it wrong to get her hopes up by actually going on the date.

How do I get out of this without losing face?

florality

I think you have no problems.
The NY dating scene is very different to that in Ireland. People casually date, and often date many people. There is no expectation of a relationship unless you state one. After one date you are perfectly entitled to not want to pursue it.
How did you leave things at the end of the date?
If you are worried about being in the place where you like to go, I would suggest you have a quick conversation with her. Tell her you really enjoyed her company, but for you the chemistry isn't right. I think she will appreciate you being honest rather than you leading her on. Plus if you do enjoy her company, you might have the possibility for a friendship.

unclecessna

I agree with Florality, Having lived over a year in the States recently myself I think the dating scene is much more casual than in Ireland - it's almost just another thing you do along with hobbies etc to pass your free time and things don't usually get heavy for a while so I doubt that she would be too offended if you tell her straight up.

I liked dating in America because it was usually quite informal, a big deal wasn't ever made of it and it was fun just hanging around people from a very different culture to ours.

kjl

When to tell her is the problem now? I want to go to this pub on wed and she is working, it's going to be pretty busy so I'm not sure if I should tell her.

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my post either, this girl I think has developed feeling for me, not just after one date, but as I said I go to this bar a lot and chat to her a fair bit.

I really want a way to get out of with no hurt feelings.

unclecessna

Well if the girl likes you then it's inevitable that her feelings will be hurt unfortunately to some extent - that said though there is a right way and a wrong way of letting her down which in turn can lead to her gettting over it either faster or slower depending on the way you handle the situation. But she will get over it in time for sure.

The right way is being an adult about it and just telling her that you are not interested in a relationship at the moment - The wrong way being the cowardly route a lot of people take which is to just stick your head in the sand and completely blank her hoping that she will just take the hint.

You sound like a good lad so I'll wager you are going to do it the right way.
Best of luck.