Taking a Break?

LegacyUser

Never thought I'd ever be writing anything in this forum...

Basically my girlfriend of 4 years wants to take a break, we've been together since we were 20. She has some issues she needs to sort out and I think is generally very unhappy with her life and how things have worked out for her recently.

A month or so ago I came home to find her crying and very upset about something. We talked about it anyway and I eventually moved the conversation on to our future and it came out that she thinks she needs some time apart in order for our relationship to work long term (which is what we both want). She is afraid that her being miserable all the time is going to ruin our relationship, and she needs some time to sort herself out (she dumps a lot of her problems on me, gets upset when I can't help her with them, and then ends up feeling guilty for expecting me to be able to solve them). She feels that she has spent her life trying to make other people happy and that she needs some time to herself where she has no responsibilites to anybody.

Basically what she originally proposed what nothing more than a breakup. She called it a break but it had no end date, she had no responsibilties to me, and there was to be no contact. After realising I was deeply unhappy with this she decided we'd meet later in the year to discuss getting back together, and I thought she'd agreed not to be with other people as this is one issue about this whole thing I just can't accept. However wires were crossed and that wasn't the case.

She says she needs to has no responsibilities to anybody and part of that is that she shouldn't feel like she can't be with other people because of me. It's not that she wants to go off and play around, but that she just needs that freedom. Basically this is my problem, I am very unhappy with this. If she needs to take time to herself and a break from me then that is ok, I can wait for her. If she wants to basically break up with me for a period of time, do whatever she wants, and then come back to me... I just can't accept that.

We've talked in great length about this and I'm finding it impossible to find a solution. I 100% believe her when she says that being with other people is completely not the point of this whole thing, but the fact is it's a real possibility, and she admits that. It's also a real possibility that she won't be with anybody, so I don't want to break up now over something that is purely hyptothetical for the meantime. She is not very promiscous and we were each other's first and only sexual partners to date, but she will not guarantee me that she won't sleep with anybody else (she basically admitted it's unlikely because of the person she is, but the whole point of this break is that she doesn't have to guarantee anything to anybody).

Another problem is that she will be going abroad this summer, meeting new people and having endless opportunities to do whatever she wants. I am a postgrad student and will be stuck in Ireland all summer working on a project. I'm not hugely outgoing and don't have a great record with women. That is kind of irrelevant really, I don't intend on being with other people just for the sake of it... it's just that I feel I would just be sitting around Ireland finishing my education waiting for her to come home. It's not really a level playing field, I am getting absolutely nothing out of this situation.

If she did end up sleeping with somebody else then that would be that as far as I'm concerned, I'd have to have some seriously low self respect to let somebody walk all over me like that. At the moment I'm considering just telling her to take this time to herself and we'll meet and discuss things when she gets back. If something did happen with her and other men then that's something we'll discuss at the time, but I know if something serious happened then I'd consider the relationship finished.

Sorry if that's too long or doesn't make much sense, to fully explain the situation I'd have to write about 10 pages. Has anybody else ever been on a break? Do they ever work?

LegacyUser

I hate saying this

But I think the relationship is finished. Sounds like she is trying to let you down gently. She is going abroad and probably wants to be single so she can meet up with other people and not feel guilty.

She wants to be young free and single and then if that all doesnt work out she will have you to fall back on

As hard as it may be to hear. She is keeping her options open. At least she cares enough about you to break up with you rather than doing it behind your back

Set this girl free. If its meant to be she will be back.

SteeveSmith

doesnt sound right at all to me.

i agree with you on the fact that if she wants a break from a relationship then thats fine but she should be able to guarantee you that she will remain faithful.

im sorry but if she runs off and finds a new man that she likes then i highly doubt she'll come back to you. sounds like she is trying to use you as a fallback plan.

if she needed space and time for herself then she shouldnt even THINK that she MIGHT get with other guys.

AnonoBoy

Sorry to tell you this but you're breaking up.

You can dress it up as 'taking a break' but it's over between you for the time being and quite possibly for good.

LegacyUser

Yeah I realise this is basically a break up. I kind of couldn't believe what she was proposing at first, especially when it became clear she wanted to be free to see other people. I've made it clear to her I don't consider this a break, it's a break up. After that she agreed to a date to meet up on (in September), but would not guarantee she won't see other people.

Steve, I'm not concerned about whether she'll come back to me or not. If she uses this 'break' to go off and experiment with other guys then I don't want her back.

I'm a very logical person and I know that if I was the one giving the advice I would tell her to fúck off, but love clouds everything. The fact of the matter is that I 100% believe her when she says this isn't about seeing other people, even though that's the issue that is causing all the problems. There is a decent enough chance she won't be with anybody when we are apart, so I don't want to throw away what we have because of something that might not happen.

Optimus Caesar

dude123456789 wrote: »

At the moment I'm considering just telling her to take this time to herself and we'll meet and discuss things when she gets back. If something did happen with her and other men then that's something we'll discuss at the time, but I know if something serious happened then I'd consider the relationship finished.

This sounds like the only option you can have.
You seem to know exactly what you want. All you can do is wait, but you are right that the alarm bells are ringing.
Best of luck and hope you get the outcome you desire.

MissHoneyBun

I don't think it's as simple as your girlfriend wanting to break up with you, even if that is what inevitably happens. Relationships and lives are complicated things and it sounds as though your girlfriend is feeling overwhelmed and very confused at the moment. I think it's normal and responsible of her to want to take a step back from things in order to gain some perspective.

I understand that this is obviously difficult for you and leaves you in a sort of emotional limbo but you have to ask yourself: 1. Would you prefer the relationship to continue under false pretences? and 2. Is she worth waiting for? And if so, what are the terms and conditions of taking a break from the relationship.

Basically, an open and honest discussion is what's needed where you both really talk and really listen to each other. I think knowing where the other person is coming from and consequently where ye both stand would make this easier for both of you to deal with.

Raekwon

From painful experience, taking a break is 9 times out of 10 just a prolonged break up, there could still be hope but the odds are severally stacked against you I'm sorry to say.

After 4 years you are getting a very raw deal here, but women tend to try and let guys down gently instead of being completely upfront and honest about their intentions. She can give you all the excuses in the world and pad the situation out as much as possible but it seems like she has been planning this for a while now and I doubt anything will change her mind.

My ex tried something similar with me, we went on a break for 2 months (her choice) then when she finally found the courage to break up with me she said (and I quote) "Maybe if we are both still single this time next year we can get back together". I'm not going to write what I told her because Wibbs will ban me for using foul and abusive language but inside I was gob-smacked at how selfish the women I wanted to spend the rest of my life with had become.

If I was you, and I know this will feel impossible to do, but I'd break up with her and try moving on as soon as possible. Don't ever be anyone's Plan B!!! The whole "lets meet in September after I come back from travelling to see if we can continue where we left off" is one of the biggest cop-outs that I have ever heard in my life and a humongous red flag too. Would she be happy if she had to stay in Ireland working on a project while you gallivanted across Europe all summer, hell no, so why should it be different for her? Walk away with your pride intact man!

Cheap Thrills!

I did this to an ex when I was her age. Its all BS, what she actually means is 'I want to be with other people' -her statements are full of contradictions because her head is.

She wants the freedom to be with others but wants the possibility of getting back with you if she wipes out with other lads.

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine the confusion you are feeling trying to decipher all the nonsense she is speaking.

What it means is, she wants to move on and is going to, but is scared and guilty about hurting you. She might not even know that herself but thats what it is.

krudler

break up with her first would be my advice, the "taking a break" thing is just a cowards way of dumping you, been there, done that, as have other people I know. What they say is "i need time to myself" when what they really mean is "we've been together ages and Im kinda sick of you, I want to see if I can be single and meet other people and sure if that doesnt work out we can be together again"

Even if she does want to just be on her own, theres no guarantee she wont meet someone else and think its ok because you're on a break, or just wind up breaking up with you anyway once she knows she has options.

Like was already said, never settle for being someones fallback boyfriend, its utterly selfish of her to want this and the "no responsibilities" excuse is just BS. Do she imagine ye wont see each other for a few months then all of a sudden her responsibilites issue will just disappear? Its fine to be there for people and still have time to yourself, I manage it just fine.

LegacyUser

Yeah I understand what you're all saying, because it's the same thing that my head is telling me. She has assured me though that she loves me and she can't see herself being with anybody else long term, I don't think this is as simple as a cowardly way of dumping me. She's a very complicated person, and has some serious issues she needs to sort out. I'm not getting into that because I don't ever believe in 100% anonymity on the internet, but she's agreed to see a professional about them if they're still a problem after this.

I met her last night, and we came extremely close to breaking up because that's what my head was telling me to do. In the end I said that I will meet her in September like she originally wanted, but that just like she can't make any guarantees to me, I can't guarantee that I'll actually want to be with her again after doing this to me. We've been together a long time and like I said, she still sees us ending up together. I'm aware all that can change when she takes time away from me, but I'm not willing to completely throw what we have away right now. I'm under no illusions that this is going to work out, and I know the chances of it doing so are slim enough, but I'm willing to wait until September to give us that chance at least.

muboop1

My advice, is meet her in september or whatever, but for yourself, treat this as a break up. Think of her as your ex...

This is what she will be doing!

Anything else and you will be just hanging on... waiting for her to maybe come back? even subconciously....

would you feel free to hook up with another girl in the mean time?

or let other potential gf chances pass etc...

its a break up...

LegacyUser

I dont want to give you false hope but my boyfriend and myself went on a break last week. His decision..the usual " I need to think about my life" stuff. I was heartbroken and alot of people, like on here, told me to move on. A break DOES NOT mean a breakup and its not always doom and gloom. If she really loves you she will come back to you sooner rather than later. My advise would be to give her room,space to breath, to think. Dont contact her and respect her wishes. I know my boyfriend appreciated it so much, plus he realised he missed me too much.

We're back together now and things are better than ever. It made me stronger too, dont be a door mat either!Take this time for you,you'll realise that life goes on and you can live without them afterall.

best of luck OP!

LegacyUser

Hi Op. Just to say that I agree with the other posters.. people will try to diffuse a situation like this, and only make it worse in the process. Supposing she is going to dump you... Now, aside from feeling bad about the brake up, you have the added resentment that comes with being lied to.

I loved somebody, and they left me for somebody else. I was understanding, because they lied about why this was happing to "us", and of the "special" circumstances surrounding this persons issues etc (something I will not be tiptoeing around ever again). Well, whatever understanding I had quickly evaporated when I realised I was the last person to find out. Its a tough brake, but she ain't the world, just another person. Realising this is the hardest as you have to ask yourself "why did I need to believe in this to the point when I was clearly deluded?" Its going to be tough if she leaves you, and be prepared to learn a thing or two about this person you love. You may find that there was more to consider of them than what you actually loved all that time. If your not happy with they way things pan out, don't be overly nasty. Just find some outlet. Do give it to her strait though, remember, you bought into this relationship, you gave this person your whole life, and now they change their mind. That's cold man.