How do I fix this?

LegacyUser

Basically, without realising it, I've nearly destroyed my relationship over the last few weeks. I repeatedly acted like a complete bollox to my OH and nearly drove him away. I finally realised it, when it was almost too late. He's agreed to give me a second chance, and I want to make him remember why he loves me. How do I make it up to him, and get our relationship back on track?

cafecolour

I assume the two of you have already had a long discussion where you've apologized and the like?

I'd schedule some actually 'dates' - ie like you would do when you were first together. Go to a movie and dinner, flirt, pretend in some ways that you're starting anew.

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

I assume the two of you have already had a long discussion where you've apologized and the like?

I'd schedule some actually 'dates' - ie like you would do when you were first together. Go to a movie and dinner, flirt, pretend in some ways that you're starting anew.

thanks yeh we've talked and ive apologised. we havent seen each other in person yet though and hes still being a bit cold when we talk online or text so i think hes still pretty angry. i was thinking of dates alright. hopefully hell thaw out a bit when we see each other, im just tying myself up in nots at the moment. when i see him should i just act normaly or apologise again or be extra nice or what?

Chinafoot

You say you've realised your bad behaviour but have you realised the actual reasons for this behaviour? It seems a bit odd to me that you would treat your partner like muck for no reason.

Apologising is all well and good but unless you've actually told him why you were behaving in that way he may be wary of getting involved with you again. Don't keep saying sorry to him, instead explain what was going on with you which made you act like that. You can't hope that an apology will erase all of it and things will go back to the way they were. The very least he deserves is an explanation.

If you don't know why you did it then perhaps you need to take a good long look at your relationship and your feelings towards your partner.

LegacyUser

oops! wrote: »

Basically, without realising it, I've nearly destroyed my relationship over the last few weeks. I repeatedly acted like a complete bollox to my OH and nearly drove him away. I finally realised it, when it was almost too late. He's agreed to give me a second chance, and I want to make him remember why he loves me. How do I make it up to him, and get our relationship back on track?

Firstly, let me say I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this as I went through a similar experience.

So, you acted like an a-hole and now some form of guilt or fear of losing him has given some gravity to the situation eh? Consider the words you used in your post - that would be the first thing I'd point out i.e. you said you want to make him remember why he loves you? Surely the motivation of turning this around would be an expression of why you love him, would it not? Kind of sounds like you're a little selfish, no? (I might be wrong and don't take offence, it's just how it appears). Your actions should be born of your feelings for him, not a method to extract apprecation from him towards you - remember that.

By virtue of the fact he's tolerated your behaviour for the past while leads me to think he's a decent sort and decent folk are thin on the ground, believe me sunshine! - it's easy to meet people but not so easy to meet the nice ones; if anything that should be a starting point for your reflections. After that I'd agree with the other posts that suggest you should consider why you acted the way you did? Because if you just want to make yourself feel better for a bit and then return to good old a-hole mode I think the best favour you could do him is move along, let him find someone better than you because eveyone deserves care and respect as minimum requisites to a relationship and he will find that eventually, but not with you getting in his way!!

So, if you are genuine and it was just a bad episode (they can happen as relationships are never easy) then start taking stock of what he brings to your life and vice versa. Spend some quality time together and make him feel like you want him, enjoy his company and care for him. Surprise will be your best friend if you want to win him back as surprise always involves effort and premeditation - it won't go unnoticed and he'll realise that you are sorry and are putting in the energy to rescue the situation. Maybe a night or two away/cinema trip/sexy surprise or call over to him and have a cuddle-fest evening in front of the tv with a take-away and bottle of wine. Whatever, it's always the simple stuff that counts the most so just put in some effort and you'll get results. Itimacy is always the first to fall IMO when things take a nosedive in a relationship, you won't win him over without involving that so put that on top of your priority list (but only if it's sincere).

Most of all make it a consistent effort if you are genuine about him. Regardless of it only being a relationship and not a marriage or whether you can't see yourself being lifelong partners, this in no way justifies you treating him like he's expendable. Relationships are supposed to be fun and sometimes the one you didn't think was anything too serious can outlive all others you've ever been in, love might find you without you even looking for it - mark these words lady.

Lastly, move on from this and don't dwell on it as I'm sure he'd like to put it behind him also. Get busy living as they say and enjoy the fact that you have someone who wants you and cares for you - it doesn't have to be all heavy and full of drudgery, just relax and have fun, lifes too short.

Hope my few cents gives you a little insight and best of luck.

LegacyUser

Yes i know why i behaved that badly but i didnt realise it at the time. basically lets say i was made redundant. in the weeks coming up to finishing i got really stressed about being unemployed. so i started picking fights with my oh because that made my stress into something tangible that i could deal with. at the time i had no idea i was doing this. it was only when he exploded and finished with me that i saw it. took a couple of days for the realisation to hit me like abus and when it did i called him and apologised, explained myself, apologised, begged him to give me another chance, apologised some more etc. i know i acted appallingly. thankfully hes agreed to give me another shot. we havent seen each other yet and i know hes still angry.

i wont behave like this again. im generally quite self aware and once i know about a bad behaviour im good at catching myself from doing it again. i need to show him this tho.

thanks for the replies so far, especially heardthisbefore - it was pretty harsh but helpful.

MsHolloway

To err is human op, remember this

The most important thing is you've realised your behaviour and more than willing to work on it. Great!

Time is going to be a huge factor here - give it time. It won't fix itself over night. Just be patient and continue to treat him as wonderfully as you feel about him.

Just to add, I'm been in both your situation and your bf's.
All I will ask is, op are you sure that you are 100% happy in the relationship?

Best of Luck

Barracudaincork

OP, the person he loves is you before you had that redundancy stress, just be that person again and he will see why he loves you himself. You can be that person again as you have said you know the problem and you have dealt with it, so in fact you are already that person again.

You say you know he is still angry, im sorry but no you dont, you only assume that, you are reading too much into his online chats and are looking for signs of bad stuff, eg you say he is angry etc looking at the bad stuff, yet you dont seem to realise one very good thing......... he is chatting to you, not the normal behaviour of someone who is angry, dont you think?

Remember although you didnt mean it you did hurt him and his wounds just wont heal overnight and it may take seeing you in person for him to feel better again, so maybe he is being "protective" of himself in his online chats. The good news is that no one hurts over people they dont care about, so i think he does still care about you.

LegacyUser

oops! wrote: »

Yes i know why i behaved that badly but i didnt realise it at the time. basically lets say i was made redundant. in the weeks coming up to finishing i got really stressed about being unemployed. so i started picking fights with my oh because that made my stress into something tangible that i could deal with. at the time i had no idea i was doing this. it was only when he exploded and finished with me that i saw it. took a couple of days for the realisation to hit me like abus and when it did i called him and apologised, explained myself, apologised, begged him to give me another chance, apologised some more etc. i know i acted appallingly. thankfully hes agreed to give me another shot. we havent seen each other yet and i know hes still angry.

Definitely you should always show the same respect for your partner that you want for yourself.

But there's one thing I find weird about your break-up. You were tetchy with him due to redundancy. He exploded and broke up with you. Maybe I've picked it up wrong, but why did he not talk to you about it instead of breaking up with you? It sounds a pretty immature response to something that could so easily be solved by talking it out. He's every right to be annoyed if you're all tetchy around him, but breaking up with you is very extreme, and coupled with his coldness now, well it makes him sound high maintenance to be honest.