Paying for dates?

LegacyUser

How do people feel about guys paying for everything?
Im a guy and with my last 3 girlfriends... with 2 i paid for everything. I mean everything. Not an exaggeration. Cinema tickets, meals you name it. With those 2 both ended up cheating on me - that could be seen as a side note but that made me think why the hell did I pay for everything? you know yourself.

fast forward to now. I broke up girlfriend number 3 in late december. I went out on a few dates with girls in Jan and Feb on this year. I was expected to pay for everything. Now, I believe in the rule guy pays for first date. I dont mind that. I'll take an example of a girl i had 2 dates with in Feb. I pay first date. Fine. But then the second date comes about and again, I was expected to pay for everything. So I did again, third date comes around. Expected again. I cancelled the date.

I guess what I am asking. Is it wrong to have the attitude of its a "dealbreaker" if a girl doesnt put anything towards a date?
I'm not mean with money. Its just that I think I got used in previous relationships because I was just too nice and too much of a free ride you know.

Whats the general rule with people on the board?... like when would your cut-off point of paying be?

cafecolour

I prefer the 'miss manners' approach myself - she essentially says that whoever makes the date (ie does the inviting) should foot the bill. And then ideally, in a reciprocal relationship people would essentially alternate invites. If one party doesn't have the mean the other does, they'd basically just come up with dates that are more within their budget - ie in the 'old' days a woman might reciprocate by inviting the guy over for a home-cooked meal.

Now I'm not the best judge of guy-girl customs in Ireland, so I don't know how many women go with that. I'd ask though if money was the only way your prior relationships were one-sided - ie did they call and ask you out on dates as well (that then you paid for) - or have you done most of the pursuing and inviting. If it's the later, that's a big sign they're just not that interested in general.

Gordon

I'll buy if I invite a woman out, if she invites me out I'll offer to share the cost. Best case scenario is one person buys, then the other person buys alternating as cafecolour is talking about. I prefer that to splitting the bill by going Dutch, it just seems so unromantic to me. I wouldn't date someone that expected me to pay their way unless there was a really good reason to..

Fed_Up_Paying wrote: »

But then the second date comes about and again, I was expected to pay for everything. So I did again, third date comes around. Expected again.

What makes you think it was expected - did they say "You are buying" or was there some strange implied subtext in the conversation?

LegacyUser

Thanks for getting back guys
I guess i am talking more so about a relationship.
Like the guy paying for the first few dates is ok. But what happens more so after 5-6 dates... or even in a relationship. What then if you are always expected to pay for everything?

leggo

I don't pay for the first date personally, unless I specifically say so beforehand for whatever reason (i.e. she's short of cash and I'm after getting paid etc). She should be trying to impress me just as much...why should I give her a free night out? Just because I'm interested enough to ask her? Please...

If it develops, then I've no problem regularly treating them by paying for stuff. They've earned it by then. If it's the first date, then chances are they're just some randomer. And I'm not desperate enough to find someone to go treating randomers to free night's out when they've done nothing to earn it.

Women are surprisingly receptive to this attitude. Most WANT to pay their way, in fact. Obviously, I wouldn't word it the way I have above beforehand. IF I drop it in (usually I don't), I'll say something like "right, first round is on me" etc.

Treat yourself with respect and women will too. They'd much rather a guy who does that than a guy who is telling them through his actions that he'll pay for their affection. I'm not saying that the OP, or anyone who has posted, is doing this. But it's how people think nonetheless.

LegacyUser

I have exactly the same problem with my new girlfriend. She's a student and never has money, so she tells me.

But she doesn't have a problem finding money when she wants to go out for drinks with her college / work friends.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm been taking for a ride.

LegacyUser

hi there:

wow, I cant believe that you kept paying for everything,
no matter how long, comes the bill (particularly the first few dates) I pay half
I think of it as , well I dont know whats gonna happen, but if we both had a good time, money shouldn't be an issue when going out, If i m not ready to spend on something , then I dont expect the guy to pay for something either

...anyway, hope it helps

LegacyUser

thanks leggo.
I dunno, Maybe from my experience I am trying to spot weather anything will lead to anywhere with a girl from not paying.
Now not every girl is like this, I am not saying that, but I believe now that if a guy is a fool and will pay for everything he is more likely to be used. To go on X amount of dates with a girl and for nothing to develop.

I guess I am trying to wade of the potential users. I dunno, maybe this is a reaction for me being too nice paying for everything and just having bad experiences with exs. I dunno.

So whats the cut off point for guys?
After how many dates would you paying for everything be an issue?

Contessa Raven

In my experience within relationships we pay half and half. If he pays when we go out for a meal, then I'll bring him out for a meal and pay next time.

Similarly, with cinema tickets. If he wants to see a film that he likes but I'm not such a fan of, he'll pay for the tickets. I'll pay for the munchies! I'll pay for tickets when it's my film while he buys the food.

If you are conscious of doing things that cost money (if you feel you'll be expected to foot the bill) then why not do things that don't cost things?
During the summer months there are tonnes of free activities to do in Dublin. For example: World Street Performance Championships. (I'm assuming you are based in Dublin. Apologies if you're not.)

Also, you could do things like a movie night or you invite her over and cook. Or you cook together.

I would be wary if I had to pay for everything all the time too. Relationships are about equality and respect after all.

Ickle Magoo

Yeah, most dates I've been on - unless it was specifically taking me out for my birthday or something - have been 50/50 affairs. Split the bills, take turns to buy rounds, he gets the tickets I get the nibbles, etc, etc...

krudler

Its all about compromise, sometimes I treat the missus, pay for the cinema (which these days is as much as an actual night out) or get the bill for food, but she does the same for me, its not a tit for tat thing, if I paid one week I dont automatically expect her to pay the week after we may split it and vice versa, but she does pay for me on regular occassions as well so its all pretty even.

As a rule I'd pay for a first date, after that it should be split. I agree with girls should be looking to impress the guy as well, not just assume shes getting a free night out because she agreed to go out with him.

I absolutely refuse to but drinks for someone I just met as well, i'll offer if I think shes nice but if she asks thats a sure sign shes just looking for some free drink, fcuk that noise

Greyfox

Fed_Up_Paying wrote: »

Whats the general rule with people on the board?... like when would your cut-off point of paying be?

I don't think it's ever fair for the guy to pay for everything. As leggo has said most women definitely prefer to pay their way and usually if you pay this time they'll pay the next time, when you buy a women a drink on the first date most of them will buy you the next drink!

deadpoet

I second Krudlers sentiments.

Never go out with empty pockets. It is never an immediate obligation of the gentleman to pay for the outing and if you're going out with a lady who expects to be perpetually paid for I would advise you to give serious consideration into deciding whiter she's worth the effort for you to attempt to alter that area of her attitude or otherwise discontinue the relationship because not only are you being treated like a fool - you are one.

Generally we pay half and half, but I will pick up the bill on the first date as a gesture of appreciation for her company...although its got to the unpredictable public display of affection stage now so we tend to spend much of our time in the house...which I must say I very much prefer.

LegacyUser

Aa a girl, I'll always offer to pay. And if I don't I'll pay for something else.
If they have a job, they should at least offer to go halves with you. Personally I don't like letting other people pay for me, I'm not on this earth for someone else to keep me. It's nice as a treat, but it's not a regular thing in our relationship.

LegacyUser

op here thanks guy.

on the subject, what if you were dating someone, in a relationship, and you paid for everything because they dont really have money? i'd be curious to see peoples views on this.

I always thought by paying for everything it was a nice jesture. But I do believe now, even if the girl hasnt really got the money, by paying for everything you are still a fool who will more than likely be used.

Xterminator

well i would have to say, i take into consideration ability to pay.

IE if your dating a student and your in full time work, its fair to assume you might have more cash.

Thats not to say that you should pay for everything, but that if you take someone out for a nice meal, they might sturggle to reciprocate like for like, on a budget.

thats not to say they couldnt make you a meal, or buy you a sandwich etc.

so i think there's being taken for a ride, and then simply being on different budgets.

That said your other GF's sound like freeloaders. that kind of person is probably best avoided.

LegacyUser

OP wait till you have a wife -then you'll see the money disappear
or children - those greddy little buggers never pay their way

I think it should be half -half in the first few dates - when the bill comes on the first date if they dont reach for their purse too then you have trouble (unless you said my treat etc)
everything should be 50-50

mood

I prefer to pay my way (split the bill or take it in turns).

Ickle Magoo

Fed_Up_Paying wrote: »

op here thanks guy.

on the subject, what if you were dating someone, in a relationship, and you paid for everything because they dont really have money? i'd be curious to see peoples views on this.

I was a poor student and my bf was working and had a decent wage. If he wanted to take me out to dinner or some gesture that cost money, he did that but it didn't stop me paying my way, even if just proportionately, 99% of the time - or cooking him a dinner at home or taking him to a concert I won tickets for, or in some way making the relationship a 50-50 partnership.

I don't see a reason for one partner to have to pay for everything, whatever the circumstances.

miec

Women are surprisingly receptive to this attitude. Most WANT to pay their way, in fact. Obviously, I wouldn't word it the way I have above beforehand. IF I drop it in (usually I don't), I'll say something like "right, first round is on me" etc.

This is very true, I also think that it is best you go halves on the first date as that sets up the parameters of the relationship, if one develops. I think if you pay for everything on the first date the girl might assume you don't mind paying for everything. It also weeds out the women who are out for a free night etc. I am ashamed of these types of women but they do exist. Any decent woman will pay her half or if she is of limited means, she will pay a proportionate amount.

mood

miec wrote: »

This is very true, I also think that it is best you go halves on the first date as that sets up the parameters of the relationship, if one develops. I think if you pay for everything on the first date the girl might assume you don't mind paying for everything. It also weeds out the women who are out for a free night etc. I am ashamed of these types of women but they do exist. Any decent woman will pay her half or if she is of limited means, she will pay a proportionate amount.

If I was asked out and liked the guy but had limited funds I would suggest cinema/coffee/drinks rather than a dinner date.

kjl

I'm a guy. I was on a first date the other night with a girl that asked me out, we went to dinner and then bowling, I paid for the dinner, she paid for bowling. It worked well for me.

Sleepy

A girl that expects you to pay for her company is called a prostitute, not a girlfriend.

CathyMoran

My now husband was still a student (toyboys are great:D) when we had our first date, I offered to go 50:50 but he still insisted on paying, we then payed alternitively for dates (we both tried to give the other person more)....you do not know what life will throw at you and he was very surrportive when I found out that I had a serious illness and has been protective of me but I would have from near the begining given him my last cent and him the same...it worked for us.

LegacyUser

deadpoet wrote: »

although its got to the unpredictable public display of affection stage now so we tend to spend much of our time in the house...

PDA Tourettes : )

Men usually ask women out, so I think men should pay the way on a first date. After that, share the cost.

You'll know very quickly though if someone's a user. Apart from being stingy, they have very little regard for other people's feelings and think they're the centre of the universe.

If you're unsure if the girl you're seeing is a user, OP, well then just drop the hint that you're a 'bit short of cash this month so do you mind if we do something that doesn't cost so much?'. Her response to this (along with other clues you'll have picked up along the way) will show you in no uncertain terms what kind of girl she is. If she makes a face, she's a daddy's girl who's used to getting everything her own, expensive way-run and do not look back. If she's happy to go on a cheaper date, that's an alright sign. If she demands to pay for half (after listening to your sob-story : )), she's a keeper.

On no account should you fork out sh*tloads of money just to keep a wannabe princess happy!

LegacyUser

You know what I think you should try - the next time you are out for dinner, just don't call for the bill Just keep sitting and chatting over your empty glasses at the end of the meal as if you have all the time in the world, and wait for her to suggest that it's time to go. Then she'll have to either ask for the bill, or ask you are you not going to ask for it. Then don't make any moves to pay it and just tell her "maybe you could get this one babe?" and see how she reacts!

citizen.v

My experience has been that for the first few dates I offer to pay, but she chips in. I'd find someone expecting me to pay the full whack a real turn-off tbh, as I don't find people who can't/won't stand on their own two feet particularly attractive. It doesn't necessarily have to be 50/50, but some contribution is always nice, even if it's just a coffee or a beer.

Co45

I think its very much an Irish/UK thing about splitting the bills. I've gone out with girls from America, Eastern Europe and Italy who were shocked at the idea.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would feel a loss of dignity asking a women if she'd mind splitting the bill.
That said whenever I pay all the bills I am always reciprociated with shirts or tickets to concerts etc. without asking. So it does have to be a 2 way thing.

OS119

Fed_Up_Paying wrote: »

op here thanks guy.

on the subject, what if you were dating someone, in a relationship, and you paid for everything because they dont really have money? i'd be curious to see peoples views on this.

I always thought by paying for everything it was a nice jesture. But I do believe now, even if the girl hasnt really got the money, by paying for everything you are still a fool who will more than likely be used.

it depends on the circumstances of the relationship, and the individual tastes of the people in it. people who take the piss - constistently saying 'lets go to the cinema, lets go for an indian' while being skint and expecting the other one to fork out for the whole evening - are using the other person. people who, while they may still be reliant on the other for the cash to do things, make an effort to find cheaper alternatives - staying at home and cooking together, making a picnic instead of a pub-lunch, going to a pub with live music rather than asking for U2 tickets etc.. are not using the other, because they are making an effort both to provide enjoyment, and to save the other persons cash.

effort, and consideration, are the backbone of manners. people in ether position - whether they 'use' the other as an ATM, or just flaunt their comparative wealth to the embarrasment/humiliation of the other - have no manners, and should be avoided at all costs.

mood

Co45 wrote: »

I think its very much an Irish/UK thing about splitting the bills. I've gone out with girls from America, Eastern Europe and Italy who were shocked at the idea.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would feel a loss of dignity asking a women if she'd mind splitting the bill.
That said whenever I pay all the bills I am always reciprociated with shirts or tickets to concerts etc. without asking. So it does have to be a 2 way thing.

Thinking about it I have never actually 'split the bill'. It's been taken it in turns to pay for cinema or buy drinks etc.

The Corinthian

OP, women like the one's you seem to continually date do exist. I can't say if they are a majority, minority or rarity, but I can say that not all women are like this. Plenty do not and are happy to pay their way - some even end up bankrolling their bf's.

Given your propensity to attract them, I suggest the first thing to do is ask yourself why you keep on finding yourself on dates with them? Are you giving the impression that you're a sugar-daddy?

It's logical for the richer person to pay more. When one person is broke, either the other partner pays more than their share, or they never go out on dates. My sister never pays for anything because she can't. It's not like she asks to be taken to fancy places, but if her bf wants to do that stuff, he knows he'll have to pay. Fair enough, IMO. At the moment my boyfriend is flat broke, so I pay for most of our lunches out or coffees or pints. He'll do the same for me when he has more money. I don't see why people are so obsessed with doing everything 50:50 all the time. Or suggesting that girls are hookers for not paying half. I've paid for friends to come to concerts because I wanted their company and they couldn't pay for a ticket, were they prostituting themselves to me? :rolleyes:

leggo

I'd never ASK to split the bill on the first date. It's assumed automatically. When you go out with a friend of the same sex, even if they ask, do you assume they're paying? Same deal.

If anything, common courtesy would dictate that it should only have to be clarified beforehand IF one party is paying for the other.

Ask for the bill, when it arrives give it a quick look and say "Right that's x-amount for me and y-amount for you", I'll generally cover the tip to show her that me not paying her bill is a boundary gesture and not one out of cheapness...job done!

It's never been an issue before and I've genuinely never had one date with a girl where this could be attributed as to why it didn't work out.

If they DID bring it up, my reaction would be "I'm sorry, but I don't remember us agreeing that I'd pay your way?" If she's seriously pissy, the "Sorry to hear your last ATM died" line is getting used, which would be a death knell, but if she's looking for an ATM then it's already over and she's messed up.

The Corinthian

[quote=[Deleted User];64941567]It's logical for the richer person to pay more.[/QUOTE]
Why? Socialism?

When one person is broke, either the other partner pays more than their share, or they never go out on dates. My sister never pays for anything because she can't. It's not like she asks to be taken to fancy places, but if her bf wants to do that stuff, he knows he'll have to pay. Fair enough, IMO.

If it is temporary and in a relationship, sure. Problem though is that it often breeds a certain level of complacent and expectation. Why bother to earn more, when someone else is going to pay the bills anyway?

At the moment my boyfriend is flat broke, so I pay for most of our lunches out or coffees or pints. He'll do the same for me when he has more money.

Yes, he'll pay you back when he can. What if he remained broke for ever? How would you feel about paying for him without any chance of the reverse?