Friend is blanking me

tigerpink

I work in a large financial services company and two and a half years ago a new girl joined our department as a trainee, I was her semi-senior took her under my wing and we became best friends within a few months, shes 22 and im 28 (both female). I introduced her to some of my workmates and as a group we got along great, however with redundancies and down scaling our department halved in size last year leaving just me and her from our group of friends. I,ve noticed in the last 3 months or so she hasnt been as friendly as she used to towards me, we had always done drinks after work on fridays, gone out at weekends, visited each others houses for meals etc, talked on the phone etc all the things good friends do, i've also been there for her throught bad patches been a shoulder to cry on and have been a rock to her as regards advancing in work and study as I have done the same exams shes doing I was there to help her with that.
The thing is now two new trainees who moved to our department after the shake up have become friends with her, If I ask her if shes up to doing anything friday after work she will tell me shes going somewhere with one of them and wont even ask me to go. She excludes me from all the socials she arranges between them and declines my invitation to drop over to me at home and if I try to make any arrangement to do something she simply wont return my texts and will come up with an excuse last minute. I feel really hurt over this as we were best mates and have done nothing to warrant this treatment. I have already said it to her that I noticed she was being cold with me but she just said she was busy at the time and that im acting ridiculous or on another occassion I asked her why I wasnt included in something she just said she wasnt listening to this and walked away.
I have made every effort possible over the last few weeks to stay friends, I have initiated every suggestion to do things, should I now just leave it? Can anyone suggest why this has happened or has anyone a similar experience?

Kevster

Hi,

We can only guess what might have happened, but what have the two new people said about this?; or have you even talked to them? It could be that she is now focussing on the fact that you are her senior, and this has made her uncomfortable. Before - when the others were around - it mightn't have been as uncomfortable because there were 'equals' in the group that she could talk to you through. I have noticed that this is very common in social groups - i.e. If one person does not feel comfortable with another, they can talk to them 'through' another person. I could expand on this and write paragraph after paragraph, but I won't.

Ultimately, just stay strictly professional with this and try not to bring personal feelings into it. Part of life is friendships being created and destroyed. I suggest - as I've said - maintaining everything professionally. That's the best thing to do for now, I feel. Over time, the situation may change.

Take care,
Kevin

vicecreamsundae

it really could be anything. quite possible it's because you're her senior etc as kevster pointed out above.
of course it could be something entirely unrelated...maybe you said or did something that offended her without you realising. maybe she just felt she was spending too much time with you and decided she didn't want to anymore, who knows.

but as far as you know you have done nothing wrong, so honestly i wouldn't read into it. and you said you tried asking her about it but she dismissed you, so i would just forget about it. you can't force someone to open up or be nice to you. i think your worklife will be a whole lot simpler if you just don't dwell on it, leave her to her new friends, and maybe take up something new after work to meet some new friends of your own. don't take it personally, sometimes people are just ****ty friends.

tenchi-fan

Hi

Have a read of this:
http://www.wetfeet.com/Experienced-Hire/On-the-job/Articles/Work-Friends-vs--Real-Friends.aspx

My experience: I worked in a place for 9 months. It was a dead-end job but it provided a great social life and my work friends became my only friends.

However after leaving and getting a new job I noticed that the guys I thought were my friends weren't answering their phone when I called to arrange lunch or drinks, and I noticed a bit of sneering behind my back (i used to be part of the group sneering about other people). Apart from that I didn't have much in common with them any more as all they had were silly stories about work. Although we liked some of the same music, their whole life still revolved around their little community at work. I was really, really hurt at the beginning and I took it personally (is there any other way to take it?) For a few months I felt completely shunned.

Years later, some of them are still working there and their new co-workers became their new best friends. And when I meet them out we're very friendly but I don't have a thing to talk to them about. Inevitably one of them will say something like "did xxx work there when you were there?" in an attempt to make conversation.

Edit: Of the group there was only one person I considered a real friend, I literally hung out with him every day of the week, we sat together at work, went to pubs, visited each other's houses, got our breaks switched so we could go for lunch together - at the end of the day he was the first to ignore my calls at lunchtime when I stopped working with him.

So lesson learned, there's a big difference between the people you work with and became friendly with, and actual friends. I kept a more professional distance in my latter jobs.

You're saying she used to be your best friend but that thought should embarrass you a little - because you were more like a mentor or trainer and maybe she just doesn't need that any more. She obviously fell in with a new click and you're not part of it.

I think you need to form a few closer friendships outside of work - maybe arrange to meet non work friends for lunch or for drinks after work.

I personally learned the hard way that work friends aren't real friends.

Cheap Thrills!

tigerpink wrote: »

I was her semi-senior took her under my wing and we became best friends within a few months

tigerpink wrote: »

I introduced her to some of my workmates

tigerpink wrote: »

i've also been there for her throught bad patches been a shoulder to cry on and have been a rock to her as regards advancing in work and study as I have done the same exams shes doing I was there to help her with that.

It sounds to me like she was a 'fairweather friend'
I think she used you. She acted like your best friend while she was settling into the company. She used you. She infiltrated your network. She piggybacked off your brains to advance her work and study.

tigerpink wrote: »

I,ve noticed in the last 3 months or so she hasnt been as friendly as she used to towards me

Then when you were no longer useful to her and other people came along she ditched you and moved on. Sounds like a complete b1tch.

tigerpink wrote: »

If I ask her if shes up to doing anything friday after work she will tell me shes going somewhere with one of them and wont even ask me to go.

tigerpink wrote: »

She excludes me from all the socials she arranges between them and declines my invitation to drop over to me at home

tigerpink wrote: »

if I try to make any arrangement to do something she simply wont return my texts and will come up with an excuse last minute.

tigerpink wrote: »

I have already said it to her that I noticed she was being cold with me but she just said she was busy at the time and that im acting ridiculous or on another occassion I asked her why I wasnt included in something she just said she wasnt listening to this and walked away.

tigerpink wrote: »

I have made every effort possible over the last few weeks to stay friends, I have initiated every suggestion to do things, should I now just leave it?

You have made WAY TOO MUCH effort. You should leave it, you really should have left it weeks ago. If someone keeps rejecting you, take the hint, as hurtful and unfair as it might be. Don't humiliate yourself any further by persisting trying to be her friend. The die is cast. The friendship is over.

Its hard to believe people will behave like this. But its her thats the nasty one, not you. Its hurtful and humiliating to be used and thrown aside like yesterdays newspaper. Be a little slower in future to give everything you have to someone. Users abound in this life, especially in work situations. People will literally chew you up and spit you out without compunction.

Sorry this happened to you. You seem like a lovely person.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can relate to your story. I worked with this girl who I trained, mentored etc. I constantly sang her praises to our boss. We went for lunch everyday etc. She got moved to a new department about 6 months in and then she started to blank and bad mouth me. Once when I went to her desk to go for lunch she ignored me for 20 minutes. I was so hurt and confused and didn't want to believe it was happening. . I hand on heart never did anything to warrant that. My only crime was being too nice. I have to admit I kept trying to salvage the relationship due to me own insecurties and kept feeling I must have done something wrong. I just let the friendship go but was very hurt for a long time afterwards. I now realise it was not me it was her. I later found out that she caused lot of problems at her previous company. Other people's behaviour is their problem, don't make it about you and take it personally. As another poster said work friends are rarely your real friends and this girl literally turned on me overnight. Work often brings out others insecurities. demons etc. Accept that you are hurt and move on. Stop apologising and looking for answers. the answer is she is not the person you thought she was and bets are she will do the same to the new friends in time. Be glad you got away.

tigerpink

Thanks this all seems like good advice , I was thinking of a tactic to maybe ignore her completely, make no effort and just be cool, she may then wonder what is wrong and will start making more of an effort, maybe I have been too available and always ready to talk when she felt like calling to the extent she just takes me for granted, I dont know does anyone think this would be a good way to go about it?

Cheap Thrills!

No, I wouldn't OP.

You'll just look psycho.

There's no point pushing it, she doesn't want to be friends for whatever reason. Leave it and keep your dignity.

If she is a user other people will eventually notice themselves. Get on with your own life and let it go is my advice!

tenchi-fan

tigerpink wrote: »

Thanks this all seems like good advice , I was thinking of a tactic to maybe ignore her completely, make no effort and just be cool, she may then wonder what is wrong and will start making more of an effort, maybe I have been too available and always ready to talk when she felt like calling to the extent she just takes me for granted, I dont know does anyone think this would be a good way to go about it?

I have to agree with Cheap Trills. This is the opposite of what the people in the thread are advising you to do... You need to forget about what she's thinking (not trying to make her wonder what's wrong) and get on with your work and your life.

You don't need her friendship, you don't need her approval and you don't need to understand her.

Learn small talk. Say "good morning. cold outside, isn't it?" "did you enjoy your weekend? oh cool... here i was wondering did you have a chance to look at (something work related)..."

wasper

It takes two to tango. I would do the same & ignore her & she might come back looking for attention.