Nothing in my life...

LegacyUser

I just need to let this out so bear with me!

I'm turning 27 in a few weeks and am just feeling so down about my life. I have absolutely nothing to show for it and get depressed when I hear of people who seem to have it all. I'm currently unemployed (though I have been getting a few days temp work here and there), I am single and I still live at home. I know many people fall into one of those categories but I'm just so bummed that I fall into all of them. I feel like such a failure.

I have found a career that I love and I was working in it until late last year but with the recession it died off. I'm now just doing a little bit of temping and on the dole to get by. And when I say temping, it averages at a couple of days every couple of weeks so its not a whole lot. I'm planning on going back to do a course in September (which will qualify me for the career that I love) but I haven't got a place yet. I don't know what I will do if I don't get it.

I'm also still single and seem to be bad at relationships. The longest I've dated someone is a few months and it wasn't serious so I'm beginning to think I'm just not a relationship person. With the fact that I'm unemployed though, I'd really like someone to hang out with (and have sex with!) even if it isn't all that serious but it does worry me that people around me are all coupled off and I'm not.

I'm also still living at home with my mum. She is cool and very good to me but it is beginning to bug me that I just can't move out. I'd always planned on buying (and I'm lucky that I have a nest egg from money I have inherited) but its not enough for a mortgage and of course I wouldn't be able to make repayments anyway! I've looked into renting but again I just can't afford it on the dole.

My only hope at the moment is getting this course, which is abroad - I'll be able to do something I love and also move out (Doing this course means I'll be eligible for a large grant which means I'll be able to pay rent). Currently the only really good thing in my life is my friends but unfortunately with the recession they have pretty much all emigrated or are off travelling. I literally only have a couple of people to hang out with at the moment.

I know many people who are unemployed, are single or live at home but the problem is I'm all three!! I'm trying my best to find a focus. I'm going on a volunteer trip this summer so I am fundraising for it and I'm also planning on doing a short course to keep me occupied but on a day to day basis my life is so boring!

I just hate bumping into people I know or meeting new people and having to tell them what I'm doing at the moment ..which is nothing! I will also be having my 10 year school reunion soon and I'm pretty much sure I won't be going - everyone will have great careers and be engaged or married with houses - I couldn't deal with it.

Anyway, apologies for the long post. Don't really know what exactly I'm looking for - maybe advice or other people in this situation. Need to get it off my chest!

Kevster

Don't be so hard on yourself dude. I'm sure that there is much more to you than you are making out - much more positives I mean. I just turned 27 by the way. Anyway, a good principle to adhere to is to get outside of the house at least once everyday. This would keep you on your toes, I believe, and maintain your spirit. regarding the course, is it only at one place that it is run?; or are there other places? It might be your dream course, but you should not put all of your eggs in the one basket. You should have backup plans, because things don't always work out as we want.

Kevin

santana75

The big mistake youre making is comparing yourself to others. Its an easy thing to do of course but its like shooting yourself in the foot. So first thing you gotta do is to knock the comparisons on the head. Its not serving you well in anyway, its making you feel bad about yourself. And when you feel bad about yourself you feel worse about yourself, its a spiral down. Youre looking at people around you and they "seem" to have it all. "Seem" being the key word. People will always show you their best side but the reality is you dont know what goes on behind closed doors, you dont know what these people are really like. They may seem to have it all and be totally together but its been my direct experience that appearances are nearly always deceptive. So how can you possible compare yourself to people when you dont know what exactly youre comparing yorself to? You dont have a complete picture, you have climpses thats all, and you cant compare your entire life to climpses of the lives of others.
So why do you choose to compare yourself to others when it makes you feel bad? The answer is, its actually a defence mechansim on your part. Your subconcious mind will try to protect you from loss and emotional pain at all costs(and that goes double for people who have experienced great losses in their past). So when youre confronted with people who "seem" to have these great lives and great careers when you yourself dont have a job, you experience a loss, emotional pain. But in order to protect you from feeling the loss, that little voice in your head will start to critisize you and berate you. It will tell you that your useless, inadequate, a loser in comparison to those other people. So what happens when all of this is going on is that youre distracted from the pain of your loss(having no job amongst other things). The subconcious mind has protected you from the emotional pain. The problem is that its protecting you from one pain but exposing you to another: Feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
The other reason why people compare themselves to others is that on the odd occasion, they'll come out on top in a comparison. So say for example youre hairline is going south in a hurry. You look around you and see guys with big full heads of hair and youre inner critic will attack you, calling you baldy or whatever. But one day you come across a guy whos hairline has receeded to an even greater extent than yours and you feel great. Compared to that dude your hair line dont look so bad at all. In this case the comparison makes you feel like a million bucks. It doesnt last though because 5 minutes later you'll come across a guy with a hairline that practically starts at his eyesbrows! And then youre back feeling like crap. So you compare yourself with others because very rarely you'll come out on top and your body and mind remembers that great feeling and will constantly crave to experience it again. But even if you do come out on top of a comparison its only fleeting, theres always somebody who appears to have more than you do. Comparisons are a fools game but on some level theres a pay-off that comes once in a blue moon.

Like I said, you need to stop the comparisons and to do that you need to become more aware of youre thinking. When you come across people who seem to have it all(the job, the girlfriend/boyfriend, the place of their own, whatever)thats when you feel bad. So thats when youre thinking will be distorted and self-recriminating. The first step is to notice these thoughts. For every thought you have theres a corresponding feeling. If you think bad thoughts about yourself you'll feel bad. Control the thoughts and you control the feelings. Negative feelings result from distortions in thinking, its your task to identify and eraticate those distortions.

This book will show you how to accomplish all of that:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268480065&sr=1-1

Youre doing your best, remember that. Dont get hooked into the habit of judging your life and your worth against that of other people, it doesnt work. It doesnt matter what anybody else has or doesnt have, what matters to you is the way you conduct your own affairs. Dont mind what anybody else doing, keep your head down and focus on your life. Sure you dont have a job and that is a difficult thing to deal with, fair enough. But you can deal with it, in your own way. And you are. You have plans and you're trying. Thats what counts. You took a knock and lost your job and now your trying to get things going again. Give yourself some credit and forget what anybody else is doing.
But most importantly of all: Feel your feelings. If you feel a loss as a result of not having a job then so be it, feel that loss. Dont allow that inner-voice to berate you and to try distract you from those feelings. Thats not just for the loss of a job, that goes for everything: the lack of a relationship, the lack of a place of your own, whatever. Just accept your loss and the feelings that go along with that. When you accept a loss then the inner voice gives up, stops trying to distract you with abuse.

Agent J

Get moving and keep moving.

Being unemployed can be pretty soul destroying over the long term which is why you need some sort of long term project to keep you going.

Personally i'd recommend taking up some sort of exercise routine, be it running, walking, cycling etc etc. Use the wealth of resources available on this site and the net in general to help you plan goals and how to reach them. The added bonus is that it will help fight back the depression as well.

If thats not your thing then how about learning a new language or musical instrument? Do something that helps you to improve yourself.

Perhaps look up some sort of volunteering opertunity as well? Some thats gets you out of the house.

Try to focus on what you have got and how best you can use it rather then what you dont have.

hinault

I can fully sympathise with the OP : unemployment is not easy and living at home and feeling that life is not progressing can get us all down.

Like the others have said here : you need to evaluate.

You can take these as a given :

1.You will not be unemployed for the rest of your life.
2.Your circumstances will change.
3.Use this time NOW to enesure the best possible outcome for points 1 and 2.

The situation you are in today will change at some point in the future (hopefully sooner rather than later).
It is perfectly understandable that you have a negative view at present.
But you need to try to visualise that these circumstances will not pertain indefinitely.
In order to maximise your situation going forward, you have the time now to do something which will benefit you in the future.
That's what you need to try to visualise today.

Think about your life when you were employed : you did not have time/space to learn new things.

At this point in your life, you have the time to invest to add skills which will improve your confidence and which will make you even more employable when you get your next job.
That's what you have to visualise today.

So try to evaluate where you see yourself at a point in the future : and invest now in the skills which you need to egt you to that point in the future.


As regards looking at other people.
We all do that.
We all measure ourselves about what other people have, or who they're with or how well their career is progressing.
But do we really know how well others are progressing?
I know from my direct experience that appearances in many cases are deceptive.
And let me tell you, I would much rather have the worries that I have, instead of taking on the appearances of so called "successful" people and all their associated worries and pressures.

I would also endorse what others have already said here.
It is important to get out and try to mix with people.
Joining a gym is an excellent way to get out and to meet people and to talk.
Join some classes and try to add the additional skills you need for whwn you're back in the workforce.
Another good idea is to try to interact more with your wider family, especially those of your own age, if you have any (cousins and extended family).
Talking and communicating with them, might open up ideas with regard to employment opportunities.
It is important to try to talk and to try to interact as much as possible if you can.



Remember the circumstances you face today, will not last long.
try to use today to benefit you for tomorrow.
Good luck

rebel10

Agree with everyone here. Your circumstances will change. I have kinda similar tthings going on, living with my mum on my own, hard because you are dying to move out but feel you owe it to her to stay, plus you are worried that if you do go will you just spend the whole time being miserable thinking about whether she is ok or not.
From your description of yourself, it sounds like you are the kinda guy every girl would love, don't know many guys that would motivate themselves enough to do volunteer work for a few months, plus the generosity. Everything will work out, you aren't at a dead end you have plans, just they are taking a while to come about, when you get started you will open a whole new life for yourself.
Best of luck with everything!;)

LegacyUser

rebel10 wrote: »

From your description of yourself, it sounds like you are the kinda guy every girl would love, don't know many guys that would motivate themselves enough to do volunteer work for a few months, plus the generosity.

OP here again. Lol I'm actually a girl!!

Thanks everyone for all the advice anyway. I have to keep telling myself it won't always be like this. I'm hoping I get onto this course in September but I am trying to get a back up plan in case things don't work out.

I think my main problem is that I keep comparing myself to everyone else. I really need to stop. I guess I am lucky in other areas of my life, I have great friends and family and I've done lots of travelling, I have to count my blessings! It's just hard not to get bummed sometimes cos I'm just not where I thought I'd be at this age.

rebel10

unregistered wrote: »

OP here again. Lol I'm actually a girl!!

Jesus sorry, should have realised you were a girl!
I think everyone compares themselves to other people. When i was in my early twenties, I thought by the time i got to 30, I would be married, own a home and definately have a family started. Sometimes it scares me to think that I am so so far away from ever reaching this point aged 28, but I am also not going to rush it. As much as i can see that my friends are happy in their relationships, I know that sometimes they have doubts or feel a bit stuck but are too afraid to move on. If it helps, I am comparing my life to yours and there is alot that I would love to be doing that you are about to do. Hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful bout your situation today