How to stop thinking it's me..

LegacyUser

I've been sleeping with someone for a few months now and we'd been getting on great. We still get on fantastic so I decided last night that I would bring up the relationship question of where we were going with things as I felt there was a mutual liking going on.

Turns out I was wrong. I got told that he liked me as a person, he thought I had a great personality and wanted us to remain close friends as we always have been. In an ideal world he would continue to sleep with me as physically he finds me very attractive and he loves the sex. He made sure I knew that it was not as a result of how I look that he didn't want anything more so now I have this horrible feeling in my gut that it's my personality and I've gotten this great whack to it. I'm not a dreadful person, I make friends relatively easily, i'm very friendly and I tend to get on great with guys.

Then again it might not be either, but if you like someones personality so much so that you want to spend time with them nearly every day and find them attractive enough to sleep with them at length, doesn't that usually qualify for wanting more than just a friendship? I have to admit I'm highly confused by you fellas at times!

Xterminator

This lad would like to have his cake and eat it. he doesn't want the trouble of maintaining a relationship, but finds you fun and attractive.

I honestly think, if anyone has a problem its him, not you. i think you should just move on. i wouldnt think this is the kind of friend anyone needs.

PS I am a fella, just in case you wondered.

LegacyUser

OP here. The thing is, he wants a girlfriend which is why I thought things were going somewhere with us, but now it turns out he doesn't want that girlfriend to be me.

I don't know how to stop thinking that it's as a result of how I act. I've never had problems with people before but I'm wondering do I have a really ****e personality now altogether.

As far as the friendship part goes he's a good close friend, I couldn't mark him wrong in that regard, but how can he just want friendship if he wants the sex part in an ideal world as well? I'm just so lost on this..

ManOfMystery

You're simplifying things to a certain extent. Just because people have great sex and are great friends does not mean there is no reason why they shouldn't become boyfriend and girlfriend.

First off, being great friends does not equate to being in love.

Having great sex also does not mean being in love.

Some people have both these things but are still not in love or are not soulmates.

Then there is also the matter of what each person actually wants at this stage in their life - if they are not ready to settle down or do not want to be in a relationship, then the best sex and friendship in the world won't change that.

Your partner is being honest with you, and it sounds to me like he's being fair. You both have a great time together and he's not leading you on, but he's basically saying that while he enjoys everything about you, you're not 'the one' for him. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or wrong with him - it's simply a case of how 2 different people gel together.

Whether you can put up with this and continue with your arrangement until either or both of you meet the right person is totally up to yourself really.

LegacyUser

You're not stupid at all.

Have you never been with someone you fancy, with whom you know a relationship couldnt work? Its not really that you hold something against them, just that it doesnt fit for you.

Well thats probably whats going on for him. And you should try not to analyse it too much or blame yourself. He enjoys the sex and your company but doesnt want a relationship. Its common enough with chaps. They're wired slightly differently.

Since you're emotionally involved and want more than he, you're going to have to walk away. Definitely the best thing for you to avoid being more hurt in the long run. Best chance of him changing his mind too. Its not easy though. I know that.

He should have been more straight with you from the start too.

dblennon

Sostupid wrote: »

I've been sleeping with someone for a few months now and we'd been getting on great. We still get on fantastic so I decided last night that I would bring up the relationship question of where we were going with things as I felt there was a mutual liking going on.

Turns out I was wrong. I got told that he liked me as a person, he thought I had a great personality and wanted us to remain close friends as we always have been. In an ideal world he would continue to sleep with me as physically he finds me very attractive and he loves the sex. He made sure I knew that it was not as a result of how I look that he didn't want anything more so now I have this horrible feeling in my gut that it's my personality and I've gotten this great whack to it. I'm not a dreadful person, I make friends relatively easily, i'm very friendly and I tend to get on great with guys.

Then again it might not be either, but if you like someones personality so much so that you want to spend time with them nearly every day and find them attractive enough to sleep with them at length, doesn't that usually qualify for wanting more than just a friendship? I have to admit I'm highly confused by you fellas at times!

I can Honestly say that you need not worry about what one person thinks of your personality, of course its always hard when you click with a person but they don't with you.

Me personally I have been sleeping with a girl for a while, she is social, fun, and has alot of close friends + she is smoking hot....
But I would go insane if I had to have a relationship with her we just clash - well she doesn't know this but I do know that I couldn't go out with her.

It is completely not your fault or your responsibility to make someone like you.

LegacyUser

dblennon wrote: »

I can Honestly say that you need not worry about what one person thinks of your personality, of course its always hard when you click with a person but they don't with you.

Me personally I have been sleeping with a girl for a while, she is social, fun, and has alot of close friends + she is smoking hot....
But I would go insane if I had to have a relationship with her we just clash - well she doesn't know this but I do know that I couldn't go out with her.

It is completely not your fault or your responsibility to make someone like you.

That's my issue. We don't clash at all. We have everything in common, we have spent every day for the past 6 months or so together and have basically been like a couple without a label.

I don't intend to keep the sex up obviously because I feel more for him but when he comes round to my house and initiates it, it can very difficult to get him to stop.

Do you think there is even a possibility that we can keep the friendship as is without the sex? He seems convinced that we can, but I can see difficulties in having such a close friendship especially once other partners get involved.

LegacyUser

I sent two replies which have not gone through over an hour at this stage so I'll repost a basic mix of the two.

Basically, the guy wants a girlfriend which is why I thought things may have been going somewhere as he never said they weren't.

We don't clash at all, quite the opposite in fact. We have pretty much everything in common, we love spending time together, when we do things, it's always me and him and we're rarely seen apart. I know I can't continue to have sex with him though it's hard when he comes over to my place to hang out and watch movies or something and he initiates something. I just have to stay stronger in that regard.

He continues to say nothing will change in regards to the friendship part, that he still is happy to spend every day in college with me and see me at the weekends to hang out etc.

I just don't understand it. And I have a strong feeling once other partners come along that would change, because lets face it, what sort of girl (or guy for me) would be happy with their partner seeing a friend of the opposite sex so often.

cafecolour

He's not ready to commit to a serious relationship. That seems about the extent of it. A lot of guys just don't feel like they are ready to 'settle down' as they see it.

Taltos

Thing you gotta ask yourself now is - "Now X has told me he is not into a relationship - do I want to just be his FB? Or do I want more."

If you want more - then you are past the FB line and might be better off trying to find a relationship elsewhere. It does not seem like he has given any mixed signals so there is a high prob that he will be happy to continue like this until he meets someone he feels strongly about. - So do you want the pain now while you have some control or do you want it later when he tells you he has met someone he is willing to commit to?

She Devil

I agree with the previous poster, he has outlined that he loves the sex, so its basically just a FB relationship!! Don't continue it if you arent ready to get let down badly, this guy won't change his feelings!!
He is being fair telling you how he sees it, maybe you should call a halt to it! If he likes you like he says he does he will contact you for more, if he doesn't then he will move on tohis next FB until he is ready for a relationship.

JonathanAnon

Sostupid wrote: »

Then again it might not be either, but if you like someones personality so much so that you want to spend time with them nearly every day and find them attractive enough to sleep with them at length, doesn't that usually qualify for wanting more than just a friendship? I have to admit I'm highly confused by you fellas at times!

I wouldnt take it so personally. Like was said above, the guy wants his freedom.

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP.

This was a 'don't ask, don't tell' type situation.

You hoped it was going to develop into a relationship, he didn't but likes the sex and is good buddies with you. In other words he sees this as a fcukbuddy relationship, and you are 100% right, when Ms Right crooks her little finger he would be gone like a hot snot.

If you hadn't asked he probably would have let it run on without saying anything either. So fair play for asking.

Don't tear yourself up wondering what is wrong with you. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. He just either has the hots for someone else and is holding out for them or he just doesn't view you as partner material for whatever reason. The reason is irrelevant OP. Don't obsess about it and don't feel your whole personality is crap because of this.

It could be as simple as you are too sound and he is a sucker for b1tches, some sh1t like that that'd make you throw your eyes up to heaven if you knew the reason. He could have a fetish for something that you don't have, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

A friend of mine is petite, blonde, big knockers and tanned, her husband wouldn't ride her into battle yet other men would love to. Reason? Nothing wrong with her, the husband just married her before he realised he was into indie chicks.

You've got a truth here, a bit of a shock as well. But aren't you glad you asked? You can rarely 'graduate' a fcuk buddy relationship, its a FB relationship for a reason.

Although I find it difficult to do myself, its better if the talking takes place BEFORE the sex, that way no de facto relationship is established before the emotions and expectations are sorted out.

Sorry this happened to you OP. Some people like your FB will see it as 'no harm, no foul' if he promised you nothing. You have to pay attention to what is NOT said as much as what IS said in these matters. Ommissions are often the most critical things of all.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies they have been very helpful indeed.

I suppose the hard part for me to deal with was the fact that he told me he really really wanted a girlfriend and when we eventually did sleep together he said he wanted to keep me to himself instead of sharing me with others. I suppose I shouldn't have read into these things without asking for sure what he wanted from me.

I still feel such a fool though.. I really wish I had known sooner before I had developed anything stronger for him. It'll be hard with the amount of time we spend together for me to find someone new as well.. all these stupid problems, I suppose I should be grateful that college will be over soon for the summer!

Cheap Thrills!

sunflower27 wrote: »

Soooo true.

'I never SAID we were exclusive' :rolleyes::)

Yep, some people are very technical with language. Unless it is all explicitly stated best never to assume anything.

Denerick

I hate this attitude. Friends who have sex are a terrible invention, they only create hurt feelings and confusion. Both of you are to blame, if I'm been perfectly honest.

LegacyUser

Op again here,

I never said I wasn't to blame, I agree, it took the two of us, we should have spoken a lot sooner than this. I think i'm just looking for advice on how to deal with it really.

We weren't friends before we got together, it was more a friendship that became so strong as a result of being together.
Anyway, I really appreciate all the help you've offered me guys. Thanks

lcrcboy

Denerick wrote: »

I hate this attitude. Friends who have sex are a terrible invention, they only create hurt feelings and confusion. Both of you are to blame, if I'm been perfectly honest.

I think thats a little harsh, really sound like he lead her on for his own gain. best to end it now and find some one else who wants the same thing as you